AIBU to be annoyed with very loud toddler on rush hour train?

[custarddonut]

On a packed commuter train this morning was an incredibly noisy toddler (he must have been around 3 – 3 and a half or so). As I got on the train he was raging, mid-tantrum, wailing that he wanted a particular seat on the train, and that he wanted the train to be going the other way to the direction it was actually travelling in. This was actually quite funny, if annoying, and went on for about 10 minutes. His mother was very nice and calm, didn’t really do or say much but eventually he stopped with his tantrum. However, for the rest of the journey, he was talking in what I can only think was the very top of his voice, narrating the things he saw, just general toddler chat I suppose (it was quite sweet really). His mother was sort of engaging with him in a nice way. But my genuine question is whether parents should try and help toddlers to moderate their speaking volume sometimes, or is this just a ridiculous / unreasonable thought / an absolute fantasy? For context, it was a rush hour train, most people looked like they might have been trying to read newspapers / check work emails etc. Everyone has an equal right to be on any train they like but I just wonder whether one should expect a bit more peace and quiet in rush hour? Or am I mad to think that you can ever expect to moderate or control how a toddler speaks or indeed the volume of it? Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this, but I am conscious that I found the toddler this morning incredibly irritating and distracting. AIBU?

Wishing you the best with your pregnancy and beyond OP (and definitely not placemarking for the update in 3 years time).

I don't think a 3 year old, even if asked, would be able to moderate their voice volume when excited! My 6 year old has to be told 'inside voice/keep it down' when he's excited!

If she gave him headphones/a phone or an Ipad there would be someone judging her for that. Parents just can't win.

And you can do nothing about the people who sniff/cough constantly on commuter trains, which makes me want to commit murder quite frankly when I'm trying to read in peace!

it's funny because until my dc2 came along I would have absolutely agreed that yanbu to expect people to try to keep their small dc quiet. my pfb was a lovely, amenable and quiet toddler. my 2nd came out at full volume and 3 and a half years later she even whispers loudly.

Wait until your baby comes along - you'll be having a massive dose of humble pie- I guarantee it!

I hate this kind of crap (of which the above is just an example - there's plenty on this thread). I have a toddler. When we take trains/buses I 1) Itry to time it so we're not on at rush hour 2) keep a good supply of snacks in case I need to distract her/there's a delay 3) keep a couple of episodes of Peppa on my phone for the same reason - not something I love doing, but meh, we just need to get to our destination 4) leave enough time so that if I need to get off, calm her down and then wait for another bus/train, I can. And yes (like most parents) I teach her about quiet voices.

None of this is rocket science, most parents will do a version of it. So if this mum wasn't even trying, I would be annoyed too. I have acquaintances who parent by "sort of engaging with him in a nice way" as you write OP and it's broadly ineffectual and leads to some shit behaviour.

I have no particular issue with young kids on trains (well, noisy ones I do particularly if I am trying to work - but I respect the right of them to be there). It’s the parents with them if they make no attempt at all to keep the noise down I can’t stand. Kids running up and down the aisles, playing on the back seats, screaming and fighting with each other, and the parents just sitting there.

I always used to successfully shush dd when she was a toddler when she got to loud. I get that maybe i was lucky and that she was unusually compliant, possible. I just used to tell her that we need to be considerate of others and if everybody was loud it wouldn't be nice, people would have headaches, etc. It worked.

Toddlers dont have volume knobs.
So, adjusting their volume is going to be pretty darned difficult.
Annoying, but that's life with kids.
My advice, get yourself some noise cancelling headphones. As you're pregnant, they could come in handy.

No way on god's earth when my 2 were toddler age (e.g. screaming etc) did I subject them to public transport and on the odd occasion I did do this, I worked it out to be when there were quiet times on public transport.

That’s lovely for you that you had the option. I took a toddler on rush hour public transport a lot because I was going to work, via nursery. Maybe this mother was the same.

I would expect a parent to make an attempt to get the kid to talk more quietly. I wouldn't necessarily expect that attempt to be successful, though, and I wouldn't judge the parent for that all if it wasn't.

I do think that moderating volume is something some kids are much better at than others, too. Of the toddlers I know/have looked after etc, some of them seem genuinely incapable of it even when they try. Others will speak more quietly for about two sentences and then immediately forget and start shouting again. But I think it's a good idea to try to remind them not to shout in some situations, even if they struggle with actually following the instruction - at least you're sending out the message to them from the start to be considerate and that there's a time and place for the loud stuff, and it will sink in as they get older and understand better.

I’m lucky that my 2 year old is generally well behaved in public and he’s not really a shouter anyway, but if he does have a meltdown in public you can guarantee I’m cringing more than anyone who is witnessing it. It takes a special kind of parent/carer to be able to totally block out the noisy toddler and the judgment from people around. Be the person who offers a smile, not the person sitting rolling their eyes because in most cases the parent isn’t enjoying it anymore than you are.

I was on a bus recently and there was a toddler sat in his stroller making the most loud piercing screeching I’ve ever head, done at regular intervals. Other passengers were sticking their fingers in their ears. The poor mum was trying everything to stop him, which I suppose placated a lot of the passengers that at least she was concerned about every one having to listen. I think the thing that grates is when it’s just ignored.

This is what headphones are for.

Also if it wasn't an almost silent commuter train, you wouldn't have noticed him talking at all.

The noisiest train I have ever been on was one from Waterloo to Hampton Court, for the flower show, which was full of garrulous pensioners.

I was in a country pub eating a meal the other day, and several old guys, several sheets to the wind already were positively bellowing at one another from three feet away. I so wanted to go and ask them to use their indoor voices.

I'm interested in (jealous of!) the posters who can get off the train at a different stop and wait out the noise/behaviour. If I did that, I'd have to wait at least an hour on a windswept platform, and make the situation worse.

It's almost as if we can't win, whatever we do!

Shhh indoor voices was basically my catchphrase when dd was that age, didn't work at all (we even got her hearing checked!)

I'd rather have kids than adults on public transport. Adults always seem to bring packed lunches , chomping down their grub like a homeless person having their first meal. Crunching crisps like they are eating glass!! Smacking on apples that sounds like a dog licking his balls !! Then the finger licking!!! Dear God!! They nearly clean their whole body!! Then talking on their phone at the top of their voice for the whole journey!! Then the gamers, they play their games on full volume with key pad tones turned on . Then the ones who think they are at home in their bed, with their feet up on the adjoining seat and pretend not to see you. Or they have their very own seat for their bag.

Toddlers are a breeze after that. My dd who is disabled and non verbal hums, it's her thing, yes I'm immune to it, I can't stop her, but any time we get the bus we always get a comment about keeping her quiet and how annoying she is, maybe like toddlers we should avoid public transport unless they can zip it.

I parent in a way that best meets my child's needs. I don't say or do things just so I can meet others approval of what a parent should do. I did when he was younger but then realised it was a fools game.

wait a couple of years and you will find out.

You get used to the sound of your own children and don't always notice how loud they sound to others. It sounds like she was a good mum, engaging with her child and doing her best. I remember a dad in a playground once asking me how on earth I put up with my daughter's high pitched squeals, and I hadn't even noticed them.

O Cripes. Wait till youve got one. Poor woman was probably so relieved at end of tantrum, she would have let kid shout at top of lungs to avoid another. Best piece of living w toddler advice? Choose your battles. And then, when you have decided to moderate a behaviour, follow through.

This advice is not jst for parent sanity, its for kid too. If you want to help child regulate their own behaviour, you cant pounce on every adult-annoying behaviour. Aim of parenting, in my book, is not a child thats forced to be compliant, but a kid who learns respect (for himself and others).

Now if kid has been having great day and was emotionally robust, then yes. Definitely 'the other people here want to enjoy the bus too', etc. But jst after a tantrum. No way!

Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this, but I am conscious that I found the toddler this morning incredibly irritating and distracting

please repost in 4 years time and tell us about your train trip on a busy day with your child then. I can promise you that your judgy pants will drop off pretty quickly.

53rdWay - yes, I chose not to drag my young kids (toddler) onto a crowded commuter train? what's wrong with that?

And, yes to having something on-hand to distract them - the vast majority of parents including me now have a toy/book/food etc to distract them.

It's the difference between selfish parents and non selfish parents.

EssentialHummus has it right.

I know that when I was a young child (as I've said not that we were taken out too many places apart from by car until age 4 above) we were taught how to be quiet and considerate of others around us when out in public/on public transport and so were our friends/relatives of a similar age. It didn't work all the time of course.

Kescilly - a young baby crying is different to a screaming toddler, in my experience.

Enjoy your pregnancy bliss of total ignorance.