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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to visit my family three times a year

165 replies

Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 09:32

My husband never wants to visit my family who live two hours away. It’s not that they fight or there is tension rather my husband wants to spend his free time relaxing from his stressful job.

Husband works alternative weekends and feels his weekends off are precious. I get that he has less weekends off than most but when he works during the weekend he does get days off in the week.

He has been to my hometown once this year ( and complained the whole drive) I regularly go home without him and take DC with me so he gets lovely solo weekends to sleep/ eat take away /watch football without distraction.

I’m not asking for much just once every 3-4 month visit my family. I feel like I am beyond reasonable in my requests and his expectation that weekends are for his relaxation is crap. Everyone does things they don’t like on the weekend including visiting family

OP posts:
DaWeasleyWae · 17/08/2019 12:14

Honestly, I don't think he's under any obligation to go to any of your family events.. He married you, not them-afterall.. Also, if he doesn't go visit his own family, why would you expect him to be different for yours?

I get that it would be nice for him to show his face every now and then.. But he shouldn't HAVE to.. I wouldnt expect it from my dc xx

AngelasAshes · 17/08/2019 12:16

He sounds like an introvert to me. I’d respect that and not force him to visit your family. I think it is great that he supports you and DC going without him.
Only having half the weekends is a HUGE difference. You can’t know unless you’ve lived it. I had two years straight where I had ZERO weekends off and only had a half day off on Mondays.

RedskyLastNight · 17/08/2019 12:20

I have a DH who is anti-social as well. I simply mostly socialise on my own. I can't imagine why I would make him come to family events that he didn't want to come to? We've compromised that he sees my fmaily at Christamas or if it's something like a big birthday/anniversary/wedding but otherwise he's free to do his own thing. I enjoy the things much more myself if he's not there anyway - rather than knowing he's come under sufferance.

Original poster
Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 12:33

Horehound Thanks for your response. It’s exactly how I feel. I’m just over doing all the socialisation by myself. I do understand what other posters are saying and I don’t ask him to come the majority of the time but sometimes it would be nice if he wold come to help with the drive or so we just do something/ anything different as a family rather than just hang out at home.

OP posts:
doyoureallylikeit · 17/08/2019 12:34

Yes your mums birthday lunch. Is it not an option to attend that and come home after rather than spend the whole weekend there. My weekends are precious to me. I work hard in the week and some weekends as well. My weekends tend to be lie in's, slobbing about or pottering round. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that at my in laws.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 17/08/2019 12:39

What about holidays? Do you all have those together?

Witchinaditch · 17/08/2019 12:42

Start leaving the DC at home with him when you go

applesandacorns · 17/08/2019 12:43

I'm an introvert / homebody / anti-social but I go and stay long weekends with my partner's family because I like them (and they live 6 hours away!). If I didn't, I'd just stay home. I'm with your husband on this one, but you're going to get a lot of mixed responses on this thread because some people don't understand how introverted people function.

BertrandRussell · 17/08/2019 12:44

OP- I haven’t read the thread, but i’m guessing people are telling you that you’re being unreasonable. You’re not- unless your parents are vile to your dp or massive racist homophobes or something. You are making a perfectly reasonable request and he is being a dick.

Cloudyyy · 17/08/2019 12:44

My DH only comes back once a year to my family! The rest of the time I go with the DC and he gets stuff done here. To be honest it’s nice because I catch up with my family and the DC play with cousins. When he comes for his annual visit, we can’t talk about all the old people we used to know and old stories etc as much - we could do but it wouldn’t really include him I suppose!!

LaDrem · 17/08/2019 12:50

Our lack of socialisation is spirit crushing

You need to come to an agreement then. He doesn't need to visit them every time you do. 4hour round trip is not something I ever want to do and I find family things tedious.

Special occasion are different though, special party's or meals for birthdays should be attended. House warming parties...nah.

I also massively value my free time and a drive like that to see in-laws would have me dreading it too. Difference is, I would suck it up and go to the things that matter with good grace and that's what he needs to do. But you need to be happy to go alone too.

Butterymuffin · 17/08/2019 12:52

I don't think he should get to veto them coming to stay with you. Plenty of threads on here saying that posters ought to put up with their in laws staying, visiting etc because it's their partner's house too and his family. So the same goes for you. Invite yours to stay and tell him he can stay home with your son in the evening while you go out with your family. If he doesn't want to spend time with them, he can retreat to the bedroom or go out somewhere himself.

Jsmith99 · 17/08/2019 12:55

He sounds like a very introverted person who finds interacting with people exhausting and needs his downtime. I sympathise, because I’m the same. Generally, by. 5-30pm on a Friday I am completely ‘peopled out’ and I need some time alone or with DP to chill. Socialising would be a complete non-starter.

I can understand your perspective, OP, but I think you need to try a bit harder to understand his.

pennypineapple · 17/08/2019 12:57

YANBU, three times a year is nothing.

My DH sounds a bit like yours and he doesn't always come to visit my family when I go (with DC) but he'll come for parties/birthdays etc which feels like a good compromise.

adaline · 17/08/2019 13:08

I think a good compromise would be going to the big events (like your mums birthday) but not staying overnight.

I wouldn't feel comfortable sleeping over at my in-laws house - I'm much, much happier in my own bed - then I can get up late, have breakfast in my pyjamas and eat toast in bed without worrying about the crumbs!

I wouldn't want to spend my weekends off sleeping over at someone else's house.

Sceptre86 · 17/08/2019 13:09

He sounds antisocial. I work Saturday mornings and often pop in on my in laws after work for a few hours. I would rather be relaxing at home but it is important to my dh that we visit as a family at least a 2x a month. He pops in more regularly. I try to have them over to ours at least once a month for dinner. My dh comes with me to see my parents every few months for a few days, they live 4 hours away and we stay over. Family is important and even if tired, stressed or working we try to support each other. Sometimes you just take one for the team.

I enjoy spending time with my little family above all else but it doesn't mean that you can't have wider family relations too. Just means you have to manage your time better. I would speak to him again and explain that you find his behaviour unsupportive and hurtful.

ChicCroissant · 17/08/2019 13:19

I think you need to focus on socialising other than with your family OP, because of those situations you mentioned I'd agree with PP that only your mum's birthday was worth a four-hour round trip for!

What do you do the rest of the time - do you go out with your own friends during the week or meet up with them at weekends?

I can also see your DH's point about the weekends because although he gets days off in the week I assume the rest of the family are at work/school then so he won't see as much of them as he would at the weekend. However I don't think a few visits a year to your family are asking too much.

BertrandRussell · 17/08/2019 13:20

“YABU. He's not an extended family person. He finds it boring. Why should someone spend so much time doing something they don't enjoy doing?”

What, 3 weekends? Bloody hell.....

Drum2018 · 17/08/2019 13:25

YABU. Your husband married you, it doesn't automatically make him obligated to visit your family. You are free to visit them so just go when you want. I would hate my Dh to expect that I would have to visit his family. And I'd never expect Dh to visit mine. I go with kids when I'm free to visit them. Eldest Ds doesn't come - should he be expected to go too? Leave your Dh alone. It's up to him if he wants to go or not.

Squirrelblanket · 17/08/2019 13:26

It's a shame for you because you would like to do more socialising as a couple and he doesn't. Was he the same when you first met?

But on the whole I am on his side I'm afraid. He married you, not your family and he has no obligation to visit them really. It would be nice if he wanted to, but he doesn't. My husband and I feel the same about our respective families so we'll often see them separately to make better use of our time off together.

MatildaTheCat · 17/08/2019 13:28

YANBU because he won’t put himself out in order to make you happy just a few times a year. His need to ‘chill’ 🤮 trumps any of your needs to socialise as a couple.

Talk to him seriously and explain that you NEED more. Would he agree to some compromises? Say have most of Saturday free then drive up late afternoon and return after Sunday lunch? Go out together as a couple to the cinema or for a meal? Go for a family day out somewhere?

Staying home all the time is totally boring and if it’s making you unhappy then he needs to flex a little. Why should you make all the sacrifices?

53rdWay · 17/08/2019 13:30

YANBU. Three visits a year is really not much to ask.

TheKitchenWitch · 17/08/2019 13:39

I think YABU. Once a year eg Christmas is more than enough. How can it possibly be fun for you and the kids to have him with you if he doesn't want to be there? Surely it's better to go on your own and have a good time? Some people are into the whole family visiting thing and some aren't, both of which are fine.

Also, OP, if you are "bored out of your skull" this weekend, then that is your own fault. Arrange to do stuff that you want to do (with or without the kids). Surely the only option isn't visiting your family (with or without DH)?

Choice4567 · 17/08/2019 13:44

@Drum2018 but what do your families say about the other one not visiting? I can’t imagine not ever visiting my in laws. They would find me very rude. If there was a lunch for my mother in law she would be very offended if I didn’t go

littleblueorchid · 17/08/2019 14:11

I don't think he should obliged to see your family. No, I think YABU. He married you not your family. Visit your family whilst he works and spend his bit of free time it's him and your DC. I'd hate to be forced into seeing in-laws. We moved hours from my family due to DH job but I still don't insist he comes with me to see them. I just go whilst he's at work.