Husband brought a woman into our home

[girlsgonetame]

I posted here recently about a friendship my husband has developed with a colleague. He saved her in his phone under a mans name, lied about seeing her, said it was because I was jealous and he didn't want to have to explain himself. I decided he should give me some space for a few days whilst I worked on my issues with trust and jealousy. He came home at the weekend, assured me there was nothing going on and that he loved me, loved our family, didn't want to ruin that. He told me he would maintain a friendship with this woman as they are doing nothing wrong but that he would be more honest with me about it

Fast forward to today. I am supposed to be at work today but after everything that has happened I couldn't face it so have taken the kids to holiday club with the youngest at DHs parents house and booked myself last minute leave so that I could have a day at home with nothing else planned, get some jobs done, have some time actually to myself without DC or H around

He cycled to work this morning so left really early (starts at 8)
Just before 9 a car pulled up and out they both got. She was walking around my house like she owned the place. Was I unreasonable to hit the roof? He says he'd forgotten something that he needed for a meeting this morning and she had offered to drive him as he'd cycled.

She didn't even say anything she just said "I think I'd better go and wait in the car" 

Just to address why this colleague might have run away, OP. She’s young. If she’s not sleeping with him (which she might not be) she would have been MORTIFIED at the confrontation between you and your DH (although it was totally understandable). I was in a situation a bit like this in my 20s (my boss and I were categorically not sleeping together, but a spiteful colleague told his wife we were). I’m over 40 now, and I deeply regret the way I handled it with his lovely wife, but I just wasn’t emotionally mature enough to deal with the situation. I still think about it more than I probably should. I’m not saying your DH isn’t at fault, and he’s certainly treating you very badly, but this could still be a crush of his, rather than a full-blown affair. Wishing you strength.

We've built so much together. We have so much together. Too much to throw away over whatever the fuck this is - well, OP, you might not want to throw it away, but it's not up to you if HE wants to throw it all away. You might want him to love you like he used to, but that will not happen, however much you rant and rave and rail against it, if he just doesn't any more.

Sorry.

It looks like he (at the Very Very least) doesn't even think about you at all, let alone love you. He's checked out.

Those texts from her mocking you are totally out of order. Whether they are having an affair or not, I'd have had a go at her for that alone.

I hope you are ok, OP. What are your next steps? Don't let him wriggle out of this. Such a cliche...woman in her 20s and older man

Pretty much this happened to me except I didn't catch them in my house. I had a dodgy feeling about a woman he worked him. He even brought her round and paraded her in front of me before them went out on a staff night out.
I worked night shift and one morning came home and found lipstick on a wine glass. he managed to talk me round, made me feel crazy. Told my friends I was crazy.
Later I Facebook stalked (not proud but it was eating away at me) her profile picture was a selfie of her, taken in my bathroom. Again he conicnvced me it was nothing, she had taken it the night she came over for the work do. Even though she was wearing a different outfit.
It all came out with the woman saying that she had been seeing him for months, at my house, while I was at work. Not only that but he had been cheating on me for several several years, with various different women.
My point is, don't ignore something because you don't want to see it. The truth is painful but would you rather life a paranoid mess?
It's a horrible thing to go through, I'm sorry.

So sorry you are going through this op I’ve had a similar situation and it messes with your head

I want him to just STOP seeing her and to love me the way he used to.

But sweetheart - you've already asked him to - & he has refused.
You can't make him love you,
You can't make him not see her.
You can only begin the sad process of acceptance, with all the loss & stress that is going to entail - because what is the alternative?

You hang on for ever, constantly insecure, unhappy, disrespected & undervalued?

OP, other women have been through this.
They come out the other side, eventually.
You have the power to give yourself such a happier life than this.

Why not keep quiet for now, while you consult a solicitor, & start assessing what the future looks like for you without your selfish cheat in it?

Then start lining up the practicalities, & remove yourself from this world of hurt & misery.

Just to add, if my boss’s wife had fronted up to me, I would have told her everything exactly how it was. It would have saved her a lot of pain. Hence, I would definitely do this if I ever had to.

The letting your husband out to play text and him touching her arm as she left gives me the rage and I don't know any of you!

She has the arrogance of youth, and your 'D'H is a middle aged saddo.

He doesn't care about you OP. He cares about her.

From your first post, I assumed affair. From the second post, not so much. Who stops for a cuppa before sex? Does seems highly disrespectful after what's been going on before but we're only getting one side here. Maybe DH was in the wrong putting Steph (or whatever her name is) in the phone as Steve but OP you did seem to go off on one with all the facebook stalking. Maybe it was easier for him as he knew how you'd react to a female friend? Not saying its right but would be interesting to hear your DH's perspective on things....

I wonder what he will say when he comes home from work?

My real issue with this regardless of whether they are or are not shagging is that he KNOWS how much this is affecting you, and while he obviously can continue a friendship if that’s what it is, it is utterly disrespectful to BRING HER TO YOUR FUCKING HOUSE after everything that’s happened. I’m purely outraged about this.

I think it’s a dealbreaker and I’d be telling him I’m leaving. He should be absolutely terrified that he might lose you but he sounds like a twat who doesn’t give a shit how you feel. Sorry!

And I still don't know if it's all just in my head and it's nothing more than friendship, because I was too stupid to stand quietly and see what happened next and I am so so so angry with myself for that

It doesn't really matter anymore whether it's an affair or a friendship. Whatever it is, it's harming you and it's harming your marriage. Your husband is prioritising this 'whatever it is' over you and your marriage and he's made it clear to you that that'll not change. So whatever you're feeling now is going to continue until you walk away. That's all that's left to you, live with it or walk away. Anything else would require him to make changes and he's already told you that he's not prepared to do that.

Like other posters I feel very sad for you. I'd be devastated if my husband made it clear I was no longer his number 1. :(

"Leighhalfpennysthigh Mon 19-Aug-19 15:10:28
Surely she would have made conversation if it was innocent, not awkwardly go wait in the car?

Not if someone was shouting at me and the person I was innocently having a pre-meet about.

But guess that we can't deviate from the it must be an affair line, eh?"

@Leighhalfpennysthigh What's your explanation for why this woman was saved under a false name, "Steve" on OP's phone?

If they came back for a shag, why start to put the kettle on?

If they are involved, it's not exactly hot and heavy is it?

Maybe they're not screwing, but it's probably an emotional affair. And there's something spiteful about the two of them going to your home when they think you're not in when they know it's the last thing you would want.

If they came back for a shag, why start to put the kettle on? grin

It is a bit odd: ‘Hey, lets sneak back to mine for a sneaky 9am shag! But before I passionately rip your clothes off, how about a nice cup of tea?’

When I was in my 20's there were many middle-aged married men at work who would try to get close to any attractive young women in the company. It was pathetic really, but there will always be young women who will be flattered by the attention, enjoy the feeling of stealing someone else's man - see it as proof of how desirable they are.

I don't know if your husband IS having an affair OP, but it's highly likely he wants one. He may have deliberately left something at home and cycled to work for the sole reason that he could then suggest she took him home to collect the missing paperwork.

The deal breaker for me is the text that shows they are laughing about you behind your back. How disrespectful and frankly unforgiveable. You deserve better than him OP, find your anger lovely and use it

*I think this is the clincher - any normal person would go "oh hii you must be Barbara, I'm Susan from work!""

Removing all other context, if I was in someone else's kitchen and their partner walked in and said 'what the hell is going on here?' and looked 'red misty' I would remove myself from the situation extremely quickly. Tension between partners is hideous to be stuck in the middle of and I have no interest in being involved. Even more so if it was a work colleague who I would want to not feel embarrassed. I'd just get out.

I have to say the timing and the tea-making doesn't scream affair to me. I just don't associate a nice cup of tea with passionate love-making...

Something's going on with the old husband though. It's all a bit off.

She sounds immature he sounds obsessed-not saying theyre arent having an affair but hes definitely enjoying the attention

And if that means more to him than how you feel then sorry its still game over

OP she isn't doing this to you. Your husband is doing this to you. You've told him how you feel and he is continuing to disrespect you. If you stay with him he knows he can get away with anything! Where's your back bone? Get angry, get mad, realise you deserve the best!!

Omg, i remember your last thread. You know in your heart what you need to do @girlsgonetame
The lying cheating idiot thought you were at work and clearly got caught out. Please do not give him another chance. Get your finances sorted, kick his arse right back to her and walk away with your dignity in tact.

Removing all other context, if I was in someone else's kitchen and their partner walked in and said 'what the hell is going on here?' and looked 'red misty' I would remove myself from the situation extremely quickly. Tension between partners is hideous to be stuck in the middle of and I have no interest in being involved.

Same here. Mortifying. I’d have legged it ASAP.

Op I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a horrible situation and I imagine your head is all over the place.

Please don't let this thread sway you too much either way. Take it with a pinch of salt. Yes there are aspects about this whole thing that don't add up. But all the 'he's obviously having an affair' comments are unhelpful. Nobody can know for sure especially a bunch of strangers on the internet. People on here love the drama and I actually think some of the comments here are pretty disgusting.

Maybe there is something going on. Maybe his story about forgetting something is true. The uncertainty will tear you apart and make you feel like you're losing your mind. I think you need some time out to take stock. Can you go away again for a few days? He's very insensitive to bring her into your home knowing how you feel but it doesn't mean he's shagging her.

I wish I could give you better advice. All I can say is be patient and eventually in the fullness of time things will become clearer either way. And please don't rush into anything based on what you've read here, this is your life.

I just read your update that he is 51 and she’s in her 20’s. This makes me think it’s more of crush on his side and she may just be enjoying the drama. Unless he’s loaded??? Either way he is disrespecting you and making you feel very insecure. That needs fixing!

I'd be setting up some.motionnsensor hidden camera in the house

Something similar happened to me, we had split for a while but were “talking things through” I popped home and had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. Turned out he’d picked someone up on internet dating and he had taken her into our home. We are now divorced. I can forgive/forget a lot of the things he said and did, but I will never get over the fact he took that woman into our home somehow it was worse then any of the other shitty things he did