To disagree with "my house, my rules" for adult children?

[jennymanara]

This is a phrase that gets repeated all the time on MN. Now of course it is fine to lay out some basic rules that anyone should abide with such as you clean up after yourself and you don't trash the place.
But "my house my rules" really means - the person who pays the bills makes the rules. But if your adult children live with you, it is their own home too. And I think it is incredibly disrespectful to think that because you are paying the bills, you should dictate to everyone else who lives there exactly what is okay or not okay in their home.
Surely it is basic respect to your adult children to recognise that they should have a voice in any decision making about house rules?

I hate the phrase.
It seems so pursed-lipped and inhospitable when applied to visitors. It’s a negative outlook.

My Dc have grown up to be relaxed, flexible and respectful of many ways of life. They have been house guests if extended family who are Hindu and Muslim households, for example.

I respect my older teens need to develop their own ways of life and am confident that we can negotiate and adapt with mutual respect. No need for this throwing up if red lines and borders and ultimatums.

They're free to move out if they don't like it

You hear this phrase a lot on MN, because there are a lot of shit, neglectful and abusive parents on MN.

oh how I love that forum, what a classic MN gem

My kids are free to do what they like as long as they keep communal areas relatively tidy still working on putting shoes away and wiping down work surfaces I feel entitled to moan about that.

I find many parents give very young kids far more say in family decision making than I would. But then give adult children very little say in family decision making.

Do you know they are the same parents?

You have a wide range of opinions on MN, hence the huge leave/don't leave baby in car for 5 min, or charge/don't charge adult children living at-home arguments.

I suspect some parents are very lenient with younger children and get a rude awakening when they become adults and continue to behave as if they were still little children. But many may also be so rigid that adult children decide they're too old to be told what to do.
Either way, anyone who wants to live exactly as they want, should get their own home.

I agree with pps that the ideal is to educate the children to live with other people and do their share at home, and any rules should be reasonable and according to age.

My child will know that I'm not very fond of having people around the house, so I hope he'll check with me first if he wants to bring random friends to stay more than a couple of hours. OTOH, he's worse than me, so I'll be very shocked if he does.

Of course ultimately you want your adult children to move away. But this is really about how you negotiate a relationship with your adult children.

my "rules" are no drugs and no violence. I asked by eldest 21 to leave after he repeatedly flouted both 'rules'. Who was being unreasonable?

Have to disagree with you on that, OP. I'm not power mad but my house is my house. And I shall therefore be the one to determine the few rules.

I hate the phrase, whoever it's aimed at, but MN loves it, especially when aimed at visitors.

So I ignore it and frankly I wouldn't give the opinion of any MN who uses it a second thought.

Having rules of no drugs or violence and throwing an adult child out who ignores this, is not the kind of situation I am talking about.

the funny thing is that you are making a rule not to follow the "my house my rules"

You decide how your house is managed and decisions taken, if and how much your children are involved in the process. The same for everyone basically.

So according to some "rules" are set by the earners in the house?
Where does that leave SAHMs? or adults who can't work because of a disability? Do they simply have to shut up and follow the rules?

Thankfully in my family it's not about who has the biggest salary gets the most power. What an awful thought.

In my family respectful behaviour is something that just happens, everyone contributes in any way they can to ensure that we are all happy.
Some of us earn a lot, some vey little for a variety of reasons- but we are all equal.

So according to some "rules" are set by the earners in the house?

no, the parent(s) and that's enough. You don't stop being a parent the day your child earns more than you either. Your children have plenty of friends and equal, only 2 parents at best. It's very lazy to try to walk out from it and become some kind of "mate" or "roommate" to your children.

There is no single answer to this - both my children lived with me post 18 for a bit and returned home after university for a bit. I guess in this situation it was more a natural continuation of the rules that had applied as they were growing up.

Rules when they were 4 were very different to the rules when they were 16.

The rules did not change on the day they turned 18 - but I guess in essence I continued to run the home as I had done before and whilst I asked far less questions about where they were going or how they spent their time - I was still annoyed if they left dirty clothes around etc.

However, 5 years ago my daughter and son-in-law moved back in with me - she was then aged 29 with 2 children. We did it to enable us to share the finances which allowed her to be a SAHM and HE her children and me to semi-retire.

5 years on it still works great - but there is no way in this world or the next it would work if I imposed the my house/my rules line.

She is still my adult child living in my house as she was at 19 but there is no way I would expect my word to be law. I do pay all the bills so this still applies but it would be ridiculous to not allow them a say on anything.

We negotiate everything and of course we moan at each other about small niggles - but it is definitely a two way process.

I think the original question is relating to the 19/20 year olds rather than our situation but everyone's situation is so different I think it is difficult to have an absolute yes or no on this.

I think if you treat other people with respect and dignity it is unlikely you will have too many issues going forward in any way.

One of my adult children live with me and I love having her here. We don't have any rules. I own the house but if I want to make changes (decor etc), I discuss it with her - I value her opinion. Ultimately she always says 'it's your house Mum you must choose what you like', but she also has to live here so I want her to have a say.

There are no rules - we respect and love each other so we treat each other nicely. I wouldn;t dream of telling her when she can come and go, or when to come home. But in fact she always tells me if she is going to be back late or if she is missing a meal out of politeness. And I always tell her what I am up to.

I think once you start referring to rules, it generally means someone is being disrespectful - and then it is probably times to go your separate housing ways. Most 'rules' come under the auspices of what I would deem consideration, politeness and respect. And if your adult child doesn't demonstrate these then you've probably gone wrong somewhere.

But this is really about how you negotiate a relationship with your adult children.

That was not your question, though. It was specifically when they live in your house.
When and if I lived with my parents as an adult, it wouldn't cross my mind to dispose of their house as if it was mine. I wouldn't invite overnight guests or friends to a meal without asking, for example.

I am happy to negotiate any rules but I know that they aren't unreasonable so unlikely to happen. Adult children don't get an equal say and if they don't like it, they are welcome to move out. The person paying the bills can't move out can they?

My rules for Ds (18) are

• if you come home late at night be as quiet as you can. Don't wake the others up.
• you load your stuff in the dishwasher.
• if you make a mess you clean it asap.
• if you want something washed I need as much notice as possible and I reserve the right to say no.
• you do your own ironing.
• you need to tell me if you're having overnight guests so I know not to freak out if I hear strange voices.
• there's no curfew or need to tell me where you are but if the police come looking for you because you've done something bad, I won't be so chillled out.

-no smoking or drug taking in the house.

• you take out any rubbish in your room on bin day.
• turn your stuff off when you leave the house eg fan

Adult DC are not equal partners in their parents' home. Their "right" to live there is subject to the terms of the people who chose it, pay for it, decorate, furnish and repair it.

These responsibilities of respect, consideration and contribution can be called rules if you like because expectations will differ from household to the next, but ultimately the parent-child hierarchy is still valid in that if their adult DC don't fulfil the conditions, the parents reserve the right to boot them out.

There have been a few posts on this thread about parents not bringing up their children properly.
My view is that we can bring our children up with our own standards and being a bit old I was brought up strictly. I was not strict with my DC but tried to show a decent way of life.
Then they became teenagers with raging hormones, followed by love interests which led to babies. My DC took on the views of the partners and decency went out the window!
Parents can try to show a good way of life but it all depends on what the DC chose to follow once they are adults

If my adult children don’t like my rules they can live else elsewhere. Simple. Respectful relationships do not need many rules.

Yabu purely because I would expect my kids when they are adults not to need 'rules' pointed out to them.

But If they were disrespectful, didn't pull their own weight or contribute to bills etc when working then damm right I would set out 'rules' (in other words common decency, consideration and respect all round, not expect me to be their skivvy, not to expect me to pay everything for them if they have thier own money, not abuse me or anyone else in the family out of some sense of entitlement just because they live there) I am not running a free hotel.

Once they are paying for their own house and bills and food then they can do what they like.

I think if it's a major point of contention and no reasonable agreement can be made, the person who pays the bills should win. However arbitrary rules and treating adults like children is not cool in my opinion.

I think YANBU if the adult children are staying in the house on the same terms as the rental. Though I would point out that most people who have lodgers do expect them to observe some boundaries with behaviour.

The issue comes because these 'adults' are actually expecting to have all the perks of being a child - i.e. reduced or no rent and bills - without any of the inconveniences. Why would anyone stay at home, otherwise? Of course power is going to come into it.

Adult children can move out and make their own rules if they want to. While under my roof, you follow my rules period.

I think what the poster wanted to comment on was the use of the phrase " my house, my rules" as an answer to co-living/teen-ager issues.
So I agree, it does not work and doesn't make sense any more. It didn't in the 50s and it is definitely not acceptable now.
I am sure we parents (adults) can communicate in quite a more elaborate and articulate manner can't we?