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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car"

OP posts:

Jaynesworld · 19/08/2019 17:41

He may or may not be having an affair. However, both are being very disrespectful to you.
I would not invite someone into my home if my DH was not comfortable with that person. Nor would I accept an invite into someones home if their partner wasnt comfortable with me being there.
The text about him "coming out to play" is also dissrespectful as she knows you are not happy with their friendship and enters your home and has crossed the line.
The fact that you have issues regarding trust is not his fault, unless there is previous behaviour to justify you feeling this way. But him lying about his friendship with this woman is not on at all and because he has done this, he has fueled the fire and created this drama. It was avoidable if he had been honest and upfront.
You cannot prevent your H from having female friends, but as you are not happy with it he should be taking your feelings into consideration and choosing what is more important, you and your relationship or this friendship with this woman.
Have you prevented him having female friends in the past??

EKGEMS · 19/08/2019 17:41

OP,the man you love and married is gone forever. Some day you'll reach a point where you realize you are allowed to love yourself

lawnmowingsucks · 19/08/2019 17:41

Name change on his phone and she knows where the mugs are for tea.

CatonNZ · 19/08/2019 17:43

Well n@girlsgonetame - she is mocking you via text (to him) because she, like he, has no respect for you.
The respect is gone my friend, and with that any regard he had for you. I really encourage you to seek a counselor and therapy - you seem so filled with self-doubt. No woman should have to go through what you are going through - but you are going through this and need guidance to make the right decisions for you and your children.
Take care of yourself!

Ginger1982 · 19/08/2019 17:44

Why can't you leave? If it is financial, I can understand but if it's just because you feel emotional about 'everything you have built together' then sorry but you are letting him take you for a mug. Even if they haven't shagged, if he was any sort of kind caring man he wouldn't be treating you like this.

MashedSpud · 19/08/2019 17:48

What you have to ask yourself is have you been unreasonably jealous in the past regarding female colleagues of your dh’s?
Even though it’s suspicious as hell if he gets days/weeks/months of hassle he’s probably going to change names on his phone rather than saying “No, sorry I can’t put your number in my phone or my wife will make my life a living nightmare.” Which let’s face it is embarrassing.

If you don’t react that way then it’s extremely suspicious.

cosytoaster · 19/08/2019 17:54

Leighhalfpennysthigh - do you also have your male colleagues number saved in your 'phone under a female name? The latest visit in only part of a bigger picture.

womenspeakout · 19/08/2019 17:54

This is just awful for you. I'm so sorry to hear it.

He's an arse, whether he is sleeping with her or not (although I suspect he is).

Saving her name as a male one speaks volumes first off. Then knowing how you felt, to bring her to the house, is at best extremely cruel, and at worst, well you know what he worst is.

The texts mocking you from her though, means that this is the type of conversations he is having with her about you. A decent person would tell her to not mock his wife like that, but no, he's partaking in making a fool out of you.

Trust your instincts, this man is up to no good and he certainly doesn't care a bit about you and your feelings, touching her arm, but not reassuring you!

MyOtherProfile · 19/08/2019 17:56

So did he then leave with her and "go back to work"? Have you heard from him since? Would you be expecting him home this evening normally?

Biancadelrioisback · 19/08/2019 17:58

Wishing you luck tonight OP.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 19/08/2019 17:59

@cosytoaster nope, but then I don't have a jealous paranoid partner going through my phone looking for evidence of a manufactured affair. If I did then I probably would yes.

Choice4567 · 19/08/2019 18:03

Just noticed the time, good luck when he comes home OP

isntshelovely11 · 19/08/2019 18:09

I bet you're really kicking yourself that you didn't wait to see what happened but I can imagine you must of been so confused/raging I don't know what I would have done in that situation. I'd have to speak to that other woman if it were me, you should have followed her to her car and asked her what's going on. Good luck tonight OP!! I hope you have a list of questions and things to say to your H tonight

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 19/08/2019 18:18

She asked would you let him out to play??? I'd LET her have him! The nerve!!! No respectful woman would drive her boss to his home because he "forgot" something and follow him in to his own home??!!! They are up to no good. I would have hit the roof and him as well.

Butiwantto · 19/08/2019 18:26

I stayed OP, I stayed for years in the hope things would go back to “how they were”. In all honesty it just keeps on getting worse until you realise that “how things were” wasnt actually how you thought they were. For someone to treat you so badly they are not (and never were) the partner you believed them to be.
I know you don’t want to leave but there will come a point where you have no other choice. For all you so desperately want to believe that he isnt cheating..he is! If you carry on allowing him to hoodwink you, he will just carry on shagging other women. He will never admit it to you though.
So sorry you are going through this. Please be kind to yourself. It is not your fault he is a cunt.

swingofthings · 19/08/2019 18:27

OP for a start, whether something is going on or not, you have nothing to feel bad about your suspicions because even if all those circumstances are the doing of the law of coincidences, anyone facing that situation would be suspicious, EVERYONE.

My gut feeling is that nothing has yet happened but it is very close to and today might have been it.
A nber of things can't be explained by coincidences:

for a start, if your OH had nothing to reproach himself, he would tell you that he totally understand how you feel and he would feel exactly the same if the roles were reversed. He hasn't said that.
when caught, he would have said he'd forgotten 'something', he would have said right away what it was, and after you went mad, if he was desperate to prove to you that he was t lying, he would have gone and got what he supposedly left behind. The fact that he did go and get something is only him thinking he is clever covering his lies.
The biggest evidence is that: what 20 year old, who stops at her bosses home for the first time, there to work to prepare for a meeting...goes to take a mug from the cupboard?

The reality is that he fancies her badly, but knows he has to tread carefully, because of you and because of his position at work. She knows he fancies her badly and is playing on it. Whether she too is considering going further or is just making the best of his attention to hope for a promotion, who knows.ut she is enjoying it all.

I expect he left this 'file' on purpose to come with the excuse of having to stop by on the way to the meeting. He wanted to test the waters and how she would act towards him in his home, what better way to gauge if she'd be prepared for more.

He looked guilty because he was guilty. Of course in his head he's done nothing wrong because nothing official has happened, except that it would have if she was up for it and he could do so getting away with it.

Mileysmiley · 19/08/2019 18:28

I would just get yourself checked out at a clinic just incase he has been sleeping around ... I feel so sorry for you OP

Cherrysoup · 19/08/2019 18:30

I think a pp has it, OP. He is prioritising his friendship with her over your happiness, despite knowing how much you dislike it and how it makes you feel. That says it all, really. If my DH did this to me, I'd know it was the end.

Tbf they are in 2 places in 99% of kitchens. Either hanging or in top cupboard nearest to the kettle.

Then my kitchen is weird. We don't have any units on the wall. Cups are in furthest cupboard from the kettle because there's the dishwasher under it, then the sink.

Patroclus · 19/08/2019 18:36

Yes, of course-''before we go in, I just need to warn you where the cups are'

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 19/08/2019 18:36

Then my kitchen is weird. We don't have any units on the wall. Cups are in furthest cupboard from the kettle because there's the dishwasher under it, then the sink.

It is. Because majority has wall units. I don't either though. So mine are hanging on the wall

colourlessgreenidea · 19/08/2019 18:43

Yes, of course-''before we go in, I just need to warn you where the cups are'

‘For that cup of tea we’re going to have before the shagging commences. Can’t concentrate on sexy time when I’m parched.’

Tink1990 · 19/08/2019 19:04

He bought her into your house after everything. Regardless of anything else this is wounding. The fact he thought you wasnt home? Taking the piss. So sorry OP, I feel it doesnt matter one jot if he is cheating with her or not.

FattyPeddledFuriously999 · 19/08/2019 19:15

for you OP xx

Skittlenommer · 19/08/2019 19:18

Everyone is suggesting that I leave but for me that's just not an option

Then your only other option appears to be to accept what’s going on because he clearly doesn’t give a shit about your feelings!

chardonm · 19/08/2019 19:20

Good luck!

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