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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL wants me to look after DGS on my birthday

147 replies

nespressohno · 15/08/2019 14:41

I regularly look after DGS. I love it.

However, sometimes, I simply can't / don't want to. DIL and DS, work difficult shifts so they often need helping out beyond 3 days a week DGS is at nursery. They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development - he's only two and more time with family is better. It's also £40 per day.

However, soon it's my birthday! I have said to them I don't want to look after my DGS on my birthday as I'm planning something with friends.

But DIL is being moody with me because she has a work commitment and DGS will have been at nursery for three days already that week! DGS can go to nursery that day - an extra day won't harm her and the cost is actually less than the petrol cost it takes me to drive to their house (although I do not charge them petrol cost when I look after my DGS).

AIBU wanting to spend my birthday doing what I want to do? I am a grandma, not a professional childminder!

Why do they not respect my time... should I ask for a small amount of petrol contribution each time I look after DGS (it costs £25 as its 80 miles each way) so they take my time more seriously? Or is that mean?

OP posts:
AwkwardAsAllGetout · 15/08/2019 14:44

You drive 80 miles each way?! How often are you doing this? Yanbu at all, they’re using you for free childcare and can’t get upset when you want a day off, your birthday no less! Are you sure they haven’t planned some kind of surprise and are trying to get you there to look after the child as a ruse?

NailsNeedDoing · 15/08/2019 14:44

Yanbu.

As they are talking you for granted and being so unappreciative of what you already do, I think it's fair enough for you to point out how much it costs you.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2019 14:46

I really doubt they are planning a surprise for her!

Could you stay over a couple of days a week so that you're only paying for one return journey?

notmuchmoretogive · 15/08/2019 14:46

YANBU at all. They are taking the piss.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 15/08/2019 14:46

Yanbu and they should be at least paying your petrol. No good deed goes unpunished

RhodaDendron · 15/08/2019 14:46

No you are absolutely not BU! They are so cheeky to sulk about this. My DB recently had my DM mind his kids on her birthday and I gave him a right talking to - and she doesn’t even mind them regularly.

Ignore DiL’s moods, speak to your son and simply say ‘sorry darling, I’m not available that day.’ This is such an important opportunity to set some clear boundaries around this arrangement, which is already more than generous on your part.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 15/08/2019 14:47

YANBU, if they’re not paying you they shouldn’t rely on you as childcare to enable them to work. Enjoy your birthday!

NoSquirrels · 15/08/2019 14:48

Grandparent childcare (free) is at your discretion. So YANBU. If they had no options and there was a work commitment then I know how difficult that is - but if the option exists to have an extra day at nursery then there’s no real problem. Also, £40 is not bad for nursery - it’s very reasonable.

I would point out your petrol costs, but only if they keep bringing up money as an issue.

user1483387154 · 15/08/2019 14:48

they are taking advantage of you

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2019 14:49

YANBU at all.

Can sulky DIL's parents not help out? Why is it just down to you?

I think you should call her out on this. Point out that of course you're happy to help them when convenient, but that it actually costs you more in petrol money that it would cost them for an extra day in nursery.

And sorry, but the 'more than 3 days at nursery is harming his development' bollocks is absolute rubbish.

CoughSplutter · 15/08/2019 14:49

My MIL travels 85 miles each way to look after DSIL’s children, so some MILs do do it.

chickenyhead · 15/08/2019 14:49

YANBU
They are VERY VERY VERY lucky to have you drive to them more than once a week/fortnight. You should be able to do as you please on your birthday, even if that was sitting on the sofa in a onesie eating marshmallows.

Tell her to jog on x

MindyStClaire · 15/08/2019 14:50

YANBU, at all. DH and I work 5 days a week, so DD goes to nursery 5 days a week. That's just how it is.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/08/2019 14:50

YANBU

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 15/08/2019 14:51

Yanbu! You drive 80 miles each way to do this? They are having a laugh.

WhyTho · 15/08/2019 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strugglingtodomybest · 15/08/2019 14:53

Hold strong, do not give into the moods!

Ffs1608 · 15/08/2019 14:54

They are BU! It's your birthday - even employees can book time off, yourw doi g the a massive favour. Stand your ground, celebrate with friends and let them sort their child out. Not your responsibility. Don't let guilt spoil your day, enjoy it.

Bourdic · 15/08/2019 14:55

Bloody hell - how did you get yourself into this mess? 80 miles each way? No petrol money even? Use this as the catalyst for change. Family conference, your place, they drive to you. A new beginning which puts you in control and includes petrol money at least. Pull yourself together woman - yanbu. Have a nice birthday with your friends

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 15/08/2019 14:56

I think that the cost of looking after grandchildren can be quite extensive. I know some grandparents offer money, but if they don’t, the cost of fuel, lunch, tea, outings, all mounts up.

I think OPs DiL is rude to be annoyed that she can’t have her MiL at her beck and call. Just because grandparents are retired, doesn’t mean that they are sitting around doing nothing and able to provide free childcare whenever.

It’s your birthday and you have plans. Stick to your guns and say no.

KatherineJaneway · 15/08/2019 15:00

You say:

Sorry, that day is my birthday. I have plans. You'll need to make alternative arrangements.

End of.

Purpleartichoke · 15/08/2019 15:00

Enjoy your birthday.

Tell them it’s time they start at least covering your expenses for regular child care.

Or maybe just tell them it’s time for you to be the emergency backup/occasional date night sitter.

Weezol · 15/08/2019 15:07

They are really taking the piss here.

You really need to reset this situation. You shouldn't have to ask for petrol money, they should have offered.

Enjoy your birthday!

NWQM · 15/08/2019 15:08

Personally I'd be speaking to my son and making it clear that you give them free childcare because you love spending time with your grandchildren. Not only is it free to them but actually costs you real money as well as time. They need to show love back by stopping the sulking particularly over your birthday.

Lay it out.

Decide if you are prepared to go as far as saying if not you'll stop. B

supersop60 · 15/08/2019 15:09

No. That's my birthday. I am busy.