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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has ever been the Other Woman...and had it work out?

236 replies

Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:31

Just that really - have you ever been the OW (or know anyone who has) and you have ended up in a serious, long lasting relationship with him? And did you worry that he would do the same and did he/has he? Name change for this one but would rather not give details as could be outing even so...

OP posts:
CaptainJaneway62 · 16/08/2019 18:01

Well the exh has recently separated from the wife(OW when we were married 18years). He's left her for a slimmer younger version again after 15years.
Not surprised by this at all as he has always been a serial cheater. Not much sympathy for either of them tbh!

Canareggio · 16/08/2019 18:02

It happens all the time, OP. Human life and loves are messy and complicated, and anyone who doesn’t acknowledge that is doing magical thinking.

hellodarkness · 16/08/2019 18:09

" If the marriage is solid and good probably no cheating would occur, "

I read something that said that men in a genuinely unhappy marriage will leave within four months.

For every month he stays after that, the less likely he is to leave.

I don't know if it's true but there might be something in it. So many of them seem to cry and beg and try desperately to stay in their 'unhappy marriage' once the affair is discovered anyway. It's a shame they don't realise how important it is before they fuck it up.

Rach000 · 16/08/2019 18:16

It worked out for my aunty. She met him at work thye were both married, she had 2 children he had 1. Both not happy in their marriages.
They had an affair but not for long as they wanted to be together.
They are really happy together and such a good match. She married her first husband very young and they were too different in the end. She has now married him and he wouldn't cheat on her he absolutely adores her and thinks he is so lucky to have her. I know it sounds corny but they are good together. Her kids who are now grown up love him and get on great with him. They are probably closer to him than their dad who they do still see.
From her side it is great but to be fair he doesn't have a great relationship with his child due to splitting up from her mum but he did try.

Fontofnoknowledge · 16/08/2019 23:06

So many of them seem to cry and beg and try desperately to stay in their 'unhappy marriage' once the affair is discovered anyway. It's a shame they don't realise how important it is before they fuck it up.

That is probably more to do with men having to leave their children in the vast majority of situations. Because women are still the primary care giver.

I think you'll find that a man in an unhappy relationship would leave and not look back if he could somehow live with his children and them be happy without their mother. Which is an almost impossible ask. Hence the begging to stay ... and the common phenomenon of leaving the moment the child goes to University/leaves home.

hellodarkness · 16/08/2019 23:30

Yes I suppose that could be the case in marriages/relationships with children still at home.

The most recent two such situations I'm aware of within my friendship group involved a marriage without children and a marriage where the children had all already left home.

Much snivelling and begging to their lovely wives.

MsMD · 17/08/2019 00:11

I cannot fathom how so many on here are happily admitting to either cheating on their partner or being the OW.

If its not working to the extent you're considering an affair, LEAVE FIRST.

PlaymobilPirate · 17/08/2019 00:27

I was.

We met at work - purely colleagues for a couple of years.

He'd been in a LTR for 16 years. No kids. I was single. No kids.

Felt a spark and kissed on a work night out then battled it and had what you'd probably consider an emotional affair for a while.

I knew his relationship was rocky. She'd had affairs throughout. He'd been faithful.

We slept together once, he left home and moved in with his parents briefly then in with me.

We've been together 10 years. Never suspected him of cheating.

wheresmymojo · 17/08/2019 00:31

It didn't work out for me...but it did for my DM.

She didn't know my stepfather was married as he didn't wear a wedding ring. They dated for a few months.

When she found out (I believe he told her) she ended the relationship. His then wife called her and actually asked if she'd think about taking him back.

Apparently he had told his wife what had happened, they were both very unhappy and his wife was pleased to have a 'reason' to leave him that would also mean he would feel guilty and therefore be very generous financially.

So she called my DM and basically said "I'm done with him, we're unhappy and I don't want him so will you consider taking him back because he's done nothing but mope about". Shock

Anyway...long story short. DM did take him back eventually after that call. Stepfather and wife divorced - he has now been married to DM for about 25 years.

DM and the now ex-wife have been friends since. We even all had Christmas together once (including the ex-wife's new partner) and when I was a child I went on holiday with my step-brother and the ex-wife twice and would sometimes stay over at their house in the summer holidays.

I would caution though that this is not the usual story and very much 'the exception that proves the rule' IMO.

I was also an OW several years ago. Mine was more the cliche ending and definitely didn't work out. His wife never knew - it was extremely emotionally messy for me including an abortion. 0/10. Would not recommend.

SarahH12 · 17/08/2019 08:28

The bitterness, judgement and amount of black and white thinking on here is astounding. You don't hurt the other person with your bitterness, you hurt yourself and possibly your DC. Life isn't black and white, it's messy and complicated. The amount of apparently educated women here who can't see that is just mad!

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 08:47

The hurt for the dc was very much as a result of the actions from the person who had the affair not the person who didn’t. I have all the sympathy for people who are hurt even if life is complicated, it doesn’t take that pain away.

Yes better if people move on and find their own happiness too, but it’s a hard thing to go through.

SarahH12 · 17/08/2019 09:03

Of course @MarshaBradyo I wasn't trying to say the person who had the affair doesn't cause hurt. Just that sometimes a person's bitterness and resentment can be so strong and last for so long that it does hurt the others around them. Of course it's hard but there are people here who are still bitter and wishing the worst on a person 20+ years later. It's not healthy or helpful for the person still feeling that way. The ex isn't going to care 20+ years later that you still wish ill of them.

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 09:09

I agree over time it only hurts the person left with it. I would only hope that they would find their own happiness.

itsmecathycomehome · 17/08/2019 12:37

"It's not healthy or helpful for the person still feeling that way."

I agree but then I guess those bitter, unhealthy spurned wives probably do too. If only we could all control our emotions and feelings hey. People hurt for as long as they hurt. Sometimes they can be doing everything recommended, everything they should be doing to get over it, but it doesn't happen. I suppose that really what you mean in those cases is hurt privately, other people don't want to hear about it after a certain amount of time?

Sigh81 · 17/08/2019 12:42

Oh yes, I know a fair few where it seems to have worked out several years later (with no further cheating on either side).

I think sometimes people marry someone who either is or becomes grossly unsuitable and they meet someone more suitable before fully extricating themselves from the previous marriage.

EmptyOrchestra · 17/08/2019 12:48

Yes. DH and I were both in relationships when we got together. Not something I ever thought I would do or am proud of at all. We were mid 20s, neither of us were married but we were both renting flats with our partners. Both of us were in very controlling relationships, DH and I were friends for several years before anything happened so we knew quite a bit about the others situations - both of us had partners who’d threatened suicide when we’d tried to end our relationships previously so it was much harder to extricate ourselves. My partner was sending dick pics to other women, you get the picture.

DH and I have now been married a decade and have two children. No cheating. It’s not as black and white as some think.

I think it would have been different if either of us had been married or had kids though. I’m sure I’ll get flamed, but this is my experience.

WestBerlin · 17/08/2019 13:33

Itsmecathy - ultimately, yes. In the cases I know of the bitterness and negativity ended up destroying more relationships than the original affair did. Whether it’s fair or not people don’t want to always have to deal with someone else’s bitterness years after the initial hurt.

PinguDance · 17/08/2019 13:41

I’ve never been an OW but I have been the woman that a man started seeing immediately after breaking up with his girlfriend. So he did ‘the right thing’ - left cos he was unhappy and had met me... and guess what I don’t think it went down any better than if he had cheated.
Everyone assumed he must have cheated - which he definitely had not and I wasn’t even aware that he liked me - and she was devastated.

Let’s face it “i’m leaving cos I met someone else and I think maybe I like them more than I like you and tbh I can’t be arsed to try to save this relationship” and “I’m leaving because I’ve met someone else and I definitely know I like them more than I like you cos we’ve been having an affair” - are both really shit for the person who gets left.

sofato5miles · 17/08/2019 14:11

Exactly @PinguDance rejection hurts. It really does but people can feed/ indulge what they feel is justified anger for such a long time. If only it was always easy to move on. We can only try to help.

Eustasiavye · 17/08/2019 14:18

Yes a good friend of mine was the ow.
She is blissfully happy many years later, married to the affair partner.
They are very similar whereas I think he was on a different wavelength t o his ex wife.
The cheated on Wife got married again too.

Eustasiavye · 17/08/2019 14:21

Just thinking of another couple I know.
He wasn't married but lived with a woman and the ow lived with her then partner.
Been married for years and have a child together.

BogglesGoggles · 17/08/2019 14:30

I only know of one couple where it properly worked out. The ex wife was abusive towards the husband and heather relationship was already over for all intents and purposes when he met OW. They’re both happen now and no one calls her the OW now. In all other instances the pair have forever been looked down upon even if the relationship itself was good.

Pjsandbaileys · 17/08/2019 14:34

My ex husband is in a very happy marriage with "the OW" he made me miserable and was a better father when he left (which wasn't very difficult) I have a horrible feeling I was the other woman in my last relationship, we had a bumpy start which was all explained away at the time as "my mad ex gf" he did exactly the same to me getting a new woman in place before he left after 7 years together as it slowly dawned on me the pattern was exactly the same so cross with myself.

VikVal · 17/08/2019 14:43

I doubt you will get flames many on MN condone cheating and even being the OW, true den on iniquity. However, although many on here want to believe it works out they're only going on what they know and what I know for sure is once a chest always a cheat and I'm willing to bet most here who say it's all worked out either their DH hasn't had the opportunity or he has and she doesn't know! I've never known any instances where affairs have lead to happy ever afters, just ones where one half things they have...It's up to you what you do ultimately, but don't be the OW, don't degrade yourself to such a level.

Catmar · 17/08/2019 15:27

I was. We're still together 28 years later.

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