Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL wants me to look after DGS on my birthday

147 replies

nespressohno · 15/08/2019 14:41

I regularly look after DGS. I love it.

However, sometimes, I simply can't / don't want to. DIL and DS, work difficult shifts so they often need helping out beyond 3 days a week DGS is at nursery. They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development - he's only two and more time with family is better. It's also £40 per day.

However, soon it's my birthday! I have said to them I don't want to look after my DGS on my birthday as I'm planning something with friends.

But DIL is being moody with me because she has a work commitment and DGS will have been at nursery for three days already that week! DGS can go to nursery that day - an extra day won't harm her and the cost is actually less than the petrol cost it takes me to drive to their house (although I do not charge them petrol cost when I look after my DGS).

AIBU wanting to spend my birthday doing what I want to do? I am a grandma, not a professional childminder!

Why do they not respect my time... should I ask for a small amount of petrol contribution each time I look after DGS (it costs £25 as its 80 miles each way) so they take my time more seriously? Or is that mean?

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 15/08/2019 15:27

Oh and you DIL sulky behaviour is bang out of order too

venusandmars · 15/08/2019 15:27

Why is this about DIL?

What about your ds's role in all of this? Is he passive? Does he leave all the childcare arrangements to your dil? Can your ds not take one day off work to look after his own dc so that his dm can enjoy her birthday?

I think the problem here is your ds.

billy1966 · 15/08/2019 15:27

OP, your son and Dil are making an awful food of you

Think on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/08/2019 15:29

I assume the DS isn't being moody and the DIL is. Unless that's not it.

messolini9 · 15/08/2019 15:33

They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development

Well, la di dah.
The time to consider that would have been prior to his conception.
"Realising" afterwards, then deciding you are the one to pick up their slack, is beyond unreasonable.
You are being played, don't stand for it. You already help out a lot.

"But DIL is being moody with me ..."
Yeah, I bet she is. Her emotional blackmail is starting to fail, so she is trying another technique to manipulate you into compliance.
She sounds like a sulky, selfish, irresponsible brat.
She needs to learn that her MiL has a life, & that is certainly doesn't include cancelling her own birthday because DiL failed to plan for childcare.

Peanutbuttericecream · 15/08/2019 15:36

I think you're amazing OP. You have helped your DS and DIL so much and your DGC has benefited so much from your kindness. I feel very sad that they don't appreciate how much you're helping them. They are unbelievable, in the way they are taking advantage of you.

I think you should book plenty of time off, throughout the year. Tell them in advance which weeks you're busy and stick to it.

Redred2429 · 15/08/2019 15:36

Yanbu they are taking advantage

Drum2018 · 15/08/2019 15:37

You've already told them you're not available. Do not refer to it again. Let DIL sulk all she wants. As for driving a 160 mile round trip to mind your DGS - that's nuts! They have some nerve expecting you to do that, especially without any travel costs. Their child is their responsibility and their expectiation that family should help mind him is extremely selfish. If you really want to continue helping them out then I'd be telling them both that you simply cannot afford the regular cost of fuel to get to their house and back.

messolini9 · 15/08/2019 15:40

Why do they not respect my time...
Odd one that, innit OP, as they clearly respect the nursery's time enough to pay $30 for the privilege. Yet expect you to do it for free. While paying your own expenses.

should I ask for a small amount of petrol contribution each time I look after DGS (it costs £25 as its 80 miles each way) so they take my time more seriously?
Yes! But don;t you DARE do it on your birthday OP! You already have plans - & if you cave today, DiL will play you for a sucker again & again.

Or is that mean?
Nope.
Using you for free childcare is mean.
Expecting you to jump whenever they beckon is mean.
Expecting YOU to pay more (fuel) than what it would cost them in childcare, so that THEY get a free service, is mean.
Sulking when you have other plans is mean.
Not respecting your birthday is mean.

You are going to sit down with the pair of them & help them to understand how much childcare they ARE getting - free! - & to let go with the harping on about what they perceive they are not getting.

messolini9 · 15/08/2019 15:41

$30 - eh? ooops! - I meant £40.

doginthemanger · 15/08/2019 15:42

There are so many threads on MN claiming that grandparents are too selfish to help out. It's quite annoying that that's considered the norm, when in fact the OP's situation is not unusual at all.

I have four different friends in their late sixties who drive this distance once or twice a week to look after young grandchildren. That's as well as the others whose grandchildren live a bit closer.

They all are delighted to do it for the bond it gives them with the children and the money it saves the families, but are appreciated by their DD/DDiL, as far as I can see.

OP, of course you're entitled to tell them you won't be available that day. Whether you want to ask for a contribution for petrol, I don't know. You would be perfectly justified but there would certainly be no harm in pointing out to them just how much it is costing you, not only financially but tiredness from the driving and childcare.

Beautiful3 · 15/08/2019 15:45

They're very lucky to have you. I cannot believe how far you travel?! How can you afford that kind of money on fuel?! I would say the cars out of action to give yourself a break and make them use the nursery Instead. When you're ready to, offer to babysit date nights once a fortnight. You're being emotionally blackmailed into doing too much already. Enjoy your birthday.

Ifnobodytalks · 15/08/2019 15:45

Are you sure DIL is being moody with you? And that it is because of this? Could she just be generally tired or stressed and it's not about you at all? (My mum sometimes struggles to assert her own needs and thus I think sees a reaction where I'm not sure there is one.)

It's also not clear whether you choose to provide the level of childcare that you enjoy it and choose - or because they need it. If you are feeling resentful have you overcommitted?

Hanab · 15/08/2019 15:46

The very least they could do is reimburse you for your fuel!

They are taking advantage of you OP .. if they lived a few minutes walk or drive away I would say it’s grand that you ate helping out.. however this is CF’ry if I ever seen it 🌷

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/08/2019 15:47

What does your son say,
OP?

Peoniesandcats · 15/08/2019 15:48

One of them needs to take a day off if they don't want to send their child to nursery. Enjoy your birthday!

SinkGirl · 15/08/2019 15:51

This makes me really angry just reading it.

MIL has just babysat recently while we went out for dinner, first time ever. Our twins are 3 next month. They’ve met her four or five times (she lives about 120 miles away).

Your DIL is taking the absolute piss. She doesn’t know how lucky she is.

Juells · 15/08/2019 15:52

80 miles each way!? I'd be inclined to mention to your son that the sulking (without using that word) has made you look again at all the driving and how much it's costing you in petrol. Seems to me that your DiL might have shot herself in the foot.

A good friend knocks herself out helping with her grandchildren, and not only has she never had a word of thanks, access to them is used as emotional blackmail. If you don't value yourself and your time, nobody else will.

I know it's difficult, but for your own sake you should try not being so accommodating. You're not a dogsbody.

TimeForNewStart · 15/08/2019 15:52

Is she definitely being moody with you, have you asked her about it?

Badtasteflump · 15/08/2019 15:53

You sound lovely OP and your son & DIL are lucky to have you.

But they are taking the piss. You are not their unpaid skivvy, you are doing them a huge favour and they need to realise that. I would sit down with both of them and say you love looking after your DGC and want to continue doing so, but you feel hurt that they have reacted the way they have about your plans for your birthday. Whether you want to start charging them for petrol is up to you, but it wouldn’t hurt to point out that you do all that for free.

Hopefully it will give them the kick up the arse they need.

FFSFFSFFS · 15/08/2019 15:53

Why aren't you annoyed with your son but only with your DIL?

strawberrypenguin · 15/08/2019 15:53

Wow you're amazing to go that far for childcare! They'll have to get over themselves and put DGS in Nursery more.

ElstreeViaduct · 15/08/2019 15:54

Yes I think asking for a petrol contribution would be fine.

Fine not to have her on your birthday. However you also said "but sometimes I don't want to". If it's even a handful of times a year, they may end up putting her in nursery more and you'll see her less as it can be very difficult to cover such gaps. My eldest went to Granny's most Mondays and we could just about juggle it, but when DC2 came along we admitted defeat and moved them both to FT nursery. So be a bit careful what you wish for if you genuinely like having her.

The option of extra nursery days ad hoc is a pretty rare commodity, especially once they get their funded hours.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 15/08/2019 15:56

The only thing I would add is why is this all about DIL being a CF? Where is your son, the child's father in all of this?

This. Shame he won't take on childcare commitments on this day for your DIL and support her work/career.

Why is this always the way?

SunnivaGunne · 15/08/2019 15:57

My parents live 80 miles away and as a result they visit twice, maximum 3 times, a year! They have baby set my (now teenagers) twice ever. We have a good relationship but they have busy lives and we respect that. They have also been retired 20 years and are in their mid 70's.

I think some people, when given an inch, take a mile. It seems to be that way with your relatives . Value your time more (by being available only when it really suits you and they will hopefully learn to value your time too.