Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
girlsgonetame · 20/08/2019 10:25

Oh I'm far from blameless @Leighhalfpennysthigh but why couldn't he just leave me? Why keep on keeping on, telling me lies? Making me go out of my fucking mind?!

OP posts:
Pollypenguin01 · 20/08/2019 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

girlsgonetame · 20/08/2019 10:28

I understand what you're saying @Pollypenguin01 but I am not intending to NOT do anything I would do if I left him except this way, he's got to fund my lifestyle rather than me struggling to do so by myself. Now, he's paying for me to go away for the weekend. He'll pay for me to have nights out with my friends. He'll pay for whatever it is I am doing when I meet the next man I take to bed.

OP posts:
Hamsterbabyhay · 20/08/2019 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

girlsgonetame · 20/08/2019 10:32

Reality check. He realised our marriage wasn't perfect when he met her but he didn't want to risk leaving something that was good more than it was bad for someone he wasnt sure was going to fuck him so he stayed and imagined he was fucking her when he was with me until a time when leaving would be a safer bet. Spineless.

OP posts:
CacenCrunch · 20/08/2019 10:33

Look after yourself OP. He doesn't deserve you the spineless twat

magoria · 20/08/2019 10:35

They had all the car journey back to work and all day at work to make sure their stories matched. Take them with a pinch of salt.

He is deceptive. He set her up under a false name to keep their contact from you.

No matter what they have/haven't done you deserve respect and to be treated better than this.

If he knows you are going to stay and hope you are never going to get this. He will probably treat you with less respect and not even try and hide stuff because he thinks you will put up and shut up.

Only you can change yourself and make sure you don't accept this shit.

Maybe2020 · 20/08/2019 10:36

Sorry op but how could you believe they have not slept together?
He’s told you he’s been thinking of her while having sex with you?
God he’s got bold ain’t he?. I think this will only go one way now, your confidence is going to be at an all time low, you’ll get obsessed about thinking about them at work together and constantly be checking his phone asking him questions etc.
You’ll think about her and search her social media all the time.
You’ll never trust him again. And it will eat away at you.
Imo and I know it’s so easy for someone to say when their not in your situation but honestly I would leave him. There’s no way I could have sex with my oh again if he told me he was thinking of someone else ( and don’t get me wrong everyone fantasises) but I would t want to know or be told especially if it was someone we knew.
He’s a nob and your better off without him.

Maybe2020 · 20/08/2019 10:38

I also wouldn’t stay for money.

Iamdobby63 · 20/08/2019 10:43

Don’t take it on board... they ALWAYS blame the wife. You were jealous and insecure but it’s now been proven you had every right to be. What a cruel game. Can you see that he has manipulated you, emotionally abused you?

You may want to move this thread or start another in relationships, whatever you do you are going to need support.

MicCheck · 20/08/2019 10:44

I'd stay for the money. For now. I'd rinse that fucker dry.
I'd get all the info about his finances and make sure I'd get what was mine. And bloody enjoy myself in the meantime.

I just hope he doesn't manage to talk you round . The longer you stay with him, the more likely that will become. Soon enough all this will be a distant memory and you may decide you can put it in the past... don't do that.

Lennon80 · 20/08/2019 10:45

I agree with larrygrylls - her involvement has been much more than she is letting on because that situation of your bosses wife texting you through the night just wouldn’t happen and you’d be straight to HR.

There really is no fool like an old fool and when men will realise that 20 year old women don’t actually think they are fuckable they are in it for what they can get. I knew the second you said their ages he was her boss.

I feel for you - many women have been here and many will again. Men and their egos! She could be his daughter the filthy old man! They make me sick! I hope you fleece the bastard good style! Focus on you and the kids and building a life for yourself.

Hamsterbabyhay · 20/08/2019 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EvenPhilip · 20/08/2019 11:00

So your dh has told you that he thinks about this woman when he shags you, brings her to your house, texts her in front of you and you are taking yourself off for a sauna and a facial?
Happy relaxing Hmm

Pollypenguin01 · 20/08/2019 11:00

Did he say to you he was waiting until leaving was a safer bet?

He has been very cruel. What a horrible man.

You didn’t deserve this, some people are just selfish shits and quite honestly your husband is one of them.

Lennon80 · 20/08/2019 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Maybe2020 · 20/08/2019 11:08

My point exactly @EvenPhilip !
I’d of kicked his arse right out the door and told him to go fucking shag her then.
Fuck spending his money divorce him take half of yours and go live your life.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 20/08/2019 11:08

If she can't afford to leave, why should she? Stay but with separate lives or ask him to go.

MrsHound · 20/08/2019 11:10

Girls husband now has the best of both worlds. She is braver than me. I couldn't stand to be in the same house as him knowing what he thinks of me.
He gets to pursue his infatuation and she gets to watch. She needs a locksmith and a solicitor for the sake of her children and her mental health.
Hope his knob drops off.

flashdancer19 · 20/08/2019 11:20

Please leave your mental health is worth more than any amount of money!!

lilmishap · 20/08/2019 11:23

She has no intention for it to go further because you don't fuck up your bosses marriage until he has, plus why would she? he has made it clear she is fan-bloody-tastic which must feel good. She has taken the piss out of you in their private conversations and she will know he has feelings for her.

They both know this is shady and they both know you are not riddled with trust issues

You're not the first to have been driven batshit insane by this, I spent 3 years being an absolute lunatic over cheating that the ex would not admit to and despite all the evidence there was I felt I needed him to admit it before 'giving up' and leaving.
I was wrong about needing the admission and I was robbed of the satisfaction of leaving because she got pregnant and he left, you don't need him to admit it to decide you are worth more than this, it is not a competition and you won't 'win' him back because this has already shattered your relationship, self esteem and sense of sanity.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, reading your posts has brought it all back and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I hope you get peace of mind. Whatever that takes

Rethymnon · 20/08/2019 11:23

Don’t even give that Leigh troll another response.

OP, if there’s one thing you have that they don’t is this - INTEGRITY.

Hold onto this. Unlike them, you still have your self-respect. You have done NOTHING wrong.

You are absolutely right. He would have left given half the chance - ie if she’d left her husband and given him the nod. But otherwise he’s too spineless. The creep.

There is nothing worse than a spineless, lecherous old fool.

At this moment, his mind will be busy spinning his own narrative. “Oh we were growing apart anyway. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t cope with all the jealousy. She didn’t understand me. The pressure was all too much....”

Bollocks to that and f**k him.

He has to deflect the blame somewhere because what’s the alternative? Facing up to the fact he’s a spineless creep? And a fool to boot?

Who will he blame next - the kids? The weather?

Do not engage with any of his crap. A creep is a creep. A cheat is a cheat. A wanker is a wanker.

You don’t say anything about this woman’s husband... What the hell is going on there?

If I were you, I wouid have no hesitation whatsoever to name and shame them far and wide. I’d start by letting this woman’s husband know what he’s married to. Presumably you have the texts from last night? Di t hold back. Then I’d go to the top of the company and let them know what this manager is getting up to with a less senior employee during work hours. Oh and also they’d is a MN thread about the whole thing - maybe they might like the link?

Make them a laughing stock. Don’t hold back. Why wouid you?

Then clear out as much money as you can. Tell him to live somewhere else until you decide your next move.

Focus on yourself and your children and push him off the cliff.

GilbertMarkham · 20/08/2019 11:23

but why couldn't he just leave me? Why keep on keeping on, telling me lies? Making me go out of my fucking mind?!

Because he wants to leave *if and when" he chooses to leave, not you.

GilbertMarkham · 20/08/2019 11:27

A cheating man has a great deal to lose by leaving his wife/family - a lot of downsides .. finances, relationship with kids and wider family, reputation/image, stability .. and he may not be sure ow will.have him if he leaves. If she's in a relationship, there'd definitely doubt. Even if she's single, there still may be doubt.

This is why they're likely to not leave, to try to have their cake and eat it. A lot of the time when cheating men leave marriages, its because their wife chucked them, not because they left.

GilbertMarkham · 20/08/2019 11:30

Many cheating relationships only exist as a parasitic (exciting, illicit, escapist parasite) rucksack on top of the existing relationship; they may not function,/have real legs on their own .. many affair partners inherently know that, even if they don't say it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread