to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

[MatildaWormwood8]

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

Have you ever checked that he didn’t have a huge case of mentioning you to his wife and that actually she’s told the sil all about this long drawn out emotional affair that then became physical if only but a kiss.

If you read the relationship threads on here you will see women pointing out signs about their husbands and often work colleges getting far too close.

So what’s one drunken kiss to you was months long blown emotional affair. Most women are also told not to believe that it was just a kiss line as men will minimise so likely have those thoughts of you and him together laughing behind her back.

If she’s told sil that version that would explain her hatred and the fact nobody else actually bothered to tel her to be polite. It may well of been a counting down till you two came out officially and public and boom proved the ex wife and sil correct that their version was the correct version.

And yet another OW justification story! It does get a bit predictable.

I think if I was anyone's OW I would accept that people would be offended by my behaviour. And there would be no set time period for that. People don't like dishonesty, try to remember how sassy you were when you first had the affair and be a bit more like that, clearly words didn't bother you then.

OP, you were not an OW.

And as for your DH, he wasn't cheating either. You had a drunken kiss, let each other know about your feelings, and then decided to part ways. In other words, what MN likes to say is the right thing to do.

Your now DH didn't contact you until after he'd split from his then wife, so I don't attribute any blame to you at all. That marriage can't have been good at that time, I bet the kiss led him to examine his own feelings here.

Your SIL is a misogynistic cow, especially with the kind of claptrap she's come out with regarding boob jobs. I know 3 people who had boob jobs, 2 had them after masectomies, and one had a reduction as they caused backache and other issues.

Tbh I don't condone your behaviour (both you and your DH). That said I would have said my peace to you both 17 years ago and ended our relationship, because I feel the same way your SO I does, and I can't keep it to myself so to save us the heartache I wouldn't have anything to do with either of you. SIL must own her words not downplay them and either put up with you and shut up or you end the relationship if it bothers you that much

@blubelle7

You would honestly cut off a sibling for kissing someone while married?? Wow. I've never cheated but have been cheated on so I know how awful it is. I could never even imagine cutting off a sibling for something like that.

try to remember how sassy you were when you first had the affair

Bit tricky, @dayswithaY, as she didn't have one.
RTFT.

Op there are lots of OW haters on here
But you were really apologetic in your post and you don’t need to be. You were not some scarlet woman out to reck marriages for fun. You both fell in love and broke a dead marriage. You didn’t and don’t deserve this rudeness. Considering there were no children involved you don’t deserve a hard time asking for help with this bitch

I have read the thread. It was an emotional affair, they are very hurtful too.

Thanks for not calling my mum a 'moron' for having feelings about trauma in her family, though. Makes a nice change from the guttersniping of @Hithere12**

😂 Stop crying. You made a post saying your mum can't this woman and the rest of the family have venom towards her for something that happened over 30 years ago, whilst making absolutely no mention of the man involved. HE is the cheater, not her. He should be the one you all dislike and can “never forgive”.

It’s sexist bullshit. You can dish it out towards this woman but can’t take it.

Does anyone wonder why there are so many OW haters on here? I guess everyone should just get over it, right?

Okay, this is interesting as i have the potential to be like your SIL in the future.
My "D"B had cheated on his wife and has now left her for the OW. His wife was and is my oldest friend (best friend since nursery).
I do not want to meet the OW or have her in my life, but my DM and I are very close so I won't ruin my relationship with her as in not attend family events where this OW or my shitty B are.
I'm very aware that you can't help who you fall in love with and you can fall out of love with someone, if that's how their marriage ended and the OW was a new gf, that would be weird but okay, this is not.
Cheating is never okay imo, so you had a really shitty beginning to your relationship, tbh, it would make me question what sort of people you both are.

And as for your DH, he wasn't cheating either. You had a drunken kiss

Kissing someone is still cheating 🤨😳 it doesn’t mean it’s not if your drunk!

Does anyone wonder why there are so many OW haters on here? I guess everyone should just get over it, right?

If people showed the same amount of ire towards the men who were actually in the relationship and cheated then I’d be fine with people criticising the OW, it’s the huge hypocrisy and misogyny that annoys me.

It’s all “we’ve never forgiven her” “the family hate her” I mean FFS what about him?

Did they have children who stayed with their mother when he left? If he walked out on a baby that will have been affecting his ex wife's life right up until the present day, so I'm not sure the statute of limitations has expired yet.

It was an emotional affair,

Says you, @dayswithaY, who 1) werent there, so cannot know, & 2) are blithely ignoring the fact that following ONE drunken kiss, OP severed all contact with her then-colleague.

Does anyone wonder why there are so many OW haters on here? I guess everyone should just get over it, right?

Hate away, the OP isn't an OW.

Did they have children who stayed with their mother when he left?

No.

@HollygoLoudly1
I answered before I read the bit about what the actual cheating was. Tbh if that's the case probably not, but I'm just being honest, I would struggle to believe that's all that happened.
I have my faults and I'm not perfect but
I try not to put myself in situations where I turn negative or nasty and if OP was my SIL I am honest enough to admit I would struggle. I don't want to make unnecessary snide comments and make someone ucomfortable so I would minimise or end our relationship. I wish I was strong enough not to be bothered by it. OP still DESERVES TO Be treated respectfully as her Who's wife so should not put up with the name-calling.

I’d have a vitamin D deficiency with that much shade thrown at me

OK, I have always put store in the saying "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got". You have always brushed off SIL's comments, ignored them, taken the punch. And that has got you more comments, SEVENTEEN YEARS of nasty little barbed digs. So if you want that to stop, you are going to have to stop ignoring and downplaying her behaviour. Are you up for that?

I see possibilities in "SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off." It's time to wind her up so that she throws tantrums. Big ones, in front of as many people as possible. Tantrumming makes adults look really really stupid.

And if anyone admonishes you for it, just respond that you're done being her personal punchbag, would they like to volunteer to take your place? No? Well this is how it's going to be from now on, thanks for your concern for MY wellbeing.

So, how best to turn her digs around so they jab her?

The example you gave - "MIL made a cake and SIL said “ooh watch out Matilda doesn’t steal it, you know she likes to take things that belong to her hee hee” " I'd be giving a calm stare and responding with 'I expect I'll eat what cake is offered to me. Has much cake been offered to you lately, SIL?' Yes, it's fucking rude and points out she's unpartnered, which normally I wouldn't do but I'm looking to provoke a tantrum here - gloves have to be off.

Consider things she's said to you lately/often, how could you turn each of these around?

Alternatively, you could start by just not taking it any more.

'Really SIL? Has so little happened in the last 17 years of your life that you still revolve around your brother's love life?'

'That's just you being rude for rudeness sake again. And before you claim you're joking - nobody's laughing. Again. Put a sock in it.'

And of course I find 'Fuck off' multipurpose.

The most important thing is that YOU CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOUR because how you've been responding to this - well, it's not working, is it?

The OP said feelings developed and there was closeness/flirting. While he was married. It's either an emotional affair or shitty behaviour. They both hurt his wife's feelings. Dress it up how you like it that is how the OP described it.

Kissing someone is still cheating 🤨😳 it doesn’t mean it’s not if your drunk!

Ok. So if my DP goes out and has a drunken snog, she automatically becomes the other woman. It makes him an arse. And it means my marriage is in massive difficulty if he's capable of doing that.

If he leaves me 6 months later with no contact from any other female, there's no other woman.

If he then seeks out someone he had a drunken kiss with, she's not the OW. Some people move past full blown affairs if the marriage is still what both parties truly want. It just sits well for the ex wife to call her that. Means she can lay blame at another woman's feet, rather than acknowledging her marriage failed because of her husband, and god forbid, herself. Can't play the poor little soul if it's known that the marriage failed at their hands.

Sure there are genuine OW. Some are total cows, I have no doubt.

OP you are absolutely neither.

It reads to me like SIL was cheated on and you are the proxy OW, or perhaps her dad had an affair snd she is getting her hurt out on you.

I don't think dh marriage was in a good place if he kissed you and immediately told/left his wife, maybe the kiss was the catalyst he needed.

If she starts the "only a joke" thing i would say "it wasn't funny seventeen years ago and it's not funny now, i did not 'steal' your brother, he left exwife by himself. You were not involved and don't know the full story, I am you db wife and mother of his children, this topic is now closed and no longer up for discussion"

OP, honestly IRL I have never met people who are so quick to judge ‘the OW’ as on MN, yeah affairs are messy and shit and no one should be seeking to cheat on their wife or husband but it happens and sometimes it’s for the better - as in your case

Fully agree with PinguDance and Scardanelli.