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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL wants me to look after DGS on my birthday

147 replies

nespressohno · 15/08/2019 14:41

I regularly look after DGS. I love it.

However, sometimes, I simply can't / don't want to. DIL and DS, work difficult shifts so they often need helping out beyond 3 days a week DGS is at nursery. They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development - he's only two and more time with family is better. It's also £40 per day.

However, soon it's my birthday! I have said to them I don't want to look after my DGS on my birthday as I'm planning something with friends.

But DIL is being moody with me because she has a work commitment and DGS will have been at nursery for three days already that week! DGS can go to nursery that day - an extra day won't harm her and the cost is actually less than the petrol cost it takes me to drive to their house (although I do not charge them petrol cost when I look after my DGS).

AIBU wanting to spend my birthday doing what I want to do? I am a grandma, not a professional childminder!

Why do they not respect my time... should I ask for a small amount of petrol contribution each time I look after DGS (it costs £25 as its 80 miles each way) so they take my time more seriously? Or is that mean?

OP posts:
whattodowith · 15/08/2019 16:50

YANBU, they are using you and I’d argue taking advantage of you. I can’t actually fathom some people’s cheek...

MzHz · 15/08/2019 16:50

sorry, just realised that this is your DIL.

Wow! she has more front than Blackpool!

Tell her how it is, tell your SON that you are NOT a resource and that he and his wife need to provide care for your DGS and you will let them know if you're able to add into the mix.

I'd be so hurt and disappointed in my DS if he treated me like this or allowed his wife to. :(

GruciusMalfoy · 15/08/2019 16:50

They are cheeky fuckers, expecting you to drive 160 miles to do their childcare multiple times a week. Double CF levels for getting annoyed when you don't want to do it on your birthday.

I eye rolled at them not wanting DGS in nursery over 3 days per week for "developmental reasons". My arse! They just know you'll be around to save them money.

Limt · 15/08/2019 16:51

160 miles? OMG. Do they ever visit you OP?

Pancakeflipper · 15/08/2019 16:51

YaNBU to spend your birthday with friends.
The parents can either take annual leave for the day or pay for an extra nursery day.

But I am from the no family live near us so we just had to deal with childcare gang

merrygoround51 · 15/08/2019 16:51

I have experience of grandparents looking after grandparents so here is my tupennys worth.

YANBU to say you are unavailable as you are spending a day with your friends.

If you need the money for petrol ask for it but don't if you don't, its petty and payment changes the relationship.

If they want you to look after your GS on a weekly basis then this needs to be formalised and they do need to then look at paying you.

At the moment it is as a favour and I suggest that you leave it that way if it suits you and you dont need the money.

In my experience GP minding GC and getting paid changes the nature of the relationship. With my DC it has evolved into my DM getting paid £600 a month for 3 afternoons a week 2-6pm, and frankly I feel quite cross when she takes extra hols for short breaks etc.

On one hand at that age you are totally entitled to, but then you cant commit to looking after DC ( I would have no issue with my DM giving up her role but she doesn't want to)

So, see its a can of worms and I just wouldnt go there!

merrygoround51 · 15/08/2019 16:52

Grandparents looking after grandchildren I should have said!!!!

Toknowornot · 15/08/2019 16:53

Can you be my MIL?

Yanbu btw. Enjoy your birthday!

Limt · 15/08/2019 17:00

merrygoround £12 per hour to look after a grandchild? Another OMG from me.

BlingLoving · 15/08/2019 17:00

This day they want your help is an extra day? not one of your regular days? In which case, yes, I'm with the PP and they are being ridiculous (and please, don't fall into the trap of blaming just DIL. This is as much, if not more so, about your Ds than your DIL).

The petrol, time etc is a red herring and irrelevant in this context. However, if you have been feeling that the cost and effort of looking after your DGS is a problem, then you should separately be having this conversation with them.

Batshittery · 15/08/2019 17:05

YANBU. You obv do more than enough. Enjoy your birthday. DIL is a cheeky fucker - as is the poster who suggested you are too old to make something of a birthday Hmm

MustShowDH · 15/08/2019 17:05

Bloody hell, I feel guilty asking my parents to look after my daughter once every 6 months when I go to the hospital - and they only live 2 miles away. My child, my childcare issue!
Tell your son to wind his neck in!

Have a wonderful birthday doing exactly what you want.

Seahawk80 · 15/08/2019 17:05

Yanbu!! We are very lucky to have grandparent help 1.5 days a week and we really appreciate it. My mum travels about as far as you - maybe a bit further but does look after 2 sets of grandchildren. We don't give her petrol money (she wouldn't take it) but we always always work around her and I would never expect her or MIL to co e on their birthdays! Would also never treat my MIL like that and be moody. It's rude and entitled for your DIL to behave like this.

tillytrotter1 · 15/08/2019 17:08

A friend does about 50 miles each way twice a week to look after her grandchild. When she said it was two days I thought they'd be consecutive and she would sleep over but apparently this doesn't suit her daughter's agenda!

youarenotkiddingme · 15/08/2019 17:10

Yanbu.

My parents live 10 mins drive away and I've never expected childcare off them. They will help if I'm stuck but I wouldn't ask for regular care as it limits them.
I'll also take ds to them if needs be.

They love spending time with him and DN. but they are grandparents and not childminders as you say.

Ds is older now and we are meeting them Monday as it's birthday and we are eating out. I will offer to pay too.
Yesterday we went out for a family day and my dad paid for DGC to do something each. Didn't ask or expect it.

Family should be about respecting each other's independence as well as quality time together.

merrygoround51 · 15/08/2019 17:12

Limt I know!
I didnt begrudge it when children were small, i was grateful to have someone loving minding them. I paid approx £800 pm for 4 full days incl when they went to nursery (2DC)

Now i feel DM should suggest a lower amount but she isnt so I really dont know what to do, I am not comfortable suggesting less, silly I know.

AwdBovril · 15/08/2019 17:15

Unless it's exceedingly obvious it would be a lie, perhaps tell them you are actually struggling to pay for the petrol & ask them to contribute in future (on an ongoing basis) - they might actually realise the value of what you are doing for them. Or tell them you arestarting to feel unwell due to how tired the long day makes you, or something? You are allowed to say no, just as they are allowed to ask. They are not allowed to insist, however.

Regarding the issue of your birthday, just tell them you have plans, & that you'd naturally presumed they wouldn't ask you on that day. They will need to find alternative care.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/08/2019 17:16

Go out with friends! Bb

Gobbolinocat · 15/08/2019 17:17

Op it's a shame they can't understand that you have your own life and bday plans.
In this context it's ridiculous. Some mils don't lift a finger to help their family out. Maybe get them to read mumsnet.

Be gentle, say normally you would love to have her but you have plans and don't want negativity on your bday.

It's unfair! One day extra in a row it's nothing!!

Hangingwithmygnomies · 15/08/2019 17:18

YADNBU!! We are very fortunate that my DM and PIL help with childcare on the days I work and if one can't do their "set" days we ask the other and if they can't do it then that's our tough luck and we have to sort it between DH and I! I would certainly never expect either of them to drive 80 miles each way to do so either. Your DIL is sounding an ungrateful cow to be honest. It doesn't matter if it's your birthday or not - you've told them you're not available and that should be that. Saying it's detremental to his developement being in nursery more then 3 days per week is complete tripe and I think they're using that excuse to try and emotionally manipulate you into the childcare. Stand you ground OP you're not being mean at all

Bookworm4 · 15/08/2019 17:20

I am stunned at the GPs being paid £6/800pm to mind their own GC😱
Did they ask for the money? Is it instead of working?

GoGoGoGoGo · 15/08/2019 17:21

You are fully entitled to spend your birthday however you like.

Your DGS will be perfectly fine going to nursery for another day. Your DIL will have to just get a fucking grip.

merrygoround51 · 15/08/2019 17:23

Bookworm My DM had given up work at this stage, she wouldn't have much and i suppose this is kind of subsidising her. She is good to us, its just money changes things and the OP should be hyper aware of this

BikeRunSki · 15/08/2019 17:30

YANBU at all! And your son and dil should be covering your petrol costs! And respect your occasional adjustments to your very generous routine hours!

We live 100s miles away from DM or my PiL, so grandparent childcare has never been an option, even if the grandparents were keen and willing. My dc are nearly 11 and 8 now, and I can count (gratefully) on the fingers of one hand how many holiday/weekend days my children’s GPs have looked after them.

What I have noticed amongst my local friends who have used GPs in lieu of some/all of their professional childcare needs, is that the arrangement always breaks down when the child’s parents begin to “take the mick” with the grandparents’ time/feelings/other arrangements. IME it’s usually the child-in-law that rocks the boat. The relationship between the adults is usually shaken up too.

From a distance I have a observed that - for stability of childcare and to preserve the relationship with the grandparents/in laws - childcare should be provided by professional childcarers, and grandparents should be reserved for babysitting. Occasionally!!

Ninkaninus · 15/08/2019 17:31

@merrygoround51 I think you probably ought to bite the bullet and tell her straight out that you can no longer pay that amount. If you want to be kind you could give her two months notice so she can adjust her living expenses and cut her cloth accordingly. That really is quite a ridiculous amount of money and as your children get older I’m sure some of that could come in handy for them or you!