to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

[MatildaWormwood8]

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

I have been the OW so I get where your coming from. If I was being treated like you are by the SIL I would tell her to shut up and fuck right off.....how dare she threat you this way....who the fuck does she think she is....I wouldn't ask DH to talk to her. Maybe next time you call her out on this in front if all the family and say right....obvs I don't know her name ....let's say Jane.....so right Jane let's get this sorted once and for all in front of the family.....why is it that you are the only one here who feels the need to make nasty snide comments......it's juvenile and pathetic....explain in front of all the family why you do this.....and see what she has to say for herself....don't be a walk over....she needs putting in her place....I am raging on your behalf

You made your bed....if she still has a beef up to her I wouldn't respect any woman that did what you did.

I'm genuinely interested, @MardyMavis - what is it that you think the OP "did"? Have you actually RTFT, or are you just bandwaggoning with the sanctimonious idiot crew?

Does she say this stuff in front of your children?

I would let rip. Maybe that would stop her once and for all. Her behaviour is disgusting. Also weird and boring.

'I'm concerned you haven't got over your brothers affair despite it being 17 years ago sil. Have you considered discussing the issue with your therapist?'

I'm not sure it'll stop until you call her out... as in blow your top. Stop letting her get away with this. The drama was long ago and everyone needs to move on. Does she make these comments when your children are around?

You will always be the other woman.
SIL obviously has an issue with the affair and is taking it out on you rather than her brother.

Does she say this stuff in front of your children? That is beyond awful.

Next time she says something your dh needs to stand up, look at her and say "enough of this shit. You aren't funny, you are horribly offensive and I'm not listening to it or subjecting my wife to it. Come on Matilda we are going home and we won't be back until sister can behave herself like a normal human being" and then get up and go.

I can't believe some of the replies to you - comparing your crime to murder, barely veiled hopes that your dh will cheat on you. People are nuts.

No she doesn’t make the comments in front of my DCs. She is very hands on with them, they love her actually but I’m worried as they get older and are able to comprehend that she might turn nasty and involve them.

I’m going to say something the next time we see her if she makes a dig, no doubt she will...

Cheaters lie and minimise. I wonder what he told his family about the part you played early on.
She's free to despise you but are you sure what she was told about you was the unvarnished truth? Maybe that's why your husband is reluctant to get the whole thing sorted. He hasn't exactly covered himself in glory either way.

user1492809438
You did a dreadful thing. Being young is no excuse. SIL is right to hold you in contempt, but she should include her brother as well. He is equally guilty.

and you are a sanctimonious git. Let He/She who has commited no sin and all. You are appalling. Seriously. Take a look at yourself and stop being so judgemental.

She needs to get over it and grow up. I was cheated on 17 years ago. I wasn't married, but we had bought a house, were engaged, the wedding was booked and the invites had gone out. It crushed me. While I thought the pair of them were twats and I'd never be friends with her, I always put most of the blame on him. Seventeen years later I've moved on, I'm very happily married to someone else and I can even say that if their marriage has lasted 17 years perhaps they were well suited and much better together than we were. I certainly think my husband is a much better match for me than my ex was. You just wreck your own life if you sit their seething and being bitter for decades. And I'm not saying I didn't go through the pain and anger at the time or for a few years after, but fgs!

I think I would stop creeping round her, just reply "will you grow up and pack it in with your snidey comments. It was 17 years ago, move on!" So what if she strops. She's still doing it when you try and ignore it.

OP please read messolini posts, she writes sense.

You are not the other woman. You had a drunken kiss and confessed to liking a married man. If someone were to kiss me it would not motivate me to leave my marriage.

People fall out of love, it happens, your DH ended his marriage, this was his choice. He did not leave his ex for you, he left because his feelings for his ex had changed.

Your SIL is behaving in an appalling way, this is bullying, pure and simple. I am not a violent person but I think I would have slapped her senseless after 17 years of tolerating this absolute rubbish.

Please let yourself off the hook. You have carried a burden of guilt that you do not deserve. One drunken kiss does not end a happy marriage.

I think she sounds ridiculous. I’d try to ignore her as much as possible.

Maybe the SIL is friendly with the ex wife?
She doesn't like you, so just move on.

Another one who hasn’t read the thread.

Sometimes I think people would love if they could stone adulterers in the street.

I’d have been tempted to shove the cake into SIL’s face! Op, you have the patience of a saint to put up with the comments for 17 YEARS. You have to stand up for yourself because clearly nobody else in the family is prepared to put SIL in her place. Do you really want someone who is so rude and nasty towards you, being a part in your children’s lives?

Some people need things spelt out. Just tell her she's very rude and upsetting and please stop. If she doesn't you will have to cut down visits etc. Also point out her brother was no saint.

Does she equally berate her brother with snide digs about how he cheated on his wife?

Agree with @PoppyFleur @messolini9 post are awesome but also the whole of Poppy's post is so true! You need to forgive yourself and not let this horrible woman treat you this way! A drunken kiss isn't an affair

Agree with @PoppyFleur @messolini9 post are awesome but also the whole of Poppy's post is so true! You need to forgive yourself and not let this horrible woman treat you this way! A drunken kiss isn't an affair

Agree with @PoppyFleur @messolini9 post are awesome but also the whole of Poppy's post is so true! You need to forgive yourself and not let this horrible woman treat you this way! A drunken kiss isn't an affair

How about a simple and confident

“I want you to stop right now”

My father had an affair and left. Privately his wife will always be the OW but to her face I would never say anything and am friendly and civil. Overtime my feelings have softened over the whole thing but I'll never forget the fact they did what they did. So I think she's not very nice to being open about things and calling you the OW but these things really do stick around in peoples head and hearts no matter how long you've been together or how happy you are I'm afraid.

FGS, OP, one drunken kiss does not make you the OW! As PP have said, your DH left his ex because he realised his feelings for her had changed, not because he was having a hot and torrid affair with you! Your SIL is a bully and you are letting her away with it because you obviously carry a lot of guilt. She is not your designated hair shirt, get her told! It sounds like she has simply taken against you and is using anything she can to torment you. That doesn't mean she is right.

but I’m worried as they get older and are able to comprehend that she might turn nasty and involve them.

So am I, OP. It's not like she hasn't got form for slagging off all & sundry, sorry, only half the population as she appears to reserve her ill-informed ire for females.

You have some great suggestion upthread, but I do understand it is hard to confront an ongoing, insidious problem like this - especially the first time.

However - & this IS meant kindly - you have inadvertently enabled SiL vile behaviour for nearly 2 decades, & that has handed her carte blanche to keep the digs up as if you deserved them. You also seem to have bought into the myth that YOU are some kind of homewrecker. You know you're not, right? Are you sure? Then why are you tolerating this shit?!

It's great that you have taken the first step by coming on here to air your views in preparation for making changes to SiL's toxic treatment of you. If you find the initial "speaking out" to her difficult, please remember that you don't have to be fancy. A simple "oh Gordon Bennett - are you STILL fixated on your tired old version of events?" & a withering look should suffice. Bear in mind PP's comments above about maintaining eye contact.

Bullies aren't used to being challenged, & tend to back down when it happens. Or collapse (which is what the tantrums are, effectively).
So you DO need to be prepared with a few key phrases.

But essentially it is simple:

1. call her out on the ridiculous harping on (oh DO shut up SiL, don't you realise how pitiful your obsession has made you)
2. call her out on the inevitable subsequent tantrum (oh dear you really do have a problem don't you. Have you consulted any professionals about your obsession, or are you going to go on letting it affect you like this?)
3. set her straight (you've fixated on this OW bullshit for 17 years now. Instead of continuing to make yourself ill & silly obsessing over it, why don't you have a talk with DH & I about what actually happened?)

Just keep maintaining is is HER problem & that YOU are gonna hear no more of it. Hence the perpetual, insistent use of the phrase "your obsession".
This bullshit belongs to HER, not YOU, & she needs to own it.