Husband brought a woman into our home

[girlsgonetame]

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

Well they didn’t go there to play tiddlywinks, feel for you love, any man that hides a woman’s name is up to no good, why was this woman in your house anyway!,,

OP the First thing he should be paying for is your meetingwith a very good divorce lawyer. Today.
Shit him up a bit even if you haven't got the balls to go through with it yet.

He is going to move out or start bringing her home so you move out he won't put up with your hurt or your anger because he has the other option and you are not the nice gullible adoring version any more.

You are not holding any cards here.

They often don't "go for it" as a relationship in their own until they're forced to by partners finding out and throwing them out. How they fare then depends on many things.

Is this woman actually attached; he'd have to depend on her leaving her partner too and he may not have that confidence in her yet/at all.

No cheating man is going to leave his family home, comfort, stability, familiarity and live in a probably rented flat on his own; waiting for a mistress who may or may not leave her partner and taking whatever scraps of time she can give him - the scraps work because the people have company, structure and stability the rest of the time.

I agree he isn’t going to leave his home comforts ruin his reputation finances etc until ow is totally on board in the meantime he will continue to have his cake and eat it

OP don't feel that they are 'laughing at you'. When they are together you don't even cross their minds. They are only capable of thinking about themselves and their own egos. You are not being made a fool of. He's making a fool of himself. You are doing everything right.

“No cheating man is going to leave his family home, comfort, stability, familiarity and live in a probably rented flat on his own;”

Well does he have any choice?

He has told his wife he fantasises about this other woman while he’s been having sex with her.,

I mean, there’s no going back from that is there?

What does he think is going to happen now? He just comes home and carries on as if nothing has happened?

There are children in this house. The atmosphere will be unbearable. It’s not fair on the DC.

How will they explain the fact he’s sleeping I the spare room? Or the tangible hatred in the house?

He has to move out. He’s made his bed, now he can lie in it.,

Isn't it funny how when a woman is young and attractive men will take the time to talk to them and find out they are also funny and intelligent. I doubt they even bother to make that much conversation other colleagues.

Also, what is the deal with this other woman’s husband? She may find she has no home to return to either. What’s going on there?

Sorry OP. You must feel drained after all that.

But please please don't trust that your husband is not planning on protecting his own finances and leaving as soon as he can.

He's shown himself to be a schemer. He's shown himself to have no respect for you.

This kind of person if very capable of having no scruples and of giving you a good financial thumping on top of everything else. Believe me I know.

Enjoy your weekend away, absolutely. But make an appointment with a solicitor for as soon as possible and make sure you know your position and his, as of now, before he has chance to hide anything.

I know it's scary and you don't want to think about it. But you must. Really. Or what is a terrible situation for you might become a lot worse.

OP what is her situation? All you know is what they have told you, for all you know her fella might have told her he's not putting up with it either. That may well be what they were discussing at yours over a cuppa.
Where was her husband while she was on the phone to you half the bloody night?
They are liars they both have an uncertain future at this point, neither of them know what you are going to do beyond acting crazy and getting him to pay for them to have your house to themselves for a weekend

You're not going to enjoy the weekend away you'll be eaten up with what they're doing at your house. Slow down and stop making rash decisions, You're not punishing him by giving them a weekend alone, you will be punishing yourself.

You need to focus on you long term.

I agree I wouldn’t enjoy a weekend away I would be wondering what they are getting up to. Save his money for the divorce settlement and solicitors fees

I don't know.....when I'm faced with trauma, my first thought is to 'run away' somewhere for a couple of days. OP focusing on herself for a while instead of the endless fretting over her sleazy husband may give her strength and headspace.

OP have your weekend away but i strongly advise you to speak to a good solicitoir to see what your options are and where you stand and who will get what.

You don't have to prove he's had/having an affiar at all but it would be in your best intrestes to know what can and can't be done and where you stand legally and financially OK?

Well does he have any choice?

I was only trying to answer ops question of why he won't just be honest and leave, why drive her mad with deceit and gaslighting etc ..

I agree he shouldn't have a choice, but I also think op needs to play this whatever way benefits her financially most .. that may mean quietly gathering info and making plans whole he believes she doesn't intend to chick him. However it's all debatable.

I hope you're right Mariana but I would spend that weekend looking at my knackered tearstained face and obsessing about them having all the fun of the fair and being around my kids.

OP have you got any RL girlfriends you can take along? Hearing people who care about you tell you what a cunt he is, slagging her off and reassuring you that you will get through this and be better for it might be what you need.....It would also make him squirm a bit to know his dirty lil secret has become a real life stick he's being beaten with

*chuck

I'm so sorry lass.

Do what you need to do, what's right for you now and for your future.

OP of course you're not perfect. No one is. The other woman isn't either. She just represents a fantasy and maybe that's all your husband thought of it. Regardless of the drama queens and frothing on here, what evidence do you actually have that he is having an affair? you have posted on here many times about your jealousy and insecurity and how that has made you question him. It is hell to have to live like you have - a life full of suspicion and no wonder you feel you have been cracking up.

Maybe your marriage is over, but maybe it is over because your husband also can't live like that. Maybe there's still a chance for you both but you need to talk to him and, more importantly listen to him and not the faceless idiots on here who are treating your life like a soap opera. To be brutally honest, none of us really care if your marriage lasts or not. We will all just move on to the next drama and yours will be forgotten on here. Yes I'm including myself in that.

You two are the only people who matter in this and what you both want your future to look like. So step away from MN and sort out your life with your husband.

Good luck whatever that future looks like.

Surely, SURELY he couldn't be brazen enough to bring the OW into the home with the kids in while the OP is away? She is, after all, also a married woman with her own husband - I can't see that happening.

And I have an extremely low opinion of cheating men, so I'm not often one to think that they wouldn't do something.

Re. "staying for the children" or the money, or whatever other reason - this is not a good idea.
I knew of a lady (sister of a friend) who was married to an abusive partner, who happened to be in the police. She secretly divorced him when the kids were something like 12 and 9, but didn't tell them and didn't leave the home or make the exH leave. They slept in separate rooms and he no longer had "marital rights" (this was before the domestic violence issue became more of a police matter) but the atmosphere in the home was horrible.

She didn't actually leave (or make him leave, not sure which) until both DC had gone to university - and they went MAD at her, for keeping it a secret from them for however many years, and for making them live in that horrible atmosphere.
So "keeping it together for the DC" definitely didn't work in that case!

Once the atmosphere becomes as poisonous as it will in your home too, Girlsgone, your DC will suffer for it. It's just not worth it.

She has said nothing is going on and she's got no plans for that to change.

Oh really.
At least if this affair/not affair blows her job up, she can get another one in politics.

OP, you are being played by both of them, no question.
The only question is whether they are playing you for individual gain, or for a mutual plan of eventually running off together.

Somehow I doubt it's the latter - for the OW. Her politically cool reponse to you (see my post just above) is the response of a PLAYER, but I doubt shes playing for keeps with DH. What would she want with him as a full-time proposition, especially as he'll be worth at least half of what he is now once he's met his divorce settlement responsibilities.

The fact that you send most of an evening texting her is ... fucking weird. For you own sake, stop it You are just torturing yourself - what on earth do you reckon is it going to achieve? For all you know this cool customer is laughing her head off at her power over you. Stop throwing your dignity away - you need it for yourself.

The weirdest bit though is how long she was prepared to text with you. Think about it from the perspective of a innocent colleague:
if innocent, you might be concerned, embarrassed, offended, upset by an unfounded accusation. You'd want the chat to finish asap. You certainly wouldn't be entering into an hours-long chat with your boss's wife FFS. You'd be cutting it short, protecting yourself, referring the wife back to your boss. You'd be making yourself scarce, & less noticable, not more.

I think the likeliest theory about OW is she is enjoying the power of having her boss in her thrall, & that she enjoys playing head games.

DH is a fool, & he is being so crazily disrespectful & cruel I don't know how you are staying in the same room as him right now. Let alone waiting for him to "see sense" or "come back".

What happened to your cooling off period btw?
And what resource is being put in place to support YOU through this horrible time? Do you have a counsellor? Are you doing any learning like assertiveness training? Because - wrong & twisted as DH & OW are, how on EARTH is it that you are unable to find your anger, your self respect, your dignity, & kick them both to the kerb?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad It's also come out that he thinks about her when he's in bed with his wife. He told her that, the 'he wouldn't do that it's so brazen' ship has well and truly left the port.

Leigh -seriously what is your agenda here?

It doesn’t matter whether he’s had sex with the woman; how many times; when; how; where. Who bloody cares? Who needs the details? He has lied to her. He has made her doubt herself. He is cruel and he doesn’t give a damn about the emotional torture he has - and continues to - put her through. Nor is he thinking about his kids. He has shown who he is. Is that not enough?

No marriage is worth this.

You seem to be suggesting that it’s still possible to find common ground here? Or that the OP should feel she is somehow to blame?

Ffs - he has told her he fantasises about that woman while he’s having sex with her. How cruel can you get? How low can you sink?

No there is no coming back from that. How can there be. Don’t you dare suggest the OP should doubt herself or keep trying or lower herself to his level. She’s tried to do that for long enough and look where it’s got her.

She is NOT responsible for his actions. She has NOT driven him to make a fool of himself with this woman. She is NOT an insecure psycho. Her instincts were right. It is NOT her fault she is married to a spineless sleaze. That’s all there is to it.

And the DH of this other woman needs to wake up to reality too.