to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

[MatildaWormwood8]

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP, honestly IRL I have never met people who are so quick to judge ‘the OW’ as on MN, yeah affairs are messy and shit and no one should be seeking to cheat on their wife or husband but it happens and sometimes it’s for the better - as in your case

I was going to say precisely this, but PinguDance has said it for me.

I don't agree that you are still the OW.
If your DH had been happy and emotionally committed to his ex he would never have flirted with you or 'drunkenly' kissed you.
Yes, you made a mistake with flirting and kissing him too - you should have had more self respect.

However....that was 17 years ago AND there were no dc in the mix who got hurt as a result.

SIL sounds like the type who just looks for an excuse to slag people off and bully them.
Her type thrive on drama and attention seeking.

DH will also tell her to shut up. But she always will do it again next time
Well, 17 years of this have taught you that doesn't work - so why do you persist?
Where's yours and DH's boundaries?
Where's your head at?
On the one hand your DH decides to go minimal contact with SIL as a result of her behaviour, a reasonable consequence to constant boundary violations.........yet you give her access to your kids!
Why?????
They don't need to have a relationship with someone toxic, let alone a family member who openly treats their parents in such a rude, disrespectful and demeaning manner.
A person like your SIL can turn on the charm whilst still secretly dripping poison about YOU into dc's ears.

I think you and DH need to seriously discuss your next step re consequences for SIL's lack of respect for your boundaries.
She won't stop making nasty digs.
You also need to take a good look at his family who are also enabling this - they have the option to tell her to leave the house when she makes these comments, or limit her invites to family functions if she won't behave.
They CHOOSE not to give her any consequences, because her feelings matter more to them than yours and DH.
Is SIL the golden child by any chance?
Cos i doubt their reaction would be the same if DH kept calling her a slag or anything.

Personally, i would go completely no contact with her and not allow her contact with my dc either -and i'd let the whole family know why.
I'd also tell the family that going forward, as soon as she makes a nasty dig you will gather up your dc and leave - even if it's only 5 minutes after you've arrived.
I'd also WARN them that you will no longer stay quiet and you WILL respond to her nastiness to her face - and to hell with the family fallout because that's all on them.
Until the rest of the family feel the consequences of her behaviour they won't do anything.
If that means going very low/no contact with the family, then hard as it is you do need to think about that.
Putting aside the adults - your kids are growing up hearing "your mum can't be trusted/she's a thief/liar" etc.... they are slowly being poisoned against you.

i might be sounding dramatic but i've seen how this insidious shit destroys families and turns parents/siblings/kids against each other.

We all make mistakes - and we learn from them.
You need to stop feeling ashamed of yourself.
You have a good marriage and beautiful dc and none of you deserve this treatment.

The consequences of your actions was a ruined married

No.
The consequences of OP's actions was a hideous regret at ONE kiss, immediate withdrawal & no contact with her then-colleague for 6 months.
During those 6 months of zero contact, then-colleague separated from his wife.
Absolutely not OP's responsibility. She did not cause the marriage to end. Then-colleague ended it off his own bat, without reference to her.

you'll be forever the OW, that's fair.
Nah - it's hysterical nonsense, perpetrated by SiL, & a few PP on the thread who haven't read it properly.

you clearly weren't in it just for the joy of home wrecking
She was barely "in it" at all.
One drunken kiss, zero home wrecking.

Not to mention how incredibly misogynistic it is that you're copping all the nonsense and your DH has nothing to answer to. The marriage was his responsibility not yours.

• hurrah for common sense @NarcolepticOuchMouse (also, v engaging username )

@IABUQueen you actually believe that? 😂

Christ. The only person responsible for the breakdown of a mariage are those that are legally wed to each other.

No one else. Ever. OM OW regardless.

She sounds incredibly childish.

Next time I'd call her out and let her flounce.

Even if the OP had been shagging her now DH senseless 17 years ago rather than having a kiss with him, everyone should have long since moved on by now. Good people have affairs, too.

The next time she has a dig, tell her clearly in everyone's hearing that you will tolerate no more. That she stops or your family will leave.

If she does it again, you, your DH and your DCs leave immediately. This means that her comments then have a significant impact on everybody present, not just you and they will all be irritated with her for causing the problem.

You're going to have to agree this with your DH in advance but it's the least he can do after enabling this behaviour for so long.

Madfrogs
Well technically you where and always will be the OW that he cheated on his first wife with. Time doesn’t change what you have done. Others get to decide if they forgive or forget what or who you where not you.
People can decide if they forgive or forget but if they choose to bring it up at every opportunity 17 years later then everyone else ges to judge them on their weird and inappropriate behaviour. Andf in any case, The Dsis has nothing to forgive any one for. It really has nothing to do with her. She doesn't have a relationship with the ex so what's her probelm.

She should be polite enough to keep it behind closed doors after so long but you are what you are.
God help you if you have ever lied in life or been nasty or done anything at all that is questionable. As by your reckoning that would make you a liar or a nasty person. "you are what you are" after all. Infact, as your comment is sanctimonious and pious I guess by your reckoning, for all eternity, THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. You are a sanctimonious and pious nasty person...you are what you are and all....

After 17 years personally if SIL was me I’d just let things be. Yes being the OW is awful, however you didn’t have an affair with yourself did you? You aren’t unilaterally to blame, if she doesn’t make these nasty cracks to your DH then it’s clear (to me) that’s she’s just being a spiteful bully and using this as she knows it hurts/shocks.

You have been together nearly two decades now, you’re his wife and the mother of her niece/nephew(s) time for her to grow up a little and get over things.

Maybe the SIL is friendly with the ex wife?
She doesn't like you, so just move on.

It may not be fair on your MIL that you avoid family parties etc because of SIL w but actions have consequences. If no one is prepared to tackle her behaviour then I'd be tempted to say ok fine we won't come for visits / events if SiL is there.

She's being a petty bully and carrying on this behaviour because she knows no one will stop her. In 17 years no one has actually done anything to stop her behaviour. She relies on the idea your too ashamed of being OW to call her out on it ...

For what it's worth I don't think you can really be classed as the OW. One drunken kiss then cutting contact for 6 months during which time he chose to end his marriage does not other women make.

@SavingSpaces2019 - cracking post, & I echo your wariness about SiL's influence on OP's kids.

As anyone who has RTFT can see, SiL has form for bitching about women, throws tantrums when she doesn;t get her own way ... yet OP is concerned that her kids may miss out on a "loving aunt".
Am I the only cynic here that reckons SiL makes a show out of "aunting" in order to have a hold over OP? ... & that when the kids are older, she will make digs about their mother to them, & tantrum & strop if they don't play along to her satisfaction?

SiL's comment about a woman having had a boob job (possibly medically necessary, who knows?) being a slut is pure spiteful misogyny. No way would I let a bad tempered, meanly obsessive misogynist any access to my kids without my presence.
Frankly, I'd have taken SiL quietly aside & told her to go fuck herself years ago - but I suspect OP is a way nicer woman than I am ...

Your SIL sounds like a dick. Being the OW is obviously not the finest act of your life, but your DH is much more to blame in that regard than you are and after 17 years of happily being together, your SIL should have let this go a long time ago.

She is just bitter and letting it show.

Just crack on, whats done is done and that's how it is :D

Jeez. You'd get a lesser sentence for murder.
Yeah you were the OW but goodness, 17 happy years seems a vindication (of some sort, I know, I know) of your actions.

I wonder why SIL does this

17 years! Time to move on.

YANBU

Sometimes I come across posts and completely despair. @Messolini9 speaks sense.

Really, if the Op had no conscience... if she had no remorse... if she was a terrible, husband stealing harpie... do you HONESTLY think she would've let the SIL get away with this behavior for 17 years??!

The OP comes across as someone who is caring and aware of other people's feelings. And felt so guilty for her own minuscule part in all of it that she basically felt she deserved what SIL is doing. That's horrible.

People are always advised on here to not start affairs. To get out before the affair starts. So if you have feelings for someone else, then leave your H or W first. Bloody hell, the Op's H did exactly that and it is STILL not enough for people?

There are some bitter and twisted people around. I despair.

She sounds horrible, and her behaviour is even weirder given that none of the family even speak to his ex anymore.

I'd try to minimise contact with her, absolutely ridiculous to still be harping on about this after 17 years. It's none of her business

You made your bed....if she still has a beef up to her I wouldn't respect any woman that did what you did.

This says a lot about your SIL, as in having the weird mindset that she has. Of course,we don't know what her personality is like in general, but to hold onto this view of you,is totally wrong,and she has a very narrow mind about things in life, even concerning things that happened 17 years ago.!

I guess that you can't do much about people,who are inclined to be like this.

You need to make a bigger scene and not be afraid!! If she is in you’re home throw her out and if you are at your mil both leave in a big huff
Hopefully you will only have to do it once to make your point 👍

Is SIL single and sad?

Calling a drunken kiss an affair is slightly overstating the case surely?

Especially when you immediately pulled yourself out of the person's orbit, as you realised you'd both gone beyond what was appropriate?

If my DH did that, okay, I'd be pissed off, but more concerned that perhaps we had issues in the marriage that needed addressing - which it turned out that they did.

@MardyMavis I don’t expect her to respect me. I know I did a bad thing. But is it so wrong to want to keep things at least civil for the sake of everyone else in the family?

Usually I'd say rise above such foolishness but in this case I think if you keep ignoring it and letting her make these shitty comments then it almost looks like you're too ashamed to answer back - like you agree you've done something wrong.

Maybe a cutting comment is what she needs to stop her doing it. You've had some good suggestions on here. And if she doesn't like you anyway you really have nothing to lose x

He told his wife after one kiss, she chucked him out, you waited then started being together. That was not a full blown affair lasting years. SIL needs to be told.