Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

DIL wants me to look after DGS on my birthday

147 replies

nespressohno · 15/08/2019 14:41

I regularly look after DGS. I love it.

However, sometimes, I simply can't / don't want to. DIL and DS, work difficult shifts so they often need helping out beyond 3 days a week DGS is at nursery. They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development - he's only two and more time with family is better. It's also £40 per day.

However, soon it's my birthday! I have said to them I don't want to look after my DGS on my birthday as I'm planning something with friends.

But DIL is being moody with me because she has a work commitment and DGS will have been at nursery for three days already that week! DGS can go to nursery that day - an extra day won't harm her and the cost is actually less than the petrol cost it takes me to drive to their house (although I do not charge them petrol cost when I look after my DGS).

AIBU wanting to spend my birthday doing what I want to do? I am a grandma, not a professional childminder!

Why do they not respect my time... should I ask for a small amount of petrol contribution each time I look after DGS (it costs £25 as its 80 miles each way) so they take my time more seriously? Or is that mean?

OP posts:

fuzzyduck1 · 15/08/2019 17:33

They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development

What a lot of tosh. My friends kid went to nursery from the age of 1 and he’s a lovely little chap very independent and thoughtful of others and there feelings.

Relationshipsajoke · 15/08/2019 17:34

Yanbu. My mum would look after my kids on her birthday if I needed her too....but your dil doesn’t NEED you to! Tell her to bugger off

pennow · 15/08/2019 17:36

Yanbu when my DM used to have my children I paid her a nominal amount about 5pounds an hour to recognize that she was using her fuel and she used to always be taking them places for lunch etc with friend. It's your birthday so you should do want you want to. It's important to go out with your friends.

C0untDucku1a · 15/08/2019 17:36

You've already said no. It is not your responsibility to make their arrangements for them. Leave them to it.

However, you do know your son is a parent too right? With parental responsibilities, like looking after and finding childcare for his child. I deal with my parents, dh deals sith his. Id be mighty pissed off if i found out my mil was blaming me for something when it was either both of us or dh!

thecatinthetwat · 15/08/2019 17:40

If your dil has a work commitment, why can’t your ds look after dgc?

Why is it only you or her? Does your ds not pitch in?

Ragwort · 15/08/2019 17:41

Shocking of your DS & DIL to expect you to drive a 160 mile round trip so that they don’t have to pay for childcare .

And for those of you who say plenty of grandparents enjoy doing this sort of thing, I am not so sure, quite a few of my friends provide childcare for grandchildren and they all feel ‘taken for granted’ but daren’t say anything for fear of falling out with their adult children or not being allowed to see their grandchildren.

KurriKurri · 15/08/2019 17:41

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

Good grief - she wants a day out with friends not a New York Ticker Tape Parade. Why do some people think that the minute you get to a certain age you are not allowed to experience even the mildest degree of pleasure or enjoyment ?

OP - Your DS and DIL have been taking advantage of you for some time, you are in fact left out of pocket by providing them with childcare, I think you should point this out to them and tell them they are hurt by their lack of respect and taking you for granted. If they want to continue this arrangement, which is very convenient for them, they should start being appreciative of the huge favour you are doing them.

NoSauce · 15/08/2019 17:41

Do you have him twice a week then? Out of pocket £200 a month?

LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh · 15/08/2019 17:44

Tell them you are having qualms about the environmental impact of your journeys! Maybe they should move nearer, to make your life easier ;-)

80sMum · 15/08/2019 17:45

Good God! Of course YANBU!

You drive 320 miles every week in order to look after your grandchild? Are you aware that that is actually costing you about £144 a week? Taking into account mileage, wear and tear on the car, servicing costs etc it's reckoned that car travel costs about 45p per mile.

You would be better off just paying your DIL the £80 for 2 days nursery fees!

NoSauce · 15/08/2019 17:55

You would be better off just paying your DIL the £80 for 2 days nursery fees!

DIL and presumably DS don’t want want him nursery for more than 3 days a week hence the OP looking after him.

Bookworm4 · 15/08/2019 18:00

@nosauce
They’re want isn’t the point here, they are saving money at the detriment of the OP in time and money and seem to take it for granted.
This isn’t for the child’s welfare it’s for their pocket; they save ££ but cost OP £100s

womenspeakout · 15/08/2019 18:01

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

Lord, this is rude of you.

Who are you to tell people that they shouldn't wish to have a day to celebrate, and also, a lot of people like to celebrate as they get older, marking every year we are alive.

If people didn't make a fuss, past a certain age, why do people have celebrations on their 70th?

Isn't a bit sad to not think people should celebrate? My friend celebrates every year since her father died, it's a year she's been blessed with.

WaxOnFeckOff · 15/08/2019 18:02

I'm not really a big one for birthdays, however the reason doesn't matter, you can't do it that day because you have other plans.

I'd understand if they had no other options and you hadn't given them notice.

We all want to do nice things for our DC and you enjoy the time you spend with your grandchild but it's not fair to take you for granted and be an arse about you wanting to have a day off.

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 15/08/2019 18:11

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

And the award for ageist post of the week goes to .....

Do you seriously think life stops when you get to 40,50, 60, 70, 80? I could go on. Enjoying life is not restricted to the young: whatever 'young' actually means

NoSauce · 15/08/2019 18:12

I’m just going off what the OP has said. It could be a way for them to save money or it could be that they don’t want him in nursery 5 days a week. The OP should be paid for petrol costs at least.

LadyCarolinePooterVonThigh · 15/08/2019 18:20

I think they should factor in the possibility of you being ill or overtired, and accept they need a backup plan.

Some friends of ours did pretty much what you have done, similar distance and days. They loved spending time with their grandchild, and in their case ds and dil were very appreciative. Sadly the free childcare tap was switched off when one of them took ill and died within the space of months. Not to be gloomy, of course, but it is a lot to expect of an older person.

You could get absolutely hammered on your birthday, and be unfit to drive for at least a week! I can see why they are worrying ;-)

BikeRunSki · 15/08/2019 20:21

Could you not do your 3 days with your DS consecutively and stay over the night in between, to reduce driving time and fuel consumption?

Jamiefraserskilt · 15/08/2019 21:05

If either set of parents looked after mine, I delivered them. I did not expect them to be collected!
She is being unreasonable. Much as you love your gs you also have a life and have had your kids. The parents need to stop being so precious and put him in an extra day. Such is the responsibility of a working parent. Mine were in 5 days and are balanced and sociable.
Enjoy your birthday with your friends!

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 15/08/2019 21:12

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

Ageist and joyless. You sound delightful.

YANBU, OP, and DS and DIL are taking the piss.

MzHz · 16/08/2019 13:18

What’s with the birthday celebration critics?

Op has said her friends want to do something with her on her birthday- she’s hardly hiring a hall and packing party bags!

If people want to spend time together to honour a birthday and the birthday person wants to spend time with them then why on earth not? Why on earth would a son or daughter or in law get huffy? They are CFs the pair of them.

I hope they get the absolute riot act read to them.

notmuchmoretogive · 16/08/2019 21:30

I think he did mean an essay, to analyse your life and think about your choices, where you've gone right/wrong and what support you needed at that time.

It's interesting as I'm atheist but I am a school governor at a C of E school. One of our foundation governors applied and failed to become a vicar in later life. She's so dedicated and I wonder why (whereas the actual vicar is a bit rubbish). She seems to talking about it before she's been accepted but maybe a life changing decisions something you talk about.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread