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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To disagree with "my house, my rules" for adult children?

129 replies

jennymanara · 18/08/2019 00:50

This is a phrase that gets repeated all the time on MN. Now of course it is fine to lay out some basic rules that anyone should abide with such as you clean up after yourself and you don't trash the place.
But "my house my rules" really means - the person who pays the bills makes the rules. But if your adult children live with you, it is their own home too. And I think it is incredibly disrespectful to think that because you are paying the bills, you should dictate to everyone else who lives there exactly what is okay or not okay in their home.
Surely it is basic respect to your adult children to recognise that they should have a voice in any decision making about house rules?

OP posts:
Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 08:18

What I disagree with is having an adult child in your home who is contributing like a lodger would but then not giving the same rights and power that youd give a lodger in terms of privacy and respect.

CherryPavlova · 18/08/2019 08:22

No, definitely our house and ours rules. They can try to persuade us to adapt the rules, to flex a bit but ultimately it’s for us to decide.
We don’t want anyone arriving home at four in the morning and vomiting on the stairs. If they want to go ‘out, out’ they can do it from their own homes, stay at university or book a travelodge. Luckily there aren’t any clubs near here so not really an issue.

Our rules haven’t generally changed for about a decade. They’re well known and accepted.

LL83 · 18/08/2019 08:25

When people say "my house my rules" it is usually due to adult dc being disrespectful.

I have never heard someone say 'store the shampoo at the left hand side of the shower as it is my house'

Also it is normally said after polite requests/explanations.

FlamedToACrisp · 18/08/2019 08:29

Well done all you smug people who are saying your adult children were well brought up so they know not to behave in ways which are unacceptable! Lucky old you. Ever heard of stepchildren?

And as for giving them the same respect as a lodger - why should I? I wouldn't choose to HAVE a lodger in the house, so the way I would treat a lodger is to give them a month to find somewhere else. And they don't pay anything like as much as a lodger would, so I expect them to contribute in effort as well as money.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 08:34

Because like a lodger, they are a human who is paying their way and they deserve privacy and respect just for being human anyway.

I don't see children as property of their parents and therefore immune to the basic autonomy offered to others.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 18/08/2019 08:38

Well done all you smug people who are saying your adult children were well brought up so they know not to behave in ways which are unacceptable! Lucky old you.
why would you ever put up with an adult behaving in an unacceptable way in your own home? If it's that bad, they can move out!
There must be a problem somewhere if your kids suddenly become unbearable once they are adult.

Ever heard of stepchildren?
then it's more a problem with your partner than the actual stepchildren unfortunately.

sashh · 18/08/2019 08:41

No one is forcing the adult children to live with their parents.

That's not always true, I was being coercively and financially controlled as an adult living 'at home'.

I like the analogy of the lodger PPsaid. That way I might have been able to take a bath without my mother coming in to wash her hands and then leaving the door open when she left.

FlamedToACrisp · 18/08/2019 08:56

why would you ever put up with an adult behaving in an unacceptable way in your own home? If it's that bad, they can move out!

because - unlike a lodger - if I told them to move out and they refused, saying they couldn't afford or find somewhere else to live, I would not call the police to get them out.

And because each one instance of unacceptable behaviour is not enough to kick someone out over, but as a mass of small annoyances/inconveniences, it drives me and DH up the wall.

Would you call the police and have your depressed adult child evicted from your home because you have talked to them respectfully about this for three years and yet again you have had to demand angrily that they have a shower after three weeks of polite requests and reminders? Because in the last resort, I would do that to a lodger - not my problem.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 18/08/2019 09:01

FlamedToACrisp
I am not that patient, and DH even less. I wouldn't put up with anything for 3 years.

I wouldn't tolerate someone not having a shower for more than 2 days either.

Ultimately, not only don't I want to live in hell because of some spoilt brat, more importantly it's doing them a massive disfavour to encourage or just let them wallow and do nothing with their life and feel sorry for themselves. It would also be extremely unfair on my other kids to have an annoying and rude one to the extreme.

We all make different choices in parenting.

Kewlwifee · 18/08/2019 09:03

Why would you remind a lodger to have a shower? If they stink,you kick them out.

FlamedToACrisp · 18/08/2019 09:03

clinical depression, diagnosed and medicated by a doctor = spoilt brat wallowing and feeling sorry for themselves? you are harsher than I am.

MoreFrog · 18/08/2019 09:10

And as for giving them the same respect as a lodger - why should I? I wouldn't choose to HAVE a lodger in the house, so the way I would treat a lodger is to give them a month to find somewhere else

Ditto.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 18/08/2019 09:15

It might be their home but it's not their house.

When DC are living at home they aren't usually making an equal contribution to housework, maintenance etc so they don't have the same stake as the homeowner. Arrangements which acknowledge and respect everybody's needs are obviously best, but in the end it's got to be the homeowners who get the final say, because they can't move out if they don't like the living conditions.

NovemberWitch · 18/08/2019 09:18

I have adult children in their mid/late 20s and a DH in the house, I set the rules and act as mediator on the few occasions that need it. No one seems to have a problem with that, but I have very few and they are all logical, so that might be why.
And yes, if they were hideous, abusive takers, I’d expect them to move out and live life on their own terms, but they really aren’t

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/08/2019 09:22

We had adult dcs living at home for some time, but we never had 'house rules' - it sounds horribly bossy and controlling.

We just took it for granted that they'd behave like well mannered, considerate grown ups, and they did.

NovemberWitch · 18/08/2019 09:28

People are getting very hung up on the phrase.
Perhaps it could just be reframed in a woolly, fluffy way... ‘I have certain expectations of the behaviour of residents in the household’

Sceptre86 · 18/08/2019 09:31

When I lived at home as an adult parents would involve me in discussions with regards to the house eg. New paint colours, considering an extension etc. This made me feel included as it was my home too. However they paid the mortgage and not me so had the final say on things and definitely did have house rules. The house rules applied to all of us and were with regards to respecting each other and the fact that the house was a shared space. I had no problems with it to be honest if I did I would have moved out.

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 18/08/2019 09:32

I wouldn't choose to HAVE a lodger in the house

you chose to have kids!

SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver · 18/08/2019 09:35

clinical depression, diagnosed and medicated by a doctor = spoilt brat wallowing and feeling sorry for themselves? you are harsher than I am.

life is too short to waste your youth feeling sorry for yourself refusing to shower. How it that helping anyone and making you feel better in any way?

I am not harsh, it is known that most people will experience some level of depression in their life, it's all about how you deal with it.

LillithsFamiliar · 18/08/2019 09:37

I think it's important to help foster independence actually. If they want to live differently then they can move out.
I think 'my house, my rules' can be one of the many factors that push DCs into moving out, and I think that's an important life stage. I also think rules can help them to learn about healthy boundaries.

reginafelangee · 18/08/2019 09:38

Do they pay digs money - then they should get a say.

NovemberWitch · 18/08/2019 09:38

Yes Sceptre, our rules apply to all of us.

NovemberWitch · 18/08/2019 09:41

@SeriouslyEnoughAlreadyRantOver, you haven’t got much of a clue about clinical depression.
#haveyoutriedyoga?

MamaGee09 · 18/08/2019 09:43

My house, my rules worked for my mum and works for me, if you don’t like the rules the alternative is to find your own place to live and make up your own rules!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 18/08/2019 09:47

I think I agree with you OP. A year ago I wouldn't have, but things change and having spent 3 months living back with my parents (with adult DS) after DH died, because I couldn't face our family home, I can see where you are coming from. At 40 I found it intolerable to be constantly tidied up after, not being able to find stuff because it had been moved from where I left it, and having differing approaches to housework - I'm quite laid back, my parents not so much.

Now we are home I have thought about how DS might want to live, because it's his home as much as mine, and have chilled out a lot. He's working full time and contributing in terms of cooking, cleaning and laundry, so how he spends his free time and the state of his bedroom is his affair.