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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To disagree with "my house, my rules" for adult children?

129 replies

jennymanara · 18/08/2019 00:50

This is a phrase that gets repeated all the time on MN. Now of course it is fine to lay out some basic rules that anyone should abide with such as you clean up after yourself and you don't trash the place.
But "my house my rules" really means - the person who pays the bills makes the rules. But if your adult children live with you, it is their own home too. And I think it is incredibly disrespectful to think that because you are paying the bills, you should dictate to everyone else who lives there exactly what is okay or not okay in their home.
Surely it is basic respect to your adult children to recognise that they should have a voice in any decision making about house rules?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2019 00:55

Adult children can move into their own home and make their own rules if they are dissatisfied with the current arrangement.

IABUQueen · 18/08/2019 00:59

I think being dictatorial about it is a bit rude and inflexible.

I think at least having discussions about it.. but the final decision should be with the person paying the bills and owning the house.

However communication is key. It’s a family not a kingdom

scaryteacher · 18/08/2019 01:01

Surely it is basic respect to your adult children to recognise that they should have a voice in any decision making about house rules?

He who pays the piper etc. If my adult ds decided he wanted to loll half naked in the sitting room wanking all day, I might just have something to say about 'my house, my rules'. Who would be disrespectful then?

If the adult dc don't like the rules, then they can get their own place.

Spacerader · 18/08/2019 01:01

I agree op. I think there should be a certain amount of respect. But adult children within reason should be able to do as they please.

My children are only just coming in to their teen years but I want them to think this is our home not mine which they just reside in.

MotherofDinosaurs · 18/08/2019 01:02

I'm a bit bemused by 'House rules'. I prefer a more lawless state in my home. With room for flexibility and pleasing oneself without having to adhere to self imposed rules. As long as we're all nice to each other. Having rules seems like a slightly stressful way to live to me.

Rumours0fAHurricane · 18/08/2019 01:03

Lol. It most certainly is 'my house, my rules' here. My eldest is 21.

She copes. There's an alternative should it become too unbearable for her Grin

bouncingraindrops · 18/08/2019 01:24

I managed to bring mine up to not require 'rules' when they became adults.

73Sunglasslover · 18/08/2019 01:29

I see where you're coming from but ultimately the person who pays the bills can't really go somewhere else whereas the adult children can. Unless the 'rules' are crazy-arsed this seems OK to me. E.g. you might want to say 'no coming home after midnight because it wakes me up and affects my sleep' or 'no going to bed before washing up' - not rules I'd set but understandable. If you said 'no wearing red on a Sunday' and 'all socks to be washed in a plastic decanter in the garden at 3 am on weds' that would be a bit much (but really who would?!)

0wlAgainOwl · 18/08/2019 01:30

Thats exactly why I moved out !

However, it can be lonely if the master of the house adhers to that rule forever

But that their choice to do that

BitOfFun · 18/08/2019 01:40

Basic respect is necessary when adult children remain in the family home. It goes both ways: the parents should treat their children as the adults they are, by not imposing ridiculous restrictions; equally the children need to appreciate that their parents don't especially want to be made uncomfortable by strangers (to them) staying overnight or hearing their sex noises.

Mutual consideration.

Ginmel · 18/08/2019 01:42

If kids want to treated like adults, they need to act like adults and that includes respecting others in the house. Of course there should be some give and take as the kids are typically more independent but there's sometimes some remain almost as immature at 18 as 20. They don't magically change overnight just because they are older.

TwoPupsandaHamster · 18/08/2019 02:06

I'm with scaryteacher. Nobody should be able to do what the hell they like just because it's their home. There has to be mutual respect amongst all family members.

KaleidoscopeEyes · 18/08/2019 02:08

Well it really depends what the rules are doesn't it? Basic respect and contribution to household chores and/or bills is a given imo.

AllSweetnessAndLight · 18/08/2019 02:11

Is this a TAAT? The mother was right. The DD was very unreasonable.

Rachelover40 · 18/08/2019 02:18

Aquamarine1029
Adult children can move into their own home and make their own rules if they are dissatisfied with the current arrangement.

--

Quite right too!

Broken11Girl · 18/08/2019 02:18

Strange post, if an adult son is masturbating in front of other family members or when they might come into the room that's sexual abuse Hmm and should definitely not be tolerated.
Basic respect and courtesy, yes.
Treating adult DC living at home like adults, yes. If there's a problem, discuss it in an adult manner. Dictating to a 21yo as if they were 16 is not going to help matters.
There isn't always an alternative place for young adults to live. It is not always affordable to rent on JSA or a low income.

Mothership4two · 18/08/2019 02:19

I'm with @KaleidoscopeEyes, it depends upon the rules. But you don't want to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home or to be treated without respect. The parents can't move on, unlike the children, so basic ground rules are necessary - they don't have to be draconian.

Bookworm4 · 18/08/2019 02:22

@brokengirl
I think your sarcasm radar is broken 🙄

Knitclubchatter · 18/08/2019 03:45

Generally children growing up have a certain idea of what their house rules are, so young adults are unlikely to be shocked by returning or updated house rules.
When it comes to rules about strangers sleeping over, sexual activity, smoking and drug use it’s up to the parents homeowners what they are willing to accept.

Chitarra · 18/08/2019 03:49

OP, I agree with you about respect and everyone having a voice.

But, if there is a situation where the parent and adult child fundamentally disagree, how do you think it should be decided?

Toneitdown · 18/08/2019 03:54

Eventually there comes a point where what the adult DC think is reasonable clashes with what the parents think is reasonable. That is nature's way of signalling it is time for adult DC to fly the nest and make their own rules in their own home.

I appreciate that sometimes adult DC would struggle to move out - perhaps they want to save for a house, perhaps they are unemployed etc. In this circumstance a balance needs to be struck where everyone is respectful and flexible (where possible). Final say still rests with the parents as it is their house and they raised you. I'm sorry but I don't see any other sensible or fair way of doing it. Why on earth should the parents be dictated to by their adult children in their own house? That's absurd and sounds like a sure fire way to make sure that your DC are ill-prepared for the real world.

missnevermind · 18/08/2019 04:00

Adult children will have grown up in that home and will intrinsically know what is allowed and what is overstepping the line. If they choose to stay they can push the boundaries but not change the rules entirely.

Durgasarrow · 18/08/2019 04:21

If two strangers lived together, and one paid bills and the other did not, the person who paid the bills would be known as "the boss." And the boss makes the rules.

PriestessModwena · 18/08/2019 04:37

I admit I think once your DC are working full time, they're walking down the path to adulthood. I also would hope parents keen on rules, have had a situation where each child does various tasks to help around the house.

It makes sense to have a curfew, as some parents are keen to lock up & get the alarm on. At the same time, exhibit flexibility, so if DC is going to be later, as long as they let the adult know. I can't see why them having the odd night out would be a problem.

I also think from leaving school to going to college/uni/work, you're still a parent, you still have some obligations to fulfil. So money management, how it all works with credit, why you should save, why waiting to pay for something with cash is better than a store card, why bills have to be paid on time. Then life skills, so make sure DC can cook, clean and tidy adequately. Think of it as passing on what you've learnt to make life easier.

I did used to think schools should teach life skills, now I've done a u-turn and think it's important to instil certain standards into DC. The idea of going to uni and only being able to cook beans on toast is awful.

It's finding medium ground between doing everything for DC & the opposite of that.

Even with younger children I'd like to think they are guided over ruled. To me 'rules' show a parent who loves the associated power.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/08/2019 06:16

I think it's inappropriate to use the fact your children are living in your home when they are adults as a way to control aspects fo their lives that you wouldn't a lodger (like wanting to be able to veto who they are allowed to have stay in their room or whether they eat their vegetables, for example). But if you wouldn't allow a lodger to have overnight guests or to have pizza delivered at 2 am then you shouldn't feel like you have to allow your adult children to do so either.

Mutual tolerance and respect are what you really need for a good relationship with your adult children. Sometimes children, parents or both are better able to give that mutual tolerance and respect when there's a bit more distance.