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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to visit my family three times a year

165 replies

Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 09:32

My husband never wants to visit my family who live two hours away. It’s not that they fight or there is tension rather my husband wants to spend his free time relaxing from his stressful job.

Husband works alternative weekends and feels his weekends off are precious. I get that he has less weekends off than most but when he works during the weekend he does get days off in the week.

He has been to my hometown once this year ( and complained the whole drive) I regularly go home without him and take DC with me so he gets lovely solo weekends to sleep/ eat take away /watch football without distraction.

I’m not asking for much just once every 3-4 month visit my family. I feel like I am beyond reasonable in my requests and his expectation that weekends are for his relaxation is crap. Everyone does things they don’t like on the weekend including visiting family

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 18/08/2019 07:42

I can relate to what Trillis says as my parents are like this. As a teen I rarely saw them socialise and it was bad for me. There were social skills I wasn't able to develop (didn't have a clue how to make friends as an adult), attitudes I didn't pick up (I was really self-centered and inconsiderate of the neighbors because 'it's not like we know them'). I think there were a few points in my teens when they realised this and tried to put me right but what would have worked much better was being able to see them model this.

Would the argument that it's bad for your DC be more likely to convince him?

vivaldisboots · 18/08/2019 07:48

@Londonlassy just have your family over to you. Your dh can’t control who you invited into your home. If he doesn’t want to see them then he can make arrangements with good warning.
I get you my dh is exactly the same. Just rather stay at home and potter about. When we met I suppose I was dragging him out to places but after dc it stopped us just being able to go out whenever as still have young dc so I started to notice more and more. Unfortunately I do think it’s not him that has to change because to be fair he has never changed it was a choice to marry someone like this.
Definitely invite them over and just get on with it. My family figured out early on he just didn’t want to see them and sure it didn’t go down so well but that’s that.

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2019 08:20

“@Londonlassy just have your family over to you”

He won’t have that either. The poor put upon soul.

vivaldisboots · 18/08/2019 08:49

@BertrandRussell yes I know but I meant just bloody well get on with it

SnuggyBuggy · 18/08/2019 08:58

I'd be tempted just to tell him that you don't have to do anything but family are coming on x date.

BertrandRussell · 18/08/2019 09:09

“BertrandRussell yes I know but I meant just bloody well get on with it wink”

Can you imagine the thread?
“Poor, poor man- having his home invaded on one of his precious 26 weekends by people he hardly knows........

isabellerossignol · 18/08/2019 09:13

My in laws are a bit like this. It's always been a huge deal to visit anyone, they always made an incredible song and dance about how they didn't like socialising.

Now they are almost 80 years old and one is very frail. And now they're incredibly put out that no one wants to visit them. They're fading away because all they do from they get up in the morning until they go to bed at night is sit there. They have little mental stimulation or physical stimulation. And they're lonely and depressed and anxious. When things were no longer on their terms it turned out they weren't as self sufficient as they thought.

MidweekObscurity · 18/08/2019 09:29

It sounds if the OP arranged for her family to visit, he'd be whining constantly on the run up to it. And no one would fall down in shock if he were suddenly needed in work.

Choice4567 · 18/08/2019 10:56

@Drum2018 but how would that work with children? Would if my DD announced she didn’t want to see grandma any more because going there was boring and she had better things to do with her weekend. MIL would express upset that she never sees her granddaughter and you’d say that her emotions aren’t your daughters responsibility so tough?

StoppinBy · 18/08/2019 11:03

I don't particularly like my FIL very much, to the point that I would rather spend three hours in a room with 30 2 year old than visit my PIL because of him BUT I do it because they are my husband's family and he loves them both.

Your husband is being unfair, particularly over special occasions. If I were you I would start leaving the children with him a bit more though so you can also get some sleep ins and responsibility free time.

Butterymuffin · 18/08/2019 11:04

I'd be tempted just to tell him that you don't have to do anything but family are coming on x date.

This. I don't see why he gets to refuse to visit them but also refuse to allow them to come to OP's home.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/08/2019 13:52

And if he sits there with a face like a smacked arse ignore it

Original poster

Londonlassy · 19/08/2019 05:41

Thanks everyone for your responses. It’s time for me to step-up and have a conversation with my husband that he may not want to hear but he is going to hear. Your feedback has really helped.

OP posts:

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 19/08/2019 06:15

It’s all about him & his wants isn’t it? Reading between the lines it’s not just about visiting family either?

Marriage is a compromise but he refuses to compromise for you at all. It’s you who is making all the compromises. He’s incredibly selfish. You will grow to resent him. You are correct to have the conversation with him. He’s crushing your spirit.

Go find someone who loves you enough to do things for you & not just for themselves.

messolini9 · 19/08/2019 07:59

Nonsense.

DH isn’t being ‘controlling’ at all. He isn’t stopping or preventing OP from doing anything. Quite the opposite, in fact. He is encouraging OP to do things without him while he gets the downtime he needs. If anyone is being ‘controlling’ here, it’s OP.

@Jsmith99 - erm, I hope you understand that coercive control isn't necessarily being committed by the more active partner? Also, that a common feature is a reluctance for the controller to socialise outside the home or allow people to visit, reducing contact with & eventually isolating the controlled partner from their friends & family?

Your "nonsense" made me laugh tho' - not sure where that came from as the post you quoted it from clearly stated that I - just like you - didn't reckon the DH is coercively controlling OP.

His inability to compromise is concerning & depressing though, as is his refusal to "allow" OP's family to visit, & his total lack of concern for her bored-to-tears weekends. At home. Again. With no plans to go out as a family. Because DH doesn't want to - ever - & his wife's feelings can go to hell ...

Living with a selfish arse is exhausting. A partner doesn't have to be actively coercively controlling to make someone's home life miserable - just close-minded, unwilling to compromise, & uncaring.

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