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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with very loud toddler on rush hour train?

380 replies

custarddonut · 15/08/2019 10:23

On a packed commuter train this morning was an incredibly noisy toddler (he must have been around 3 – 3 and a half or so). As I got on the train he was raging, mid-tantrum, wailing that he wanted a particular seat on the train, and that he wanted the train to be going the other way to the direction it was actually travelling in. This was actually quite funny, if annoying, and went on for about 10 minutes. His mother was very nice and calm, didn’t really do or say much but eventually he stopped with his tantrum. However, for the rest of the journey, he was talking in what I can only think was the very top of his voice, narrating the things he saw, just general toddler chat I suppose (it was quite sweet really). His mother was sort of engaging with him in a nice way. But my genuine question is whether parents should try and help toddlers to moderate their speaking volume sometimes, or is this just a ridiculous / unreasonable thought / an absolute fantasy? For context, it was a rush hour train, most people looked like they might have been trying to read newspapers / check work emails etc. Everyone has an equal right to be on any train they like but I just wonder whether one should expect a bit more peace and quiet in rush hour? Or am I mad to think that you can ever expect to moderate or control how a toddler speaks or indeed the volume of it? Currently expecting my first child and I have no idea how I would personally approach this, but I am conscious that I found the toddler this morning incredibly irritating and distracting. AIBU?

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 15/08/2019 12:19

Also, if I had been that mum, I would be pretty chuffed to read that assessment of my parenting! As a pp said, you can tell which of the posters on here are really struggling with the concept that not everyone finds their little darlings as adorable as they do Grin

TheCatThatDanced · 15/08/2019 12:19

CSIblonde - agreed with toddlers being moody, hard to distract etc - I've done it with both of mine though on public transport...

What would you suggest re the little girl I encountered this morning? She played happily with toys on the table etc but towards the end was getting really 'silly' as 5 year olds (at a guess she was 4-5) do. Her dad really wasn't getting her to sit up properly etc and not mess around on the seats which as a parent I think he should've done.

I also had a travel cup of tea (hot) which I kept out of her way, but at one point her hand suddenly swept across the whole table - luckily I was holding the cup but it had been on the table, am I meant to police her behaviour re hot drinks?!

TheCatThatDanced · 15/08/2019 12:22

CassianAndor - agreed re your statement re not all toddlers.

I do think a lot of parents these days simply don't try - when they're e.g. out in public with toddlers.

My NDN has a challenging toddler (almost 3 now bless him!) - she rarely takes him on public transport (sometimes local bus) as she confided in me that as he can be very challenging even at home - he's a screamer, and screams a lot! (youngest of her 3) that she dares not subject him to general public - she drives though!

littlebird88 · 15/08/2019 12:22

parent of 3 here and by that age yes they should be moderated and taught curtosy and respect.

BertieBotts · 15/08/2019 12:23

You can ask a lot of 3yos to lower their voices from the point of piercing though. I accept that not all 3yos will manage this but quite a lot will. I noticed this difference on moving to Germany because in the UK when you see toddlers chatting away in public (and I LOVE this - please encourage your kids to chatter - rather at full volume than nothing at all) most parents/grandparents will shush them a little and gently remind them when they get too excited and raise the volume again, however German parents/grandparents do not do this, they allow the max volume at all times and it is irritating (I also find it can be physically painful). I often find I am the only one reminding my 10yo to use a quieter voice (and yes, he still needs reminders).

OTOH though the other difference between parenting small children in Germany vs the UK is that in Germany generally when a small child or baby tries to engage the attention of a stranger, the stranger will be delighted and will engage back. Not always, but I would say 95% of the time people will wave, smile, talk to or play games with my 1yo. Whereas in the UK it is usually the opposite - maybe one person out of twenty will engage a strange child, and you constantly feel like you have to stop them from bothering people (because apparently a baby saying hi and waving is bothering people).

I also don't think the OP was being judgemental, it was just a question Confused

Witchinaditch · 15/08/2019 12:24

At least you went home to silence, the mother took the loud toddler home! Yes YABU but I assume you knew this.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 15/08/2019 12:24

TheCat 4-5yo near the end of the summer holidays, with a couple more weeks of hard grind still to go? That wasn't her father with her, that was a dead-eyed husk of what was once a human being Grin

DonnaDarko · 15/08/2019 12:25

Moderate toddlers speaking volume.... 😂

Get some noise cancelling headphones lol

TheCatThatDanced · 15/08/2019 12:25

NoSauce - she should have had something with her to distract him.

I wasn't there so can't comment if she'd tried everything. According to OP the mother was 'sort of engaging with him'.

Why, unless it's absolutely necessary, subject your DC to a busy commuter train?! I certainly don't do this with my DC and didn't when they were younger.

madeyemoodysmum · 15/08/2019 12:25

I would tell my little ones to talk quietly but it didn’t always work Depends on the mood they were in.

If the mother was trying then fair enough but it’s when parents can’t even see it or attempt then it’s really irritating

TheCatThatDanced · 15/08/2019 12:28

Jesus - actually you're probably right! Grin I work and have childcare in place generally - but off with my DC on holiday next week for 2 weeks - yippee not!

To be fair I could've commented when I was sharply kicked by the little angel but chose not to (chose your battles!) and thank god they got off at the next stop!

Bowerbird5 · 15/08/2019 12:30

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.
I used to explain to my children when they had to be quieter. It didn’t always work but a gentle reminder that “we need to speak quietly because other people are on the train” usually worked. I took mine 300 miles to visit grandparents several times. That was a four year old and a toddler, five year old and two and a half year old the next year. Two trains and about five to six hours. DS 2 was louder and still is!

Toddlers are a bit of a law unto themselves though as you will find out.

I would prefer a loud toddler any day to a loud, drunk man!

53rdWay · 15/08/2019 12:30

Why, unless it's absolutely necessary, subject your DC to a busy commuter train?!

I think you may have answered your own question there...

ScreamingValenta · 15/08/2019 12:31

I understand what you mean, OP. There seems to be an unwritten rule on MN that you're not allowed to be annoyed by loud children on public transport - especially if you don't (or don't yet) have DC of your own.

Yes, the parent might be doing their best, the child might have additional needs and so forth. You can recognise all those things, and feeling annoyed doesn't mean you will judge the parent for what's happening - but it doesn't change the fact that a shouty child is irritating, in the same way a shouty adult is.

KUGA · 15/08/2019 12:31

You may find that if the mother did say something to him he would have kicked off and be even noisier.
When my boys got overly excited I would quietly tell them that other people don`t want to hear you,so please keep it down.
Then again that was 35years ago.
Children were disciplined and had respect .

Sleepyblueocean · 15/08/2019 12:32

Some people really don't get that all children are different and just because their child understands "being quiet" and is able to be quiet, it doesn't mean that all other children can.

HoppingPavlova · 15/08/2019 12:33

Pwahahahaha. Reread your post 3 years down the line!

I agreeGrin.
You could be lucky and have a child who you can keep quite/quieter in that situation or you may have one where you have no chance. Yes, some people are crappy parents who don’t try but some just know their kids and by doing what you are expecting it will make the situation worse. Someone can have 10 kids and could successfully manage to keep 9 of them quite but then the other, nope. It’s not all done to brilliant parenting, kids are very very diverse and some are extremely challenging.

LanguageAsAFlower · 15/08/2019 12:34

Hahah Hmm
Read this back in three years time and let us know ...

We've (most of us) all done it, I saw a scathing post in my FB "On this Day" from eight years ago when I clearly thought people with children under 5 should be kept inside, and definitely not in airports waiting to get on planes...
I'm currently dreading trying to keep my VERY chatty VERY loud 19 month old on my lap for 2.5 hours on the way to Rome next week Confused

Currently his favourite thing to do is fake sneeze, and he does it x100 if he thinks you don't want him to...

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 15/08/2019 12:36

All I can say is just wait until you have a toddler Grin

Skittlenommer · 15/08/2019 12:41

I take headphones everyone I go because I literally cannot stand the sound of children! Parents need to teach them to use inside voices!

Fatasfooook · 15/08/2019 12:42

Yes, I think it is the parents responsibility to teach a child how to behave respectfully in public. Yanbu

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 15/08/2019 12:45

'Read this thread again in three years time' is the new 'Cancel the cheque', it seems.

WarmSausageTea · 15/08/2019 12:47

It’s not a “commuter” train, it’s a train. You know, public transport. And presumably the person with the toddler had to be somewhere by a certain time, along with the rest of you.

I wouldn’t want to be in close quarters with a loud toddler, but on the basis that it’s a shared space, I’d suck it up. Right now I’m on a busy train sitting near five very opinionated teens. I’m not enjoying their conversation, but they’ve paid for their tickets, and aren't being obnoxious, so I’m just going to crack on with the journey and be thankful when it’s over.

CanCanCanYouDoThe · 15/08/2019 12:48

My 3 year old does this. I remind him not to shout but frankly, he won’t find such joy in simple things for long and I’m not going to shit on his parade because some miserable
pricks find it annoying. It’s a public space, if you want peace you should get private transportation. It’s no less inconsiderable than adults playing music or talking on the phone.

AlexandPea · 15/08/2019 12:48

If course the DM should have gently asked toddler to speak more quietly. Whether or not it worked, at least she’d tried.

A baby crying or babbling you can’t help, but at 3 most DC can understand basic instructions.