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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

593 replies

Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 15:22

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

OP posts:
EcocabbyRickShaw · 15/08/2019 15:32

I changed my surname to my husband's when we married, simply because it mattered to him and it didn't matter to me. I didn't really like my surname (I don't like his either). It seemed like a non-issue, and it is, really. But I will say this - even now, 30 years on, I still don't think of myself as Mrs Ecocabby. In my head I'm still Ms Rickshaw. So really, I wish I hadn't changed it.

Funghi · 15/08/2019 15:33

His name is shit

Athe · 15/08/2019 15:33

I kept my own name when I got married, couldn’t think of a good reason to change it and overall prefer my own surname.
DH is, of course, welcome to change his to mine.

EcocabbyRickShaw · 15/08/2019 15:34

Lot of 'really's' in my post.

REALLY sorry Grin

Fizzpopwhizzbang · 15/08/2019 15:34

I think the point you raised about professional reputation is a really common reason. Back in the day it wouldn't have mattered because most women gave up work as soon as they married, and the ones who didn't were usually from a poor background and were doing manual/factory type work so there wouldn't have been much professional reputation to speak of.

These days most women have their own career, and people move areas and jobs more frequently than they used to. So your name matters. Most of my female friends are doctors. I can't think of a single one of them who took their husband's name. It wouldn't have done their career any favours, and it's a bit complicated to go back and change your name on published research papers.

NachosTrafficantes · 15/08/2019 15:34

It's my name. Why change it for some old fashioned tradition. We aren't going to have kids - and if we did I think we'd have double barrelled.

He wasn't going to change his name - why should I change mine?

joystir59 · 15/08/2019 15:34

Because I have a perfectly good name of my own that was given to me at birth. Why would I give that up? I am who I am

sonjadog · 15/08/2019 15:35

Are you writing a paper for college about this, or something like that?

ConkerGame · 15/08/2019 15:35

OP why didn’t your husband take your name? Genuine question.

We have decided to double-barrel as we both wanted to keep our own name but also wanted something to signify that we are now a unit. Our children will also have double-barrelled surnames so we will all have the same, but if they want to drop one of the names or take a completely new name or for their spouse to also take on the double barrel when they are older/getting married then that’s entirely up to them.

MulticolourMophead · 15/08/2019 15:36

I have a surname already, thanks for asking. I've had it for 50 years, and have no plans to change it.

And while I share a name with my Dad, this name is as much mine as his.

So, OP, why didn't your DH take your surname if yours was so unique?

Smellybluecheese · 15/08/2019 15:36

Because it is my name and there is no logical reason to change it.
DD is double-barrelled. The Spanish have managed this for generations. But she can do what she likes when she is older.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 15:36

My name felt very much like my name. Also had work attached to it.

Hearing Mrs his name just sounded like his mother (obviously, it’d be the same).

Pinkybutterfly · 15/08/2019 15:37

I have two surnames my dad's and my mum's my kids have two surnames my partner's and mine. If I divorce I will still have the same name that I got when I was born with. I am the same person regardless of who my husband is. Why would a husband mean more that the people who have me life? What do you do when you divorce? Change your surname and the kids won't share a name to you?

pallisers · 15/08/2019 15:37

it didn't even occur to me to change it. Why would I? DH didn't consider changing his name either - why would he?

Children have his name (if I was having them now I might do it differently - doubt dh would care) and there are precisely zero problems with having a different name to my children - who don't give a curse either way. It is a complete non issue.

CondeNasty · 15/08/2019 15:37

Because it's my name and I like it. I hate the idea that men own their names while women only borrow them.

DC are double barrelled and neither of us will have any offence if they drop 'our' name in future because we are not possessive twats. Maybe if they have children they can choose the name combination which sounds best together. It's up to them what they do.

UncleMatthewsEntrenchingTool · 15/08/2019 15:38

It’s a partnership, not a takeover

gcs21 · 15/08/2019 15:38

I personally dont want to take my partner's surname. He has his dads surname who has never had anything to do with him I have my dad surname who has passed away so I am more attached to mine. I cant double barrel it as we are both O'something and it would just be weird Haha. I always tell him he should just change his to mine. I dont mind if our children have his surname. I also grew up with a different surname to my whole family due to mum marrying my step dad. So mum dad and brothers all have the same name apart from me but I've never actually been questioned on it eitherSmile

Tangfasticharibos · 15/08/2019 15:39

If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)

My reasons are - because I wanted to. Is that good enough for you?

If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?

It's not my dad's name, it's my name. You wouldn't ask my brother why he's 'owned' by our dad's surname would you? You'd accept my brother ownership of his name.

Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?

My children both have my surname, why would you automatically assume otherwise?

Do your children question why you have a different name?

No because they have my surname

With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?

What do you think they do in other countries where they have double barrelled surnames? Maybe you should research this.

I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

What has your mom and dad got to do with other women's decisions on what to call themselves? Are you suggesting that all women who keep their own name have got a complex?

I've got a question for you op. Why don't you go and educate yourself before posting idiotic, borderline offensive claptrap?

SirJamesTalbot · 15/08/2019 15:39

I'm not married but I wouldn't change my name as all of my qualifications, career and life to date has been with my surname. That's why.

elQuintoConyo · 15/08/2019 15:40

Because I didn't want to.

Plus it's rather a comedy name Grin

DS has both our names, mine first.

newyorker74 · 15/08/2019 15:40

Because we were marrying each other not me being weirdly absorbed into him

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 15/08/2019 15:41

Little bit of a tangent but OP mentioned it so I thought I would pick up...if you have a different surname from your children, has it ever caused any problems?

I have a differnt surname from DS (never married his dad, and I wouldn't have changed my name anyway!) He's 11 now and it's never been an issue at all.
If I phone school, I'll say "it's DS's mum". When I make appointments I only give his name anyway so mine is irrelevant.
Travelling has never been a problem. I sometimes carry a letter from DS's dad saying he's aware that we're leaving the country but I've never had to show it so I tend not to bother these days.
If I get called "Mrs DSname", I will either let it slide if it doesn't matter (ie. Never going to see the person again) or just correct them.

Are we the exception or is it generally not a problem for most people?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 15/08/2019 15:41

If I took my husband’s name he would have no name. He needs it. And also, I have 3 of my own, I think a 5/6 worded name is a mouthful for anyone. I suppose he and I could trade. He doesn’t look much like a claire though.

Just kidding. I’m not married. Luckily for all the men. Grin

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2019 15:42

I like my surname
I'm very close with my parents and I wouldn't want to be a dhsurname, I like being a shoxfordian

If we have children then they'll have my surname. Not double barrelled or a combination.

SoftMyrtle · 15/08/2019 15:42

I never seriously considered taking my husband's name. Why would I?

On the other hand, my husband recently went double-barrelled (adding my surname to his).