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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to visit my family three times a year

165 replies

Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 09:32

My husband never wants to visit my family who live two hours away. It’s not that they fight or there is tension rather my husband wants to spend his free time relaxing from his stressful job.

Husband works alternative weekends and feels his weekends off are precious. I get that he has less weekends off than most but when he works during the weekend he does get days off in the week.

He has been to my hometown once this year ( and complained the whole drive) I regularly go home without him and take DC with me so he gets lovely solo weekends to sleep/ eat take away /watch football without distraction.

I’m not asking for much just once every 3-4 month visit my family. I feel like I am beyond reasonable in my requests and his expectation that weekends are for his relaxation is crap. Everyone does things they don’t like on the weekend including visiting family

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 17/08/2019 09:33

Yes he needs to show his face every few visits. He needs to do it for you.

BlueJava · 17/08/2019 09:34

I always appreciate it when my DP visits my parents with me, but I don't ask for it. My DP is going to visit his mum this weekend with our 2 DS, but I'm not going (couple of hours drive) - just because I've had a hugely busy week, I fly on business on Monday for the week and I need some time to do housework! I think you just have to have understanding.

bunslinger · 17/08/2019 09:34

Why do you want him to visit them?

SnuggyBuggy · 17/08/2019 09:36

Id try to go for a twice a year compromise. Also could they visit you?

MIdgebabe · 17/08/2019 09:36

Leave the kids sometimes? But no he married you not your family

Trumpleton · 17/08/2019 09:38

Once every few months is not asking a lot. Supports you and is nice for children to be with all family together! When do you get a lovely child free weekend to do what you please ?! Seems very unequal and somewhat selfish to refuse you, especially if your family are perfectly nice!!

isabellerossignol · 17/08/2019 09:39

I think it's not an unreasonable request. It would be different if there was some background of them treating him terribly.

M0RVEN · 17/08/2019 09:41

How often do you spend the weekend visiting his family ?

happytoday73 · 17/08/2019 09:41

Do you mainly go to your family on the weekends he is working? If not I'd swap to that rather than keep getting free weekends because he doesn't want to go.

You don't mention his family and how often they are visited.....
Some people just don't seem to bother with relatives.. There own never mind others and if that's the case this is going to be a ongoing issue.

doyoureallylikeit · 17/08/2019 09:46

Sorry I'm with your husband on this. Leave him behind and go by yourself. If you want him to be with your family, invite them to you. He probably would resent you making him go, spend all weekend with a face like a wet weekend and ruin your weekend as well!

Original poster
Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 09:47

DH doesn’t want mine or his relatives to visit us and he hates going to visit his side of the family as well. His ideal weekend is to potter about the house with just the three of us. Our lack of socialisation is spirit crushing

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 17/08/2019 09:48

YANBU, 3 visits in a year isn't that much really.

Figgygal · 17/08/2019 09:48

He sounds joyful

Ilovetolurk · 17/08/2019 09:49

YANBU

gerritez · 17/08/2019 09:54

Tbh I wouldn’t be bothered. I really don’t enjoy visiting dh family so he tends to go alone (unless it’s a special occasion) and I tend to go to mine alone!

It works for us as neither expect the other to be thrilled at the prospect of a weekend with the in-laws. The way I see it everyone is a winner this way.

We both get some child free time, both get to visit our families and both sets of grandparents get time with the kids Smile

Original poster
Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 09:57

doyoureallylikeit. But this year has not attended: my mum’s birthday lunch, my sister’s house warming or my nephew’s birthday. I have attended these events in my hometown without him just with DC. I’m asking him to come to family events and he refuses. Don’t you think he has a family/ social obligation to attend events even if he resents it

OP posts:
adaline · 17/08/2019 09:59

I wouldn't want to go to my sister in laws house warming either, to be fair!

I would say to him if he doesn't want to go with you, that's fine, but he can look after DC instead so you get a weekend off.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/08/2019 09:59

I see his point to some extent, some people do also need some down time and find travelling exhausting. I also get how weekends can feel quite precious when you work some of them.

It sounds like the two of you have different needs when it comes to social life and down time.

PlinkPlink · 17/08/2019 09:59

My ex used to do this. It isolated me. Massively. We only loved an hour away from my mum but for him it was a massive chore. Even me borrowing the car to go and visit them was a pain in the arse and would result in him whingeing and dictating what time to come back.

It is hugely unfair that you do not get to see them and he needs to recognise the fact that when he married you or got into a relationship with you that family comes with you. And family relationships are just as important as your own insular family unit.

EskewedBeef · 17/08/2019 10:00

Had he always been unsociable? Does he have friends locally?

ChrisPrattsFace · 17/08/2019 10:00

My dh is the same, he does Christmas and at a push I’ll get home to come over around June.
On the other hand we have to see his entire family (mum/separated dad/grandparents and sister) Atleast once a month and usually more.
Only thorn in our relationship - we feel the same but family make it difficult.

I would take the occasional visits but express how you want him to go more? Can’t force him I guess.

adaline · 17/08/2019 10:00

And no, I don't think he's under any obligation to attend your sisters' housewarming at all.

Cucuclown99999 · 17/08/2019 10:02

What an utterly selfish man.

Original poster
Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 10:03

EskewedBeef Yes. He enjoys spending time with me and DC and that’s all he needs

OP posts:
toadabode · 17/08/2019 10:04

You're not being unreasonable. I can't imagine my partner not wanting to visit my family. We love it and have nice chilled weekends with them and our DS. It all sounds very odd OP - do you think your marriage is in trouble?