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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 20/08/2019 05:14

OP I am so sorry.
Whether they're having an affair or not is kind of irrelevant now.
From saving her contact on his phone under a different name, mocking you behind your back, inviting her into your home when he knew that would cause huge problems if you found out and now admitting he has feelings for her ....... he has treated you with utter disrespect from the very beginning.
You really do need to get some anger within yourself to kick this bastard to the kerb and focus on yourself and your children.
Sorry Thanks

maddening · 20/08/2019 06:41

So sorry Op, if he is admitting having feelings then hopefully he might be able to fully disclose the true nature of the relationship and if it truly hasn't gone past some middle aged man crush then perhaps he might be able to work to salvage it. However you can always take the control and end it if you are not satisfied that he is being truthful.

Perhaps asking him to leave now (especially if it has not developed to a full Relationship and she is married) it would give him ths shock he needs to see what he is losing - and if he cuts and runs anyway you would have saved yourself a long run of second guessing and drawn out car crash.

flashdancer19 · 20/08/2019 06:46

Thanks you've a tough road ahead OP.

PooWillyBumBum · 20/08/2019 06:49

You may have a tough road ahead, but so does he. The likelihood of an attractive 20 something woman wanting to be with him until he’s elderly is very slim...even if she herself thinks she wants him now!

KatherineJaneway · 20/08/2019 06:58

Everyone is suggesting that I leave but for me that's just not an option. I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to.

It is your only option. They were there to shag. If he'd genuinely forgotten something he would have dashed in and dashed out again. You walking in on them along with everything else that has happened means he has checked out of your relationship. There is no going back from this.

Lemonlady22 · 20/08/2019 07:02

i dont know where the cups are in my sons home and ive been there loads of times. Shes too comfortable in your home, and to be honest she has a bloody cheek even if she ISNT sleeping with your husband!

RoseAdagio · 20/08/2019 07:03

Forgive my language here, bu he sounds like a complete twat. Hiding her in his phone with a male name then blaming his subterfuge on YOU is classic cheater behaviour...when I called an ex out on being a cheat ages ago his first reaction was to respond "what kind of a bullshit question is that?!" and blame my lack of trust and suspicious nature.

Always follow your gut and I think you know what your gut is telling you.

He will in the long run respect you less and take you for granted more if it stay with him despite this. If you leave him, he may temporarily continue chasing the other woman, and perhaps if she isn't as interested as he hopes that is part of the appeal. In the fullness of time, he will realise what he has lost in you but by then it will be too late and you will have moved on....

Good luck and be strong. We are all rooting for you.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 20/08/2019 07:14

It's not what you wanted, it's heartbreaking and Anyfucker was quite blunt, but it's true, you need to find your anger and determination. You may not feel it yet but fake it till you do. He's left mentally already, he will lie to you, but even if he threw himself on the floor and begged for forgiveness your relationship is already permenantly changed.

It's shit, many of us have been there, it gets better and you will come out the other side but it's a horrible road, best travelled head high and without the pick me dance.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 20/08/2019 07:28

I've actually spoken to both of them. I messaged her on Instagram too. He says he has feelings for her (she's just sooo perfect Hmm). She has said nothing is going on and she's got no plans for that to change.

I've told him he's making a fool of himself and a fool of me. I do think he's starting to understand the realities of the situation and the consequences of his actions. Obviously it'll be a long road. I really don't have the energy to do anything at the moment. I am just so relieved we are finally at this point. Before I lost my mind completely.

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 20/08/2019 07:31

Soloula makes a good point. If they were coming back for sex during a working day surely they'd have been straight up the stairs?

31RueCambon · 20/08/2019 07:33

Glad he has admitted it.
Id actually take a break OP.
Leave him with the kids for 72 hours. Show him a snapshot of weekend parenting. I know it is Tuesday!

31RueCambon · 20/08/2019 07:34

Obviously go on yr own.

Heartburn888 · 20/08/2019 07:35

Why does she think it’s acceptable to take the piss out of you by saying stuff like she has. My ex was similar I didn’t trust him hence why I checked his phone and found messages saying don’t like my pics on Instagram you’ll get in trouble. Clearly both loving each other’s attention. Hope you can work it out but it seems like you’ve hit the end of the relationship. If you don’t want to rush things and say it’s over you defo need to ask him to move out for a few days and absorb what has gone on and if he thinks he can lead a better life with this woman let him have a taster of not having you in his life. Can guarantee he will be missing you like mad and he will only have himself to blame. Really do hope you’re okay it’s bloody horrible being in that position. You are good enough to be treated and respected properly. There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s him. You don’t go around treating people you love like that ♥️

AmIThough · 20/08/2019 07:35

I'm glad he's finally speaking to you about this, and I'm glad you can now see you weren't going mad.

The fact that it's not reciprocated from her makes things so much easier.
His feelings are nothing more than lust for a 20-something who's making himself look like an idiot.

You can work through this if that's still what you want Flowers

31RueCambon · 20/08/2019 07:36

@Heartburn888 who cares what she thinks!? Shouldnt. Doubtless she thinks what she thinks because of what she has been told

Fizzysours · 20/08/2019 07:39

Another one voting for @anyfucker. She may sound harsh but actually she is being very clear about some extremely harsh behaviour on the part of your other half. I know it's awful but listen to an old bird (me that is)....they have been in your house alone before. You are out on a regular basis...predictable....it would be miraculous if he were not sleeping with her during those times. I am not paranoid... I have loads of male friends but I do not walk into their houses and help myself to cups at a time I know their wives will be safely out. Please do whatever feels best but don't believe a damned word he says. He DOES NOT HAVE YOUR BACK

KatherineJaneway · 20/08/2019 07:39

She has said nothing is going on and she's got no plans for that to change.

She is under no obligation to tell you the truth.

Winterlife · 20/08/2019 07:41

OP, would you expect her to tell you she has feelings for him?

My husband had a neighbour who was 22 and married. She would bring her 48 year old married boss home to her apartment for sex during the day. Neighbour didn’t know my husband was home as he was working the night shift temporarily. The reason she was sleeping with her boss was to advance her career.

I’m not suggesting that’s true in your case, just that you cannot believe this young woman.

Fizzysours · 20/08/2019 07:41

Yes ^ what she said ^^ They will both lie to you so their grand lovestruck exit is under THEIR control. Do not believe them. Look at the evidence and find your rage xxxx

Takemebacktolondon · 20/08/2019 07:44

Did you say she was single op?

mordecaithomas · 20/08/2019 07:46

She has said nothing is going on and* she's got no plans for that to change.*

Maybe informing her husband will make that change 🤨

31RueCambon · 20/08/2019 07:46

True. She wouldnt admit she iscattracted to him..

@AnyFucker is right. Find your anger.

historysock · 20/08/2019 07:46

Lots of love OP. These are the hard yards now when it feels like the world is ending. But it keeps turning and you can get and will get through this.

larrygrylls · 20/08/2019 07:46

I suspect that not only have they shagged, but they have shagged a lot.

The ‘cup of tea’, to me, is a sign of a couple very comfortable with one another. They are not desperate to shag like illicit lovers but taking their time for a chill and chat before some leisurely (regular) sex.

No one can be 100% sure (and you may never be) but, for me, this is one of those where you really do need to split for your self respect.

Even if your long term goal is to stick together (which you may end up reassessing) , you have to have boundaries.

This thread reminds me of the Shaggy song ‘it wasn’t me’. What do you need to see to convince you?!

MyOtherProfile · 20/08/2019 07:48

Another one voting for @anyfucker.

I really don't think the point of threads like this is to turn it into a vote of who to back. OP now has proof whereas before she has speculation. This changes everything and she is going to need time to process if and some compassion to help her get to the point where she can make drastic changes, rather than a baying crowd shouting crucify him.