WWYD - Daughter left home

[ABoxersMum]

Regular lurker but haven’t posted very often. Small back story. Have been a single parent to my DD since she was a year old. Got together with my DP when she was 9 and we all moved in together when she was 11/12. Current family situation is myself, DP, DD (17) and DSS (24). Myself and DP left DD and DSS for 10 days home alone while we went on holiday. Our only stipulations were that they looked after the animals (2cats, 1 dog) and kept the house tidy. DSS was pretty much working night shifts whilst we were away and DD had a few day shifts but is currently on school/college holidays.
We got home on Sunday and the house was an absolute shit tip. Now while this was disappointing and I was quite upset about it (DP was fuming) I could live with it and it only took a couple of hours to straighten up. What really upset me was that the cats had been left for god knows how long with no food and no litter change and once trays were full had poo’ed on the floor. DD wasn’t at home when we got back but breezes in a few hours later with a cheery “hello” as though nothing was wrong and appears to be amazed at how upset/angry we are and says she tidied up the day before. When we said that it didn’t look like she had she then stormed out to friends who were waiting in a car outside. As she was leaving I then turned into my mother and said “if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back”. DP went out after her and they started rowing in the street and it almost seemed like she was trying to goad him into hitting her. I told him to come back in and he did.
This was on Sunday. She tried to ring me on Monday but I missed the call (holiday was in the USA and I had jet lag from hell), she then messaged me saying she was coming over for 10 mins to pick up some stuff. She came home, got some things together and gave me her key back. I managed to get her to tell me that she was staying with a friend in a nearby local town but she also said that she was fed up of me always putting my DP over her. She said she was going to approach council over housing and then left.
I haven’t heard from her since. I tried to ring her Tues evening but got no reply. I sent her a text on Thurs asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and a chat and again no reply. My friend who my DD looks upon as an Aunt called her on Monday to check how she was and she did speak to her.
I’m at my wits end. Still disappointed with her but now so worried but don’t know what to do. Sorry for the long post but really don’t want to drip feed but WWYD. I miss my girl.

I hope you say that to your partner when he does something wrong

Sorry to all - don’t mean to drip feed. I didn’t say in the OP. When we sat them down before we went away DSS said he would look after dog and tidy up after himself and DD said she would look after cats and tidy up after herself

OP, the thread is now 150 posts in and you just decide to tell us this after 6 pages of posts about the care of the animals and delineation of chores and why isn’t DSS being blamed - AND you responding to such posts?

Girls grow up and move out.

Step sons not, apparently.

Priorities are very clear with some people.

Seriously, OP, I'd be grovelling in your shoes. Ten years from now what will it matter that there was cat litter on the floor? You want to have a good relationship with your daughter, and she needs to feel that she's important to you.

What's with the 'helped', though? Why shouldn't he have stepped up and done it? You're still thinking it was all her responsibility, and that he'd be helping her

This is a very good point and reflects your deep seated attitude to your daughter. Can you see how this would translate to her perception as the scapegoat. The adult in the house was your step son and he should have ALWAYS been responsible not the teen. If he wasn't responding to texts why not?? He should have reassured you that your daughter was fine. It also highlights that they must have no bond. He could be the go between here but maybe he doesn't care?

I am glad you are taking it on board and really hope your daughter and you fix this.
My comments re financial support is to flag that this is a very vulnerable age. If she has hopes & aspirations of uni they could all be dashed by leaving home at 17. If she cannot live with you then her costs will be high and she may feel forced to get a fulltime job. I didn't have parental support as a teen as my mum was widowed so I can relate to that feeling of not being supported. Sure I got by, did well in a career but it has left scars that only now as a parent to teens I can see. I also rushed into a relationship to have a sense of belonging which had long term consequences.

Butchyrestingface

I thought the same thing when I read that post, but couldn't put it into words as clearly as you did. It has BS written all over it.

The cats do roam the house but have a separate room with 2 large litter trays so all poo was contained in that room not all over the house as I may have implied.

But it's the same point, he clearly didn't check on the cats and their litter trays and neither did she. Maybe they expected each other to do it but clearly neither bothered.

Both are just as culpable as each other.

Come on.... some 17 year olds are married with their own home to look after. Sounds like she has a part time job too. Cats just need probably 15 mins of invested time per day - feed and empty litter tray. Keeping her own stuff sorted is just basic things like washing up a couple of plates each day and running a vac over the place. I’ve been off work Ill this week so have hardly done anything in the house and it still looks okay this weekend. The only issue I can see is that DSS wasn’t held accountable for pet situation and tempers a bit frayed initially. Hands up on here anyone who has raised their DCs and dealt with family dramas perfectly? Parenting is a learning curve.

It was obvious the cat litter hadn't been cleaned, but how do you know she hadn't been feeding the cats? I came home from work yesterday to empty cat bowls, but they had been fed that morning. I'd put extra out in the morning because I knew I'd be late home, but they'd scoffed the lot.

Blimey you’re getting a hard time OP. Not totally deserved.

Do your best to build bridges, apologise for your reaction etc.

But she’s not blameless.

Hope it resolves soon.

Why has DP apologised to you?
He needs to be apologising to her.

(Aside why do the cats have litter tray? The dog goes out so can’t the cats?)

ABoxersMum - your most recent posts were not drip feeds, you've just changed your story. All of a sudden, the cats have become just your dd's responsibility and the dog your dss's. Also, has your dp ever hit your dd before, because the way you describe the confrontation, it certainly sounds like he has? It would be extremely odd, otherwise, to even say she seemed to be trying to provoke him to hit her.

Basically, you got home and totally overreacted before you actually knew what had gone on while you were away and the end result was fairly predictable. You claim you know it was mainly your dd's mess and your dd's fault, but actually, you know sweet FA at this point. It might help to stop being so judgemental and desperate to blame your dd until you and your dd have actually had a chance to talk properly about this, otherwise I understand her resentment at your reaction.

Then she could have told her mum that instead of storming out! She didn’t; she just said she tidied up yesterday

Faced with an angry parent over a bit of mess, you want her to be the calm and reasonable one? They act as they’ve been taught.

And those saying 17 year olds run their own homes, is that also taking responsibility for another two adults in the room? Did these 17 year old get it all perfect from day one? Or was it a learning curve?

Maybe the daughter did try and tidy up and asked DSS to ‘help’ and he didn’t or it turned into a row?

Maybe OP has very high standards and DD couldn’t live up to them on her own?

Ten years from now what will it matter that there was cat litter on the floor?"

I completely agree with this. It's not really about the cat litter and the mess. It's about sorting out the family dynamics and getting to the heart of why your DD feels she wants to leave home. If you want to sort this out you need to put the mess behind you. You've told her you were disappointed you don't need to say any more about it now. Just meet up and talk with her/listen to her. 17 year olds aren't quite adults so make allowances for her lack of maturity and her emotions, and just listen to how she feels. I hope you sort it out with her. My dd is just entering her teens and already some of the emotional outbursts take me by surprise!

some 17 year olds are married with their own home to look after.

Not a single solitary person that I knew as a teenager was married at 17, with their own home to look after.

@ABoxersMum
Honestly so many of these posts are overreacting and making such a big deal out of what happened. I’d bet many of them haven’t got teenagers themselves yet. I wouldn’t call a 17 year old a child and I don’t see any evidence the DSS is a golden boy- maybe the opposite as it seems you don’t really have any relationship with him. So I get why you were angry with your daughter and logistically she was the one who came in.
She also made the first move of storming off rather than explaining why she had badly neglected the care of her family pets. She chose to storm off and leave rather than talk things through, and although what you said was an overreaction it IS NOT the same (as people are suggesting) as “kicking her out”. It was a bad attempt to get her to come back at that point as presumably you hadn’t finished the discussion. She chose to continue to walk away and is still continuing to stay away avoiding her own responsibility of talking things through like an adult though it sounds she expects to be treated like one- she has a job, works, goes to college. So cleaning a cat tray is NOT a huge task and neither is tidying up after herself.
If the DSSs clothes and takeaway trays were all over the place I’m sure that would have been clear. I can assure people that mums can easily tell whose mess is whose when they have several kids.
My daughter had a baby at 18 and moved out when he was 5 months old. She manages to raise a baby, clean, pay bills, cook and do laundry. My son also moved out at 18 and does the above except he has a cat and not a child

OP you weren’t all that unreasonable at all. As a mum I’d not be apologising for anything other than overreacting when’s he stormed out but I would have been pissed off at that too. I would not be paying for anything for her right now and I’d be saying that I missed her and would like to talk to her but I would still also be disappointed over the cat and her lack of respect for the house. So stop crying and ignore the people on here who haven’t a clue.

DD copped the shit because it was obvious that it was her mess. DSS is more like a lodger in that he basically lives in his room with his girlfriend and apart from the odd trip to the kitchen they are rarely seen.

This seems to me to be the issue. The mess isn't great but is much less of a problem than the neglect of the animals, and I don't see why that was any less his responsibility than your daughter's just because he's more antisocial than she is.

If I had been her and was getting it in the neck from my mother and my step parent when the other person (an adult) in the house wasn't being held responsible, and on top of that was told that if I tried to walk away I wasn't allowed back, I would have behaved rashly as well.

I think you probably also need to examine your behaviour and ask yourself if you do put your DP over her. It might just be something she said in anger, but it might be something she truly feels and which you haven't been aware of. The fact that you and your DP both shouted at her while letting your DP's son off the hook does possibly suggest that you are doing this.

Ultimately as she's 17, I think you need to give her space for a bit. Make sure she knows you love her and can always come home. Do not make that dependent on anything, like her apologising - she will only become entrenched in her position out of pride. Keep lines of communication open with friendly texts, and offer every week or so to meet for coffee. There's every likelihood this will blow over, but I think you should handle the situation gently until it does.

At 17 my mum also said the 'if you go now ,....' so I went too. We had a very strained relationship for about 6 months before I moved back in but as soon as I could I left none properly. You need to sort this before it festers. No one died here, yes you're angry and disappointed but it's not the end of the world

Ten years from now what will it matter that there was cat litter on the floor?

Agree with this. What I did in late teens and early twenties is forgotten; but what I haven't forgotten is how my DM sided with her DP over me and expected me to adapt to suit him.

Jesus DD is 17 not 7 years old. It isn't hard to tidy up after yourself and feed 3 bloody animals! What is wrong with some people? Honestly, talk about cotton wool society.

Not that long ago, my parents left me at 16yo for 10 nights whilst they went on holiday. I had to go to school, work weekends and take care of the pets (fish, 2 dogs and 6 puppies). It wasn't bloody hard and the house was probably cleaner when my parents got home compared to when they left.

Nobody "goads" someone into hitting them. Esp not a 17 year old girl to a grown man.

Has be hit her previously OP?
Has he hit you?

Poor kid. Sounds like this argument has been a long time coming. I hope she's happy at her friend's and gets sorted with a council place. You've probably lost your daughter op, but it sounds like you lost her years ago.

Isadora2007

My daughter had a baby at 18 and moved out when he was 5 months old. She manages to raise a baby, clean, pay bills, cook and do laundry.

So, at 17 your daughter was having unprotected sex.

I was left at 16 to look after the pets, house and horses when my parents went skiing (I didn't want to go). I was perfectly capable of looking after them and not wrecking the joint. A lot of posters on here seem to be speaking about the 17 yr old as if she were a 12 year old. I'd have gone mad too if I'd have come back to the animals in that state too, and I don't blame your partner for following her out telling her to come back inside. (the 24 yr old would have been told off too).

if you walk out that door, don’t bother coming back
If one of my parents said this, there would be no relationship to mend. We might get back to politeness but I probably wouldn't move back home. This is one of the worst things to say to a child.

I do not think you were asking too much from the kids. Yes even a 17yo should.be able to keep tidy, feed herself and animals. But she was there with 2 adults, the step brother and his gf. They should have stepped up. Actually since they are working adults and living at home they should be doing more. It's quite terrible how he is somehow fine cause he spends time in his room. Also your DP going after her was a terrible choise. Mom says that she is not allowed to come back home and then step dad saying to come back inside. That's very mixed messages.

I'd contact some child service type help line for advice. Letting her know that you are sorry and letting her know that step son is also somehow repremended/punished and letting her know she is welcome home always is the first step.

Of course a 17 year old can run a household. I did and many others did HOWEVER I had no choice I ran away from an abusive home and I made a lot of mistakes. Not always washing up & tidying up and the consequences of that.

If you give your child no responsibility and don’t directly teach them how to keep a clean household of course they’re not going to be able to do it when you leave them too it. Housework is boring.

If you fail to teach your children then the blame should fall on the parents. You can just say well your 17 as if that magically makes you aware or good at stuff.