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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to visit my family three times a year

165 replies

Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 09:32

My husband never wants to visit my family who live two hours away. It’s not that they fight or there is tension rather my husband wants to spend his free time relaxing from his stressful job.

Husband works alternative weekends and feels his weekends off are precious. I get that he has less weekends off than most but when he works during the weekend he does get days off in the week.

He has been to my hometown once this year ( and complained the whole drive) I regularly go home without him and take DC with me so he gets lovely solo weekends to sleep/ eat take away /watch football without distraction.

I’m not asking for much just once every 3-4 month visit my family. I feel like I am beyond reasonable in my requests and his expectation that weekends are for his relaxation is crap. Everyone does things they don’t like on the weekend including visiting family

OP posts:
adaline · 17/08/2019 10:04

I think our of those events the only one he should probably have attended is your mums birthday. But I don't think he should feel obligated to.

But then my family isn't particularly close so I'm not used to attending family events and parties.

MulticolourMophead · 17/08/2019 10:04

I had an ex much like this. And our families live (or lived) in the same town! I eventually found it suffocating, as he only wanted to socialise with me and the DC, he hated having visitors, and if he was off at the same time as me, he wanted to monopolise my time. One of many reasons he's an ex.

Original poster
Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 10:15

toadabode. Marriage is not in trouble. Husband has always been like this. Just feeling flat about the situation at the moment

OP posts:
Rebssss · 17/08/2019 10:24

Depends, I don’t like having to make the effort to drive an hour away to dps family for them to see our daughter, but this is only because they can never be arsed making the effort to come and see us. If they made the effort from time to time I would be more than happy to

isabellerossignol · 17/08/2019 10:30

I think when you have children, and assuming we are talking about two ordinary families with no major 'issues' that it's nice for them to see family as family, not as 'mum's family' and 'dad's family'.

They don't have to be best mates and they don't have to live in each other's pockets but visiting as a complete family a couple of times a year shouldn't be beyond anyone.

I remember as a teenager talking to a friend about potential future boyfriends etc and saying I found it hard to imagine the sort of boys I found attractive wanting to come for dinner at my parents house. And she said to me 'why would you want a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your family?' She was only about 16 at the time and even as a middle aged person I look back and am amazed by how wise her advice was.

user1493413286 · 17/08/2019 10:32

You’ve described my DH exactly; I asked him to go next month and he was moaning then I realised that he hasn’t been there since Christmas. I’ve said 2-3 times a year isn’t much to ask of him.

Original poster
Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 11:02

It’s really tough when your husband hates socialising- I either beg/ demand he comes. Go solo ( again) or just stay home bored out of my skull. This weekend is a bored out of my skull weekend Sad

OP posts:
PettyContractor · 17/08/2019 11:07

Why do you want him there? What is the specific pleasure/benefit you get out of it that offsets/justifies the misery you are putting him through?

Iggly · 17/08/2019 11:09

You just have to go without him and explain how you feel about it.

You can’t change him only yourself.

PettyContractor · 17/08/2019 11:12

Maybe it can't be explained. I can't think of any outing that would be a better experience for me as a result of dragging along someone who didn't want to be there.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/08/2019 11:18

If he doesn't like socialising would it be better if he came with you when it is just your parents and not a party or family gathering?

Do you socialise with friends or go places at the weekends when you are at home?

How do you manage visits to his family if he isn't keen?

How old are your DC, do they do activities during the weekend?

goodwinter · 17/08/2019 11:21

What is the specific pleasure/benefit you get out of it that offsets/justifies the misery you are putting him through?

That's a bit dramatic! I'm an unsociable introvert too, but I manage to visit and host my partner's parents every so often because they're family, and I love my partner and want him to be happy. He does the same for me, even though we'd both probably prefer to be doing nothing on our days off.

JuniLoolaPalooza · 17/08/2019 11:22

It sounds like there's a wider issue around feeling isolated as he is so anti social. My partner doesn't socialise particularly with friends but I'm happy to go out without him and leave the kids at home.

I hate seeing his family, it's a five hour drive and it's boring as fuck, they don't talk to me, we don't do anything. I hate it. So I don't go. But he acknowledges this and as they don't do any celebrations or anything like that it's a different situation. Does he mind if you go out with friends ad leave the kids with him? That's beginning to look a bit controlling.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/08/2019 11:36

I either beg/ demand he comes. Go solo ( again) or just stay home bored out of my skull.

Or go and do something? You're different people. He's happier at home with his family, you're happier keeping busy and being social. Go and do something, avoid being bored. Come home to him later and spend time with him.

You're choosing to be bored. It's a shame he isn't sociable, or at least as sociable as you. Im guessing this used to be acceptable for you if you're married and he hasn't changed. Have you? How do you foresee this moving forward?

Horehound · 17/08/2019 11:41

It does sound boring and he does sound a but selfish.
I would feel embarrassed if my husband never showed up to stuff with me.
Yanbu op.

Actually my aunt and uncle were like this, my uncle (married into the family) never came to stuff and my aunt was always making excuses for him. They just divorced and she is a million times happier.

CendrillonSings · 17/08/2019 11:45

He enjoys spending time with me and DC and that’s all he needs

It’s almost as if he thought he was marrying you, not your entire family...

QualCheckBot · 17/08/2019 11:46

YABU. He's not an extended family person. He finds it boring. Why should someone spend so much time doing something they don't enjoy doing? The events you mention my mum’s birthday lunch, my sister’s house warming or my nephew’s birthday are not ones I would expect to go out of my way to attend unless it was for instance a "special" birthday, like a 60th. Spending a whole weekend attending someone else's nephew's birthday really is rather a waste of time if you have hobbies, or friends, or just want to relax after a busy week at work.

Original poster
Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 11:48

Husband is so anti social that it does impact on my ability to socialise. . He is more than happy to look after DC while I go out. I guess I would just like to go out with other couples, have friends over or spend the occasional weekends visiting family

OP posts:
Horehound · 17/08/2019 11:51

I don't understand the responses you're getting OP. It's entirely normal to want to socialise together and see other people

Dinner parties, going out, visiting friends and family...who wants to do that on your own all the time?

MissMoiselle · 17/08/2019 11:54

I sympathise with your DH, OP. Personally, I think you marry a person and not their family. We've had similar issues and we both realised that one of us enjoys spending time with family, and the other just prefers to spend quality time with DP/DC or even by themselves. If he's always been like that then maybe YAB a little U?

Original poster
Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 11:57

QualCheckBot Husband has 24 weekends off a year. I am asking him to spend JUST THREE of them with my family. I could probably list 50 things I do as a partner in this relationship that I find boring but I do it because that’s part of being married.

OP posts:
QualCheckBot · 17/08/2019 12:01

QualCheckBot Husband has 24 weekends off a year. I am asking him to spend JUST THREE of them with my family. I could probably list 50 things I do as a partner in this relationship that I find boring but I do it because that’s part of being married.

If my DH added up my weekends available and told me he expected me to spend 3 of them with his family, I'd be consulting a divorce solicitor.

I have friends I want to spend my weekends, places to visit, hobbies to do, fun to have. Going to someone else's nephew's birthday party is not something that would trump any of that. My social circle is a lot wider than immediate family.

Presumably you didn't realise he was such a homebody when you married him? Is the trying to get him to visit your family in place of doing other things together or with friends?

CendrillonSings · 17/08/2019 12:01

Relaxing and doing what you want on the weekend vs. spending hours bored in the car to be further bored at your destination then bored on the way back.

It’s a tough one, all right!

isabellerossignol · 17/08/2019 12:08

I'm not terribly sociable either and my husband is even less so. But isn't everything about compromise? It would be different if OP was wanting her husband to spend every weekend with her family. But two or three times a year?

Don't we all do things sometimes that aren't our ideal way to pass the time, but we do it for other people? I'm going to a wedding party later that I would love to just be able to skip but I don't want to hurt the couple's feelings so I'll go.

Babyg1995 · 17/08/2019 12:11

I'm with your dh on this I really dont enjoy visiting family it's not that I dont like or love them I just don't like it I end up feeling agitated and can't wait to get home go by yourself and enjoy it.

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