In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom

[bishp01]

My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?

For humiliating her? Not so much.

Nah, she's done that herself. If she had usually been allowed people to stay over with her then yes. However, the DD knew this wasn't the case, offered her bed up anyway and then hoped her DM would make her room up for them to shag in. All her mum has done is be consistent with house rules.

Well yes it does sound reasonable - good post. Totally see your POV.

You need to have a talk and reiterate your viewpoint while letting her air hers too. Compromise.

A 29 year old living at home, who can’t walk 30 mins to his own house, why can’t he get a cab - is he broke?

Why on earth would you offer to drive this man home?

I think it’s fair enough that you don’t want randoms staying over.

@StarlightLady completely agree with you. I’m really shocked at the viewpoints on this thread and feel really sorry for the daughter. I don’t know anyone who was treated like this in real life when living with their parents in early twenties. My sisters and I certainly weren’t. Our parents were never so involved in our love lives - that’s the part I find odd.

Your house, your rules. You offered to let him sleep on the sofa, you offered to run him home. Your daughter vetoed those suggestions. What can you do? 🤷‍♀️

He’s 29 and his mum picked him up??
Perhaps she needs a good MN talking to.

YANBU

@TatianaLarina he’s not a random. OP says her daughter’s known him for months. And she was happy for him to stay in her house on the sofa?

His mum came and picked him up 😂😂😂😂😂 at 29 😂😂😂😂

I'm with you @bishp01 on your decisions and reasons for making them.

But can't stop laughing at a 29 year old MAN unable to get himself home. For that reason alone your dd should have no more to do with him. His mum coming to pick him up is more embarrassing than you offering to drive him home.

He is a random - they’re not in a relationship. He’s not really interested in her.

I’m on the fence. My parents has no rules at all and I had numerous boys stay over, including in my room, but actually never slept with them until I had a serious boyfriend at 18. I think your daughter would seriously regret this and so do you which is why you are trying to protect her. It’s a hard balance as a parent between being controlling and protecting appropriately. I think 20 is also right at the tipping point. At 22, it would be inappropriate to police her bedroom beyond some basic courtesies of being introduced maybe. But at 6th form it’s being a caring parent.

I don’t know anyone who was treated like this in real life when living with their parents in early twenties

I’m 40. My mother probably wouldn’t even have offered a 30 year old bloke a lift home, far less let him sleep on the sofa. And as for letting him sleep in my room - ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I wouldn’t even have asked.

In that respect, her views were no different to those of my friends parents, so I didn’t feel hard done by.

At 18 my children's love lives become their own and none of my business. I wouldn't be changing sheets for them though!

I can't believe that 30% of voters thought the OP was being unfair. I wouldn't want a stranger-to-me sleeping in my house. Wouldn't want to spend a night on eggshells in case I heard headboard banging against wall. Wouldn't want to run into scantily clad male on the landing in the morning. Would want my daughter to accept when someone isn't interested, and stop being so obliging (that one because I'd probably have done the same at her age, and it's humiliating to remember). Wouldn't want to be arsed changing a bed at pub closing time.

If your issue is that they aren't in a committed relationship,then you are a prude.

I think the issue in your relationship is that she thinks it's okay to ask you to.change her sheets and you think its okay to cock block her.

Boundaries need to be established. She's an adult. You can't stop her making decisions that will lead to.her hurt. Just encourage her to learn from them.

Wow, what age will she be allowed boys to stay over if not nearly 21?! She's an adult!

Easy for people to say move out on the cost of renting or buying is skyhigh?!

I have a young dd so can't really understand yet I guess, but I've always said rather under my roof than someone else's. You don't want to end up pushing her away.

I think she knows that my views are probably the same as other people's parents. And it turns out it wasn't really such an emergency. He had arranged a lift home, then altered it to stay out a bit later. Then she wanted him to stay later and he said he couldn't as he could change the pick up time again - that's when she made the offer for him to stay. But then obviously had to rescind it. I've said to her this morning, that I am sure he would have not been comfortable and wouldn't really have wanted to stay. And I pointed out that the other time this happened, she was relieved that I had said no - and so that I assumed it would be the same again. And that she had already known what the rule was anyway. I think it was a case of just wanting him to stay out longer, so she made the offer for him to stay, hoping that he would stay out and not go home at 10.30. So I think she's mad with me - but probably also mad with herself too and probably a bit embarassed. I'm happy to stay out of the way as much as possible and take my husband out of the way to give her privacy. And it's not controlling her - it's just saying that no matter who it was staying, we would be uncomfortable having her in the next room if it was just a one night stand. So either way - someone is not going to be happy. I will bend as much as possible but surely everyone has a point that they don't go beyond? I want to have a close relationship with DD and want her to be able to confide in me, and don't ever want to discourage that - that's why even when she's telling me something I don't like, I make sure I try not to pass any judgement and just listen. I hope that even when she eventually leaves home she will feel she can always come back and can always tell me anything and have a moan to me about anything. I look forward to the day when she does have her own independence - I think it's easier when you don't always see what's going on! But parents don't need to see and hear everything - and in a tiny house that's a bit difficult..

Simple, do you really think you'd be okay with your daughter bringing home randoms for sex? To your family home? Is that not grim?

I mean, there's a trade-off. If your parents are kind enough to let you live at home as an adult, you don't get to do the ONS thing. Why would anyone want to anyway? Like I go home with some guy I met and then I run into his mum in the bathroom? Shudder.

Spoilsport! Let her have her "friends" or friends or whatever stay over. She's an adult.

My (now 28 and married) daughter had friends of all persuasions staying over from 16. She (with my blessing) was on the pill and had her head screwed on.

I'll have the same attitude when my 5 year old wants people to stay over.

Honestly not a case of saying he can't stop so that they can't have sex. I'm not bothered about that - not trying to block her. I'm just saying that I don't want to be next door when it happens. I honestly don't know any parent that isn't involved in their childrens love lives to some extent. That don't have an interest in who their children are seeing. I don't know if it's different if its a boy? Are some of the opinions from mothers of boys - is it a case of saying well boys will be boys, they have to sow their wild oats etc? I'm not saying that's right - I don't believe in double standards. But out of curiosity, I just wondered if some of the opinions about how she should bring home whoever she wants, was from mums of boys? I also have a boy - a few years younger, so haven't had to think about this situation in terms of him as yet. I'd like to think that I wouldn't have double standards and would apply the same rules to him, but it's interesting to think about it.

I'm really intrigued as to why he couldn't get a taxi at 10pm!

Also if his place is so close-couldn't they both have walked there?

Overall though I think that you did the right thing as if I understand it he's not interested in her & she was desperately trying to get him into bed.

His mum picked him up? An almost 30 year old man had his mum pick him up from the pub? Why couldn’t he walk - you say he lives 5 minutes away!

You did the right thing. She seems desperate to please him and he seems totally uninterested.

Did you pick her up on the request to change her bed and tidy her room?

Does she work? Just out of interest wondering what she does for a living.

At 20, she may legally be an adult. However, they don’t stop being ‘your child’ when they turn 18, and many twenty year old still need guidance and support, even though that are now officially adults.

You did the right thing.

No I don't treat female children like the property of parents. This idea that you protect your female children more than your male ones when it comes from sex is because back in the day,your daughter would lose her value if she wasn't a virgin. You know how a new car depreciates as soon as you drive it away? That's what parents were trying to stop happening so their daughter remained the valuable commodity female brides were in those times.

Your daughter is an adult. Let her decide when it is time for intimacy. If you don't want her fucking next door to you,make it clear that partners staying over is against house rules regardless of their depth of their relationship.

You can just as easily get buggered by a loving long term boyfriend and you can a Fuck Buddy. It is better to hear her moans of delight if it from sex with a boyfriend or equally as awkward?

If your issue is that they aren't in a committed relationship,then you are a prude.

My daughters have been that age, and I'd have far rathered they had casual sex than hung around desperately trying to orchestrate an opportunity for sex with someone who clearly wasn't interested. That does terrible things to one's self-esteem :(