to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

[MatildaWormwood8]

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

Also, if we're all going to be judge on things we did 17 years ago, I'd get, "Here comes RedWoollyHat with her relationships that are toilets and her borderline drink problem!" every time I entered a room. Just sayin'

Your SIL is an idiot. Yes it might not have been the greatest of beginnings but you have been together 17 years and have kids! It was hardly a silly fling was it. How long was he with the ex?

FWIW my dp left his ex for me (there was no physical affair beforehand) and to this day she slags me off and blames for for ruining their relationship. She can't see her behaviour was the cause of it. Sometimes it's easier to blame other people.

Just rise above it and know that you've built a solid life and relationship

'Even Ken Dodd got new material after seventeen years. Your joke writer wants sacking.'

This is brilliant!

She is being a bully. Personally I'd ignore. Don't stoke her fire after one killer comment like above with a 'it's been 17 years so drop it."

If she doesn't then you do need your husband and MIL to make a choice. It isn't acceptable that they allow you to be bullied.

Seeking to keep the peace in a family is all very well but honestly everyone has to try otherwise it's unfair.

TBH my DB left his first wife for the OW more than 17 years ago now. He then married the OW. I do not like her and will never fully accept her. I am still very close to his ex wife and she is more like family to me than DB and his current wife will ever be.

I would never bad mouth them to their face and their DC would never know there was any bad feeling, but i keep them at arms length and have very little to do with them. In my mind she will always be the OW and DB will always be a heartless bastard.

Next time just say 'it's been 17yrs.let it go Elsa'

I think it's ridiculous that people are saying you should accept it. Firstly it doesn't affect the SIL, fair enough to his ex you'll be forever the OW, that's fair. But it's been 17 years, you clearly weren't in it just for the joy of home wrecking. Most importantly you're not that person anymore, people likening it to being a murderer really have a flair for drama 🙄 The consequences of your actions was a ruined married and the creation of two children and long marriage. Fairly certain you don't get time for that. Not to mention how incredibly misogynistic it is that you're copping all the nonsense and your DH has nothing to answer to. The marriage was his responsibility not yours. Yeah you were a less than good person then but it seems that's not you now, I don't think it's fair nor reasonable for you to have to be constantly reminded. What good comes from that? It's not like you can go back in time. It's pettiness.

The replies on here have helped me see maybe it’s not ok for her to make these digs at me and I don’t “deserve” to be subjected to it all the time.

Good, OP. Excellent. You absolutely do not deserve this - your SiL has picked up on your discomfort & that is why she continues to needle. You have to outface her on this issue for once & for all.

A drunken kiss? I’m not sure how anyone could still be harping on about that 17 years later

You reap what you sow, I’m afraid.

Find out something stupid and embarrassing she did 17 years ago (or just last week since she obviously has never grown up) and bring it up each time, she brings up you being the OW.

Or else say "DH may have cheated on his wife with me 17 years ago, but at least I'm not a snide bitch now" with a hard stare.

You reap what you sow, I’m afraid

Except if you’re OP’s husband, apparently. The possession of a penis appears to be a get-out clause for all blame and recrimination.

"DH may have cheated on his wife with me 17 years ago, but at least I'm not a snide bitch now" with a hard stare

LOVE THIS!

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall when we first went public with our relationship SIL made some comment along the lines of I shouldn’t have kissed DH, nor expressed my feelings for him. If it wasn’t for me “meddling”, him and ex wife would have stayed married.

At the time ex wife called me the OW many, many times. I really don’t know but I suspect ex wife probably vented to SIL about me in the early stages of the divorce and it’s just stuck with SIL.

It's passive aggressive nonsense and the only way to deal with it is to meet it head on , every time. Don't laugh it off, don't ignore it. Challenge it. Eg. You seem still seem to be angry about your brother's first marriage. While I regret my part in its breakdown, we've been together now for years. Do you want to say something to me about that. She does it because you collude in her doing it. Nothing a passive aggressive person hates and fears more that their behaviour being challenged and exposed.

Slavery is illegal, which means there aren't any people who are property. So it is impossible to steal a person.

“ oh sil, are you referring to two decades ago when you used to pick your nose as a teenager?”. Hahaha so funny

FWIW my dp left his ex for me (there was no physical affair beforehand) and to this day she slags me off and blames for for ruining their relationship. She can't see her behaviour was the cause of it. Sometimes it's easier to blame other people.

I’m sorry but being OW does not qualify you at all to judge whether the ex behaviour was the cause of it. Totally self absorbed and irresponsible. You and your DH were responsible for the breakdown of her marriage.

If it weren’t the case he would’ve left her before he deciddd to flirt with you. It’s not on to blame the betrayer ex !

I think this is one of those situations where it’s important to act like a grown up. Finding out something embarrassing that the SIL did and mentioning them a lot is amusing but won’t help you.

I think in this case it would be okay to look very grave and say “Do you know that you mention that whenever I meet you?”. Don’t smile (this is important) and look concerned.

If she carries on, you may say that as she feels the need to carry on after all this time, it’s probably best that you don’t see her any more. Make eye contact and say it in a matter of fact way. It’s very important that no one can see it as a tantrum.

My df us with the ow, he was seeing her from the early 80s before I was born. Although we have a pleasant relationship, I still think of her as the ow. It will never go away, even if nobody says anything they will be thinking it.

@MrHaroldFry, rather hilariously, it is YOU who has misunderstood. If you RTFT you might even perceive how!
I think you misunderstand. You were and always will be the person who slept with a man that was already married.
Nice bit of judging there, except ... OP didn't. She kissed him once, in the heat of the moment, regretted that kiss sincerely & fled from his life for 6 months.

Those things are historical fact and can't be changed even 17 years later.
Erm - nope. See above. OP's current husband extricated himself from the marriage during the 6 months OP had no contact with him.

If you see it as punishment maybe that shows you have a conscience.
If you cannot perceive the OP's sincerity, contrition, & excessive self-blame & not realise she is a decent woman with a perfectly functional conscience, "maybe that shows" you're exactly the wrong person to set yourself up as her moral arbiter.

The ‘OW’ gets the blame rather than the husband from a lot of women because it’s easier to believe that a woman can steal their husband rather than believe they chose a shit husband or their husband didn’t value their relationship enough etc. It’s self-preservation which I understand but it’s very unfair, the married person cheated and broke their vows and promises, not the person they cheated with.

I think your SIL is being a bit petty making jokes about it.

It could be that she’s just a bit of a bully, and your past behaviour makes you an easy target. But if that was the case, your MIL and your DH speaking to her about it would probably have made her back off, or at least only make digs when they couldn’t hear.

The thing is, you have shown yourself to be untrustworthy in interpersonal relationships.
She would be well within her rights to maintain distant civility or just have no contact with you. She doesn’t ever have to trust you, and that’s a direct consequence of your actions.

The jokes could well be her way of squaring the circle in a situation she’s uncomfortable with. The safety valve. She doesn’t want to have avoid family occasions, she does still love her brother/ his children and wants some contact with them. So she vents at you.

Whilst it’s true that your and your DH are equally culpable in the affair, there are some important differences between you vis-à-vis your SIL.

1. Your DH is well, her brother. She doesn’t really get a choice over whether she loves him or not. He was in her life long before the affair, they are closely related. The roots of their relationship predate the affair by many years . With you, she didn’t know you/have a deep relationship with you before the affair. So the untrustworthy behaviour came right at the beginning of a family connection, poisoned the ground so to speak and your relationship never got a chance to develop.
2. You’re a threat to her/to the wider family. Her brother is unlikely to run off with her partner, down to sexual preferences. You’ve demonstrated that you are no respecter of other people’s relationships. So she’ll never let her guard down with you. If there are other brothers/sisters as well this multiplies- to her mind you could go full Jeremy Kyle at some point and destabilise the family.

So it might just be sexism behind her treating her brother ok but you poorly. But it might not be.

I think she’s handling it poorly tbf, cool distance would be better than jibes. But I do get why she doesn’t like you, and that is on you. And also, I don’t know how you can overcome that or whether you should try to.

If you really can’t stand it, then you could try making a fuss, or going totally NC. But that could punish your MIL, or cause a bigger rift or mean your kids dion’t have a loving aunt in their lives. And it does reek of exactly the kind of selfishness that goes hand in hand with having an affair. No-one’s feelings matter but yours.

The next time she says something in a room full of family, can you politely say something like “yes, Matilda’s SIL, I was the OW in DHs marriage breakup. Equally, he cheated on his wife. We are both to blame, I am so sorry for the part I played. It’s been 17 years, we are now married and have 2 children, and I’m asking you to please stop with the funny comments. No one is laughing except you, and I think it’s time you let it go. Both DH and I are really sorry for the hurt we caused and always will be.” If she continues to make funny comments after this, she is the one who should be embarrassed.

If she is shoe horning it into a conversation about cake 17yrs later , then I think she’s just being horrid

🤷🏻‍♀️

She is probably a bit unreasonable to keep going on about it, but it remains true.

You should probably say, “Fucking hell, SIL, can you stop going on about it? Anyone would think he’d cheated on you. Now pass me that cake.”