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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask: why wouldn’t you take your husband’s surname?

593 replies

Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 15:22

Not looking for a row here - just genuinely interested in people’s reasoning behind not changing their surname upon marriage.
I am married and although I have a very unique maiden name which I love, I took my husband’s surname when we married. It was strange at first and a little sad, but now it is my name and part of my identity, as my original name was. We have 2 DDs who both have the surname too.
My questions are:
If you kept your name, what were your reasons? (e.g. you’d already made a name for yourself in your profession)
If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?
Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children, does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?
Do your children question why you have a different name?
With the whole double-barelling thing, again is this a feminist issue? To both be equal? But then what is the long-term plan? When your DC get married will they add their surname to their spouse’s surname and potentially have a quadruple-barrel name? And what of the generation after that?
I have a really lovely dad who treats my mum incredibly well and my husband is the same to me, so I’ve never really had a complex about men being superior or me being inferior and just never really saw the issue with having a shared marital, family name - but it seems so common now for women to want to keep their maiden name (their dad’s name) in some capacity and I guess I’m just curious as to why. As far as I can see, taking your husband’s name is the sensible way to do it if you’re going to have family. Double-barrelling in particular is surely just causing problems for your children further down the line?

OP posts:
EllieMentry · 15/08/2019 15:44

Why would I automatically change my name?

My husband didn't change his name.

Our children have my surname.

Why do you assume it would be the logical thing for a woman to change her name to her husband's?

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/08/2019 15:44

Because I had a career and a list of publications in my own name. Why would I want to start again building a publications list under a new name?

and

I never seriously considered taking my husband's name. Why would I?

BelleCarig · 15/08/2019 15:45

I didn't want to change my name. I had kids before we married and they have my name it'd be a ball ache to change everyone's but honestly, I just didn't want to change my name and my husband didn't care either way (at one point he said he'd be disappointed if I had changed it as he thinks of me as a strong woman and not his possession)

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 15:45

I kept my name because I am more than just my husbands wife (the origin of taking the last name is based on women having no legal independent identity of their own). I didn’t want to be part of a sexist and outdated tradition.

I identify strongly with my name. I am very accomplished academically and in my career. It just didn’t feel right and nobody batted an eye (not that I would have given a shit if they had).

We double barrel our fur-babies last names though so the vet calls “Fluffy Blatherington-Smythe! Grin

SilverySurfer · 15/08/2019 15:45

It originally came about as the father passing ownership of his daughter to her husband. It's surely not difficult to understand why many women these days prefer to retain their own identity.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/08/2019 15:47

Or phrase it another way. Why would I consider ditching my own identity because I’ve chosen to commit to one partner for life? The commitment in itself is enough.

Changing my name on marriage never even occurred to me. Why should it?

Sotiredofthislife · 15/08/2019 15:48

Ownership. I didn’t stop being me just because I married. I didn’t stop being a part of my mum and dad’s family when I married.

I can cope with having my dad’s ownership stamped on me because i was his child and naming is about the family line. My children have their dad’s name. I know my thinking isn’t necessarily logical but it works for me!

Frlrlrubert · 15/08/2019 15:49

My husband was already double barrelled.

I quite liked the idea of us all having the same name but wasn't about to let him keep two while I gave up mine!

So he picked one to keep and we both double barrelled that one with mine.

His sister also kept one of hers to join with her husbands (incidentally she kept her mums and he kept his dads).
Though her husband didn't change his name, their DD has the same as she does.

I like the idea of a future system where females keep their matrilineal surname and males their patrilineal one, but I imagine our DC will do whatever they want.

Whattodo20192 · 15/08/2019 15:49

I don't want to because I have earned all my qualifications in my own name. Our kids have a double barrelled surname.

hollyjollychristmas · 15/08/2019 15:49

I have a unique name which I like, whereas my partner has literally the most common surname in the UK (which he hates!)
We have agreed I will keep my name, any children will bear my name and potentially if/when we have children he will then change his name to be mine so we all have the same name. But if he decides to keep his name it's a non-issue.
The only thing that makes me sad is my partner would like to take my name, but is worried about doing so because of what others (primarily other men!) will think of him.

yikesanddang · 15/08/2019 15:50

Smellybluecheese How do the Spanish do it? If person 1 is Gonzalez-Ruiz and person 2 is Garcia-Lopez, what are their children? Gonzalez-Ruiz-Garcia-Lopez? Or do they drop one of their double barrels. What's the bet they drop the mother's name and not the father's.

FfionFlorist · 15/08/2019 15:51

My name is part of my professional identity
I am not a chattel to be moved from one person's possession to another person
I got married when I was nearly 50 and actually I would rather never have got married, had no intention of ever being known as Mrs
My dh's name is a bit ugly
I like my first name/ surname combo, it has an obvious ethnicity, think Morag Macdonald
I have never encountered any issues with having a different name from my dc

PumpkinPie2016 · 15/08/2019 15:51

I did change my name when I got married because I wanted the same name as my husband and also any future children (we have one son now who obviously has the same name as both of us.). I suppose I'm quite traditional in that sense and it felt right somehow.

I do know numerous people who didn't change theirs though. One was Dr MaidenName professionally and Mrs MarriedName privately because her name was important professionally. I'm a teacher so it didn't really matter for me.

One didn't because her father died when she we only 20 and she wanted to keep his name.

One because she doesn't like her husband's surname particularly.

One because she wanted to keep her surname and double barralleing would just sound stupid.

Lots of reasons for either option - all of which are equally valid.

PuzzledObserver · 15/08/2019 15:51

When I married for the first time at the age of 24, I kept my name. It was to do with identity, being myself etc.

When I married for the second time at the age of 36, I took his name. I felt sufficiently "me" that I would still be "me" even with a different name and I wanted to show that I was connected to him.

Neither husband expected me to change my name or queried my choice. In neither marriage did I feel I was their possession, and both my husbands bristled and corrected anyone who talked or acted as if I was.

Tangfasticharibos · 15/08/2019 15:52

The only thing that makes me sad is my partner would like to take my name, but is worried about doing so because of what others (primarily other men!) will think of him.

Sad isn't it? We discussed this, dh wouldn't change his name and I'd never expect him to. But we had a conversation about it.

He said that even if he wanted to change his name he wouldn't because essentially, other blokes would laugh at him.

WhyTho · 15/08/2019 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/08/2019 15:52

I have a name. There is no need to change it. And I find it strange that anyone would want me to.

CassianAndor · 15/08/2019 15:53

your voting buttons make no sense - are you being U for asking a question - no, not really apart from the fact that there was a massive great thread about this not that long ago.

Advanced search is your friend.

NoMrsLevinson · 15/08/2019 15:53

It isnt a custom I want to emulate because of the horrible connotations. There was no benefit in doing so, merely admin. Choosing to engage in this is not sensible. If my name is my father's, then I wouldn't be taking DHs name. I'd be taking FILs, which is just weird. And there are entire societies that use both parents names, also entire societies where women don't name change on marriage, which I'm surprised you weren't aware of. As billions of other people have managed fine not following the particular naming traditions you do, I knew I'd be fine too.

Original poster
Josephinaphia · 15/08/2019 15:53

Wow lots of replies already - thank you! New to Mumsnet, didn’t know you could search specific topics. So far I have just been reading the ‘trending’ threads and thought I would give it a go and this was one of those things I always wonder!
So there are some career reasons and some not liking the name or the in-laws, but mostly it seems to be a ‘cause I shouldn’t have to’ kind of deal, disagreeing with taking the man’s name on principle cause he’s a man and it’s 2019? Which is fair enough if that’s your way of thinking, each to their own!
The double-barrel thing seems to be just they’ll cross that bridge when they come to it kind of thing? It just feels maybe a wee bit short-sighted that although you got to ‘have the best of both worlds’ and kept your maiden name AND took your husband’s name, you are kind of denying your own children that option (unless they’re going to have a crazy ridiculous long name!).

DH didn’t take my name because I didn’t ask him to! As I said, I never saw the problem with taking his name so we weren’t ever looking for an alternative.

OP posts:
whatever123noname · 15/08/2019 15:54

Because it's my name, my identity, a lifetime of achievements are tied to it.

Why did you do something that made you sad? Why didn't your DH take your name?

1forAll74 · 15/08/2019 15:54

There is no reason for this debate really.Taking your husbands surname was always the way to go years ago. So now in these days,women have their own reasons for not doing this .full stop.

I am an oldie,and when married,I automatically took my husbands surname.We divorced,and I still kept that surname,despite him remarrying,so now his second wife has the same surname also. Sadly he died five years ago, but that's not relevant here !

I have noticed,that in my village here, quite a number of younger couples have come to live here,and a fair number of the women have got not just one surname, but up to 5 of them. it all looks a bit odd to me, when they post on the community page here, but that's the way things are now.

MarshaBradyo · 15/08/2019 15:55

I’d not want double barrelled our two names together would sound odd to me

Tangfasticharibos · 15/08/2019 15:55

All the women who say they changed it because they wanted their children to have the same surname as them;

Did it never occur to you that you could have given your children your name?

What will you do if your husband leaves you and marries a new Mrs Hisname? What if you remarry too and have more children?

53rdWay · 15/08/2019 15:55

If you kept your name, what were your reasons?

I already have a surname, it works fine, why would I change it?

If it is a feminist issue of ‘ownership’ as some people seem to suggest, why is it any better to be ‘owned’ by your dad, to be known by your dad’s surname?

My surname is my surname, which I share with my dad. Just like my husband’s surname is his surname, which he shares with his dad. Both of us were born with the names we have. Mine belongs to me as much as his belongs to him.

Is it not complicated having a different surname to your children

No

does it not get annoying when people assume you are Mrs DH’s surname anyway?

Often they assume he’s Mr 53rdsSurname, so it evens out.

Do your children question why you have a different name?

No.

Have you considered asking your husband why he kept his maiden name, and didn’t want to change it to yours to be a single marital family unit?