To disagree with "my house, my rules" for adult children?

[jennymanara]

This is a phrase that gets repeated all the time on MN. Now of course it is fine to lay out some basic rules that anyone should abide with such as you clean up after yourself and you don't trash the place.
But "my house my rules" really means - the person who pays the bills makes the rules. But if your adult children live with you, it is their own home too. And I think it is incredibly disrespectful to think that because you are paying the bills, you should dictate to everyone else who lives there exactly what is okay or not okay in their home.
Surely it is basic respect to your adult children to recognise that they should have a voice in any decision making about house rules?

I don't really like the saying, 'my house, my rules" but I have certain expectations for all of us that live here that will continue if my children live with us once they are adults. I think they are just normal rules though, nothing exactly harsh. eg. You can stay out til whatever time you like but send a text and let me know if you originally told met our be home at 10pm. That applies to my partner and myself as well.

I do find this strange. I find many parents give very young kids far more say in family decision making than I would. But then give adult children very little say in family decision making.

So I would never give adult children a curfew - wtf.
Basic consideration rules such as be quiet if you come in late, tell each other if you are staying away overnight, clean up your own mess in shared areas - all those make sense.

Late teens, early 20's, not contributing financially etc then yup, my house my rules but those rules should be reasonable. So fine to say no bringing strangers back, esp if there's younger kids, less OK to say you have dinner at 5 and bed by 10.

Returning adults ie divorce, da etc who are contributing financially, should be about mutual respect and understanding.

I moved home from Uni, paid 1/3rd of bills as third adult and still wouldn't have expected to be able to throw a party whenever I wanted, invite strange med around, sit in the living room in my underwear all weekend, not do my own cleaning etc.

I apply it to my mum when she visits. My house, my rules - no, you can;t start boozing, again, at midday day. No, I won;t buy you extra alcohol.

NovemberWitch
you are trying to be goady, but a family member has suffered very badly from clinical depression so I have researched the subject more than I would have liked, and I respect medical opinion that are seeking to help the person suffering, not just give up on them.

Leaving them to feel sorry for themselves and not even showering is the very worst thing you could do.

how do you think people recover if you encourage them to do nothing? Weird attitude, that doesn't work.

If you want to try yoga for yours, why not, that's a positive step.

I never lived in a house share. I never wanted to live in a house share.

I wasn't going to live in one with adult children.

They didn't like the 'rules'? There could be negotiation and often was. And often I accepted their viewpoint. But at the end of the day it was my house.

Now they're in their own homes they run them their way.

Do they pay digs money - then they should get a say.

Why? Lodgers don't.

We have basic consideration rules - big one at the moment is "No DD18 ... it is not acceptable to keep the whole household awake past 3am whilst you argue/weep/wail on the phone with your boyfriend for 4 hours", nor is it all right to not shower, change clothes or tidy up your own mess for 3 days because you are feeling low about said argument.

but what do you do? throw her out? how would that help? she pays for her own phone, does her own laundry.

So we have rules, and because they are "The rules", they are mainly followed - when reminded that these are the rules, if you don't like it you can leave.

@NannyOgg

It depends. Like someone else said,you'd never burst into the bathroom when your lodger is in the shower and wash your hands so you shouldn't do that to your adult daughter.

Or things like inviting a guest to stay and expecting your adult child who pays rent and board to vacate their room and hop into your bed for a week. Real example there.

Or set a curfew. Or lose your shit because they weren't in for tea. Dictate their visitors or friends.

Oh.. you wouldn't bang on a lodgers door because they're late for work OR call their boss and report that they won't get up.

I would bang on a lodgers door if I knew they had slept in and were late for work. Because that is basic consideration for others.
I would not phone the boss of an adult child anyway.

It makes sense to have a curfew, as some parents are keen to lock up & get the alarm on

This was my mother. My curfew was 10.30pm no matter whether I was 17 or 25. Also no lie ins past 8am (slovenly), and no one staying over in the house ever. No wonder I moved out at 18 and never went back (and she couldn’t understand why I might want something different!)

I think the final straw was when I needed to stay out late for work (junior role reporting to directors who were schmoozing clients at an evening thing) She said at 9pm I should just tell the directors that I had to go home as my mum doesn’t sleep well unless the house is locked at 10.30 and the burglar alarm set, and if they didn’t understand they weren’t nice people

I am much more laid back and (hopefully) balanced with my children.

I first mooted the lodger analogy, but I didn't mean it quite that directly because they aren't lodgers, they're family and your relationship with them is different. But they're also grown ups and no longer your responsibility in the same way and it can sometimes be difficult for parents to let go of the control that they had a responsibility to provide when their children were younger.

So the lodger idea is more about thinking about what types of rules are reasonable - are you trying to ensure the environment you're all living in works for everyone (including you)? Or are you trying to exert influence on their life in a way that isn't appropriate now that they're an adult? Thinking about whether a rule would be reasonable for a lodger is just one way to try and sift out the unreasonable rules from the reasonable ones. It wasn't supposed to mean you should just treat them as a lodger.

I think it really depends what you mean by rules.

Fine to make an adult child adhere to rules like how much rent they pay or what share of the chores they do, but I often see people on here who seem to want to impose rules on their adult children that relate to things that are really none of their business - for example, I've seen posts in the past where the parent was expecting kids in their 20s not to stay in bed past a certain time at weekends or were trying to dictate how much they could drink or whether they could take a sick day off work when they had a hangover. Those things don't really relate to the running of the household or have any effect on the parent, so just seems really overly controlling to me.

I think the my house/my rules is more implied than said and probably only comes up when dc does, or wants to do, something that the parent thinks isn't on.

Some ppl seem to have a problem with the word "rules".

The adult kids can move out if they want

It takes a lot to run a house, pay bills, sort out insurance, maintenance etc. Most of the time kids get a good deal.

If the parents charge market rental then I think it’d be fair to have similar rules to a lodger. If they charge no or reduced rent, then I think parent is entitled to have their rules (though they would be sensible to give warning to their children of family visitors etc).

It has to be the house owner's rules because they are the person who has to answer to Police about wild parties or factor if common areas are damaged by the younger residents of the house. This could be the same for the named tenant so not solely about owners. Whatever happens, it won't the be the ADC who are held responsible
I had to stand firm over what was attempted at my house. There was a plan for both adult DC to have partners staying an odd night and building up to becoming residents. I already had two adults who did nothing and contributed nothing. They bullied me a lot. There was no way I was agreeing to two more adults dictating what I do in my house and expecting me to pay for their convenience.
They left and went into homeless accommodation with the partners. In short, my ADC preferred homeless accommodation with their partners to living with me in a decent house. Or did the partners not like being told that I was not going to be a mug so the big punishment was to remove my own ADC.
I didn't know at that time how nice it would be to live alone in my own house and make my own decisions without shouting and swearing and the constant fear of drunken violence.

@ChipsAreLife

I think what you've said here is key. You were raised to have respect for your house and family so you didn't need someone breathing down your neck telling you to pick up after yourself and not to wake everyone up if you come home late, and that it's nice to offer to cook sometimes etc.

It's the people who haven't been raised this way that need these rules. There are countless threads on here of parents being total mugs just running around after their DC and treating them like royalty who don't need to lift a finger, don't need to say please or thank you, throw tantrums like they are little kids, and then get upset that they're spending all day picking up after them and their DC don't appreciate it. I think if you've raised your kids to be entitled lazy brats then you probably do need lots of clear rules. And they will probably get broken a lot and it will cause conflict.

Personally, I wouldn't set many rules for my adult DC as long as they didn't expect me to "parent" them in the way I do now, e.g. providing meals, doing laundry, sorting things out for them, etc. We'll be adults sharing a home at that point.

I hope to move into a tiny place with minimal possessions once the DC are adults, as DH and I don't enjoy home maintenance at all!

Agreed @Toneitdown

I think if it has come to a dictatorial stance then something has gone very wrong in the relationship. In fact I don't even like that stance when it comes to younger children.
I have two young adult children living at home, finding their feet in the adult worlk, University etc.
I have never had to lay down "laws" - this is and always has been their home, they have been treated with respect and they in turn treat us, their parents and their home with respect.
They cook and clean, they are mild mannered, funny and helpful. Are mindful about keeping us informed if staying out late.

I managed to bring mine up to not require 'rules' when they became adults. I so agree with this.

My elederly mother lives with us I don't feel the need to lay down rules for her either- so I can't see the difference.

I think if a parent is having to play the role of dictator then something has gone wrong.

You hear this phrase a lot on MN, because there are a lot of shit, neglectful and abusive parents on MN.

Doesn't make it right, no matter how vociferous they are about it.

The job of a parent is to raise independent, decent adults and to cut the apron strings.

There are many ways in which to do this last stage - sometimes "the rules" start the ball rolling. It is not "neglectful" or "abusive" to help your fledglings fly the nest. It is more so to keep them cosseted at home away from the big wide world.

"they can't afford a place of their own" - why would they want to...?