To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

[Josephinaphia]

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)

My reasons are - because I wanted to.

If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?

It's not my dad's name, it's my name. You wouldn't ask my brother why he's 'owned' by our dad's surname would you? You'd accept my brother ownership of his name.

Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?

My children both have my surname.

Do your children question why you have a different name?

No because they have my surname and they haven't questioned why their dad's name is different.

With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?

What do you think they do in other countries where they have double barrelled surnames?.

I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why.

Me too! Neither my dad nor my husband have ever attempted to make me feel inferior. Neither one thinks that I have my dad's name. They both think I have my name.

@Tangfasticharibos sorry I ripped off your post as it was so well put.

I did change mine (25 years ago), but if I were getting married now I wouldn't bother.

I did like my maiden name. If I could have my time again I wouldn't change it. It just didn't occur to me at the time how normal it was for women to keep their names. I knew it happened, but it just didn't occur to me to do it.

Fortunately I do like DH's surname too. If it had been a really awful name then I definitely wouldn't have changed.

It’s far more logical to pass surnames down the matrilineal line because it’s more likely to reflect our biological origins.
Before the advent of DNA testing there was a fair bit of cuckolding going on, along with the subsequent passing off of the child as belonging to the husband.

So it’s likely that after several generations your surname doesn’t match your biological origins at all. It only takes one unfaithful wife to break the chain and for your paternal surname to be a lie.

So, barring adoption of course, it would have made if we’d all taken our mothers’ names.

I love my name.
I feel like I am that name.
I loved my dad so much and I love that I have his name.
I don't like my DPs name.
No-one has ever assumed I'm Mrs his name.
Not had one complication with the kids as it is normal to not be married these days.

Meh.

The main thing that bothers me about these threads is the amount of people who are so rude about others choices.

I changed my name to that of DH. I don't need people judging me for that. I don't care if people change or not. There is no right or wrong here.

you are kind of denying your own children that option (unless they’re going to have a crazy ridiculous long name!).

Why? They have lots of options, keep their double barrel name, take their partners name, select a new combination based on both their names. They have a lot more choices in fact!

I love researching family trees and keeping the same surname within a family makes it so much easier, so admin wise it is a good thing. Obviously women can do what they like but I would dispute that keeping your fathers surname is a feminist statement. Some of the societies where women have the fewest rights are places where women do not change their surnames when married (such as Afghanistan).

Why? I have my name, my husband has his name, my children have my name.

But WHY should they have the mothers name instead of the fathers?

As an aside, the term 'maiden name' is thoroughly repulsive.

I had a surname of my own that I had become quite attached to over the previous 30 or so years so had absolutely no need to acquire a new one and incur lots of needless expense and hassle. Which is what I presume DH feels about his.

In Scotland, changing your name upon marriage is actually quite new and really only started happening at all from the 18th century.

When does a woman’s name become her own?
My Mum kept her name on marriage and we have her name.
My Nan was a single mum so kept her name and my mum has her name, neither of her parents changed their names as they had the same name (Jones + Jones kind of common level of name, we’re welsh). But I do concede that my Great grandmothers father is the reason she was a “Jones” anyway.
Who am I “owned” by?
Why is for example my brothers names their own but mine is not?

So you don’t feel and have never felt that men are superior to women, whilst also saying that you think only men can own names?! Ok then....

“But WHY should they have the mothers name instead of the fathers?”

Why shouldn’t they? (Mine are hyphenated, by the way)

The legal default is no name change, I had no reason to change, so why bother?

People who call me DHsname because they consider me part of their family are welcome to crack on but that's not my legal name. People who do it to be annoying get told.

DS is double barrelled, I'm sure he can work out something to call any potential DGC along with his partner.

I didn't like my maiden surname so got well rid of it the first time I got married. ExDH actually asked me if I would like to keep my surname and he offered to change his name to mine. I said no. And double-barrelled, they'd have been a daft combination. I kept his name when we split up and eventually divorced, but carried on using 'Mrs' because I don't much like 'Ms' either!

Remarried to the present DH, and use his surname now. I didn't want to keep ExDH's surname and didn't like my original one anyway, so it worked out fine.

To be honest, I don't really understand what all the fuss is about.

IAskTooManyQuestions

It’s down to each individual/couple isn’t it?
I presume it’s because that’s what they agreed on.
Why shouldn’t they have their mothers name?

Because I didn't feel the need to. Why is that so difficult to comprehend?

As it also happens, I like my unusual surname - but my decision to use Ms and that I wouldn't change my name was made 20 years before I got married (over 40 years ago) and 12 years before I met the man who would eventually become my dh. We did briefly consider double-barrelling our surnames, but either way around, it sounded like a tropical disease

Because I was already myself before I met my husband. My name is a part of myself. It is a part of my identity. Marriage doesn’t change my identity. The fact that I am married does not change anything about me and I have not become my husband’s property so why would I change my name to match his? I am a person first and a wife second - I am who I have always been and I’m not changing my name and losing a part of my identity because of some stupid outdated sexist tradition.

Its surprising how many people don't understand what the legal default is though. Your name only changes if you want it to!

1. My name is mine, not my dad's. Why do men get ownership of their names and women don't, when we all get given our names at birth in the same way?
2. There's no need to have a family name if you don't want one. Lots of countries have families with different last names as standard. It has never caused any problems.
3. If you did want a family name, it should be an equal decision between the two partners names, whatever their gender. It's really sad that it still defaults to being the man's name in the vast majority of families in 2019.
4. It's a hassle to change names.
5. Why the fuck should I change my name just because I got married?! And then should I change it again if I got divorced? Why does my identity have to change according to my marital status?

I like my name and I'd never change it. I can't really answer your question of why I didn't change my name as I don't really have an answer. I just didn't want to. DH would never have even considered changing his name to mine so why should I?

My kids have double barreled. They will have to decide when they're older if they want to keep both, just use one or change it. That's their decision. People actually assume I've double barrelled my name because of the kids but I just correct them. No big deal.

My mum actually didn't change her name when she got married to my dad and gave us kids her name so actually Im not 'owned' by dad.

I never really understand why this is so difficult to understand. It's my name. It had been my name for 30+ years. It's how I defined myself.

I really think more people should read the Crucible. Maybe they'd understand then!? .

DC have DH's name (my decision - he wanted an alternative option). I do regularly get called Mrs DH name as a result. Understandable. I just politely say, it's "Bling Loving actually, but please, call me Bling" and carry on. If I call the school I say, "It's Bling Loving here, DS' mum". Again, it's not clear to me why people think this is such a big deal.

My children don't seem to have any opinion on the fact that we have different names. They just know their names, my name and DH's name. I have a vague memory of DS asking why he has the same surname as DH and not mine, but I think it was in passing and we said we thought two names was too much (and believe me, if you knew me and DH's names, you'd agree) so we picked Daddy's. No biggie.

But WHY should they have the mothers name instead of the fathers?

Why not?! My children are perfectly happy with my surname. Are you suggesting it's somehow less okay for them to have their mother's name than their father's. If so, why?

Because I don't want to. It is as simple as that. My daughter took my surname since I did all the hard work in creating her so it's only fair.

^*I didn't like my maiden surname so got well rid of it the first time I got married. ExDH actually asked me if I would like to keep my surname and he offered to change his name to mine. I said no. And double-barrelled, they'd have been a daft combination. I kept his name when we split up and eventually divorced, but carried on using 'Mrs' because I don't much like 'Ms' either!

Remarried to the present DH, and use his surname now. I didn't want to keep ExDH's surname and didn't like my original one anyway, so it worked out fine.

To be honest, I don't really understand what all the fuss is about.*^

You've had 3 different surnames in your life so far, and you're suggesting that other people are making a fuss? That's hilarious.