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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

593 replies

Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 15:22

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

OP posts:
Charles11 · 15/08/2019 16:15

My name is my identity. Why would I change it?
It would piss me off if I had my husbands name then we got divorced.
Not that we’re planning to but who knows what the future holds.

whyamidoingthis · 15/08/2019 16:16

Reading your op I can only conclude that you're either a bit dim or you're just being goady. For your sake, I hope you're just being goady.

zeezee3 · 15/08/2019 16:16

@Josephinaphia

100% agree OP, and totally on your side.

You won't get many people on here who agree with you though. They think a woman is a pathetic, subservient fool, if they take their husband's surname! And they will NOT accept any reason the women give (for taking their husband's surname.)

The women who chose to keep their maiden name REALLY don't like it that other women take their husband's name.

Funnily enough, I don't know a single woman in real life, who kept her maiden name. And this includes teachers, nurses, GPs, librarians, admin assistants, shop workers, solicitors, business owners, therapists, receptionists, cleaners, psychiatrists, dentists, mechanics, military women, stay-at-home-mothers, physiotherapists, farm workers, farm OWNERS, and more. And they are a mix of working, middle, and upper class. And are aged from early 20s up to their eighties.

Not ONE has kept her name.

Yet on mumsnet, it's littered with women who kept their maiden name when they got married. In addition, they just LOVE to judge women who changed their name to their husband's, and demand that these women explain why.

I always cringe a little when I encounter a family where the children have a different surname to the mother. Because the children ALWAYS have the MAN'S surname don't they??? (In real life that is, not in the parallel universe of mumsnet!) Wink

(Oh go on, tell me your kids have a double-barrelled surname!) Wink

SURE they do! Wink

midsomermurderess · 15/08/2019 16:17

I think it's a case of you do you, OP. I live in Scotland, it was very common for women to not change their names on marriage. I think it only really became the norm in the early 20th century.

sugarplumfairy28 · 15/08/2019 16:17

I took my husband's name, because my maiden name was easy to make fun of, never got spelled correctly and was the source of much bullying, I was glad to be shot of it, luckily my married name, is completely normal, not difficult to spell, doesn't need spelling over the phone and has no immediate way to make fun of it.

Another reason, was I wanted our children to have the same name as us, its a family name.

A friend of mine has a daughter from a previous relationship and she has her father's surname and not the same as her mother. Whenever they travel abroad they get hauled in for interrogation due to the difference in names, and possible kidnapping prevention (I live abroad) and it happens every time they come over, that's the sort of situation I wanted to avoid by different surnames.

Magenta82 · 15/08/2019 16:17

If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?

This really Fucks me off! It is not my Dad's name it is MY NAME the one I have had since I was born.

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2019 16:18

If you don’t like your name- change it. You can do it online and it costs about 20 quid. You don’t have to get married.

drsausage · 15/08/2019 16:19

Here we are in 2019 with women wondering why other women choose to do something that men have, for millennia, done without being questioned.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 16:19

Blimey I know loads who kept their surnames

orangeshoebox · 15/08/2019 16:19

because it's a pain getting all relevant documents (passport, driving licence, bank cards etc) in the new name.
because it's my name and why should I change it?

53rdWay · 15/08/2019 16:19

I always cringe a little when I encounter a family where the children have a different surname to the mother.

wait, I thought you didn't know a single woman who hadn't changed her name?

whothedaddy · 15/08/2019 16:19

I shall keep mine and take his.

My DD isn't my partners so has my name, I don't want her isolated by not having a surname connection
I like my partners surname, I adore his family, My name is part of who I am.
My partner wouldn't want to take my surname as he really likes his name. Totally his choice. So the three of us will end up with a blend of 2 surnames.

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 16:19

Funnily enough, I don't know a single woman in real life, who kept her maiden name

Maybe that’s just the circles you move in because I know a good number of women who kept their last names.

Ronia · 15/08/2019 16:19

Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?.

Why assume my children have his name? I kept my name when I got married and my two DC, who I had after we got married, have my surname.

Our reasons for those choices are our own.

Iilana · 15/08/2019 16:20

A few reasons I'm not originally from the UK, where I'm from traditionally the women and men keep their original surnames upon marriage. However my husband is born and raised here and so we decided to both tale each others surname hyphenated. Also I own my own company and my surname is in the title.

prettybird · 15/08/2019 16:20

I do know a family where she has a traditional Scottish surname, her dh has a multiple syllable very foreign name (even though he is born and bred Scottish) and they made the decision to give their two kids a different name again (a nice simple, 2 syllable name Wink), but one which had a link to both sides of the family.

It works for them Smile

Shootingstar1115 · 15/08/2019 16:20

Some people just prefer to. Maybe they want to keep their name and don’t like the idea of changing it. Maybe they are in a job where changing it would be a faff (some teachers, actors etc keep their maiden names). Maybe they have children from a previous relationship and want the same surname as them?

Are you a traditionalist? Does it bother you that my son took my name at birth? Does it bother you that both my children will be going school with different surnames. My son has my name and my daughter as my partners name. If we ever get married I am not sure what name I will take. We have considered my partner taking my name (but we would have to change DD’s too. My partner has no loyalty to his name as he doesn’t know his father of his family, yet I really do have a connection with mine.

I also took my mums name at birth. There aren’t many people in my family with my surname now. I feel like giving my son the name meant he can carry on the name!

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2019 16:20

And IRL I have never heard of people having huge difficulties travelling with children with different names. Maybe asked one or two more questions- easily answered if you have a copy of the birth certificate tucked into the back of your passport.

drsausage · 15/08/2019 16:21

A friend of mine has a daughter from a previous relationship and she has her father's surname and not the same as her mother. Whenever they travel abroad they get hauled in for interrogation due to the difference in names, and possible kidnapping prevention (I live abroad) and it happens every time they come over, that's the sort of situation I wanted to avoid by different surnames.

I have never once been "hauled in for interrogation due to the difference in names" despite travelling many many times with my children over the last 18 years.

Tangfasticharibos · 15/08/2019 16:21

I always cringe a little when I encounter a family where the children have a different surname to the mother. Because the children ALWAYS have the MAN'S surname don't they??? (In real life that is, not in the parallel universe of mumsnet!) ^*

(Oh go on, tell me your kids have a double-barrelled surname!) ^^

SURE they do! *^

My children have my surname. Why is that so hard for you to believe?

Fwiw I couldn't give a flying one what other women call themselves.

orangeshoebox · 15/08/2019 16:22

If you don’t like your name- change it. You can do it online and it costs about 20 quid. You don’t have to get married.

not necessarily. one of my nationalities forbids changing name unless for marriage or witness protection.

littlewriggler · 15/08/2019 16:22

feel like giving my son the name meant he can carry on the name!

Unless he marries someone like you who wants to give their name to their kids Wink
You could equally have given your name to your daughter and started a female name line.

drsausage · 15/08/2019 16:22

I always cringe a little when I encounter a family where the children have a different surname to the mother. Because the children ALWAYS have the MAN'S surname don't they??? (In real life that is, not in the parallel universe of mumsnet!)

I had a different surname to my mother because she took my stepfather's name when she married him.

I'm not sure why this would make you cringe?

AngrySquid · 15/08/2019 16:24

I do think that’s an interesting point, I don’t think I’ve met any such women either. Apart from my mother (married but kept and passed on her name) and Nan (unmarried) which may be why I feel strongly about it? I don’t know. I’m of an opposing view to ZeeZee but when I think about it I genuinely can’t think of a woman who isn’t related to me who’s kept her surname. I know one who double barrelled her own but gave her dc her husbands name only. That’s about it, otherwise it’s husbands name only (in the people I know.)
I have never judged anyone for it though, I resent some things; as per my previous comment my name has been passed through 3 women before me, when is it my name? Do I belong to my great great grandfather whom I never met?
But I have not and will not judge individual choice

Sux2buthen · 15/08/2019 16:24

My partners is extremely dull! Mine isn't exciting but I changed it to my step dads out of love for him when I was 17 so would never get rid of it.
Our kids are double barrelled so if and when I marry my partner I will be too. My stepdad ends his family line so I feel good to have extended that. Maybe sounds silly.