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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband brought a woman into our home

835 replies

girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 09:37

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 19/08/2019 15:56

Let's be honest, most woman would not go into another woman's home if she was not there, especially with that woman's husband. Its disrespectful, most of us wouldn't like another woman in our house
What rot!

When my kids were in primary I often spent time putting the world to rights with one of the dads while the kids played. His wife and my dp knew all.about it and didn't care a jot.
funnily enough we managed to restrain ourselves every time and not shag over the kitchen table just because we were the opposite sex!

In ops case it's totally different her p is lying and gaslighting her and the ow is laughing about her.

If he was just 'picking something up' she would have stayed in the car not walked into the kitchen and started to make herself a drink. She was making herself at home which screams this isn't the first time.

Everything he has said and done points to his intentions with this woman while trying to blame op for being jealous.

Op you can't go.back. He has done this with no consideration for you. He lied and tried to turn it all on you you can never trust him again. Why would you want to live the rest of your life wondering if he is doing it again? Because he isn't going to change. You deserve better.

supersop60 · 19/08/2019 15:58

soloula I had the same thought. If they were coming back for a shag, they would have run straight upstairs, wouldn't they? Not be making a cup of tea.
However - it sounds like she is comfortable in the Op's house, either because she's been there before, OR she's a naive 20 yr old who has no boundaries.
They were definitely not expecting OP to be there.
Something is definitely off, OP. I'm so sorry.

hellenbackagen · 19/08/2019 15:58

cant you just ask him/her what the fuck is going on?

id be making some attempt to talk to her op. nicely. if she runs/refuses you have your answer.

InvernessAdventure · 19/08/2019 15:59

If they came back for a shag, why start to put the kettle on?

I would interpret this as OP's presence in the house being obvious only after they'd got there. For instance, a deadlock not being on the front door, or them hearing her upstairs. Tea and report reading sounds like a cover story to me.

There isn't really a good reason to bring your pretty, 20something colleague home with you on a Monday morning, and if you know your wife is already having trouble trusting you, that goes double.

Kplpandd · 19/08/2019 15:59

I personally don't think he is cheating physically. I think the OW is massaging his ego and enjoying the drama. Husband needs to get a grip and think about his wife and kids.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 19/08/2019 16:03

Sorry, OP. Sounds fishy as hell.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 16:06

He's very insensitive to bring her into your home knowing how you feel but it doesn't mean he's shagging her.

THIS , exactly.

Whether he is shagging this woman or not, he is making OP extremely unhappy, & making it clear that her happiness & wellbeing don't matter a jot to him.

This has left OP feeling desperate & unloved ... & he is offering her no comfort. Staying in the marrriage is only going to make her more & more unhappy.

SummerSummerSummer · 19/08/2019 16:06

Op you are not crazy. He is acting shady and being disrespectful towards you. Trust your instincts. They might not be shagging yet, but they could be working towards it by flirting and spending time alone together. If something feels off, it probably is off. When someone is trying to deceive you they will talk a rainy day sunny and you end up doubting yourself and feeling crazy. I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's shit.

wildcherries · 19/08/2019 16:10

If he only came back for some papers, there would be no tea-making. Whatever else is going on, he's clearly lying and disrespectful, and I hope you manage to get out of there before he buries you completely in self-doubt.

EvenPhilip · 19/08/2019 16:11

I haven't seen your other threads but I'm not surprised she said she'd wait in the car, I would have done the same if so.done had kicked off at me like that Hmm
Your issue is with him not her at this stage, and who brings someone home for a shag but gets the kettle on first.
If maybe it's because you only get an Ooo with Ty-Phoo?

Jayaywhynot · 19/08/2019 16:17

@Willow2017
When my kids were in primary I often spent time putting the world to rights with one of the dads while the kids played. His wife and my dp knewall.aboutit and didn't care a jot
the point is she didn't know, Troll on

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/08/2019 16:18

💐💐💐

yeahokright · 19/08/2019 16:18

Either way he's disrespecting you which to me means he doesn't love you. So sorry OP. Thanks

LollyBmummy3 · 19/08/2019 16:21

When I was in my early 20’s i had a good ‘work’ friendship with an older colleague. He was in his early 40’s, he flirted with me constantly and made me laugh. He was quite nice looking and successful, he was engaged and lived with his fiancé (she was late 30’s - no kids) I knew he liked me and being 20 I enjoyed the attention but I wasn’t attracted to him in that way as for me he was too old and he was engaged, although I did enjoy his company. I met him out once in a bar with his fiancé and she was very off hand with me. I thought nothing of it other than she was rude. A few years later ( we still worked together, but not as directly and we often took the train together because we lived in the same town) I saw his fiancé coming out of a bar with her friends, she called out to me ‘he’s all yours now’ and promptly got into a taxi! I just thought she was drunk and a bit nuts, but the next day I began to wonder what he’d told her about me. I didn’t see him for a while after that as i moved house and no longer lived in the same town. Fast forward 8 years and I was married and pregnant and a mutual friend messaged me to say that she’d met him and told her he didn’t speak to me after our ‘break up’! She wanted to know the gory details. There were none! I’d never been involved with him other than friendship/colleague. So the point to this very longggggggg tale is that he thought there was something between us and there wasn’t ever. He obviously talked about me to his partner and others indicating more was going on than there was. I was young and naive and flattered by his attention but that was it, and he was imagining it was more than it was. Maybe your husband and this girl are in a similar situation.

Jaxinthebox · 19/08/2019 16:30

@LollyBmummy3 I dont think OP is in the same boat, her husband is an arse and cheating. Of that I am sure.

@girlsgonetame I am so sorry to read this. Why is leaving him/kicking him out not an option? You need to take control of this situation. I promise you that you will and can move forward from this.

Sharpandshineyteeth · 19/08/2019 16:31

Are you talking to anyone in real life about this? I hope you are, you need support.

So he just skipped off and got on with his day, knowing you were at home devestated. What a cunt!!!

chipsychopsy · 19/08/2019 16:34

Another voice to the 'OW' side of things. I've been in a similar position. A colleague that I got on really well with (and really fancied, probably quite an intense crush). We flirted, he invited me to his house when his fiancée was away. We had probably rather inappropriate conversations about his relationship. It was never sexual. It was never an affair. But in retrospect it must have been extremely hurtful for his partner and our friendship was used as a weapon in the demise of their relationship.

In short, they might not be having a physical affair, but he is behaving in a way that is causing you hurt and is compromising your marriage. He needs to stop, and you need to be able to heal the damage, or you need to leave.

ElizaDee · 19/08/2019 16:37

Perfectly reasonable explanation. Every. Fucking. Time! Why doesn't he just leave me? If I am so jealous, why doesn't he leave me? If he's fucking her why doesn't he fuck off with her? I just want things to go back to the way they were before. They weren't perfect but I am making myself poorly at this point and I don't know how to move on

He's not going to. He's going to have his cake and eat it all the while he can. You are going to have to find your strength and chuck him out.

Everyone is suggesting that I leave but for me that's just not an option. I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to. We've built so much together. We have so much together. Too much to throw away over whatever the fuck this is

This will never happen. It can't, not after he brought another woman that obviously knows her way around it, into your house.

@TumblingTumbleWeeds not at all. She is far too good looking for him and in her 20s. He's good looking for his age but older at 51. When I look at her I second guess myself and wonder what she'd see in him

Promotion? Money? Being a kept woman if she usurps you?

DewDropsonKittens · 19/08/2019 16:41

Fucking hell, you need to kick him out and make plans because he is quite obviously at the least having an emotional affair.

The fact that she knew where to get a cup from demonstrates that she has been in your house before.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 16:45

I should mention
"She's married too, for fucks sake"

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 19/08/2019 16:45

Jayaywhynot

Read what I said before you make a stupid comment.

I was responding to the poster who said a woman should never be in a house with another woman's husband alone. That's rot.

The rest of my post was about ops situation which is totally different and all kinds of wrong.

MargotsBumpyNight · 19/08/2019 16:45

If they were coming back for a fumble, why were they having a cuppa though? Unless the mug was a penis beaker. Either way it was incredibly disrespectful to have her in your home and he should be keeping the relationship purely professional and distancing himself.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 19/08/2019 16:46

DH isn't what I would necessarily describe as "wealthy" he earns a good wage but works hard full time for it. He is her boss

OP posts:
Takemebacktolondon · 19/08/2019 16:48

It could be an affair that’s brewing or he is interested in her and she feels she has to partly go along with it as he is her boss.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/08/2019 16:49

messolini9 has it absolutely right:

Whether he is shagging this woman or not, he is making OP extremely unhappy, & making it clear that her happiness & wellbeing don't matter a jot to him.