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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
ACPC · 19/08/2019 23:18

Throw him out Flowers

MsSafina · 19/08/2019 23:18

He is enjoying making you feel jealous. The best thing you can do is pay him back with his own coin. Get onto a dating site and openly date guys. Get them to pick you up from the house.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2019 23:36

I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to

I understand, girlsgonetame; I wanted exactly the same when it happened to me. I didn't get it of course and you probably won't either, but it doesn't stop us wanting it

I'm afraid the likely reason he's not left is that things aren't yet in place with anyone else. It may be very young girl or perhaps someone else, but sadly he's showing so little care or respect for you that he almost certainly will leave at some point - and then he'll try to put the blame on you for "driving him away"

Hard though it is, the only way forward is to take back your power. Personally I'd recommend legal advice on your position, maybe some counselling and a LOT more assertiveness where he's concerned. It won't be easy, but it can hardly be harder than living with this torment all the time Flowers

MsSafina · 19/08/2019 23:39

You could hire a private detective who could hack his emails and follow him if you want definitive proof of cheating. Most important if you want to kick him out

Mamaty · 19/08/2019 23:41

They are shagging behind ur back

Iwasatglastothisyear · 19/08/2019 23:49

because he has obviously told her I am jealous and controlling

Are you jealous and controlling?

howyoulikemenow · 19/08/2019 23:50

Things I have a problem with

  • He's saved her name under someone else.
  • He's told her about your problems and she's used them to ridicule you via text.
  • He's had her in your home whilst you're in the midst of this whole argument about her. Anyone with common sense would be wary of this regardless of whether it was innocent or not.

So whether he's cheating on you physically or not yet, he's still being a dickhead about it. In my eyes he fancies her at least. She may see it as platonic. Men are hopelessly deluded so he may think he's in with a chance and she doesn't see it that way.

howyoulikemenow · 19/08/2019 23:52

Sorry OP didn't see your latest update. :(

2018SoFarSoGreat · 19/08/2019 23:54

so sorry to read the update. Yes, it all looked and sounded suspicious, and your gut told you it was something, but hearing the actual words from his mouth is a whole other kick in the teeth.

Sending you a hug, OP. So, so sorry for you {flowers}

Justaboy · 20/08/2019 00:18

OP i think you've had enough this man does not love you and I don't think for a moment that the situation will reverse, sorry to say it you that is.

I think your best bet is to go and see a good solicitor with a view to a divorce.

You do not deserve to be treated like this, no man who thinks anything of you would say what he does and act like like he does.

Sorry:(

Okurrrrrrrr · 20/08/2019 00:57

This reply has been deleted

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MsDogLady · 20/08/2019 01:02

Girls, I am very sorry for your pain.

This unethical man has allowed you to suffer and be wracked with self-doubt while he lied, gaslighted and mocked you. He has betrayed you, your children, your marriage, and your home.

I agree that you need to find your anger and gather your strength. He is not your friend and he has an ongoing agenda.

Mummyshark2019 · 20/08/2019 01:04

Sorry OP. Sending you hugs. At least you know now. Flowers

Skittlenommer · 20/08/2019 01:10

You have to get with the programme, love and FAST. He is miles ahead of you. He has been taking the piss out of you for months. He is making you an object of ridicule. Find your anger

Tough to hear but true!!

croftermum · 20/08/2019 01:17

This screams out "affair" to me. I think you know that none of that is ok, and you're kidding yourself on if you think there's nothing dodgy going on here.

I think you need to have an honest talk with yourself about how you value your relationship, and yourself.

I think you're being made a foo, of, in my opinion.

I would not have even let it get to that stage. But yes, I would have hit the roof too.

p.s. There was NO REASON for that woman to be in your house in the first place. I'd say they were planning on bonking.

isitjanuary · 20/08/2019 01:22

I think @AnyFucker is right. It might be harsh but it's the best advice she can get right now. He is miles ahead of her. The faster she takes the blinkers off, stops trying to keep them together and starts to fight for herself, the better she will be in the end.

mathanxiety · 20/08/2019 01:47

So you have seen the texts where they are both laughing at you and you are still hoping your marriage can be saved?

And surely you know this woman has had sex with your husband in your bed, in your shower, on your kitchen counter, and on your sofa?

Where is your self respect?
They are making a fool out of you. Hanging noodles on your ears, the whole kit and caboodle.

Kick him out. Put his stuff in bin bags and tell him he can pick it up if he dares show his face at 'home' again.

File for divorce.

Put the house on the market.

Your old life is over. Embrace the new one. You can do this.

mathanxiety · 20/08/2019 01:51

I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to

That ship has well and truly sailed.

Lplus2 · 20/08/2019 02:32

Op unfortunately this is going to get even worse. He will start to drip feed you what is really going on. Telling you he has feelings for her is just the first step.

I remember reading your first thread.
Having her number as Steve in his phone.
Saying he hadn’t messaged her(then you found the deleted messages)
Her mocking you and asking were you allowing him out to play.
Him saying that he had told you she wouldn’t be at the pub.
Then him still meeting her at the pub.
Now coming home to find her in your home.

Cmon OP what more do you want?
Do you really have to see them having sex for you to accept this is an affair?

Don’t put yourself through anymore of this. Get some PROFESSIONAL help and set up some counselling/psychologists appointments and start putting yourself first.

Take care x

MsDogLady · 20/08/2019 04:10

He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn’t want to ruin that.

Yesterday “there’s nothing going on.” Today he has “feelings.”

He will be minimizing and doing major damage control now that you caught them ‘alone’ in your sacred space. You have learned that he has absolutely no qualms about conning and abusing you so that he can continue their affair.

BringMeAGinandTonic · 20/08/2019 04:32

OP you had said back on page 10:

I don't know why she didn't speak to me but I was clearly very angry and upset. If that was me I would try to reassure the other person. I know he's told her about me, I've read texts where she made a joke about me, asking whether I was going to let DH out to play - because he has obviously told her I am jealous and controlling and now I am a joke to her. Why is she doing this to me?

I am just curious if you know what they were doing/had planned for this event she referred to as "out to play". Was this a work-related event? Something else?

Happysummer2020 · 20/08/2019 04:36

LTB

He's gas lighting you

Teaandcrisps · 20/08/2019 04:44

So sorry OP, and hope you find the strength to kick him out.

WanderingTrolley1 · 20/08/2019 05:08

You need to be making plans for a life without him.

makingmammaries · 20/08/2019 05:09

Another one saying kick him out, and I don’t usually. But this is staring you in the face, OP. Has ‘feelings’ and brings her to your house when he thinks you won’t be there = full affair. Bin bags of his stuff need to go outside and get a locksmith to change the locks. I hope you have some evidence to help you in court because that bastard needs to be made to pay up. That may somewhat reduce his attractiveness to the OW, but don’t take him back please.