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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DIL wants me to look after DGS on my birthday

147 replies

nespressohno · 15/08/2019 14:41

I regularly look after DGS. I love it.

However, sometimes, I simply can't / don't want to. DIL and DS, work difficult shifts so they often need helping out beyond 3 days a week DGS is at nursery. They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development - he's only two and more time with family is better. It's also £40 per day.

However, soon it's my birthday! I have said to them I don't want to look after my DGS on my birthday as I'm planning something with friends.

But DIL is being moody with me because she has a work commitment and DGS will have been at nursery for three days already that week! DGS can go to nursery that day - an extra day won't harm her and the cost is actually less than the petrol cost it takes me to drive to their house (although I do not charge them petrol cost when I look after my DGS).

AIBU wanting to spend my birthday doing what I want to do? I am a grandma, not a professional childminder!

Why do they not respect my time... should I ask for a small amount of petrol contribution each time I look after DGS (it costs £25 as its 80 miles each way) so they take my time more seriously? Or is that mean?

OP posts:

Widgetsframe · 15/08/2019 16:04

The two things are separate, if you are happy to swallow the petrol costs then do, if not then mention it.

Stand firm on your birthday off, Let her sulk

5foot5 · 15/08/2019 16:05

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

Oh do belt up! It doesn't matter how old you are you can still want to have fun on your birthday. You, Hithere12 may have decided you are too old for that sort of thing but I can assure you that "most" people don't necessarily agree.

Anyway, the OP didn't say she was "making a big deal" of it she just said she was planning something with friends. Since when does acknowledging it is your birthday and wanting to do something to treat yourself count as "making a big deal"

Don't be so bloody patronising.

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 16:05

They are already taking the complete and utter piss out of you! To be honest I’d refuse to provide free childcare from now on because they have selfishly thrown a wobbly at you having your birthday off! They’re not your employer FFS!

To not offer you money for looking after your grandson (particularly travel) is the height of entitlement!

AlexaAmbidextra · 15/08/2019 16:06

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

Not everyone is a miserable git.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/08/2019 16:09

Beyond astounded that they expect no demand this of you OP. I would be having words and spelling out my position very firmly.They are beyond rude and are taking advantage of you very badly,They decided to be parents they should be parenting...I am sorry they are treating you so badly you are so not being unreasonable.

berryhigh · 15/08/2019 16:10

You are not being even a tiny bit unreasonable. You sounds like a wonderful grandma to drive 160 miles for a day of childcare. Not many grandparents would do that.

Your DIL sounds like a spoilt, sulky, ungrateful brat.

You need to have a word with your son and hope that their attitude improves.

Enjoy your birthday with friends.

catofdoom · 15/08/2019 16:14

My DS is nearly 6 and my mum has babysat once for an hour and dmil 3 times for a couple of hours. And we picked him up and dropped him off.

Tell your dil if it's harmful to his development then maybe she should have thought twice about having child if she couldn't devote the proper time to him.

Cheeky bastards.

Aria2015 · 15/08/2019 16:18

I wouldn't ask for petrol money off the back of this as it could cause a rift rather than serve the purpose of making them respect your time. Ask at a different time if you want / need it. Just explain that you have plans as it's your bday and that you would hope they understand as you look after GC as a favour and while you enjoy it, it's never nice to feel favours are taken for granted. It's a gentle reminder that you don't have to do it and hopefully if they feel so strongly about nursery, she’ll snap out of her sulk.

Limensoda · 15/08/2019 16:21

Your DiL sounds like mine. She works shifts and my son has to work away a lot.
I've been ill for a while so have not been able to look after my DGS. I was at their beck and call whenever they needed before I was ill. Now they moan they have to pay for him to go to a summer holidays club a few times a week.
It's opened my eyes because they don't even bother to keep in touch. It's me that phones them and makes all the effort.
I really miss my GS but until I'm available to look after him I doubt I will see him.
Enjoy your birthday.....and charge for fuel costs in future!

Fatasfooook · 15/08/2019 16:26

You are doing them a favour. You set the rules. They are taking the mick

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2019 16:27

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

ODFOD

dustarr73 · 15/08/2019 16:27

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

@Hithere12 The op can spend their birthday,anyway they want.She does loads for them.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/08/2019 16:27

Op is this a JOKE ?! if not they are ripping the PISS on a grand scale..

Go enjoy your Birthday with people who actually cherish you.

Iminthewrongstory · 15/08/2019 16:29

Of course, you are YANBU. Also this might be a good opportunity to talk about boundaries/expectations with them.

StrongTea · 15/08/2019 16:29

Their responsibility, not yours. Must be a nightmare in the darker mornings and evenings. To drive that distance then care for a wee one and then home again is far too much. You aren’t an employee, you are entitled to have plans.

Drabarni · 15/08/2019 16:32

YANBU, can her mum not help out a couple of days a week?
I never understand why they expect gp's to do free childcare.
Great if you volunteer as do I, for one day a week.
They are seriously taking the piss, have your birthday, and I hope you have a lovely day.
I'd speak to your son and tell him how much it costs and ask for half the fuel money, letting him know that's only half of what it costs.
Better still get them to do the travelling and have gd at your house.

sqirrelfriends · 15/08/2019 16:33

YANBU.

You go way out of your way to help her and this is the way she reacts when you can't for one day? Sounds very entitled to me.

Yabbers · 15/08/2019 16:34

They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development - he's only two and more time with family is better

How very noble of them. If it’s that important to them, why aren’t they using their own time to fill the gap?

YANBU. Tell them if they can’t respect your time, they need to find someone else. And yes, ask for petrol money. It’s the least they can do given you save them 40 quid a day.

messolini9 · 15/08/2019 16:35

@Shinyletsbebadguys has it so spot-on I am just gonna repost hers!
Please do this, OP! Your son & DiL need to grow up!

To be honest I'd be inclined to have a slightly more serious conversation after this. I'd be sitting down and saying that whilst I was happy in the past to help out DIL unreasonable sulky reaction to saying no once on my birthday has made me realise that you are feeling entitled and taking advantage of my time.

I'd then politely but firmly be making it crystal clear that this behaviour had affected how I saw the situation and it would not be acceptable ever again or frankly I would withdraw all childcare.

bluebeck · 15/08/2019 16:36

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

Speak for yourself Hithere but I am in my fifties and still have a "Birthday Month" during which I never ever work on my actual birthday (never have done in my life)

Maybe you think older women should just disappear and only leave the house when they are going to do something "useful".

OP is perfectly entitled to have a day out with her friends, birthday or not. It's up to the child's parents to arrange childcare - BOTH of them.

munemema · 15/08/2019 16:43

Unfortunately, I think if you start charging them to cover your expenses, they'll decide that actually, the extra days in nursery are not that bad after all.

But yes, you need to speak to your son. The childcare arrangements don't necessarily fall to his wife - she'd probably prefer she didn't have to resolve this either. He could always take a day's leave if she has something at work she can't change.

LovePoppy · 15/08/2019 16:45

They are being ridiculous

When do you have time for you?!

MzHz · 15/08/2019 16:47

You absolutely have to reframe this arrangement - you need to say to DIL that you are not a childcare arrangement, you are a GM and you are happy to help out on occasions that are convenient with you etc, but this huffing and puffing is absolutely out of order!

Tell her that you did not raise someone so entitled that they can't realise that you are HELPING and not SOLD INTO SERVITUDE. Likewise, you do not 'owe her' for anything.

TELL her it costs you a good chuck of cash every time you drive up to help her and if on top of this you are going to be guilt tripped and huffed at, that you will have to reassess your priorities.

If I were you I would also suggest to her that she looks into sourcing childcare that provides the care she needs and that you will offer to have GC as and when it's possible.

You have the cart pulling the horse here - you don't answer to your DD.

Embracelife · 15/08/2019 16:48

They are being ridiculous.
Child will be fine 5 days per week at nursery every week.
Nephew was at nursery from 9 months full time is top of the class age 10.

Kisskiss · 15/08/2019 16:48

Your DIL sounds a bit ungrateful and a PITA

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