Husband brought a woman into our home

[girlsgonetame]

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

I agree with larry there. That’s the only explanation for not shagging as soon as they came through the door. Unless they are building up to it with cosy meetings at his home.

Well actually I felt that people attacking anyfucker was completely unacceptable and beside the point. You're actually derailing the thread here, not us, we were on point.

If he'd forgotten something why the fuck did she need to go into your house?! 🤨
'Walking round like she owns the place' that's because she's been there before... your husband is a scum bag and I'm sorry came back for sex with her.
You should've tried to hide and see what their intent really was!

She's 20 something and he's her boss. She might just be going along with his crush a bit because it benefits her. I had a job like that I'm in my 20s and sometimes you just put up with it or enjoy the fact your boss likes you and your job is safe. I've never looked at a guy past his 40s and been like I want that.

The problem is him not her.
Worst case scenario she has a sugar Daddy fantasy but she probably just enjoying being his favourite at work.
She's also married too right?

I would be trying to get proof of something and be getting ducks in a row to leave as I wouldn't be able to deal with his feelings for someone else it's not same as just finding someone attractive.

Really hope you find some peace with this though whatever you do. X

*I've actually spoken to both of them. I messaged her on Instagram too. He says he has feelings for her (she's just sooo perfect hmm). She has said nothing is going on and she's got no plans for that to change.

I've told him he's making a fool of himself and a fool of me. I do think he's starting to understand the realities of the situation and the consequences of his actions. Obviously it'll be a long road. I really don't have the energy to do anything at the moment. I am just so relieved we are finally at this point. Before I lost my mind completely.*

He's not finally coming around, he's saying that to you so you back off, if he were to ever come around it would be after giving you space, and what did he say then? That she meant nothing to him. He's a liar.

Of course she would tell you that, she isn't going to give you the full details, especially if she has a husband you could then tell. She's not your friend, and heads up, people lie to protect themselves before helping you.

Honestly, I'd prepare for more of this, feeling insecure, him gaslighting you and telling you it's you with the problem, secret meets, but of course if you ask, it'll be more ammunition for him and her.

I am finding this so bizarre. Normally I think that affairs are too quickly assumed.

But:

Hidden number
Returning secretly to his house.
The familia mr touch on the arm despite being discovered.
Feelings.

If this is not already a long running (physical
) affair, I am the King of England.

The fact that some 20 year olds don’t find older men attractive is a total distraction. The OP’s husband’s mistress clearly does.

‘It wasn’t me’

And repeat.

What would your husband's bosses think of the situation?

Is he dicing with his job as well as his marriage?

Again ( and as per my other post)

If you don't feel you can leave, just spend some time looking after yourself on all frints- mind, body, spirit

“He's saved her name under someone else.

• He's told her about your problems and she's used them to ridicule you via text.
• He's had her in your home whilst you're in the midst of this whole argument about her. Anyone with common sense would be wary of this regardless of whether it was innocent or not.”

OP, he may we’ll be operating under a major fantasy based EA, and she is (at the very least) basking in the attention and enjoying pallying up to him in jokes about his marriage.

But making a cup of tea isn’t the most usual thing a couple in forbidden throes of passion usually embark on in the first few seconds of being alone in a house.

How did they have time to get out of the car, unlock the front door and get as far as the kitchen before you came downstairs?

I think this was an affair brewing, certainly on your DH’s side and she's been enjoying the attention from her ‘good looking’ boss. Your DH is having a typical midlife crisis and needs to wake up and smell the coffee before wrecking his marriage and family.

To be honest if they were having an affair and came to your house for some action they wouldn’t start with cups of tea. However, it’s very disrespectful to you to bring her in your home after your previous conversations and really quite odd for him to let her make the drinks. Far far too over familiar to ask a colleague in your house to start making drinks.

Your DH is being a d**k and also making himself look ridiculous to his colleague. He could even jeopardise his job if he were to proposition her and she report him.

You need to try and stay calm and just calming state why he is making both himself and you look ridiculous and he is jeopardising your trust and your marriage/family unit in the process. Lying to your wife and storing colleagues numbers in your phone (he’s her boss, so so professionally inappropriate, explain this to him) is breaking trust and marriages need trust to work.

I know it’s hard but you need to state all these ‘facts’ plainly and calmly and repeat so that he can’t play the oh you’re overreacting/being emotional/seeing things that aren’t there. Focus on what is there, lying, breach of trust and inappropriate behaviour if a boss.

Good luck.

I would like to add that I didn't just message her something breezy like "hey Hun, could I just ask, are you fucking my husband?" She replies "no, no plans to" and now I'm like oh brilliant. Very believable, happy with that, let's all move on. It was far more complex than that. I was messaging her half the night, speaking to H most of the night. After I messaged her I SAW her text him about it and I WATCHED him reply "just tell her everything". And she did tell me a lot

I don't believe he's had sex with her. Which is worse in a way. He's ruined our lives for nothing, for someone that he fancies

Our sex life is the best it has ever been. I now know it's because he's been thinking of fucking her the whole time! Haha can you believe that? He admitted that when I asked him

Oh and no, it wasn't her first time in my house

So what’s he going to do about it? Is he going to look for another job?

He needs to do anything and everything to win back your trust.

And at the moment you need to do everything you can to look after yourself. Starting with the basics, eat and drink - little and often if you can’t manage anything else

I wish you weren’t going through this x

Oh my god he admitted he thought of her during sex?

Don’t message that woman again, both her and your DH are playing you. You might think you have the power and are in control - talking to your DH and messaging this woman at the same time - you’re thinking you’re sorting everything out and putting both back in their boxes. They will be laughing at work later about what a night that was, never again, but hopefully you’ll back off now.

Have some dignity and don’t message the woman again. Prepare for a life separate to your DH.

Why are they going to your home without your knowledge during the working day? That’s awful.

Oh and no, it wasn't her first time in my house

So, what have they been doing in there previously then?

They really are spinning a web of lies.

OP this is hideous. He’s texting her in front of you, saying, “tell her everything”? He’s told you he’s been thinking of her during sex with you? This is too much.

He’s made a total fool of himself and I don’t even know where to begin with her. What’s stopping you throwing him out now; informing her husband if the whole pathetic situation and his office too?

You sound like their relationship counsellor. It’s too much. You can’t let people treat you like this. He’s not worth it, He’s gone, over with.,

It's a pathetic wank circle isn't it? He's flattered by the attention of a younger woman. She's flattered that he would risk his wife & kids just to shag her. Leave them to it OP. Insecure twat weasels.

But your still not going to leave him or even think about him leaving are you?

I really don't think the point of threads like this is to turn it into a vote of who to back. OP now has proof whereas before she has speculation. This changes everything and she is going to need time to process if and some compassion to help her get to the point where she can make drastic changes, rather than a baying crowd shouting crucify him

^^ This.

OP, I'm so sorry this is happening. And the fact he's been thinking of her whilst having sex with you is just horrific - he was just using your body to satisfy himself. This is all just so disgusting. And all the time they work together, how is it ever going to change? She's needs to never come near your home again, for starters, but unless you get a home cam how areyou ever going to know for sure she's not just usurping your life?

I’m so sorry op that really is horrible for you. Only you know if your marriage is worth trying to save. For me the disrespect shown by both of them would be a hard one to ever get over. Relationships can and do survive emotional or physical affairs, but things are rarely the same as before. If you do want to try or even if you decide to separate please get some professional help. Wishing you strength and courage for tough times ahead.

I’m so sorry OP.

I agree you need to find your angry and really show him that you will not allow yourself to be treated like this.
In your shoes I would kick him out and go right back to the beginning again (if I even wanted to try and save the marriage, which at this point would be unlikely tbh)
I would expect complete clarity, some relationship counselling, living separately and slowly build the relationship back (if that’s even possible)

Honestly it doesn’t sound like he would be prepared to put in the work needed to fix this relationship and if he already fantasies about her while you’re having sex and admits to having feelings for her then quite honestly it sounds like it’s over already.
Even if you were to try and fix this, you will always know that for a while at least you were second best to a cliched fantasy, I couldn’t live with that.

I also don’t believe he is being completely honest, it sounds very much like they have already slept together and unless he is willing to tell the whole truth you will always be left wondering what went on.

OP,

If you analyse the details of what you have posted, it is not a one way infatuation.

Would you spend half the night exchanging messages with your boss’s wife because he was infatuated with you? You would either ignore or merely state that he was your boss and his feelings were not your responsibility. You would probably then go straight to HR.

The intimacy of her messaging him and him saying ‘tell her everything’ implies that there was something to tell and he was comfortable saying that to her, without fear of her being offended or complaining about him professionally. The only doubt is whether ‘everything’ meant everything or whether it was code for telling you the least they could get away with. After all, they are both, presumably, intelligent and it is not beyond the realms of imagination that they discussed what to do if you challenged her.

What you do is entirely up to you. Personally, I would have thought that you at least need space. But you must do whatever is right for you, not what internet people tell you.

However, in terms of what happened, I would not believe a word either of them tell you. They work together every day and have no problem concocting and agreeing stories.

I'd boot him out. He clearly planned to sleep with another woman in your home, if he hasn't already. In your bed, most likely. He is a snake.