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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 15/08/2019 19:50

@Hithere12

If you read and considered my entire post you would see I was trying to explain about first impressions impacting ongoing relationships longterm. The post is about the op and her SIL relationship so that was what I was commenting on. My relationship with my cheating scumbag of a brother is irrelevant to the ops question so it wasn't worth discussing as I didn't think the op would be interested.

But have your little rage if it makes you feel better.

Honeyroar · 15/08/2019 19:52

Your sil sounds like some of the scathing women on here! Can't see the wood for the trees. To me, after hearing even more of your story, I would barely call you the other woman. I'd not even throw much mud at him. He felt himself falling for someone else, had a kiss, and left his marriage before starting up with the other person several months later. To me that's the way you should behave, it's not the same as sneaking around shagging behind your wife's back telling lies. He clearly realised that the marriage was dead and he was attracted to someone else, so he ended his marriage. It may well cause upset to the spouse, who doesn't feel the marriage is over, but it's probably the best thing to do. Not all marriages are good.

choli · 15/08/2019 19:53

It reads to me like SIL was cheated on and you are the proxy OW, or perhaps her dad had an affair snd she is getting her hurt out on you.
Or SIL had an affair with a married man who did NOT leave his wife for her and she takes out her resentment on the OP.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 15/08/2019 19:58

I wouldn't have accepted your branding as the OW 17 minutes after that kiss, never mind 17 years.

Blimey.

Your husband made 2 mistakes in HIS personal life.

  1. he married a woman who wasn't right for him
  2. he got drunk and kissed you.

That's it.

He went on to do things right. He told his wife what happened. He realised he didn't want to be married to her. He moved out and initiated a divorce. Separated he took some time single. Then single, you two got together.

No, that kiss wasn't ideal. But every other part of your behaviour was impeccable.

SIL needs telling. By you. Firmly. In a way that is clear you've had enough. Personally, I'd also make it clear that I don't trust anyone to be around my kids that I can't trust to be a good example. Let her think on that.

You've been beating yourself up over this - it's time to stop.

managedmis · 15/08/2019 20:01

SIL sounds a bit much tbf

Jimdandy · 15/08/2019 20:07

I’m not keen on all this other woman crap.

Relationships break down, people fall out of of love and people can’t help falling in love.

It’s all well and good for all these saintly people with this black and white view that if you’re unhappy you should leave before you start a new relationship etc, but sometimes meeting someone else is the trigger you need.

I think it’s very narrow minded to not accept or realise that life isn’t black and white sometimes.

I say this a worldly person I have never been “the other woman”

Dljlr · 15/08/2019 20:10

I genuinely can't understand why you don't tell her to fuck off. Who cares if it upsets anyone else? Why do you have to be bullied to keep the peace more generally within a family that isn't even yours? Tell her to go fuck herself, loudly, twice if necessary. Rude cow.

DianneWhatcock · 15/08/2019 20:14

Yanbu

She's absolutely nuts 🤦‍♀️

Your dh should say something though

WhatTimeDoYouCallThis · 15/08/2019 20:27

Hello, after so many years this is not about the past but sounds to me like bullying. I've had someone continually 'joke' in a cruel way and stopped them (to my surprise) one day and forever. When they said the the usual hurtful phrase In front of a group who always before let it slide I looked at my watch and said '5 minutes'. When they looked nonplussed I explained it had taken a then 5 minutes to mention X, the thing they always dragged up about me. Others laughed and that was that. Good luck OP they are making themselves look nasty, maybe point that out.

beccarocksbaby · 15/08/2019 20:56

As someone who was cheated on, your SIL needs to get the fuck over it.

It's mean and vindictive. Very few marriages that start in an affair last and whilst you did a disgusting thing you've lasted and that says something about the pair of you.

Start biting back? Next time she mentions stealing things maybe say she better watch her purse. Or her cake. Or her husband.

Mittler · 15/08/2019 21:20

So what's the MN verdict on married women who have an OM? Does the OM attract the same degree of opprobrium as an OW, or does the errant wife get the blame? (Suspect it's the latter)

Jimdandy is spot on. OP, you have done nothing wrong, and your SIL ought not to be suggesting that you have. It's quite impressive to keep up a ridiculous "joke" for 17 years, though. She certainly has sticking power.

AE18 · 15/08/2019 21:21

Tbh I think you're carrying way too much guilt over this.

Man and woman fall in love when man is married, know it's wrong I cheat so part ways after admitting how they feel. Man tells his wife immediately. After some time the feelings have not gone away so they begin a relationship and start a family together that has lasted decades already.

It's very clear that this was a relationship worth ending his marriage for from everything that has happened since (hence the need for respect by this point as his life partner) and he did the right them by telling her as soon as you discussed how you felt. Would it have been better if he had waited and started a family with her, first?

People fall out of love and in love with other people. It's really not something to feel like terrible people over nearly 20 years later, this was not some sordid affair he just fell in love elsewhere and owned up to it immediately.

As to the SIL, either she has a problem with it or she doesn't. There's no point making a comment and then saying "just kidding" after every time - if she has a problem she needs to stop pretending to be friendly with the BOTH of you, and if she doesn't have a problem and really is just joking then she needs to learn some bloody people skills because if nobody is laughing then it is incredibly awkward to keep making the same joke, and also inappropriate at somebody else's social event.

In your shoes I would just stop spending time with her.

livinglavidavillanelle · 15/08/2019 21:25

She is vile. It was a bloody long time ago. I honestly can't believe some of the responses on here, I stopped reading after you got compared to a murderer. FFS.
She has a bee in her bonnet about it for some reason, and obviously takes great satisfaction from being a bitch. I would want my DH to put her in her place once and for all to be honest.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 15/08/2019 22:11

You didn't even bloody cheat! It wasn't even an affair, you just fell in love by accident, kissed once and backed off until he was single. Don't beat yourself up about it, shake off the misplaced guilt. Your SIL is a twat.

flyingspaghettimonster · 15/08/2019 22:11

Honestly, anyone we ever hear of who ever left their wife for the other woman, they go down in my esteem and that woman is forever the hussy husband stealer. They both remain tainted forever in my opinion. Just last night my hisband mentioned someone coming to the conference he attended, and I said "Is he the one they keep saying you are like?" And he said "no, you wouldn't want me to be like him, he left his wife for his lab manager"... and that was 20 odd years ago and still random strangers who may never know her are being told she is the other woman. That's just how it is.

LovePoppy · 15/08/2019 22:14

I hate the tip toeing to avoid a tantrum

Throw your own damn tantrum, then let the chips fall

LovePoppy · 15/08/2019 22:15

You didn’t make him cheat, you didn’t use your magic vagina

Why the duck do men get away with this shit and the woman gets blamed

Tolleshunt · 15/08/2019 22:16

That's just how it is.

Really? Maybe for those who like to gossip about others, and get a kick out of being sanctimonious about those they don’t approve of. Not for the rest of us, though.

IABUQueen · 15/08/2019 22:18

To those saying the OP should tell her to “F off”, genuine question, do people really swear like this in parties/family settings? Wouldn’t that cause tension for everyone?.

Why can’t she just politely tell her “I won’t accept it as a joke and you need to stop your rudeness”. No need to swear

Gladiolus45 · 15/08/2019 22:49

My exH cheated on me for over 20 years and three DC before I belatedly wised up. His speciality was enlisting our mutual "friends" to keep his secrets. Not for nothing was Icarus his online name on the OLD sites where he recruited women :)

My take on it is this. I understand that people fall out of love. If he had said this to me I would not have been happy, but ultimately I was 28 with a great career when we got married and if he had fessed up I would have picked up my life and probably met another man who did actually like me and had DC with him instead.

What he actually chose to do was lie to me over a period of years, father three DC and secretly resent me for trapping him (unbeknownst to me) so he picked away at me, emotionally abused me and fucked me up over the 20+ years we were married.

It's at my door that I had such low expectations of a relationship that I stayed all those years and wasted my life. I've had a ton of counselling and I understand now why that was, but that does not alter what he did.

It does not alter the fact that those women all knew about me and the DC and chose to have affairs with him. It does not alter the fact that he married one of them and they are still married today 6 years later.

I don't really care if their relationship is successful or not. Neither of them had any morals. The fact that they are still married does not alter their behaviour any more than the fact Charles ultimately married Camilla alters the fact that they fucked around while he was married to Diana. We are supposed to forget that in a 1984 kind of way, but we don't. Getting married does not whitewash your behaviour.

If my exH had been a decent man he would have come to me when he first felt attracted to someone else and said he wanted out. In fact he was a bratty, nasrcissistic man child who wanted the appearance of being a family man whilst shagging prostitutes, co-workers and anyone else who would have him and calling his affairs "love" because in his eyes that was the ticket which made him blameless.

If the OW he married had been a decent woman she would have refused him until we were divorced.

I haven't RTFT in sufficient detail to follow your timeline OP, but I suspect it was a bit murkier than that.

So ultimately, your SIL doesn't like you because you were OW and takes every chance to let you know it and that she holds a grudge. That is her prerogative. Yours is to avoid her company.

Inappropriatefemale · 15/08/2019 22:54

Sometimes people need told to fuck off IABUQueen, unfortunate but the SIL would deserve it.

OP can I ask if your SIL has been making these comments for the whole 17 years that you’ve been with your DH? If so then swear words are the least she deserves!

MzHz · 15/08/2019 23:00

After 17 years... only “Ftfo SIL” is gonna cut it I think...

NichyNoo · 15/08/2019 23:03

My stepmum was the OW. She has now been married to my dad for 25 years (longer than he was married to my mum). She'll always be the OW to me.

RyvitaBrevis · 15/08/2019 23:06

No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated, OP.

It is rude, cruel, and wrong to throw someone's past in their face. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. I've never confessed my feelings to a married man, no, but I've done things I shouldn't have or failed to do something I should have and so has everyone else.

Croquembou · 15/08/2019 23:39

I haven't RTFT in sufficient detail to follow your timeline OP

Well, that was probably an error because this:

If my exH had been a decent man he would have come to me when he first felt attracted to someone else and said he wanted out.

Is pretty much what happened.

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