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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have chosen a different life

557 replies

halfwaythroughaugust · 15/08/2019 07:34

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them.

I did this because to be honest I wanted children.

AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 17:14

It is not solely Valentine’s Day mush and people treating you badly. But it is based on honesty.

Alsohuman · 17/08/2019 17:18

Love is never being treated badly. There was an actress who said true love and marriage was exchanging the hurly burly of the chaise longue for the deep peace of the double bed. I think she was right. You persist in hammering away about your concept of love which you can’t even define in any meaningful way. I’m not convinced.

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 17:19

Eh I just did what are you on about

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 17:20

So Alsohuman are you married?

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 17:21

People NOT treating you badly was a typo

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 17:22

Actually it wasn’t a typo but you misinterpreted it

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 17:23

I don’t even think we’re that far off on saying what love is since most of the qualities I listed are the same as yours - although I added honest.

But that is the crux for me for the op the lack of honesty

Alsohuman · 17/08/2019 17:25

Yes, I’m married. For all the wrong reasons the first time and it ended badly. This time round I married a kind, warm, intelligent, loving, funny, reliable man who I knew would always treat me well. Excitement? No. So far 19+ years of contentment. It works for me.

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 17:26

Ok I can see why you post as you do.

But really your version and mine are not pokes apart.

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 17:26

Poles

U2HasTheEdge · 17/08/2019 18:12

Some of you are still making out her husband is a downtrodden victim Why are people assuming that he feels any differently to OP or that he wanted a different kind of marriage?

OP did not specifically tell him that she doesn't love him 'romantically' and 'passionately' but her actions would have conveyed that.

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 18:14

I’m assuming it because the op said he would be hurt if he knew. If he felt the same and didn’t care it wouldn’t matter.

U2HasTheEdge · 17/08/2019 18:23

He might well be hurt if OP told him what she has said here.

However, he knew what kind of marriage he was getting into and was happy with that.

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 18:27

If the situation was reversed that wouldn’t give me much comfort. But I suppose others might be ok with marrying someone who thought the same as the op.

U2HasTheEdge · 17/08/2019 18:31

Equally he might not be hurt because he feels exactly the same.

Either way he was happy to marry OP and she goes on to describe what sounds like love to me.

Anyway, where is the OP?

MarshaBradyo · 17/08/2019 18:32

Buggered orf

bluegirlgreen · 18/08/2019 20:56

@CedarTreeLeaf

There are some very naive people on here.

People who marry for stability last.

People who marry for passion get cheated on. Intense love burns out and eventually becomes unrequited. The love is always uneven, one loves more than the other although this is not admitted until it's too late.

The only way to survive in this world is to be in a marriage that is based on other things than a doe eyed belief in fairytales. Grow up people.

This. ^ Agree 100%.

@Alsohuman

I don’t think CedarTreeLeaf sounds bitter and cynical at all, just realistic. Essentially marriage is a contract. People enter into it for a whole variety of reasons. Choosing a reliable father for your children who will provide them with a stable home in a relationship based on mutual respect and affection sounds a lot more sensible to me than marrying for lust and dewy eyed infatuation.

This too.

There are some very fanciful, unrealistic views on here, and the people who have them do NOT seem to like others having different opinions to them. I wonder why that is....... Wink

SaraNade · 19/08/2019 10:38

Absolutely this. A lot of posters are conflating entirely different scenarios. It isn’t the semantics of love that the OP is describing. It’s about calculating an outcome and misleading someone into marriage for their own end. It’s not worlds away from secretly coming off contraceptives because you want a baby.

Well said, Hopefully. These people who can't see the difference are naive, immature and lack the ability to reason. They also seem to hate anyone having a different view, and will report just to silence them. It makes one wonder what they have to hide. Wink I suspect the OP is still posting on this thread under another name...

SaraNade · 19/08/2019 10:43

@CedarTreeLeaf If you think a woman can have children with a man that she doesn't care about then that is naive.

If you've never heard of women sleeping around to get pregnant, then you are unbelievably naive. I don't know what reality you live in where you believe a woman has to care about a man to get herself knocked up.

CedarTreeLeaf · 19/08/2019 10:47

If you've never heard of women sleeping around to get pregnant, then you are unbelievably naive. I don't know what reality you live in where you believe a woman has to care about a man to get herself knocked up.

When a woman chooses to bear and raise children with a man then she cares about him. Saying a woman just gets "knocked up" is mysogyny. It's what men say so they can run off on their kids, don't fall for that line.

SaraNade · 19/08/2019 10:51

@Alsohuman I don't consider mutual 'respect' to be deceiving someone into marriage. Where is the respect in the deception? Where is the respect for the partner, when you are lying to their face?

SaraNade · 19/08/2019 10:53

@Alsohuman Love is never being treated badly. And being treated badly can be defined as being disrespectful to your partner and deceiving them into marriage.

CedarTreeLeaf · 19/08/2019 10:54

SaraNade

It's not deception because love has different meanings to different people. Her partner could have the same definition of it. It's not always going to be lovey dovey romance. Sometimes it will be, I care about this person and I could see us having a stable future together.

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/08/2019 10:57

You've made a purely selfish and cruel decision, misleading this man and wasting his life, a life in which he could have been loved. Nasty.

SaraNade · 19/08/2019 11:00

CedarTreeLeaf it is deception, because in the real world, most people marry because they fell in love with someone and love them romantically. That, is reality. And the OP stated she doesn't even love her husband, nor is she even attracted to him. I think it is basic common sense that the OP should have said to the husband she doesn't love him, isn't attracted to him, and is marrying him just to have children. The point you continue to overlook, is honesty. It is fine if one wants to go against culture and society and marry for convenience and not love, but TELL YOUR SPOUSE BEFORE MARRYING THEM. (sorry for shouting). This point you continue to miss is that she deceived him into marriage. That is crime. Socially and morally not just legally. No one is saying she can't marry for convenience, but both parties must...be....on....the.....same.....page.

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