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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my husband to visit my family three times a year

165 replies

Londonlassy · 17/08/2019 09:32

My husband never wants to visit my family who live two hours away. It’s not that they fight or there is tension rather my husband wants to spend his free time relaxing from his stressful job.

Husband works alternative weekends and feels his weekends off are precious. I get that he has less weekends off than most but when he works during the weekend he does get days off in the week.

He has been to my hometown once this year ( and complained the whole drive) I regularly go home without him and take DC with me so he gets lovely solo weekends to sleep/ eat take away /watch football without distraction.

I’m not asking for much just once every 3-4 month visit my family. I feel like I am beyond reasonable in my requests and his expectation that weekends are for his relaxation is crap. Everyone does things they don’t like on the weekend including visiting family

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/08/2019 15:54

“When people talk about not being able to pour from an empty cup etc they mean you can't run yourself into the ground looking after other people, not that it will be detrimental to your well-being to spend a few hours a year doing something you'd prefer not to.“

This.

Butterymuffin · 17/08/2019 16:02

Depressing to see so many posters saying no one has any obligation to put themselves out for their spouse for the total of six days a year. I've done that much for friends before, never mind my life partner.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 17/08/2019 16:03

I'm a bit the same. I get one weekend off a month and it's precious to me. I want to spend time doing the things I want to.

I do go with DH to his Mums for dinner or we invite her here now and then. But sometimes I send him off on his own.

Last time it was his friends mums 70th birthday party. I'd met the friend twice and never met the Mum. No way was I travelling 90 mins for that one.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/08/2019 16:03

He sounds very stubborn. I'm an introvert too but 3 out of 24 weekends isn't asking the Earth

TooTrueToBeGood · 17/08/2019 16:09

It’s nice for the three of us to do something together other than our standard hang -out at home weekends.

Why not focus on finding things to do together that he might actually enjoy then? I am no introvert but the idea of attending someone else's mother's birthday lunch or somebody else's nephew's party is my idea of hell.

BertrandRussell · 17/08/2019 16:18

“Depressing to see so many posters saying no one has any obligation to put themselves out for their spouse for the total of six days a year. I've done that much for friends before, never mind my life partner.”
I can only assume that all those people are absolute downtrodden pushovers in real life, spending every weekend at their in-laws so they are LARPing being confident assertive on here and overdoing it a bit!

adaline · 17/08/2019 16:18

It’s nice for the three of us to do something together other than are standard hang -out at home weekends.

Can you not find something to do at home that you all enjoy, though? Why do you have to travel for several hours to see your family just to have a good time?

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 16:18

I agree with your DH as I’m exactly the same! I HATE having visitors so we don’t host anyone and I will see my DH’s family once for every 5 times he visits. When I do visit them I will stay in a hotel and never at their house.

I love them but I’m a massive introvert and need my own space. I feel trapped and overstimulated around other people and hate having people in my space! If I was forced to visit family 3 times a year I’d probably leave him!

Luckily, DH doesn’t mind at all as he is similar although not quite as antisocial as me!

yearinyearout · 17/08/2019 16:19

I'm amazed that so many are saying "he married you, not your family" etc. I don't think YABU at all. Marriage is about compromise, sometimes you do things to make your partner happy even if you don't fancy it much.
FWIW my DH is pretty similar, but he has become more flexible/considerate as he has aged. At one time I would regularly go to events/parties alone because he didn't want to come, but now he comes along more often. One of the biggest issues for me wasn't that I particularly needed him there, just that I would spend half of the time fending off enquiries about why he wasn't with me. At first I would make up excuses for him, "oh he's not feeling well/working late/got an appointment" but then I told him if he couldn't be arsed to come I would tell people exactly that. He started coming more often after that.

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 16:25

Marriage is about compromise, sometimes you do things to make your partner happy even if you don't fancy it much

My DH and I have an understanding that we don’t do anything we don’t want to do! Grin

Kungfupanda67 · 17/08/2019 16:48

My DH and I have an understanding that we don’t do anything we don’t want to do! grin

Anything??? Ever???

So tomorrow when you want a roast, he wants beef but you fancy chicken? Do you do both or does someone compromise?

When he really wants to see the avengers end game at the cinema and asks you to go with him, you’d refuse to go just because you don’t 100% fancy it?

You don’t fancy cooking and want fish and chips, he’s not keen? You don’t feel well and want some chocolate and paracetamol, would he go to the shop for you even if he doesn’t want chocolate and paracetamol?

Marriage is about compromise. To be fair, any relationship, romantic or otherwise, is about compromise. You can’t go through life selfishly demanding that you only ever do things you want to do.

I don’t like watching my son play football, it’s very boring - I do it though. I hate going to visit myhusband’s grandad, it’s too hot and he has the tv too loud - occasionally I’ll go with him though.

Madfrogs · 17/08/2019 16:53

Nothing worse that trips to basically just sit in another family members house for a few hours.

So basically I sit in someone else’s house expected to make small talk, when I could be sat in my own home?

Maybe actually doing stuff then ok. You say he enjoys it sometimes when his there my dh could say the same but it’s only certain family members I actually enjoy their company so it’s normally when they are there I enjoy myself the rest of the time I’d rather be home.

CendrillonSings · 17/08/2019 17:15

I'm amazed that so many are saying "he married you, not your family" etc.

I must have missed the section of the marriage certificate where all their names are written in...

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 17:26

@Kungfupanda67

Anything??? Ever???

Pretty much!

We’re childfree by choice so that takes a lot of automatic obligation out of the equation. I think what it comes down to is that although we’re awesome together and share a lot of the same interests we’re both fiercely independent. He’s abroad at the moment having the time of his life. Later this month we’re in the states together. I’m abroad next month without him. We both do what we want, when we want (activities, meals etc) independently but our lives have an awesome overlap in the middle where we have the best time together.

We hired a housekeeper, gardener, maintenance man etc so neither of us ever have to do chores aside from putting the odd glass in the dishwasher.

Life is too short to do things you don’t want to do and too short to see people you don’t want to see!

BertrandRussell · 17/08/2019 17:32

“Life is too short to do things you don’t want to do and too short to see people you don’t want to see!”

How bizarre that you’re spending time on Mumsnet. Are you doing a spot of tourism?

CendrillonSings · 17/08/2019 17:39

Life is too short to do things you don’t want to do and too short to see people you don’t want to see!

Words to live by! Smile

Butterymuffin · 17/08/2019 17:42

Skittlenommer so if a friend phoned and asked you to come round and comfort her over a break up, would you say no if it wasn't how you wanted to spend your evening? Or if a good friend or family member was seriously ill and you wanted your DH around to talk to, would you not feel at all disappointed if he said 'nah, I've got more interesting things to do'?

Lweji · 17/08/2019 18:07

For the record, I'm introverted and like weekends at home and still think he's being unreasonable!

Same here.

Three times a year is not that much.

But he sounds like my exH. Sad Ultimately, isolating himself so much wasn't healthy for him. He supposedly had social anxiety.

Jsmith99 · 17/08/2019 18:19

”The question is - why is DH so resistant & selfish in refusing to offset/justify the misery OP is going through in being denied any other social outlet than her 3-person nuclear family?”

”Not convinced DH's behaviour is deliberately controlling, but his refusal to even entertain family at home, & reluctance to attend ANY social event, is effectually isolating OP. And when she does get to visit her family, she may as well be a single parent”

Nonsense.

DH isn’t being ‘controlling’ at all. He isn’t stopping or preventing OP from doing anything. Quite the opposite, in fact. He is encouraging OP to do things without him while he gets the downtime he needs. If anyone is being ‘controlling’ here, it’s OP.

Skittlenommer · 17/08/2019 18:21

*so if a friend phoned and asked you to come round and comfort her over a break up, would you say no if it wasn't how you wanted to spend your evening? Or if a good friend or family member was seriously ill and you wanted your DH around to talk to, would you not feel at all disappointed if he said 'nah, I've got more interesting things to do'?

I’m there for people when they seriously need me, as if my DH, but that doesn’t feel like an obligation. It’s a pleasure to be able help. But I wouldn’t engage in anything trivial if I didn’t want to. Like nights out, baby showers, birthdays, invitations to hang out or go shopping, Christmas, helping decorate, visiting people etc etc.

Cabezona · 17/08/2019 18:23

Sound like we are sharing a man?! Honestly, I let this go years ago. I see them and enjoy the time with them. He goes to weddings and christenings etc which are rare. He doesn't get any benefits from my family such as money in birthday cards but I do from his because I make the effort. I've had to do some explaining with my family and everyone is over it.

PixiKitKat · 17/08/2019 18:34

My ex was like that and it was shit. I ended up not socialising much outside out relationship which wasn't good.

My current partner, whilst not a social butterfly, comes to my parents with my everytime as he enjoys seeing them too. It's not a chore to him. He also has his own set of friends he sees regularly.

I couldn't be with someone who didn't come to family event with me. I'd feel like they were saying I wasn't worth the effort of putting themselves out a few weekends a year.

OnlyaMan · 17/08/2019 18:39

I think the absolutely critical post in this thread was from PettyContractor, who wrote
Why do you want him there? What is the specific pleasure/benefit you get out of it that offsets/justifies the misery you are putting him through?
In all the hundreds of lines of posts, that question has been "danced around".
The only sensible answer came from the OP herself, who wrote

  1. He looks like he enjoys himself when he does come
  2. It is convenient to share the driving
But she spoils it by writing
  1. It is just nice (when it is plainly only nice for her, and not for her husband)
I have two unasked-for suggestions, but I will not post them, unless the OP specifically wants me to.
BertrandRussell · 17/08/2019 18:49

“Why do you want him there? What is the specific pleasure/benefit you get out of it that offsets/justifies the misery you are putting him through?”

Actually, my answer would be - it’s 6 days out of the year and I would like him to do it. I would most certainly do something I didn’t want to do for for my partner for 6 days a year.

53rdWay · 17/08/2019 19:00

‘The misery you are putting him through’ does seem a tad overdramatic for a three-times-a-year dinner with the in-laws.

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