Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DIL wants me to look after DGS on my birthday

147 replies

nespressohno · 15/08/2019 14:41

I regularly look after DGS. I love it.

However, sometimes, I simply can't / don't want to. DIL and DS, work difficult shifts so they often need helping out beyond 3 days a week DGS is at nursery. They don't like to send DGS to nursery more than 3 days a week because they feel it's not good for his development - he's only two and more time with family is better. It's also £40 per day.

However, soon it's my birthday! I have said to them I don't want to look after my DGS on my birthday as I'm planning something with friends.

But DIL is being moody with me because she has a work commitment and DGS will have been at nursery for three days already that week! DGS can go to nursery that day - an extra day won't harm her and the cost is actually less than the petrol cost it takes me to drive to their house (although I do not charge them petrol cost when I look after my DGS).

AIBU wanting to spend my birthday doing what I want to do? I am a grandma, not a professional childminder!

Why do they not respect my time... should I ask for a small amount of petrol contribution each time I look after DGS (it costs £25 as its 80 miles each way) so they take my time more seriously? Or is that mean?

OP posts:
TheGrapefulDread · 15/08/2019 15:09

Do not cave, have a lovely birthday 🎂 🍾 Flowers

nutbrownhare15 · 15/08/2019 15:10

Wow. She should be grateful for any childcare you can do. If she's stroppy about the 3 days then it's up to her or ds to change work hours isn't it? That's what we've done as a couple. It's not your problem and one week/day would make zero difference. I'd really call her out on this if you can in order to show how ungrateful she's being. Can you talk to your ds and ask why she's upset with you? I'd also use this as the catalyst for getting petrol money to show where ingratitude leads. It's really not on. The only caveat would be if Dil might get in a bigger huff and/or make your access to dgs tricky in future.

EerieSilence · 15/08/2019 15:10

Are you seriously asking?
It's your birthday, enjoy it the way you like.
They are definitely taking the piss. Don't budge. Also, they should be contributing to your petrol, you're the Grandma, not some unpaid nanny.

AJPTaylor · 15/08/2019 15:12

In your shoes I would take this as an opportunity to be a little less available generally.

Travis1 · 15/08/2019 15:12

YANBU and I would be asking for a contribution to petrol costs. 80 miles each way ffs

Durgasarrow · 15/08/2019 15:12

You have been EXTREMELY generous. And if the child is going to be suffering developmentally from an extra day in daycare, then the parents need to take a good long look at themselves and figure out how they can cut back on their expenses so they can afford the lifestyle they want and take care of their child the way they see fit without inconveniencing other people. Daughter in law is very confused about who is responsible about who is responsible for her child.

Iloveacurry · 15/08/2019 15:13

Let her suck. Stick to your birthday plans.

WhyBirdStop · 15/08/2019 15:13

It's entirely up to you. DM and MIL will be having DS one day a week each when I go back to work and MIL had offered more but I felt it was a bit cheeky as she lives over an hour away, DH and I will be covering two days between us (both consolidating hours) so that leaves one day at nursery. One of the weeks DM's day will be her birthday, I immediately said I'd book him in an extra day at nursery or ask MIL to help out and she was insistent that she wanted to spend her birthday with her 'favourite boy' and I'm going to make sure to send him with an extra special gift and will probably bake her a cake.

There's no hard and fast rule with family childcare, BUT you are entitled to set your boundaries (I don't mean being flaky and dropping out last minute etc) and she should be grateful for the help you are giving her, she sounds very entitled.

Topseyt · 15/08/2019 15:14

They are cheeky fuckers and taking the piss. You enjoy your birthday, and DON'T back down.

I can't believe you drive 80 miles each way on such a regular basis!! That is going above and beyond what most people would be willing to do. Your DS and DIL clearly have no idea just how lucky they are.

Ninkaninus · 15/08/2019 15:15

80 miles? And they don’t pay your petrol??

They’re taking the piss. They ought to at least be paying you for your petrol! It’s all good and well that they want him to be with family two days a week but it’s absolutely ridiculous that they’re not paying for that privilege. And then to be moody and whinging because you want to relax, chill and celebrate on your birthday? CFers!

PieAndPumpkins · 15/08/2019 15:15

You drive 80 miles each way and foot the fuel bill to boot?! Ah no, they're taking advantage of you. You should definitely feel able to ask for fuel contribution, and put DIL and DS in their place about your birthday. DIL is being very selfish, I 100% think it's about nursery costs not your grandson being in nursery one extra day. Happy birthday Flowers

womenspeakout · 15/08/2019 15:16

They are kind of taking the piss with you already, 80 miles each way is help far to travel multiple times a week for this.

They need to sort out their care arrangements and not take the piss with you, or pay you if you're fine doing it, because this is too much, they're not valuing your time or your life. You're entitled to have time for yourself, especially on your birthday!

You've had and raised your own children, it's time you can do as you please when you want to.

dollydaydream114 · 15/08/2019 15:16

You're the grandmother, not the au pair! You can do what you like on your own birthday and you're not obliged to give up half your week on a regular basis for free to look after children that someone else chose to have. Your son and his wife are taking the piss even regardless of the birthday issue.

Have a lovely birthday, child-free!

Hithere12 · 15/08/2019 15:17

However, soon it's my birthday! I have said to them I don't want to look after my DGS on my birthday as I'm planning something with friends

Aren’t you a bit old to still care about birthdays lol. Yanbu you can do what you like but most people stop making a big deal of their birthday when they get older.

Areyoufree · 15/08/2019 15:17

Your son and DIL do not properly appreciate you. You should adopt me and my family instead.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/08/2019 15:18

I think there are a few issues

The fact they've asked you on your birthday

The fact when is sulking when you have declined even though you've been entirely reasonable. I understand their reluctance not to put him in nursery every day but one extra day on one week is neither here nor there.

The wider fact that they are completely taking advantage of you. Its their choice not to put their kid in nursery for more than three days, but they haven't actually done anything to sort an alternative, and are making it your responsibility to sort out. They are completely taking advantage of you. Although lots of people dont pay the GP, some do, and the vast majority make sure they are not out of pocket (pay travel expenses or actually take their child to your house, pay for food or tske food with them, pay for clubs or days out etc). You already do so much for them and instead of being massively grateful, they are sulking that you are not doing even more!?

I think I would have a chat with them. It can be done nicely, emphasise how much you enjoy spending time with your grandson but you dont feel they appreciate how much you are doing for them and how much money you are saving them and how much its costing you

TixieLix · 15/08/2019 15:18

So not only is it costing you £50 per week in petrol, you're also putting over 300 miles on your clock each week, so your car/tyres etc will be wearing out quicker. I'd definitely be asking for a contribution.

Do you look after your GC on two consecutive days OP? If so maybe consider staying over so that you only have two trips instead of four.

On this occasion however stand firm and say no, you have plans for your birthday. An extra day at nursery as a one off is not going to harm their child.

WhyBirdStop · 15/08/2019 15:19

The only thing I would add is why is this all about DIL being a CF? Where is your son, the child's father in all of this?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 15/08/2019 15:20

Making a big deal of your birthday is things like demanding expensive presents, expecting people to travel to your party/ meal, having multiple celebrations etc. Not wanting to look after someone elses child on your birthday isn't making a big deal of your birthday!

womenspeakout · 15/08/2019 15:21

I was just thinking, that's 160 miles you do, multiple times a week, plus looking after a toddler.

This sounds absolutely exhausting for you!

When I had to pick up my puppy from the breeders a few years ago it was 180 miles round trip and it was exhausting, as it was other times we've travelled a lot in one day.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 15/08/2019 15:21

To be honest I'd be inclined to have a slightly more serious conversation after this. I'd be sitting down and saying that whilst I was happy in the past to help out DIL unreasonable sulky reaction to saying no once on my birthday has made me realise that you are feeling entitled and taking advantage of my time.

I'd then politely but firmly be making it crystal clear that this behaviour had affected how I saw the situation and it would not be acceptable ever again or frankly I would withdraw all childcare.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 15/08/2019 15:25

If Nursery was free or cheaper they would have him in their every bloody day the cheeky gits!!
Because of our economy The country is full of kids in full time nursery and they are all turning out just fine
Offer to give them the £40 for the day at nursery and you will soon have your answer!! ( btw they shouldn’t take the money off you !!!!)

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 15/08/2019 15:25

YANBU. That attitude would have me withdrawing all care unless they could do drop off and pick up

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/08/2019 15:26

I'd be saying, "it's upset me a lot that you are reacting this way to me not taking DGS on my birthday. This arrangement costs me ? a week and saves you ? a week every week. And I don't complain. So if I want a day off on my birthday, you need to respect that. And be a bit more bloody grateful because Terry's mum has done about 7 days in 8 years " Maybe not that last part.

bluebeck · 15/08/2019 15:27

YANBU

However, I agree with PP, how is this all DILs fault? Where is your DS in this?

Swipe left for the next trending thread