To urge you to teach your children to be genuinely inclusive, not just polite?

[gingerginger2]

My kids are back at school this week (Scotland) and after a summer of seeing them without the context of their peers it’s a sadness again to see them interacting with other children.

On their own, they are sweet, silly, funny, kind, playful, interesting, creative, chatty. They are part of the world, full of wonder and learning and play.

But in the context of kids their age, they are different. They both have learning disabilities and dyspraxia.

They don’t know this though, they don’t quite realise they are “different” yet. They are little, they learn slowly, despite the constant lessons from society’s exclusions. They run up to their “friends” in such a carefree happy way, eager to talk, play, connect. It doesn’t seem to occur to them not to.

And when they do they mainly encounter silence. Uncomfortable polite looks. Or polite confused monosyllabic mumbles followed by eager escapes into actual easy friendships groups. Or at best a short conversation in a humouring tone, a tone learnt by imitating the tones adults take with small silly children.

There’s not really any unkindness. There’s just a refusal to actually engage, to get to know, to connect. An embarrassment and unwillingness to spend time with my children’s lack of social skills, messy clothes, an uncomfortableness at their invasion of their personal space. So a brief hello before getting on with actual friendships and relationships and life. An obvious desire to politely not engage. A smile with the lips not the eyes.

I’m amazed they don’t seem to realise that they’ve been snubbed again. But they din’t Mainly. Learning disability means everything is hard to learn I guess. But it’ heartbreaking to see they just carry on and continue to fling themselves at people, wide open, encountering boundaries wherever they go. I worry that soon they’ll start to realise and feel the pain of these rejections.

I worry too that maybe they do feel the pain. Maybe it goes somewhere deep, and maybe they are learning day by day that people don’t like them. That society isn’t for them.

I hate it.

Please can you teach your children to be more than polite and kind to their peers with disabilities? Please can you urge them to actually get to know them, to actually connect and include them? Even when they are messy, annoying, noisy and a bit weird. Even then?

Great post. So true.

for you...my dd has sn which affect her communication. It can be really heartbreaking sometimes.

It must be so hard as a parent to witness this OP, I really feel for you. Do the parents of these children know about your dcs disabilities?

I wish children and parents were OP!
Unfortunately (both of mine have ASD, eldest also has ADHD and dyspraxia)...a 'lovely' non inclusive boy told my eldest before they broke up for summer that when they go back to school he will throw my DC into the river for being 'weird'. He is constantly hurting my child and others may I add...according to headteacher 'this school has no issues with bulying'. He also has a wonderfully inclusive mother who believes children should fight out their differences. I grew up with having to fight bullies I do NOT want the same for my kids...roll on another academic year!

I’m sorry that your kids are experiencing this, can you give us an idea on how to teach them to be actually inclusive? Really not trying to be cheeky, I’m actually interested I would have the thought of anyone being left out especially by my children

Hate the thought*

Fabulous post Op. Wishing your DC all the best for the school year ahead.
I feel the same about my Aspie DS. He's off to secondary school in September. My heart will be in my mouth the first few weeks, if not the whole term.

It must be so hard as a parent to witness this OP, I really feel for you. Do the parents of these children know about your dcs disabilities?

My children have additional support needs which aren’t obvious on meeting them but really affect their socialisation, relationships etc and I get what the OP means. I don’t think other parents need to know about my children’s background, any diagnosis etc - children should be taught and encouraged to accept difference however it presents. I’m not saying children can’t chose who their friends are but exclusion, bullying and labelling as weird aren’t ok.

If children were taught acceptance (rather than tolerance), it would go a long way to making things better for children who are different in whatever way for whatever reason.

I’m sorry that your kids are experiencing this, can you give us an idea on how to teach them to be actually inclusive?

Just off the top of my head...

Talk to them
Ask if they want to play
Let them join in with their games
Initiate conversations
Invite them to playdates
Invite them to parties

Honestly kids should be able to make friends freely at school without the influence of their parents. Asking parents to make their kids include kids they don’t like, or want to be friends with, doesn’t help their development either. I know it’s hard for you but you may need to encourage your kids to branch out beyond school - a lot of the SEN kids I know are part of clubs and camps where they get to socialise with other kids in a less formal environment and learn new skills etc. Is this something that’s doable in your area?

I've always taught my DC this and am very proud of the way they behave in this respect. It was specifically noted to me by the last 2 of my eldest's teachers (primary so one teacher per class) that she goes out of her way to include certain children in her conversations and activities and that others have followed her example, leading to her class now having a self-regulated "no child left behind" policy when it comes to break times and group activities. This is no stealth boast but an actual proud one.

This sounds very, very hard for you. However, while I would never teach my DD to be rude, I am not going to force friendships on her. If she is uncomfortable when someone invaded her personal space, she is uncomfortable. I will always teach her tolerance, but she isn’t going to be told where to form friendships.

Yes the parents and children know that my DC have disabilities.

Most folk are kind and patient.

And then move on with actual life you know.

Like justifying the fact that their children never invite mine for play dates or to parties with an “they have to be allowed to chose their own friendship groups” and a shrug.

Yesterday when we were walking to school my son saw a girl is his class, and caught up with her and started walking next to her chatting. Now he was probably walking a bit close and stumbley. He probably was stuttering and getting his words mixed up. But she politely said hello and then excused herself with a goodbye and went to walk to school the long way round. Instead of walking for 5 mins next to my son.

And there you have it in teddy bears post. The reason why our kids will always struggle. Parents think like this, they teach their kids like this.
Sad but apart from a few shining exceptions, I’m giving up on most parents, they don’t get it and they don’t see why they should try.

You say your DC done know their differences, so how do you expect other children to know and understand?

can you give us an idea on how to teach them to be actually inclusive?

Actually inclusive for me would be teaching your child that, for example, it’s ok not to want to be hugged and to say so (setting a boundary), but it’s not ok to call my daughter names or run away from her because she tends to want to hug people. Or that sometimes you might need to explain what you’re saying in a different way because a child might not be able to process what you mean, but that doesn’t mean they’re stupid or thick and it’s not ok to smile and nod at them and then turn away and ignore them. Or that a child’s speech pattern might be different or they may use the “wrong” word and correcting them every time isn’t helpful. I could go on and on... basically we’re taking about accepting and valuing difference.

Sorry I cross posted. So you are saying the other children in the school know your kids have disabilities, but your kids themselves don't k ow?

But she politely said hello and then excused herself with a goodbye and went to walk to school the long way round. Instead of walking for 5 mins next to my son.

I really feel for you, OP, but you are being hard on the girl. If she felt uncomfortable she was entitled to be polite and excuse herself.

I will always teach her tolerance,

How would it be for you if your child was merely tolerated by the people around her?

Your last post is heartbreaking OP.
Could you talk to the Head about everything? Because if it’s not coming from the parents at home then it’s going to be very hard to get this important message across. I think school would be an excellent place to teach inclusion, kindness and empathy.

It’s sad that the parents don’t seem to be urging their dc already though.

So I just have to accept that my children are to be tolerated and politely excluded, because of your children’s right not to challenge themselves ? My kids should just go and play with their own type and accept that they won’t ever fit in?

What can you do???

Teach kids to challenge themselves to actually engage and get to know and spend time with and find common ground with kids like mine, rather than tolerate them and then move on to actual life. Teach them that difference is actual life.

How would it be for you if your child was merely tolerated by the people around her?

It would break my heart. But liking people and engaging in warm, spontaneous friendship isn’t a choice. Children should be kind and polite but if, underneath, the feelings of empathy and commonality that underpin a friendship aren’t there, I am not sure how I can demand they generate them, or from where.

I already see it and my boys aren’t even 3. I go and pick them up from nursery and the kids are all standing away from mine, because they can’t talk. Today I saw one of mine actually go up to another child (this never happens) and the other child just ran off. It’s not anyone’s fault but it’s so hard to see. My two have no idea yet. It’s heartbreaking. Hugs to you and

So I just have to accept that my children are to be tolerated and politely excluded, because of your children’s right not to challenge themselves ?

With every respect, yes. I am not going to force my child to make friends with any other child. I accept that that is a hardship for you.

I'm sorry, that's really awful. My children have special needs as well and I understand. Are there any groups/clubs for children with special needs in your area? My boys do disability sports and really enjoy it. My youngest is friends with another little boy who has disabilities and it's lovely to see them together. They have different disabilities but they are both aware of each others needs.

I am not sure how to achieve this either. I spend so much time telling dd1 to be kind, it costs nothing to be nice, but equally I also spend a lot of time reinforcing that you can't force someone to play with you, if they don't want to do X that's fine, respect boundaries etc. And if you don't like the game being played, go somewhere else, find someone else to play with.

I do say a lot of it is fine that we are all different, life would be boring if we were the same, it's more important that someone is a nice person than a good looking person - is that sufficient, or do I need to be spelling it out even more?