To disagree with "my house, my rules" for adult children?

[jennymanara]

This is a phrase that gets repeated all the time on MN. Now of course it is fine to lay out some basic rules that anyone should abide with such as you clean up after yourself and you don't trash the place.
But "my house my rules" really means - the person who pays the bills makes the rules. But if your adult children live with you, it is their own home too. And I think it is incredibly disrespectful to think that because you are paying the bills, you should dictate to everyone else who lives there exactly what is okay or not okay in their home.
Surely it is basic respect to your adult children to recognise that they should have a voice in any decision making about house rules?

I am OCD tidy and am quite inflexible about standards in the house. Nevertheless, when my adult children returned after university they were so used to us all having consideration for each other they settled into adult life at home really well. I never dictated what they did in their own rooms or even how tidy they were ( though I insisted on clean bedding and towels every week). We even had the DD’s BF living with us for months while he did an internship and that worked out OK too.

One child moved out, the other is still with us at 30 as property round here is too expensive for one person to afford.

I think that if you instil manners and consideration for others early enough you can avoid conflict.

But it is in the last instance, ‘my house, my rules’ as the child who doesn’t like it can move out.

There should be one house rule “Respect each other”, anything else should be guidance.

And if adult children (we need a word for that in the English language) are making a (financial) contribution to the home, they should have a say.

“My house my rules”? A house belongs to those who live in it.

What are these 'rules'?

I moved home for a bit after uni and never had rules because I was an adult who had been raised to know what was ok within the house.

It depends what the rules are.

Clearing up after themselves, remembering to lock up when they come in late, and no drugs are perfectly reasonable rules.

All within reason, but in general I do agree with my house my rules. I wasn’t allowed to have my (much older bf) over to stay when I was 18. So I moved out to live with his family. It meant I saw less of my mum so I think I’d be more flexible with my own DC.

It's a phrase only jokingly needed to accelerate the apron clingers to move out/ lingering abusive relationship's. No one would use this otherwise? Surely

what sort of rules?
I dont understand what rules there are in a house?
washing up?
watching TV
are these rules?
no eating in the bedroom?

The householder can ultimately ask anyone else to leave, so it does have to be ‘their house, their rules’ in the case of conflicts. That doesn’t mean they have to be an arse about it.

‘House rules’ annoy me more.

No one is forcing the adult children to live with their parents. I don't think parents of adult children should be making it too attractive or comfortable an option - the adult children should be aspiring to get the freedom and independence that will come when they move out. Its not just about who pays the bills (the adult kids should be paying their way) but that this home belongs to the parents and allowing it to be taken over by the next generation would be utterly unfair and unjust so yes the "your house your rules" should still apply.

It comes down to respect, my adult DD knows what I expect and will tolerate and she acts accordingly. Iv never had to use those words. It is my house but it is her home

I agree and disagree. There needs to see some basic rules like sharing chores, not slamming in the front door early hours and waking everyone, not being rude and disrespectful...(can you tell I've seen what happens when adult D.C. is pandered to and as no rules?).

On the other hand, trying to control DCs life choice/friends/partner or having one rule for one dc then other is unfair. My male cousin was always allowed women to sleep over, even random ONS, plus he was laughed with the next day when getting drunk. His sisters were told no bf over at all to stay, even one who was very long term, and if they were tipsy heads were shaken the next day. Different 'rules' very controlling and unfair, aunt/uncle wondered why cousins 1 and 3 (dd) moved out quick and lazy man dc2 is still lounging at home!

I’m another that doesn’t understand house rules.

Depends what the rule is.

So I wouldn’t give my adult dd a curfew. But if she comes home in the early hours I expected to be quiet.

She can choose how she decorates/furnishes her room but not the rest of the House.

If you bring your kids up right you don't need "rules". I've never had any, never referred to such a thing even when she was little. Yes there were bed times, although I never referred to it as a rule,, but my view is uou lead by example, treat your kid with respect. And they grow up doing the same thing,

If you need to put "rules" in place, and your child doesn't know how to behave, then something went wrong in the preceding years.

There needs to see some basic rules like sharing chores, not slamming in the front door early hours and waking everyone, not being rude and disrespectful

I'm sorry but if you need to actually put rules in place to prevent your adult children behaving like this, or even as another poster said they can't decorate the house. Then you failed somewhere in raising them. These things are basic manners and you shouldn't need to have rules to force them to behave right.

It's about respect on both sides. My adult kids have lots of flexibility and they they are fine with the red lines, this approach is fine in my book.

I think it is fair enough for the home owners to make some rules. for example if they dont want strangers staying in their house, they dont want loud music played at all hours, they dont want dirty dishes left all over the kitchen.
Once children turn 18 and are "adults" why does that mean they should suddenly be allowed to do whatever they want and disrespect their parents?

However I think that adult children shouldnt be subject to a curfew or having to tidy their room, as younger children would.

I never had any rules when my adult son lived with me. He's living with his partner now.
But then he was very considerate and helpfull and didn't need to be told to clean up after himself.
I felt it was his home too and he should feel comfortable there. But then he isn't a selfish man child. I guess it depends on how you bring them up.

If you need to put "rules" in place, and your child doesn't know how to behave, then something went wrong in the preceding years.

you are talking about the same thing, you are just choosing not to use the word "rules"

it doesn't matter if it's common sense to you - and your kids - and normal things, they are still "rules".

I disagree with you OP, it might be the kids home, but it's still YOUR house, they are free to get their own - and should eventually. It's the same thing with a tenant, they might make the property their "home", but they can't make any real decision about it.

Your kids don't become your equals as soon as they reach 18, you are still the parent - as such you should still support them, help them out as much as possible. If you can afford it, you should still support them financially, I never understand these posters who refuse on principle to pay a deposit for a house or for their kids weddings. If you have the funds and the kids are not lazy bums, why wouldn't you help them? You chose to have them, you are still responsible for them.

Well if you want to live “by your own rules” then you should move out and I say that as someone who has lived at home with my parents as an adult and with DHs parents.
I wouldn’t expect the rules to be what they were as a teenager though and I did have a conversation with my mum about when I go out I’ll let her know if I’m out overnight but I’m not committing to coming home at certain times then being held to them or having her worry if I didn’t come home on time.

I agree bluntness, the rules should have just been what kids were brought up with however as i stated this is based on '(can you tell I've seen what happens when adult D.C. is pandered to and as no rules?). '

Though i suppose it should be 'when D.C. are pandered to and have had no rules growing up.' In my cousin's case it was certainly that and quite often on here on posts on lazy disrespectful adult dc living in house, there's the same common denominator. The kids aren't given boundries and are pandered too growing up.

We don’t have rules but do have expectations. For example, don’t wake the rest of us up coming home in the middle of the night. Use the washing line not the tumble dryer (because you haven’t bothered to do your washing early enough) unless you’re contributing to the electric costs! It’s also basic courtesy to say if you’re planning to eat at home or elsewhere - otherwise don’t complain if there isn’t a meal saved and clean up what you cook yourself.

Eg my rule is you can come home whenever you want BUT you must take your shoes off in the hall because the stairs are wooden. You must tell me if you are not home for dinner, guests welcome for dinner, a few hours notice required. If you bring a friend back and I'm already in bed you must send a text to me so I know in the morning ... and everyone helps with chores!

I think I'm reasonable

This usually comes up because DCs are untidy and the DM has all the cleaning to do.
It is different if they are sharing the tidying, cooking and lawn mowing.