Husband brought a woman into our home

[girlsgonetame]

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

He's telling you he has feelings for another woman and has thought about her during sex with you? For that alone he should be out. It's time to get angry, or these two will run you around.

you deserve a lot more than a man who is doing this and who will tell you he is thinking about someone else while he is with you.. people only say that stuff when they have stopped caring about hurting you

'Tell her everything' means there was something for her to tell you but according to him nothing happened.
So what did she tell you?
And why has she been in your house before?

It seems to me that he has already moved on from your relationship. Even if they haven’t been intimate, yet, they will, or he will with someone else.

Sorry

Larry is right. Any remotely reasonable woman in her 20s (married as well) would be beyond mortified to have caused this kind of rift in someone else’s marriage. Not to mention some 50 year old, with kids - and her boss!! Is beyond belief. She seems to be getting a kick out of the whole thing. Who would be up half the night if there was nothing going on? Is her own husband aware of any of this? Is she not worried about you telling him? They are both unhinged.

Once before in similar circumstances, to drop something off. Once when I was away for the weekend he had a few colleagues over (I never knew)

Yeah, I'm going through stages I think. Shock. Anger is setting in. How could he do this? To me? Our children? He's a disgusting, lecherous old man. I feel sick thinking about it

If she had been interested he would have been off, no thought for us. He thinks about her all the time, apparently, but she's not interested. She flirts with him but she flirts with everyone. He thought he was special at first, the idiot. Then it became apparent she was just like that but it was too late for him, madly in love with how funny and smart and beautiful she is by that point

I have no regrets about last night. Maybe they are at work laughing about me right now but they were laughing before. At least now I know it's the truth that they're laughing about (and that would say more about them than about me). Maybe she's realised just how into her he is and they're fucking. Good, at least then it's worth destroying our marriage for. I actually think it'd be better if they were shagging. Otherwise what was the point?! Maybe she's realised what a pathetic, disgusting, sad old man he is. Good. Maybe he'll feel a tenth as rejected as I do right now.

Fuck him. Fuck her. I'm staying for now for the money, the routine, the house, the children. I'm going to spend a lot of time and money on myself. I can reassess in the future. Maybe then we can work on it. Maybe I'll leave him. If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd leave him tomorrow. As it stands I'm not financially ready.

Right now, I hate him.

She doesn't sound like a nice person to me, I wouldn't communicate with her. She might be getting off at the thought of upsetting a family

They'll have discussed this already. Come up with what she's allowed to tell you so it looks like they're being 100% and downplaying yeh actual affair itself

It's all mind games he (and she) know exactly what they're doing. He's still gaslighting you

Once when I was away for the weekend he had a few colleagues over (I never knew)

Sure, that seems more plausible, he had a few people over and didn't mention it, or, possibly, just her. If he had people over, why keep it a secret? But just her, of course it's kept from you.

Seems something's been going on for a while, and that's why it was more cosy and having a cup of tea.

Right now, I hate him.

Good. Use that anger to push through the next few weeks and months - a better life is waiting for you.

I don't believe for a second that she's told you everything. She's told you enough to make you angry and understand that this is not innocent, but she won't have told you everything.

They never do.
He won't either.

You will find out more and more, piece by piece, either by him slipping up or by stealth - and you'll be shocked and gobsmacked again each time that he could sink even lower than he already has (in your mind).

Stay if you can - but your marriage is done, in all honesty. It's not just the cheating, it's the gaslighting and trying to make you think you're mad - emotional abuse, in other words - that's the death blow for your marriage, he hasn't enough respect for you to be truthful.

And no - he won't choose to leave you, especially if she doesn't leave her husband, because that would make HIM the bad guy - he doesn't want that! He wants you to throw him out, so he can play the victim. He wants to be able to re-write history so that your marriage was already dead, you didn't understand him, he'd been unhappy for a long time, and you were a mad jealous bitch who "made" him cheat by your constant accusations.

None of that is true - but it soon will be in his head, especially if you throw him out. He won't be able to take responsibility for his wrongdoing, he'll have to make it your fault.

It's a script and they all stick to it.

You may not have the whole truth, don’t forget they have had time to plan how this will play out. She isn’t going to admit anything, too scared you will tell her husband. It doesn’t really matter if they’ve actually done the deed, they have both shown such little respect for you and he has lied to you and made you feel like you are losing your mind.

Unfortunately I think he has always known that you are desperate to keep your marriage together and he has used that against you.. and probably still is.

If you are staying with him what are your plans for trying to make this work? How are you going to get the anger out and move on without it constantly being an issue?

It sounds like the affair is a given.

There’s a possibility that the reason for putting the kettle on is that they’ve actually moved beyond the illicit clothes-ripping sex stage, and they were planning the next stage of their life together. It’d be a lot easier for him to figure out what documents he needs to take/ hide from you in the divorce proceedings if he’s in the house where the documents are.

Posters who have told you that he is several steps ahead of you are right. You’re now reeling from the betrayal of the affair- the emotions, the abandonment, the jealousy- which is understandable. They are now relying on you focussing on trying to ‘win’ your husband back while they figure out what to do next (and let’s be honest, they’re doing that together).

Terrifying as it is, you do need to consider the prospect that he is planning to leave, and he won’t be kind to you in a settlement. The husband you thought you had is gone- I’m sorry.

And no - he won't choose to leave you, especially if she doesn't leave her husband, because that would make HIM the bad guy - he doesn't want that! He wants you to throw him out, so he can play the victim. He wants to be able to re-write history so that your marriage was already dead, you didn't understand him, he'd been unhappy for a long time, and you were a mad jealous bitch who "made" him cheat by your constant accusations

This is exactly right.

❤️ much love to you OP
Get angry!

I would be taking half of everything in the accounts and leaving. And take as much stuff from the house that you can fit in a van.

Take your time.
Play it cool with him.
Don't tell him what your plans may be.
Take control.
Do you want to be in the same situation this time next year?
When you're ready, start telling someone you trust. Start to make a plan. Look after yourself, while growing your independence. Get sorted financially, legally, emotionally, work-wise etc.
Be in control of your own life.

And no - he won't choose to leave you, especially if she doesn't leave her husband, because that would make HIM the bad guy - he doesn't want that! He wants you to throw him out, so he can play the victim. He wants to be able to re-write history so that your marriage was already dead, you didn't understand him, he'd been unhappy for a long time, and you were a mad jealous bitch who "made" him cheat by your constant accusations
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This 100% ^^

So sorry op. Even if she isn’t interested in him he has admitted feeling for her and to thinking about her during sex with you. How cruel of him to admit that to you. I am in a similar situation except he says he only sees her as a friend but his actions of being secretive and lying about tell me different
Personally I have decided to separate from him but due to finances at the moment still have to live with him so I am doing what you have been advised just to get on with my own life hobbies etc

Would you spend half the night exchanging messages with your boss’s wife because he was infatuated with you? You would either ignore or merely state that he was your boss and his feelings were not your responsibility. You would probably then go straight to HR.

This ^^

And no - he won't choose to leave you, especially if she doesn't leave her husband, because that would make HIM the bad guy - he doesn't want that! He wants you to throw him out, so he can play the victim. He wants to be able to re-write history so that your marriage was already dead, you didn't understand him, he'd been unhappy for a long time, and you were a mad jealous bitch who "made" him cheat by your constant accusations

And this 100% ^

Whilst you might think you are staying for the children now...this is going to eat you up @girlsgonetame.

Of course she wasn't going to admit to fancying him or having an affair either. I had that with the OW in my situation. I called her and confronted her with the nature of her messages and she was a condescending madam with what she thought were clever answers.

This marriage cannot continue!

If you can stay, grieve your marriage and keep him at arms length whilst taking care of your own mental health then go for it.

Do you have a spare room he can move to then you could be more like flatmates. There is always the sofa though that's a bit more inconvenient if you want to use the front room.
This would be prime getting everything sorted out time. I would start getting all the kids christmas presents in winter clothes etc. do cashback when you can and squirrel as much away as possible.
Things that won't perish like toiletries stock up on tell him it's for brexit if you want.

Collect and photocopy all relevant documents for financial and property matters. Keep that tucked away and start formulating a plan to leave. It doesn't need to be now you could have a 3 year plan or 5 year whatever works for you but start saving now

Shit. What a massive prick.

I have booked myself a very expensive weekend break. Hot tub, spa, etc. I deserve it. On Thursday I will sort out the photocopying. Then my weekend break. Then buying everything I might possibly need for the next year. I am saving up from now. I do have some of my own savings although not much.

I don't know if I should believe her. I don't think it matters now anyway. She did tell me she enjoyed his attention, he'd told her how jealous I am and how unhappy I make him, how he's not sure he wants to be with me. She knew he liked her but played dumb to him and pretended she had no idea, wanted to carry on a "friendship" for her own benefits but didn't want it to go too far, stroked his ego but not enough for him to get the wrong idea about her intentions!! Honestly, I think she is just ruthless

I am so sad. Grieving for a lost future.

Hmm, would be interesting to hear the husband's side of the story. I suspect it is very different.

If I was married to someone very suspicious and jealous I'd check out too. I'm pretty sure that's the advice given to women in that situation?

I always find it difficult to understand when people say they are staying to bide their time.

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than staying in the marriage when you have found out he is cheating if not physically then emotionally.

I would want him out or to get out myself, taking half of everything as I went.

I wouldn’t want to look back and think I had missed out on living a better life for myself. After you have spent months or even years in a loveless marriage you can’t get those years back. You’re not giving yourself a chance to lead a good life. On your deathbed when you look back will you mourn the fact you stayed? I would.

But then maybe I’m selfish and immature in my thinking but I wouldn’t be able to spend days and nights knowing everything is shit and the longer I stay the less of my life I can claw back.
Staying to ‘get my ducks in a row’ or until the kids have done x,y,z at school seems incredibly sad and like you’re still clinging on for the crumbs he is willing to throw your way.
It’ll be tough to start again but it’s surely better than living a half life?