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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hold the title of OW for the rest of my life

463 replies

MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 12:53

So. 17 years ago DH left his ex wife for me. I was the OW. I’m not proud of this and I’ve tried ever since to be a better person. It was a horrible thing to do, I was young and I like to think I’ve grown up a lot since then.

DHs sister has never liked me. I understand why and do my best to keep things civil. But to this day, 17 years later she still harps on about how I was the OW. She will do this to my face, behind my back, to other family members. I’ve tried talking to her about it and she claims “it’s just a joke” and I shouldn’t be so sensitive. But no one laughs when she says it and it’s caused awkwardness at family functions. MIL has asked her to stop but SIL has a tendency to throw tantrums / be over the top and we all tend to pussyfoot around her so as not to set her off.

DH is the love of my life and we have a wonderful marriage. I fully take on board I did a terrible thing. I own up to that. AIBU to think we should all have moved on from 17 years ago? Or should I accept this is how things are and this is just a form of punishment for my bad behaviour.

OP posts:
WestBerlin · 15/08/2019 17:14

Men aren’t belongings that can be ‘stolen’. He was the married one, his vows were his responsibility, no way should she be holding you accountable whilst giving him a free pass for ending his own marriage.

One drunken kiss does not an ‘OW’ make imo. You pulled back, and from there he decided he wanted to end his marriage and pursue something with you. Hardly a crime analogous to murder, or indeed a long and drawn out affair. She really needs to drop it, all she looks is pathetic.

Hithere12 · 15/08/2019 17:15

I’m actually disturbed by the amount of women slating the OW without even mentioning the man. Are you aware that the married men are grown adults who are able to make their own decisions? Are you all aware of your own misogyny?

dottiedodah · 15/08/2019 17:19

Is SIL married herself?If not she may be jealous of seeing you and her DB close and happy together.I think after 17 years ,its unacceptable of her to keep bringing it up. If you were young at the time . Its just one of those things life isnt perfect ,but he would likely have got divorced anyway so its not your "fault" any more than his TBH!

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 17:19

@Nabana please shut up. This thread is not asking whether my DH will cheat on me or not. Did it make you feel good about yourself to say that?

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 15/08/2019 17:20

Hello op,nobody has the right to judge you.
Next time surnames a snide comment calmly ask her "what is your point sil" and continue like this.don't allow her to get away with bullying you any more.
A few times with the tables being turned and hopefully she will learn to keep her comments to herself.

Original poster
MatildaWormwood8 · 15/08/2019 17:21

@dottiedodah no SIL is not married. In all the time I’ve known her she’s not dated anyone for longer than a year.

OP posts:
Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 17:28

@Hithere12

Your mum is an absolute moron. Her brother is the scumbag who cheated!! Has he been “shunned”?

If you bothered to read a word of my post rather than incoherently spluttering and hurling personal insults, you'd see I wrote that everyone is civil and polite to her.

So not sure why you think you can just invent the idea that she is 'shunned'. No one is shunned.

Everyone remembers. Her children, his children, the whole extended family. And yes, we all lost respect for him too. It's a shitty way to behave.

Honestly I doubt this woman cares your petty family don’t like her over something that happened 30 years ago.

Thanks for your random unfounded assertions about a situation and people about which you know precisely fuck all.

Mintypea5 · 15/08/2019 17:35

@Rubicon80 your situation is completely diffeeent to the OPs tho! You dad had kids a family etc and clearly had an ongoing affair

Ops husband had no kids and had a drunken kiss with the OP! The OP then cut contact and in that time the husband left his wife and then started a relationship with her! Ffs

IABUQueen · 15/08/2019 17:36

“Oh SIL, You usually bring this up when you are feeling insecure about something in your life. Is there something we can help with?”

Missingstreetlife · 15/08/2019 17:37

Is she perfect, no. I would lose it, cry and shout and say she is unkind. She seriously needs to get over it.

Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 17:41

@Mintypea5

It's my uncle I was talking about (although my dad is also a serial cheat, but never left my mum for any OW).

My cousins have never got over it - their mum was suicidal - & will never forgive their dad or the OW, even though, as I say, no one is ever rude to her face.

My point was that people remember. Perhaps most of them keep it to themselves, unlike the OP's sister in law, but they always remember.

Thanks for not calling my mum a 'moron' for having feelings about trauma in her family, though. Makes a nice change from the guttersniping of @Hithere12

Rubicon80 · 15/08/2019 17:42

Btw, the number of posts on here mocking the sil for not being married, and the ones that use mental health as a joke, is utterly shameful.

Doobigetta · 15/08/2019 17:42

I really hope all the people sanctimoniously telling the OP that “well, it is true after all” have led lives that are purer and more worthy than every bloody catholic martyr put together. Ffs, she made a very minor mistake nearly 20 years ago, and she and her husband immediately did everything they could to resolve it honourably. It sounds as though they’ve punished themselves far more than really necessary, never mind requiring anyone else’s censure.

OP, I suspect that’s what is behind your SiL’s comments- she knows she’s hitting a nerve, and she’s a nasty cow so finds that funny. Tell her to fuck off.

IABUQueen · 15/08/2019 17:45

Op she knows you feel guilty. And she is using that to put you down.

Just know this isn’t about your past. She has the right to resent that but no one normal would use it in this way.. she knows ur ashamed and don’t have a leg to stand on.

You need to stand up to her without making a fool of yourself. And for that you need to know that this is not actually about you being ow. If you dig deep you might find that she was also one upping the ex.

She just wants attention from her bro. And using you as means. Memorise neutral but confident responses. Don’t be a target

SexFarmWoman · 15/08/2019 17:46

None of us are perfect and life is a journey of ups and downs.

People still stewing or even just judging decades later are odd imo.

GummyGoddess · 15/08/2019 17:49

@Doobigetta as I said, I have a pleasant relationship with my df's gf. I cannot help the automatic thought in my head about being the other woman, even after nearly 40 years.

IABUQueen · 15/08/2019 17:49

“Sil, are you on your period today?”

“Sil, did you have good sleep, I’m concerned that your behaviour is random”

“SIL, do you want me to tell DH to give you more attention? I know you feel ignored”

funkylittleboatrace · 15/08/2019 17:54

Just tell her ideally in a room full of people to shut her mouth and get over it as she is now really boring everyone not just you.

Tabitha005 · 15/08/2019 17:58

Your SIL sounds like a boring c*nt. Tell her to sod off and get some new material 'cos she's worn a hole in the arse of the stuff she's got.

M3lon · 15/08/2019 18:05

"Doesn't at least one person other than you have to find it funny in order to make it a joke? "

IABUQueen · 15/08/2019 18:11

“SIL, you’re going too far. Respect yourself”

IABUQueen · 15/08/2019 18:17

“Well sil, you don’t have my permission to joke about my life. Would you like us to joke about yours?”

Rystall · 15/08/2019 18:18

Two different things here.

Your SIL has no right to constantly berate and belittle you and you don’t have to put up with it. I wouldn’t. Ask her to meet you for coffee, tell her the constant sniping stops here and now. Or refuse to be in her company again. Done.

However, you can’t ever change the fact that your relationship started on the basis of lies, deceit and hurt. A bit like @Rubicon80, there is a similar situation in my family. The couple having the affair headed off into the sunset with their blissful new lives. For the person left behind the devastation can be far reaching. In my family the consequences on financial, physical and mental health are still being felt 15 years on.

You don’t ever deserve to be disrespected. However you can’t ever change what you and your DH did to get together 🤷‍♀️

messolini9 · 15/08/2019 18:28

You made your choices, this is one consequence sorry op.
She sure did, Following ONE drunken kiss (this, btw, is the full extent of the non-extistent 'affair'), she was so regretful & horrified that she cut all contact with the man she had mistakenly kissed.

The likelihood of your Dh cheating on you a probable consequence too confused (That's why it's best to find your own man not someone else's)

Two glaring logic fails here:

  1. DH kissed another woman. He then went home to his wife & confessed, & began the process of separation. That's not exactly standard cheating is it? He separated from his wife while maintaining ZERO contact with the OP. Again - not exactly a standard affair.
    He's been faithful to OP for 17 years now. Stop wishing a bad end to her marriage, it's unnecessary & malicious.

  2. Many women marry men who they have been mutually faithful with. Some of those marriages still break up, because one of the spouses cheat.

stuffedpeppers · 15/08/2019 18:31

YoujustdoYou sums it up completely.

You were and always will be the OW and he will always be a faithless cheater. The fact that you have been married for 17 years does not change the fundamental fact that what both of you did was unpleasant and hurt other people.

That to be honest is no ones business other than your DH, his Ex and you. The SIL should drop it.

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