AIBU to be annoyed with very loud toddler on rush hour train?

[custarddonut]

On a packed commuter train this morning was an incredibly noisy toddler (he must have been around 3 – 3 and a half or so). As I got on the train he was raging, mid-tantrum, wailing that he wanted a particular seat on the train, and that he wanted the train to be going the other way to the direction it was actually travelling in. This was actually quite funny, if annoying, and went on for about 10 minutes. His mother was very nice and calm, didn’t really do or say much but eventually he stopped with his tantrum. However, for the rest of the journey, he was talking in what I can only think was the very top of his voice, narrating the things he saw, just general toddler chat I suppose (it was quite sweet really). His mother was sort of engaging with him in a nice way. But my genuine question is whether parents should try and help toddlers to moderate their speaking volume sometimes, or is this just a ridiculous / unreasonable thought / an absolute fantasy? For context, it was a rush hour train, most people looked like they might have been trying to read newspapers / check work emails etc. Everyone has an equal right to be on any train they like but I just wonder whether one should expect a bit more peace and quiet in rush hour? Or am I mad to think that you can ever expect to moderate or control how a toddler speaks or indeed the volume of it? Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this, but I am conscious that I found the toddler this morning incredibly irritating and distracting. AIBU?

It's a train not an office or bloody library. As long as the kid isn't kicking my seat or slapping my legs he can speak as loudly as he likes as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure his mum is doing her best, and is just grateful that he has stopped tantruming. Besides he may have hearing problems for all you know. Stop judging and bring headphones next time.

I think replies here are a bit sanctimonious. Yes it is annoying and it would be polite of the mum to remind the toddler to speak on a more quiet voice, at least a few times. Not blaming mum or toddler either - that's how kids are but YANBU to find it irritating or wonder if the mum could say, oh yes but let's talk quietly. Anyone would wish for some peace in the same situation!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OP please save this post to read in 3-3and a half years!!you will laugh and cringe all at once i promise 🤣😬

Anyone would wish for some peace in the same situation!

Really!!?? In a busy train all I want is to get home I don’t expect peace!! I expect peace at a spa hotel yes but not on a crowded rush hour train

I'm sure plenty of people feel annoyed but I think reasonable people understand that kids exist and make noise. I'm sure the concept of an indoor voice will eventually set in, but it's a process. As calm as the mum seemed, she was probably quietly sweating at the situation.

You can moderate your child's voice but that is only if you actually want to or have any consideration for those around you and it takes effort as they usually ignore it first few times or try and then forget after a while.

It is possible and should be the norm and people will often make excuses that children should be children or that it will result in a tantrum so they are scared to parent incase this happens. Too many are scared of the what if....

Kids can learn 'indoor' and 'outdoor' voices pretty early on if they have someone who is willing to put some effort in.

Many adults have not yet managed the concept of an indoor voice or not being seriously annoying on the train. I don't know how many times I've heard, loudly, the intimate details of someone's finances, home or love life discussed at full volume on the phone.

Or have had the misfortune to sit next to people speaking so loudly that I can't hear what I'm listening to in my headphones.

The absolute worst was having just drifted off on a sleeper train, being startled awake by someone having a loud one-sided conversation in Cantonese at 4.30am.

Honestly, a toddler being a bit loud is small beer.

Omg you posted to the wrong thread 😂😂
My 3 year old would do the same. Although I would think twice about taking him on a busy rush hour train. I’d avoid it, if possible.
You are pregnant yourself so you’ll soon know what that mum felt like 👍

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. Time is irrelevant but in communal spaces everyone should be respectful including kids. My children were taught to whisper from the time they could talk. It’s entirely possible, especially if you do it too (modelling the required behaviour). You make it a game and in some circs make it a clear rule. In our house voices are low until everyone is awake. No exceptions. When people visit i’m always bemused that most parents these days don’t think anything of allOwing their kids to disturb an entire house at ridiculous o clock. I now tell visits by kids directly that our get up time at weekends is 8/9 or whatever and stress that anyone who gets up before then needs to keep quiet and shut all the doors between bedrooms and communal areas. If they don’t I get up and very clearly tell them to be quiet. Same on group holidays. I bypass hapless parents and go straight to the issue. Kids can do literally anything if you explain the rule, explain why it’s in place, and treat them with respect. Children like boundaries. Other people’s kids love me and I have many more rules than most. That tells its own story.

Interestingly, yesterday I was at the baby clinic taking my DGS for his jabs. A woman came in with a couple of children DS aged about 4, DD about 8. DS ran a running commentary on everyone who came in, but by whispering to his mum. Mum engaged him in conversation, again talking quietly to him. A dad came in with his DS, about 4. This boy was really loud, but again only commenting on what was going on. Every time the name thing came on the screen, he knew it wasn't his name and had a quick scream. (His dad wasn't saying anything about the names). He was much more boisterous than the other boy. Other people were obviously annoyed at his loudness, while a coup,e were smiling at the quiet boy.
I thought the noisy one was actually better behaved in a way, he wasn't whispering about other people, and he could read names (or at least could read when a name wasn't his)!

Op - I also implore you to ignore the permissive parent naysayers on here. It’s bloody rubbish. It takes work to create pleasant children for sure, as well as consistency, time and patience. And most of all, an understanding that the world is categorically not interested in your child. If those stars align, it really is possible to create children who know how to behave on a train, in a restaurant, and in general. We are in a permissive parenting epidemic, don’t make the same mistake.

Nobody takes a toddler on a rush hour train unless they absolutely have to. I’m sure the mother wasn’t loving the experience either especially with judgemental fellow travellers

I want you to re-read this post in five years time and give us an update.

yes, I chose not to drag my young kids (toddler) onto a crowded commuter train? what's wrong with that?

Nothing is ‘wrong’ with that

Like I said: you had a choice. Other people do not have a choice. Nobody’s thinking “oooh, I’ll just take my toddler on a packed commuter train at rush hour because it’s such a fun experience!”

floribunda18 - I have and do, glare at people who speak loudly on my bus commute (sometimes get train) or if they play something loud on their phones etc.

On my commute on schooldays I see 2 boys approx at a guess 8 and 10, brothers. Mum gets them on the bus but doesn't travel with them. They're forever playing videos/TV/games loudly on the phone - loud enough for others to hear and also regularly do stuff like bang on the window really loudly. Probably they do this because their mum isn't there or she's let them do this in the past. It's annoying as they're kids but I don't often speak to them and I'm not travelling that way as of next week so it won't bother me but it's bloody annoying.

You can tell the difference between kids on a train/bus who are well behaved - don't mind tablets if on low volume/headphones etc and the ones who aren't - with or without parents. And generally it's down to parenting, not bad kids.

Beautiful3 - so wait - when OP's kid is 5 years old it'll be acceptable for him to behave like a brat and scream in a train?!

and at 5 years old?! Sometimes you can give a toddler a pass if they're having a bad day, or a young, tired kid.

I chose not to drag my young kids (toddler) onto a crowded commuter train? what's wrong with that?

Maybe this woman didn’t have a choice? I doubt she’d do it for fun.

NoSauce - as I think I said before - she probably did have a choice - it's the holidays.

it's the holidays

And that means people don’t have to go to work?

I have no expectations of how my child will turn out and I will bookmark this thread for 3 years' time. But I will do my best to raise a considerate but confident child. Ultimately, we can all only do our best but it strikes me that there ARE different approaches people can take towards parenting, but sounds like the results are a mix of parenting approach and the way a child naturally is, and so are inherently unpredictable! But I have to say I naturally recoil from what's described as 'permissive' or 'gentle' parenting and think that boundaries are a good idea in principle. I'm probably opening up a whole other can of worms here and do not intend for these comments to be taken as judgement on the mother on the train today, who seemed like a good mummy!

TheCatThatDanced huge assumption. You have no clue about this woman and her life, she might have been the nanny for all we know.

Just because it’s the school holidays doesn’t mean anything, she could have been on her way to drop him off at nursery on her way to work, attending a hospital appointment for him, literally hundreds of other things.

"The holidays" have no relevance to 3 year olds do they. If he was 3. Most people without children/ with babies over estimate toddlers ages especially if they have a good head of hair and are average height or above, so it's highly likely it's a 2 year old being discussed.

Yes if he was 3 the school holidays have no bearing on why he was up and out so early.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I too was an excellent parent before I actually had DC. I too was going to raise thoughtful, considerate children.

Guess what OP. 3 year olds are arseholes. My 3 year old is an absolute delight, funny, sensitive, gentle, but still a stroppy little sod. The other day he had a twenty minute tantrum on the bus because the seats were blue instead of red. What could I have done in that situation? Yes, I asked him to shush. Yes, I tried distraction. But when small children get like that there's no reasoning with them, you just need to wait it out. Get off your high horse. It was one journey.

But I have to say I naturally recoil from what's described as 'permissive' or 'gentle' parenting and think that boundaries are a good idea in principle.

So do I, I think gentle parenting is mostly a load of twaddle. I have to tell you, I still have a toddler who often won't do as he's told.