Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To expect my husband to visit my family three times a year

165 replies

Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 09:32

My husband never wants to visit my family who live two hours away. It’s not that they fight or there is tension rather my husband wants to spend his free time relaxing from his stressful job.

Husband works alternative weekends and feels his weekends off are precious. I get that he has less weekends off than most but when he works during the weekend he does get days off in the week.

He has been to my hometown once this year ( and complained the whole drive) I regularly go home without him and take DC with me so he gets lovely solo weekends to sleep/ eat take away /watch football without distraction.

I’m not asking for much just once every 3-4 month visit my family. I feel like I am beyond reasonable in my requests and his expectation that weekends are for his relaxation is crap. Everyone does things they don’t like on the weekend including visiting family

OP posts:

littleblueorchid · 17/08/2019 14:15

And surely it's better to be bored in your own home than being bored shitless at your in-laws? You'll always have a nicer, more relaxed time with your parents without him there if he doesn't want to be there. I know I've been there and now always choose to go by myself. It works and we're both happy me I don't have to put up with his family either!

Smelborp · 17/08/2019 14:31

I get people saying you can’t force him, but this would make me depressed too.

GiveMeHope103 · 17/08/2019 14:35

I'm with your dh on this. He already has precious limited weekends, why would he spend it doing something he hates - socializing. Your mums birthday is her own affair, your dh doesnt need to be there. Maybe he is introverted- but you knew this when you married him. Both my dh and I are introverted and keep socializing to a necessary minimum- its just the way we are. We do have a small but very strong circle of friends- we just dont need to be in each others pockets to keep that up.

Original poster

Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 14:47

I guess because my husband is introverted I thought asking him to see my family only three times a year was reasonable. I am in a book club/ movie club and exercise group which I do independently. So I don’t expect him to meet my social needs.

OP posts:

TheKitchenWitch · 17/08/2019 14:50

But why do you want him to come to visit your family? I don’t get it.

Nonnymum · 17/08/2019 14:51

You are not being unreasonable. He sounds quite self centred to be honest. Is he more flexible, accommodating about other things? Is he generally quite anti social?

daisypond · 17/08/2019 14:52

I think three times a year I’d too much to expect your DP to do.

daisypond · 17/08/2019 14:53

Sorry , is too much.

pennypineapple · 17/08/2019 14:53

For the record, I'm introverted and like weekends at home and still think he's being unreasonable!

GiveMeHope103 · 17/08/2019 14:58

Honestly op I think he is introverted which may come across as antisocial. Especially when he says the kids and you are enough. I feel exactly the same as him and my introverted dh is the same! I wouldnt make a trip for an il birthday unless it was a major milestone one. In the same way, I dont expect anyone to pitch up to mine except for DH and DC.
He isnt stopping you, and he is happy to keep the kids as well. But I do understand how you would like to do some things as a couple.

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 15:01

Wrong question:
Why do you want him there? What is the specific pleasure/benefit you get out of it that offsets/justifies the misery you are putting him through?
The question is - why is DH so resistant & selfish in refusing to offset/justify the misery OP is going through in being denied any other social outlet than her 3-person nuclear family?

Not convinced DH's behaviour is deliberately controlling, but his refusal to even entertain family at home, & reluctance to attend ANY social event, is effectually isolating OP. And when she does get to visit her family, she may as well be a single parent.

So she has ended up feeling either suffocated because she is DH's sole resource, or neglected because he cba to support her. 3 feckin times a year!

messolini9 · 17/08/2019 15:04

Only having half the weekends is a HUGE difference

Not so huge when you also have 2 days off in the week to replace every working weekends.

MrHaroldFry · 17/08/2019 15:14

You have no control over him or his choices. You can try to influence him but reading your Post I think he had pretty much made himself clear.

He might really need that downtime away from people, noise, chatter. It may not be a slight against you or your family. I remember once being told to look after myself by a Doc once who said 'you can't drink from an empty glass'. Perhaps your husband is utterly spent.

Just do what you do with your family and create your own inner peace.

Horehound · 17/08/2019 15:16

TheKitchenWitch

But why do you want him to come to visit your family? I don’t get it.

You "don't get" that going ti vidut fanily is a normal thing to do? You just visit your family on your own? That's a but miserable isn't it?
My husband's parents live on the other side of the country to us, we go together to visit because it's like a weekend away. We catch up with them, go out for meals etc.
If there's a family party we both go, as do other couples in the family (like aunts and uncles..these people are all couples too...thats what you do!)

Vgbeat · 17/08/2019 15:16

I don't think it's unreasonable of your hubby. My dh and DD visit my mother in law almost every Saturday. I see his family maybe 2-3 times a year. Saturday's I do the housework while they are out all day and get anything I want done, done.

adaline · 17/08/2019 15:19

Not so huge when you also have 2 days off in the week to replace every working weekends

But it's not the same when your family is off at the weekend and you're stuck at work!

53rdWay · 17/08/2019 15:28

She’s not asking him to visit every weekend, though, she’s asking him to visit three times a year. That is really not excessive by any stretch of the imagination. It sounds like he just hates socialising (fine) and refuses to compromise (less fine).

Drum2018 · 17/08/2019 15:29

@Drum2018 but what do your families say about the other one not visiting? I can’t imagine not ever visiting my in laws. They would find me very rude. If there was a lunch for my mother in law she would be very offended if I didn’t go

Other people's feelings are not my responsibility though. So if MIL was not happy that I didn't turn up for a family event that's for her to cope with, not me. My parents and inlaws lived in the same town. I'd often visit my mother but not my MIL. Dh would visit his mother but not necessarily visit my mother. It wasn't a big deal.

You "don't get" that going ti vidut fanily is a normal thing to do? You just visit your family on your own? That's a but miserable isn't it?

Wouldn't it be more miserable if op had to sit looking at her miserable Dh who didn't want to be there? I know I'd rather visit on my own and be able to enjoy my time with my family, rather than be wondering if Dh was pissed off and trying to include him in mundane conversations about relatives/locals he doesn't even know.

Tooner · 17/08/2019 15:29

I think he is being unreasonable, 3 times a year is a good compromise and he won't even consider that. He's selfish.

BertrandRussell · 17/08/2019 15:32

“He might really need that downtime away from people, noise, chatter. It may not be a slight against you or your family. I remember once being told to look after myself by a Doc once who said 'you can't drink from an empty glass'. Perhaps your husband is utterly spent.“

It’s 3 weekends a year........

TheKitchenWitch · 17/08/2019 15:36

Horehound it's not at all unreasonable if that's what you all want to do! But that's clearly not the case here, is it? So my question is still why does OP want her DH to come along if he doesn't want to? How would that make the trips more enjoyable for her? Or her parents/family?

TheKitchenWitch · 17/08/2019 15:41

Also, there is no special obligation to have a relationship with your DP's parents/family - sometimes (often) it happens naturally, and sometimes it doesn't, which is fine. Her DP doesn't even want to visit his own parents!

LeSquigh · 17/08/2019 15:44

YABU. I hate visiting in laws - I didn't choose to be with them, I chose to be with my DP. I don't dislike them, I just don't have anything in common with them and it is a waste of my already limited time. He does come to my family but he does that because he wants to, not because I want him to or have asked him to.

isabellerossignol · 17/08/2019 15:49

Other people's feelings are not my responsibility though. So if MIL was not happy that I didn't turn up for a family event that's for her to cope with, not me.

That's a bit of a cop out though because whilst it would be up to MIL to manage her feelings if you refuse to spend every weekend with her, surely if you refuse to spend time with her ever it's not hard to see why she would feel hurt by that? Isn't this where compromise comes in?

When people talk about not being able to pour from an empty cup etc they mean you can't run yourself into the ground looking after other people, not that it will be detrimental to your well-being to spend a few hours a year doing something you'd prefer not to.

Original poster

Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 15:50

I want him with me because often when he does come actually has a nice time. It’s nice to share the driving. It’s nice for the three of us to do something together other than are standard hang -out at home weekends.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7