Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/08/2019 13:29

I have no agenda. Just putting another perspective that isn't hysteria. As I said. I don't really care and nor do any of you, not really. The two people in the marriage need to talk to each other. There's been enough lies, evasions, suspicions and drama. And there are kids in the middle of all of it. It's not healthy. But hey. Crack on and convince the OP he's also Jack the Ripper. No concern of mine.

catspyjamas27 · 20/08/2019 13:30

@Rethymnon I actually think @Leighhalfpennysthigh makes some excellent points about stepping away from MN and working this through (or not) with her partner rather than taking the advice of strangers online. Why are you so invested in what she does next? Pressuring someone like this when they are vulnerable and confused is not a great idea. The op needs to come to her own conclusion and Leigh quite rightly points out that a shocking amount of people on here seem to be treating this like a soap opera.

Pinkmonkeybird · 20/08/2019 13:32

Maybe your marriage is over, but maybe it is over because your husband also can't live like that. @Leighhalfpennysthigh ODFOD!! Have you actually read this thread properly??

Blaming the OP for the downfall of her marriage when it was her husband orchestrating the hope of infidelity all along...

How to kick a woman when she's down. Jog on!

Rethymnon · 20/08/2019 13:40

And by the way OP, when you do cut this tosser loose, this woman won’t be seen dead with him. It’s one thing playing power games at work and thriving on the drama. She is unhinged for sure. But it’s another thing entirely to leave your DH for a 51 YEAR- OLD with kids. She must be VERY unhappy in her own life and marriage, that’s all I can say. Think how embarrassing it would be if you’re in your 20s, to introduce her friends to a man of 51! The shame. She would be a laughing stock if she’s not already. She won’t do it.

Maybe she wants out if her marriage and he’s her “temporary get out vehicle.” Even without the age gap, very few relationships that start in such circumstances will have any legs once the drama and the dust settle. At some point, they have to face reality and all the people they have hurt lost. Including the children.

But this isn’t your problem. It’s his.

Also, you can bet your boots that if they are open about this at work, the other staff are most definitely laughing AT them, not with them. They will be perceived as pathetic and people will see them for exactly what they are.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/08/2019 13:40

It sounds very much as though this marriage is over, but make your plans carefully and consult a lawyer (rather than following some of the more demented advice you will get online.)
FWIW you cannot force him to move out of the house immediately unless there has been violence (infidelity is hurtful but it isn't counted as abuse of the sort where you can get occupation orders to keep the partner out of the family home). But he can't force you out immediately, either: this is where you need the legal advice to help you sort out who stays, who goes and what happens to the shared assets.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2019 13:40

Lilmishap - oh I agree that the brazen thing re. disrespect for his wife has definitely gone its distance - but bringing the woman to the house while his wife is away for the weekend involves his children, and that's a whole new level.

WhenWillItBeCold · 20/08/2019 13:43

Wow ! So sorry op. I think I would have thrown them both out for good.

Rethymnon · 20/08/2019 13:45

catspyjamas - yes I agree the OP should seek real life support. Also counselling ASAP. And maybe get off MN if it’s too much. Definitely. But I can’t imagine anyone in real life advocating she should have to “get over” this. Bloody hell. How low do men have to sink these days before people stop making excuses?

MulticolourMophead · 20/08/2019 13:48

OP, whether you intend to stay (and I noted the "for now" bit), or not, it's still worth getting your DH to pay for you to have legal advice (but don't let him choose who with).

Lay everything out with a solicitor and at least you can then make informed decisions.

Motoko · 20/08/2019 13:54

you have posted on here many times about your jealousy and insecurity and how that has made you question him.

OP is only jealous and insecure because her husband was gaslighting her, as you are, by reinforcing that story. It is NOT her fault, but his.

There is nothing to save, she will always wonder if he's still fantasising about this woman, when they're having sex. She will always act insecurely, because she won't be able to trust his feelings for her. Without trust, there is no relationship to keep.

OP doesn't need proof of an affair to divorce him, she can site unreasonable behaviour, because he has been massively unreasonable.

Don't gaslight her into thinking the marriage can be saved, if only she talks to her husband, and works on her jealousy and insecurity. That way will just lead to more heartache.

billy1966 · 20/08/2019 14:01

So sorry OP, hard to read, desperately difficult for you.

Anger is good, hopefully it will help you focus on what's best of your children and yourself.

If it's a longer game, so be it. But get support IRL.

Wishing you the strength you will need.

RockinHippy · 20/08/2019 14:11

If it was innocent, WTAF did she need to get out of the car & enter your family home so that he could pick up something he'd supposedly forgotten 😐

Regardless, he knew how you would feel, but invited her in anyway. I'd have his bags packed & locks changed for that alone. He's a disrespectful POS at best, at worst, well I'm sure I don't need to spell that out

VivienScott · 20/08/2019 14:32

Similar happened to a friend of mine. She bought a sound activated listening device that looked like a plug I think, left it under the bed and essentially caught them at it. It’s OTT but it gave her the truth and evidence to confront him and kick him out. She admits it was OTT on one hand but either way, your mind will be put to rest. As a word of warning though, from my own personal experience of catching my ex at it (he’d stored pictures of him and his female friend at it on our home pc) that shit can never be unseen or unheard and is pretty traumatic. Depends how strong your desire for the truth is. Sorry OP

beccarocksbaby · 20/08/2019 14:39

Honestly I don't think he's shagging her. Possibly that has a yet attached to it.

If they came back for a cuppa that doesn't mean they were there to talk about the meeting. They could do that in the car and a drive through costa after all.

They could have been there to talk about his marriage. Or their "friendship" or what happens next.

Or it could have been entirely what he said it was on this occasion.

The overall bit that sticks with me, and will always be a rule in my relationship nowadays, is that if a friendship is damaging a marriage and it can't be resolved/ is causing significant trust issues, then it's done. Nothing is as important as our family.

My husband had an emotional affair with a work colleague and it devastated me but also it made me feel crazy for a long time. I was "paranoid" and "jealous" and bringing "baggage from a prior relationship" even "punishing him" because of my exes behaviour. They lie to protect their ego and their ego booster. They can't give it up and they get addicted to it.

Don't be lied to.

Lay it out straight that your marriage is important to you you want it to survive, but that can't happen at the moment because of the damage this friendship is causing. If it's important to him then this women doesn't have outside of work contact with him. No messages. Nights out. Hobbies or cuppas at the house.

He has to think very carefully about what's more important. Your marriage and emotional well-being or her.

He may not even realise that what he's doing is an affair. It took time for my husband to realise he had crossed the line because it wasn't physical and then he panicked and dig in deeper not wanting to lose his marriage or his ego booster. Make him face facts.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/08/2019 14:57

Even if they'd only come back for something for work, she's obviously been in the OP's house before and felt sufficiently comfortable there and with him to be taking a cup out of the cupboard herself.
If it was a first time for her, she wouldn't know where they were, and (if it were me) wouldn't be helping herself to a cup anyway, she'd be waiting for him to get one out for her, like a guest would.
She was far too "at home" there for this to have been a one-off.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 20/08/2019 15:08

Op has aleady said the woman has been before.

Bluffinwithmymuffin · 20/08/2019 15:22

Am I the only nut that’d have hid when they saw the car or dashed upstairs n plopped my arse on the bed.

No, I’d have done that too. Or hidden in the wardrobe then leapt out, photographed them at it and run straight out the door to get shots developed into hard evidence

slithytove · 20/08/2019 15:25

There was a woman on here a few years ago who was preparing to leave her husband. She was amazing. Filled a storage unit with anything she felt she would need, bought years worth of National trust and merlin memberships, birthday presents, toiletries etc, loads of stuff and all on him.

Are your finances in good enough shape that you could do similar?

MsSafina · 20/08/2019 17:13

I'm an old bird and nothing men do surprises me anymore. Best if you cool your heels a bit and don't do anything rash. Revenge is a dish best eaten cold. Sorry you're going through this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/08/2019 17:29

@slithytove I remember her! She was ace.

Did she leave him in the end? I bloody hope so.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 20/08/2019 17:48

Regarding her husband, he doesn't appear to be on social media. No idea how I would contact him or what I would even say

"Hey I suspect my husband of shagging your wife but they both say nothing physical has happened, she just flirts with him for attention" sounds extremely pathetic

OP posts:
DeadButDelicious · 20/08/2019 17:55

"Hey I suspect my husband of shagging your wife but they both say nothing physical has happened, she just flirts with him for attention" sounds extremely pathetic

Doesn't make you sound pathetic at all. I'd want to know if my SO was flirting with other people for 'attention'.

YouJustDoYou · 20/08/2019 17:56

Don't be lied to

Lay it out straight that your marriage is important to you you want it to survive, but that can't happen at the moment because of the damage this friendship is causing. If it's important to him then this women doesn't have outside of work contact with him. No messages. Nights out. Hobbies or cuppas at the house

He has to think very carefully about what's more important. Your marriage and emotional well-being or her

^^THIS.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 20/08/2019 17:59

Op. You have every right to be mad. I'd change the locks before he gets home.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 20/08/2019 18:04

I'd change the locks before he gets home.

Fucks sake. You can't just change the fucking locks on someones house. Jesus.