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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car"

OP posts:

Nousernameforme · 19/08/2019 19:21

I do think that whatever might have happened or hasn't happened you both deserve to live lives free of this suspicion and as such should take steps to end it.

Neither of you are happy he doesn't need to be shagging around for you to end it you can decide that you don't want to feel like this anymore that is enough.

IamtheOA · 19/08/2019 19:24

OP
If you won't leave, then please please, for the next year, focus on caring for yourself, intensively.

Go get counselling- make sure he pays. Get a really good therapist too, and go weekly.

Do something to broaden your horizons. Take a course, learn a new skill. Hell, do a couple of them. Make sure he pays.

Take yourself for regular facials, whatever else to make you feel good. Again, make sure he pays.

Maybe join a gym, or a running group. Something to make yourself feel fit and strong. Again- make sure he pays.

Do you have any goals, or anything you'd love to do? Skydiving, climb Mt Nevis, Walk the Great Wall of China? Start putting it in place and make sure he pays.

If you're going to stay, then maybe at the very least, try and build yourself up.

Good luck OP.

( PS- when I found out my ex had arranged to meet a woman, and lied to me about it, and then threatened me when I found out...it took me a year to finish it- almost to the day. That was when I could not stand it even a minute longer.)

You'll do what you need to do in your own time. Or not....

Either way, g'luck😊

MsDogLady · 19/08/2019 19:34

As I said previously, your H is lying to you. He has been using your anxiety as a cover to gaslight you as he chases this woman. He is playing you like a fiddle, and likely has been for years, as you’ve mentioned his habit of flirting with other women.

I recall the message where she mocked you, but the worst part was his. He responded that he had lied to you that she wouldn’t be at the pub. This was after he had promised you that he was telling you the truth. He was smug about making a fool of you. Despicable.

He treated you with contempt by bringing her to your home. If he had even an ounce of respect for you, he would never have done that. He crossed a huge boundary, and this is further evidence that he feels entitled to devalue you and your marriage.

Girls, you are making a rod for your own back with your refusal to consider leaving him/showing him the door. He is counting on that as he uses you for a convenient family life while he prioritizes and develops intimacy with this woman. And they do have intimacy.

After this betrayal, I would tell him to leave. Keep your anger going and do not allow his lies and manipulations to control you.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 19/08/2019 19:37

"Some on this thread seem to subscribe to the Mike Pence school of ethics. 🙄"

Lol

Lellikelly26 · 19/08/2019 19:43

The woman sounds like a total bitch. I would never do that to another woman or person I have no idea how she feels it’s acceptable behaviour. It’s like bullying tbh. Your husband is also being very abusive, not having any regard for your feelings.
If I was ‘just friends’ with a colleague and my husband didn’t like it I would tone it down and certainly would not side with the other guy over my husband! You know your husbands behaviour is not right OP. I hope you find it in you to leave

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 19/08/2019 19:45

This thread has more drama than a soap

FuckFacePlatapus · 19/08/2019 19:47

@BarleyG 😂

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 19:51

This thread has more drama than a soap

& yet it is someone's actual life.

If you think it isn't, report to MNHQ.
If you think it is, don't poke needless fun at someone who is already reeling emotionally.

GirlsBlouse17 · 19/08/2019 19:51

I think it's easy for many on here to tell OP to just leave her DH. Despite what's going on, she loves him and wants to save her marriage. I think the first thing she needs to do is to be certain something is definitely going on and take it from there.

If there is something going on, I'm guessing DH is thinking with his dick and is excited that a twentysomething woman is interested in him. I can't imagine the OW is interested in him seriously and it's a bit of excitement and fun for her. She would probably run a mile if it all got too serious and then DH would suddenly realise what he has lost and been stupid. He will realise he has destroyed his relationship with OP for nothing. What a twat.

LagunaBubbles · 19/08/2019 19:55

Why is she doing this to me?

You should be looking at your DHs behaviour really.

TanMateix · 19/08/2019 19:58

What did he do after that OP? Did she ask her to leave and stay things with you OR did he went with her and told you he would talk to you later?

Who he chose to apease shows who he cares about the most.

jacks11 · 19/08/2019 20:01

OP- i don’t think anyone can know for sure whether your DH is having an affair with this colleague- even those posters who somehow know for certain. I can see why you are suspicious and it is is certainly possible that he is cheating on you. Or that he would be open to having an affair with his colleague.

Equally, it may be possible that he is not and that your jealousy has taken some insensitive/thoughtless behaviour on his part and given it arms and legs.

It seems plausible to me that the explanation he gave is accurate. I have done similar with a work colleague- forgotten something needed, been given a lift and both popped in for a coffee beforehand (though as a it was a faile colleague, presumably this would not be deemed suspicious). So it IS possible.

Equally, if I had been in his colleagues position I might also have left sharpish if his wife became angry and upset at my presence, and was shouting. Bring honest- would anything she could have said or done made OP feel better? Or made OP believe her DH and this woman are not having an affair (whether they are or not)?

The bottom line is OP that the trust is gone and whether he is having an affair or not, I think your marriage is over because you do not trust him. Even if he is innocent, there would be nothing he can say to convince you at this point. If he is cheating, he’s unlikely to admit to it unless caught out/forced to. Either way, your relationship is dead in the water.

If you won’t leave him, you will have to learn to live with your suspicions (as he will never be able to prove he is innocent) and jealousy. Or, if you prove to be right and he is having an affair then you would need to learn to live with the fact that your husband is a lying scumbag who doesn’t Care enough about you to be honest.

Wherearemycrayons · 19/08/2019 20:05

Sorry but getting a cup out of the cupboard? She’s been there before, OP.
I’d end. Trust is gone and that’s that, his hearts not in it, you deserve better than to question someone for your entire life. There are people out there that will love you enough for you never to question it. Trust me I know from experience.

WomanInTheWindow · 19/08/2019 20:11

Wouldn't he have seen your car in the drive way anyway?

YouJustDoYou · 19/08/2019 20:18

OP, It's so so hard when they fuck with your head like this. The "perfectly innocent" explanation every single fucking time - it;s utter torture, it's fucking awful, and it completely messes with your head.

But touching her arm? Not ok. Inviting her in for a drink? Not ok. Her taking the piss out of you with that little joke? NOT OK.

He is not respecting what you want. He is choosing her over you - that says it all.

TanMateix · 19/08/2019 20:20

Yeah sure, it was an innocent cup of tea...

“Steve, darling, my wife’s car is in the drive way and she is imagining we are “involved”, do you want a cup of tea? I’m sure she will not mind.

Reading this thread makes you understand why so many women stay married to cheaters... too painful to open your eyes? Much easier to believe the imposible?

catspyjamas27 · 19/08/2019 20:38

Op I would get this thread pulled. The sarcastic, superior, goady comments you've had far outweigh the good ones.

BlueEyedBengal · 19/08/2019 20:45

Wish you well op please tell yourself you deserve more than this selfish man is giving you. You are the mother of his kids and he's not respecting you, you deserve respect.

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 19/08/2019 21:02

@jacks11 you said it perfectly

gingerbiscuits · 19/08/2019 21:37

I agree with everything the other posters have said! Throw the bastard out! The worst bit for me is the bitchy mocking of you behind your back on secret texts to each other - I'd want to chop his fucking balls off for that alone!! What a sad, pathetic cliche though - younger woman, older Boss. Yuk.

Poppi89 · 19/08/2019 21:44

I agree with @Skittlenommer you don't have to leave him but don't expect him to change as he has made it perfectly clear he won't.

I don't know if there is anything going on between the two, I'm not convinced there is and if not I can see why he refused to stop contact with her, however, bringing her to your home when you've made your feelings completely clear is so disrespectful!

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 21:51

He has admitted he has "feelings" for her

OP posts:

Original poster

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 21:51

I don't feel ready for an update just now

OP posts:

SteadyAreYouReady · 19/08/2019 21:54

OP I’m so sorry x take your time

AnyFucker · 19/08/2019 21:54

Are you going to start listening to us though ?

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