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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone has ever been the Other Woman...and had it work out?

236 replies

Birdtablegreen · 16/08/2019 07:31

Just that really - have you ever been the OW (or know anyone who has) and you have ended up in a serious, long lasting relationship with him? And did you worry that he would do the same and did he/has he? Name change for this one but would rather not give details as could be outing even so...

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 17/08/2019 15:36

VikVal, I disagree. It's just that some posters don't condone all cheating with a "cheaters should be stoned to death and/ or face a lifetime of punishment" mantra. Some think that, in some circumstances, they can understand that life is complex and people are human and there are many reasons an unhappy marriage or relationship is not disrupted until a potentially better suited partner comes along. No-one enjoys the thought of people being hurt. No-one.

For disclosure, I left an unhappy marriage but it took almost a decade. No affair partner. And I have money, a career, and 50/ 50 residency with my children. And it was still so hard to make the decision. For all sorts of different reasons. And if told you how many people think I should have stayed to keep their view on marriage sacrosanct and who have asked if I have thought of my children, I will scream!

notacooldad · 17/08/2019 15:42

My Dp had an affair for about 7 months before I found out about it. Everyone knew of course, except me.They became a couple and have been together for 33 years now, have adult children and a grandchild on the way.They are apparently still happy together.
My mums friend was the other woman for about 10 years before the fella 'settled' down with her. He had numerous affairs but claimed they were about lust and he loved her. He has only stopped because he us now in his late 70s and not in great health. She still thinks he's Mr Wonderful. Even when I was a teenager I knew he was a dirty dog!!

itsmecathycomehome · 17/08/2019 18:59

I think pp saying that they know affair couples who are happy can only know what they present to the world.

Given that nobody wants to be the dickhead that leaves a trail of devastation for no reason whatsoever, they do have a vested interest in showing everyone they are happy and that all the hurt was worth it.

The ow I work with admitted when drunk that she backs down in arguments, has sex when she doesn't want to and turns a blind eye to certain behaviours because she can't risk the relationship failing, and because she doesn't want to do anything that his ex wife used to do. You would never have guessed that, they seem perfect together.

I can believe pp who have been ow and are happy, but not people who just know an ow who looks happy, because you've no idea.

DockOfTheBay · 17/08/2019 19:12

Hello, I haven't read the entire thread but we have fairly new neighbours- they've told us that they've been together for a few years but this is the first time they've lived together. Clearly both have had previous relationships/marriages as they've both got children (he has multiple teenagers and she has one of primary age). She was the OW- not judging as I couldn't care less what she does. We've been round there as were invited to a BBQ, his kids clearly do not speak to her or talk well of her.

Since they moved in we've heard frequent arguments where she is crying and he is shouting, telling her that he's "got no privacy" as she's been through his phone/laptop etc. One argument was her crying asking "but why do you still have pictures of her". It's all very sad and, to be honest, really annoying as we can hear them! I know I'll probably get flamed for this but I can't help thinking it's because they got together in the way they did. Willing to accept that she may just be a jealous person but the way she watches this very ordinary and older man is actually really sad as she's clearly not relaxed at all.

notacooldad · 17/08/2019 19:14

I can believe pp who have been ow and are happy, but not people who just know an ow who looks happy, because you've no idea
I think in my ex case ( the post below ) they are genuinely happy. They didn't have kids until a good decade after getting together, he is in a band and she promotes them, they could have split up years ago with nothing to prove. I have mutual friends with them. Truth be told they are a more compatible couple than we were. It hurt at the time but my life worked out well despite the heartache, humiliation and loneliness at the time.

Thistly · 17/08/2019 19:38

turns a blind eye to certain behaviours because she can't risk the relationship failing, and because she doesn't want to do anything that his ex wife used to do.

Interesting. The example I am thinking of have been together 30 years. I think they spent many years in love, but not in a good relationship. They state together because they had the pressure of ‘we have caused so much pain to be together that we must stay together at all costs to prove it was the right thing to do’.
Once the early ‘in love’ stage wore off, their relationship became less and less functional. (Want to live in different places, one spends the other is frugal, don’t like the same food. Have different standards of cleaning, conflicting parenting styles etc)

It is still highly disfunctional but I can’t see them parting company now as they are old, have health problems and depend on each other.
However their dysfunctional relationship affects their families and friends and it’s really sad.

EmptyOrchestra · 17/08/2019 21:48

what I know for sure is once a chest always a cheat and I'm willing to bet most here who say it's all worked out either their DH hasn't had the opportunity or he has and she doesn't know! I've never known any instances where affairs have lead to happy ever afters, just ones where one half things they have...It's up to you what you do ultimately, but don't be the OW, don't degrade yourself to such a level.

Absolute bollocks. Of course there are serial cheats but it’s far more complex than that.

I know that “once a cheat, always a cheat” is nonsense because I cheated once and never have since.

If you’re in a good relationship and you cheat, clearly you have an issue with fidelity. But plenty of people cheat because they’re in bad relationships and they don’t know how to get out of them. If I’d been older, wiser, more experienced i would have been able to get out the bad situation I was in before cheating, but I didn’t.

I know my DH isn’t cheating, and I definitely know I’m not cheating. We’ve been married 10 years, far longer than the (unmarried) relationships we left.

ChipOffTheOldCock · 17/08/2019 21:59

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itsmecathycomehome · 17/08/2019 22:36

"We’ve been married 10 years, far longer than the (unmarried) relationships we left."

With respect, ten years is not that long. It could well be too early to make that call.

What you definitely do know about a cheat is that they have no problem cheating and lying when circumstances allow them to justify it to themselves.

tillytoodles1 · 17/08/2019 22:43

My daughter was her H's third wife. He had an affair and left her after being together for twelve years. He's now on fiancé no 4,

PicsInRed · 17/08/2019 22:48

I know my OM/OW isn't cheating

You know nothing. You hope big.

So many of these "happily ever afters" doth protest too much and have much to prove. Forever...

TanyaChix · 17/08/2019 22:49

Not me personally but I worked closely with someone who had an affair with a colleague when they were both married. They felt guilty and decided to make it work with their spouses, had children etc. Years later, they found themselves thrown together by chance when they got jobs in the same company. By this point they’d both got divorced. They have been together about ten years and are ridiculously loved up and happy.

I don’t know about the impact on their ex-spouses though.

WestBerlin · 17/08/2019 23:03

The fact is you don’t know if any marriage is truly happy, whether it started as an affair or not. Some are, some aren’t, that’s the nature of relationships.

I think a lot of people in the situation ‘protest to much’ because they’re faced with the overriding assumption that their relationships are miserable, plagued with infidelity and mistrust, and doomed. That’s what some people would surely like them to be in a show of karma, but that’s not always the reality.

Cherryade8 · 17/08/2019 23:10

I know of one. The original wife was/is a very manipulative and unpleasant person in general imo, still he married her, had two children, then had affair, divorced and happily married to OW for at least twenty years now.

I dont like affairs at all, I think getting divorced should proceed meeting a new partner but I'm sure ow/om relationships work long term sometimes.

Fairtatas · 17/08/2019 23:17

I know a lady who is now in her late 50’s who was the other woman in her early twenties, married that chap, then had an affair with another married man about 10 years later and is blissfully married to that chap. Everyone seems to turn a blind eye to any wrongdoing as she comes across as a lovely lady, especially if you don’t know back story.

IABUQueen · 17/08/2019 23:22

Is there a shortage of men in this world Hmm

canidothisalone · 17/08/2019 23:22

No I was the OW and left my husband for him. Changed his mind at the last minute. Did me a favour though to be honest so I am not bitter.

IABUQueen · 17/08/2019 23:29

There seems to be a trend of people who are so scared to be alone ending up being cheats.

These people are probably just settling with their partners because they find it scary to leave.. until they realise life could be better elsewhere.

I don’t think it’s fair to their partner who is being manipulated and deceived by this insecure cheat.

And if your marriage lasts with them as OW, just know it could also be because they’re too scared to be left alone and they didn’t have the opportunity and probably learnt a hard lesson from the original backlash of their ex/family.

Wouldn’t you want to be with someone who knows what they want in life and knows how to make a decision and communicate it, instead of being deceptive and self centred?

ftrtoyreview · 17/08/2019 23:30

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NewNewNewNew · 17/08/2019 23:32

Don't do it.
If you're doing it, end it.
You can never trust him, you'll never feel safe in your relationship.
If he cares about you, he'll end it with you, end it with his wife, then come and find you.
Have some respect, don't do that to another woman.

ftrtoyreview · 17/08/2019 23:34

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IABUQueen · 17/08/2019 23:34

ftrtoyreview

All the respect to you. That’s the morals I aspire this world would have. Good on you.

notacooldad · 17/08/2019 23:40

Everyone seems to turn a blind eye to any wrongdoing as she comes across as a lovely lady, especially if you don’t know back story
Well they will do if they dont know her back story!Confused

Winterlife · 17/08/2019 23:46

I’ve worked mostly with men, and about half of them left their first wife for, or were thrown out, because of the OW. Of all those men (dozens), only one stayed married and faithful to the OW. All the others cheated. In a few cases, the OW was also cheating.

Statistically, most marriages borne of adultery fail. My observations of over thirty years seem to conform to this statistic, but perhaps that would be the case in any event.

TwistedStrawberry · 17/08/2019 23:50

I was.

He was married, I was married. Long and complicated back story for both of us including cheating (on his wife's part) and extensive violence (on my husband's part). It's been 15 years and we're still together.

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