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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 15/08/2019 16:26

Or use the Mum voice, and say, 'Right, I think that's just about enough of that. It's time you stopped with the silly snide little remarks. They aren't clever, they aren't funny, and really they just show how very little you know or understand about anything'. While giving her a very hard, firm stare.

Then briskly start talking about something entirely unrelated to someone else.

Toknowornot · 15/08/2019 16:28

People still consider Camilla to be the OW and that will probably be the case forever. Your SIL should have dropped talking about it though, unless there's another reason why she doesn't like you.

BrokenWing · 15/08/2019 16:28

First impressions last. Once a first impression is made, if it's less than great, unfortunately it takes a long time, if ever, to change it.

Have you tried to change that impression? Have you spent any time with her 1-1 getting to know her? If your relationship with her is distant any way, its unlikely that impression of who or what you are/were will ever change.

She knows her brother from before and more than just the breakdown of his marriage and as a blood relative will love him unconditionally so it is easier to forgive and forget.

My dbro met his wife we welcomed her into our family with open arms and got to know each other. When left his wife for an OW (he was with the OW for 15 years before doing the same again) and I must admit I never felt comfortable with her. She came with that first impression that she was someone who had dubious morals and someone who couldn't be trusted before we even met her. Her own guilt kept her at arms length to begin with which just solidified that impression and defined the relationship with our family going forward. We are all civil to each other but will never be close.

Even if you managed to change the way she "jokes" about it you wont ever change the way she thinks about you and it is better knowing than not. I would never put myself in your position, but if I was I would just ignore or joke back.

krustykittens · 15/08/2019 16:35

OMG, now we are bringing up Camilla Parker Bowles and the sainted Diana! CPB didn't just have a drunken kiss, though, did she? She had an affair while she was married, was sleeping with Charles the night before his wedding and carried on the affair right through to his marriage to a 19 year old who had no clue what she had let herself in for. Disgusting behaviour all round and NOTHING LIKE THE OP!

Hithere12 · 15/08/2019 16:36

I must admit I never felt comfortable with her. She came with that first impression that she was someone who had dubious morals and someone who couldn't be trusted before we even met her

HER dubious morals?! Your scumbag brother is the one who cheated! You are exactly the same as OP’s SIL, blaming the woman, it’s pathetic. Just look at yourselves. It’s pure misogyny.

Hithere12 · 15/08/2019 16:37

OMG, now we are bringing up Camilla Parker Bowles and the sainted Diana! CPB didn't just have a drunken kiss, though, did she? She had an affair while she was married

I don’t think she comparing OP to Camilla Parker Bowles, I think she was just using that as an example of how mud sticks.

Baboutheocelot · 15/08/2019 16:42

The next time she says anything I would tell her that her comments are destroying her relationship with her brother and his children. Ask her if that is what she wants.

whattodowith · 15/08/2019 16:43

My MIL left my FIL seven years ago for his best friend... The best friend has never been referred to as ‘the other man’. I love the fact your DH doesn’t get hassle, only you do. He was the married one after all.

I do feel sorry for his wife but you’re right, almost two decades have passed so it’s time to let bygones be bygones imo.

namechanging2019 · 15/08/2019 16:45

You reap what you sow.
Yes SIL is petty but I find it difficult to feel sorry for you (or the cheating man) Hmm

Whatwillhappentomorrow · 15/08/2019 16:50

It's awful what you did. However, 17 years is a long time. People change and I think everyone deserves the right to move on with their lives after a long period of time.

Nobody is perfect, including your SIL. People shouldn't be defined by their mistakes, as long as they don't continue to make the same ones anyway.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2019 16:52

Also agree with messolini's very measured post. I never encounter women like the little sanctimony-crew that delight in rushing onto any thread with 'OW' in the title and cluck. All they need is knitting needles and they'd be set. Pathetic.

I've read through some of the comments and they make me shudder. I'd hate to be married to women like that.

Drabarni · 15/08/2019 16:53

In her eyes and maybe others you will always be the OW, maybe just remind sil that your dh was the cheat, you didn't break any vows or cheat.
If it bothers you say something, but why is your dh so useless, his ex perhaps feels like she dodged a bullet.

pallisers · 15/08/2019 16:54

You reap what you sow.

This is so true. I don't care how good an aunt she is I wouldn't encourage such petty bully to spend time with my children.

edgen2019 · 15/08/2019 16:54

Matilda - 17/27/37 years may pass and you will always be the other woman, you cannot change history.

pallisers · 15/08/2019 16:57

Matilda - 17/27/37 years may pass and you will always be the other woman, you cannot change history.

She didn't even have sex with him for gods sake. And if she did, 40 years later when she is married to him and has 2 children and the ex is long forgotten and gone you still think she is the scarlet woman. I think many posters would be happier living in Saudi Arabia.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/08/2019 16:58

edgen OP is not the other woman, she is the WIFE and she comes across very much better than many of the tricoteuse on this thread.

Nabana · 15/08/2019 16:58

You made your choices, this is one consequence sorry op.

The likelihood of your Dh cheating on you a probable consequence too Confused (That's why it's best to find your own man not someone else's)

Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 16:59

My uncle (mum's brother) left his wife for the OW about 30 years ago.

My mum still can't stand her, and is still really close to my aunt (the first wife). The rest of the family dislike her too.

Everyone is civil and polite to her, no comments to her face, but no one has forgotten and they never will.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/08/2019 16:59

A) it's none of her damned business.
B) to the PP who equates the term 'murderer' with 'OW' and claims the label will follow you for life: you're equating a sexual affair with offing someone? Really? Confused
C) Her DB made the vows to his former wife; you didn't. He owed his loyalty to her; you didn't.
D) It was 17 years ago. Seven. Teen. Years. The joke's worn thin.
E) She's extremely repetitive, boring, and tedious.
F) She needs to be told so (see E) and pulled up with pitying sarcasm every single time she pulls out her tired old chestnut.
G) It's none of her damned business.

MzHz · 15/08/2019 16:59

My own dad fucked off with the OW - he's been with her longer than he was with my mother now. Does it matter to me? is she still a scummy bitch who lost her own H and then stole someone else?

Oh yes. very much so.

Her quip to you about the cake made me laugh. that was a good one!

That said....

I would advise you to shut it down the next time she says anything.

So whatever she says you say "Ah, that reminds me SIL there was something I've been meaning to say for simply AGES.

You've been at my throat for 17 years now, DH ex has moved on, we've had kids and been married for almost 20 years and you STILL can't change the record, so I'm saying today for the first time - and hopefully the last - Shut the fuck up SIL and get over yourself! "

Inappropriatefemale · 15/08/2019 17:00

Just because a person leaves his spouse for another then it doesn’t mean they will repeatedly do it.

Also the man is the OPs now and not someone else’s!

hopefulandstrong · 15/08/2019 17:06

She's Jealous and that's really it.
I get the ex wife still being hurt but it's got sweet fuck all to do with the sil.
She sounds like someone who says nasty stuff and calls it banter.
I would find out something rather embarrassing and say it to her. Then when she's hurt tell her that's how you feel.
If she doesn't stop then you walk away.
Your mil will have to deal with it or teach her daughter Some bloody manners.

Batqueen · 15/08/2019 17:12

As opposed to just telling her to stop, your DH should make it clear he is responsible for his own life.

‘I’m not a cake dsis, I’m a person. I can’t be stolen. I make my own choices.’

Hithere12 · 15/08/2019 17:12

My uncle (mum's brother) left his wife for the OW about 30 years ago

My mum still can't stand her, and is still really close to my aunt (the first wife). The rest of the family dislike her too

Everyone is civil and polite to her, no comments to her face, but no one has forgotten and they never will

Your mum is an absolute moron. Her brother is the scumbag who cheated!! Has he been “shunned”?

Honestly I doubt this woman cares your petty family don’t like her over something that happened 30 years ago.

Carthage · 15/08/2019 17:12

OP you're not some smug cow that's lording over the ex wife. You've made a happy marriage and family with your dh. It sounds like he wouldn't have been happy anyway with his ex wife, so it would have ended in the long run. I understand that feelings run deep early on but really it's far more human to forget things over time and move on.

I'm not entirely sure why she thinks it's up to her to insert herself between you and your dh and create all this drama. I'd plan what you want to say to her and how you will deal with any follow up tantrums, so you can handle her calmly, no matter what she throws at you.

Btw you sound sensitive and lovely. And everyone makes mistakes in life.