To have chosen a different life

[halfwaythroughaugust]

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

Well, some people follow their heart and some people follow their brain. It's about what you prioritise in a partner. If it's emotion above all else, then you are probably following your heart. If it's dependability above all else, then you are probably following your brain. If you followed your heart and by chance, got a dependable person that's great but that is not always the case, and I would say it's most likely not the case for most women. Especially when you consider that first loves occur in their most naive years. Many people will find that their brain is taking them to a happier life.

How very sad - why could you not of had children and brought them up alone OP?

Why is that less sad than what she’s got.

What she’s got is a lot less sad for her kids.

Cedar I don’t really separate like that but maybe personal experience plays a big part. If you’ve been burnt (by love ;) as they say it makes you think more like that.

If you followed your heart and by chance, got a dependable person that's great but that is not always the case, and I would say it's most likely not the case for most women.

There is no “by chance” in most “follow your heart” type people’s decision to say their vows on their wedding day. Most “follow your heart” people, at the point they ACTUALLY marry, if they have waited long enough and not rushed into it, and had a long engagement (2 years in my case, during both which we lived together following a marriage proposal after a year of dating) have had every chance to work out whether the person they very first chose as their boyfriend by following their heart is the Mr Dependable they choose for their lifelong “partners in life” on their wedding day.

Anyone who hasn’t worked that out on their wedding day, or chooses to ignore it, should simply not be getting married, however much it would cost to cancel already arranged wedding plans.

It’s not like the people who fall in love and marry after a while say to themselves after their wedding day “phew! Glad I was lucky! By total chance I bagged myself a Mr Dependable.”

For most people marrying the person they love with passion, there is actually some deep THOUGHT that goes into it all, you know. You make it sound like we are stupid gullible silly girls ruled by our hormones, quite honestly.

I don’t know, Cedar, maybe when you describe “follow your heart” type of people you are describing the stereotypical whirlwind romance type of weddings that you read about in crappy magazines. You know, engaged within a fortnight, “love at first sight”, married within a year type of situation.

For people that marry for romantic love, that scenario fills them with horror. The rose-tinted glasses need to come off.

I totally get that marriages that are simply borne of convenience, or arranged marriages, can be successful ones in that they are long lasting and provide a stable home for children. But it’s clear I’m not alone in thinking that it’s not fair to lead your partner to believe that you’re marrying them for love AS WELL AS stability/dependability , when you’re not. It’s not clear in the OP’s case whether she did make it clear to him. It’s not even clear whether on her wedding day she convinced herself that she DID love him or maybe was sure that if she didn’t now then she knew she would grow to love him later, and then realised later that this wasn’t going to be possible.

All I know is that a successful marriage needs to be based on openness and honesty and mutual respect for what the other one needs from the marriage. If you haven’t got that, I’m not sure how long lasting any marriage would be.

For most people that marry for romantic love...