Page 18 | To have chosen a different life

halfwaythroughaugust · 2019-08-15T06:34:16+00:00

I chose to marry a man who to be honest I don’t love. He’s a good man but quite dull and his family irritate me to the point where I dislike them. I did this because to be honest I wanted children. AIBU? I don’t think I’d have been any happier if I’d stayed single without my kids.

bluegirlgreen · 16/08/2019 11:35

@Jade218

I think posters are being a bit harsh here. I would say a large percentage of 'couples' fee the same they're just too afraid to admit it.

This. ^ And like a few other posters, I also don't buy it that the OP's husband is a victim. I am sure he has had a very nice life with her looking after him, doing all the wifework, raising his kids, and allowing him to pursue his career (whilst hers was on hold for many years, or even ruined.) Like many women do!!!

And as has been said, many MEN marry for convenience, to not spend their lives alone, to have kids etc etc, when they don't really love the woman deep down.

People need to stop bleating about the poor iccle menz. It's a well documented fact that they always do better out of marriage than women do!

And as a pp said, (mileysmiley,) what IS real love anyway? It comes in different forms, and has many layers and shades. And as has been said many times throughout this thread; romantic, movie-love is a load of bollocks anyway. It's hardly ever happened to anyone. And if it has, it doesn't last.

@ReanimatedSGB

Remember that 'romance is the sugar coat on the pill of patriarchy' before you shit your pants about how eeeevil the OP is. Monogamous marriage was invented by men to enable them to own women and exploit them as breeding animals; marriage was, for centuries, a legal contract about property and inheritance. Women had to marry, because they were not allowed to own or earn money, and if they couldn't attract a husband, they remained the property of male relatives.

And this stuff about the OP having deprived her H of 'the chance to find Real Love' - plenty of people simply don't give a toss about that as long as they are living with someone who is pleasant to them and whose libido is reasonably similar to theirs. (Yes, if OP had gone off sex and stopped engaging in it entirely without discussing it with the H once enough DC had been born, that might be a bit unfair, but some couples find their loss of interest in sex is mutual and therefore no big deal.)

All of this. Wish there was a like button for posts!!!

Have a cheeky thumbs-up instead that I found on an emoji site! 👍🏽

@Something20

It's quite upsetting to read all of this... You have denied both of you the chance of real love.

If you have the chance, you need to find love cause it's bloody worth finding and you need to let him find the love he deserves.

How terribly quaint.

Are you currently on a creative writing course?

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 11:41

Bluegirl you keep quoting slabs of text but would you choose this?

Eustasiavye · 16/08/2019 11:53

Op_I would strongly recommend d you do not act on your crush. Instead find things to live a d adore about your husband. I think this crush is making you think unfavourable about your dh. Concentrate on the good things, don't focus on the negative.
As for those saying romantic love cannot exist along side logical, rational love, it must certainly can!
I have never loved anyone the way I love my dh. I cannot believe how much I respect, admire, adore and love my dh. I never, ever thought a i 've !like this would be mine.
I was quite prepared to remain happily single, we both were. Both of us never had any intention of marrying our previous exs, it was never, ever an option.
I loved my first husband but not ever in the way I love dh.
It's like the way I love my dcs. I love them with all my heart and soul.
Sorry for the romantic post.

bluegirlgreen · 16/08/2019 12:25

@Eustasiavye

Sounds lovely for you. And I am glad you are happy, and seem to have found real true love with your husband.

Sadly, it's not like that for many, and even when it IS, it rarely lasts........

MarshaBradyo · 16/08/2019 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hopefullyendsmeet · 16/08/2019 12:53

In my city in the last 5 years there is a very noticeable spike in older men being married to (younger) Thai/Phillapina women, so I think many men want to 'settle' too.

WTAF?

Banangana · 16/08/2019 12:54

I don't think the historical purpose of marriage is really relevant and neither is the fact that people in the past married for purely practical reasons. Whether you think it's sensible and realistic or not, today a lot of people aren't interested in marrying for practical reasons alone and do want to marry for romantic love. They're entitled to feel that way and look for that romantic love, even if it does mean they're single forever or go through 8 divorces as a result. To let someone believe that they're in a 'love marriage' when you know that for you it's a 'practical marriage' is deceitful and manipulative. There's nothing at all wrong with marrying for practical reasons but the number of people who can't see any problem at all with deceiving and using someone else (who may not be interested in that type of relationship) as a means to an end is a bit worrying. If you think marriage based on romantic love are unrealistic, find someone else who agrees and has their feet firmly on the ground and enter an open and honest marriage where you both know the score.

SaraNade · 17/08/2019 02:25

Interesting that @bluegirlgreen cannot answer @MarshaBradyo 's question. It seems the post is not interested in genuine discussion. Quite cowardly. It's very telling. I sense it's because they're not even old enough to marry and hence know they would be exposed. Those who insist it is ok for someone to deceive a person into marriage are immature, naive, and simply don't understand how the world works. In most countries, to deceive a person into marriage is considered illegal, and a criminal offence. If you want to marry for practical reasons, that's fine. But make sure both of you know the ground rules going in. If one does, and one doesn't, that is a crime. And it is immoral, abhorrent and repugnant to do that to another person.

SaraNade · 17/08/2019 02:27

Banangana
I don't think the historical purpose of marriage is really relevant and neither is the fact that people in the past married for purely practical reasons. Whether you think it's sensible and realistic or not, today a lot of people aren't interested in marrying for practical reasons alone and do want to marry for romantic love. They're entitled to feel that way and look for that romantic love, even if it does mean they're single forever or go through 8 divorces as a result. To let someone believe that they're in a 'love marriage' when you know that for you it's a 'practical marriage' is deceitful and manipulative. There's nothing at all wrong with marrying for practical reasons but the number of people who can't see any problem at all with deceiving and using someone else (who may not be interested in that type of relationship) as a means to an end is a bit worrying. If you think marriage based on romantic love are unrealistic, find someone else who agrees and has their feet firmly on the ground and enter an open and honest marriage where you both know the score.

This! Thank you for your posting with common sense and human decency.

SaraNade · 17/08/2019 02:30

*@Something20

It's quite upsetting to read all of this... You have denied both of you the chance of real love.

If you have the chance, you need to find love cause it's bloody worth finding and you need to let him find the love he deserves.*

Very well said! There is nothing quaint about common sense, about integrity or about honesty.

Something20 · 17/08/2019 02:41

@SaraNade thanks! ☺️

CedarTreeLeaf · 17/08/2019 02:43

If Anna Karenina had stayed with Count Karenin, she would have had a much better life. Everyone claims to want a Vronsky fairytale love, but that leads a lot of women to their own destruction. I'm glad you had the wisdom OP to not fall for the same and cheat yourself out of happiness with a family.

SaraNade · 17/08/2019 03:19

@CedarTreeLeaf So it's ok for the OP to cheat her husband out of happiness and a chance at finding love and happiness? The OP has led her husband to think she is in love with him. She married him in deceit. Doesn't he have the right to not be deceived into a marriage contract, and to find someone who does love him?

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 05:53

@CedarTreeLeaf So it's ok for the OP to cheat her husband out of happiness and a chance at finding love and happiness?

In what way is she doing that? OP indicates husband is happy. He has a family he’s happy with - how has he been cheated?

SaraNade · 17/08/2019 06:00

@Butchyrestingface In what way hasn't he been cheated? Don't you think he had the right to know he was entering a marriage to a woman who didn't love him? And that he could have found a woman who truly loved him and had a family with her?

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 06:21

Don't you think he had the right to know he was entering a marriage to a woman who didn't love him?

No. No-one has the right to know anything. No-one knows if their partner loves them. All they can ever truly know, at best, is how they feel about their partner.

And that he could have found a woman who truly loved him and had a family with her?

Who says he would have found such a person? Or that they would have been happy together? Or stayed together? Or been able to have a family together?

SaraNade · 17/08/2019 06:32

@Butchyrestingface The law says a marriage is null and void if it isn't entered into knowing the facts about their spouse. That you think a person can be deceived into marriage, is astounding. Which you like to be lied to and deceived into entering a marriage contract?

Who is to say he wouldn't? The fact is, he had that opportunity stolen from him when he entered a marriage contract not in possession of the facts, that legally means he entered it not of his own free will. This is not just me saying this, this is the law. I am astounded you think it is ok to a person to get someone to marry them under false pretenses.

weaningwoes · 17/08/2019 06:33

@butcyrestingface

No-one has a right to know anything???

Would it then, for e.g., be legit for a man to have two partners, one in England, one in Ireland, have children with both, with each thinking they were his only family and he just worked away a lot? Totally legit according to you. After all, neither woman has a right to know about the other, they only have a right to know how they feel about their partner and their family life am I right?

Ffs the extent people are willing to go to to excuse lying just because it's a woman doing it.

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 06:41

Would it then, for e.g., be legit for a man to have two partners, one in England, one in Ireland, have children with both, with each thinking they were his only family and he just worked away a lot?

I’m talking about feelings, not about bigamy or second families.

Butchyrestingface · 17/08/2019 06:49

@Butchyrestingface The law says a marriage is null and void if it isn't entered into knowing the facts about their spouse

What facts? The OP says she does love her husband (sort of). Does the law require you to tell a potential spouse that you have settled for them and don’t have the romantic, lovey-dovey feelings for them that some people think are the only basis for marriage?

OP doesn’t know how her husband feels about her. She thinks she does, judging by his behaviour, but she certainly doesn’t know.

Who is to say he wouldn’t

No-one. No-one can ever say that he would or he wouldn’t. What he has now is a wife and family he appears to be happy with. Which is as good as it’s ever going to get until we invent a machine that allows us to read each others minds. I fail to see how he has in any way been cheated.

Poetryinaction · 17/08/2019 06:54

I don't understand the outrage for some posters. Surely this is extremely common. I know a kot of people who settled.
I was madly in love only once. I was with the guy for 10 years. He was a shit. He cheated. He was selfish. But we had such amazing chemistry and so much fun.
Then I met dh. He was interesting, sweet, kind, and most importantly, he wanted a family. I jumped at the chance. I threw myself into the relationship and was totally committed. We married and had 3 children. I love them to pieces and have never been happier.
It turns out my dh is really hard work to live with. But he loves the kids and I wouldn't change a thing.
We met at 27. I don't believe that if I'd waited a few more years I would have found anyone more compatible to build a life with. I hadn't, in 27 years. I had travelled and lived abroad and met no-one I had more chemistry with than my ex.
I don't believe my dh would have met someone who could have made him happier either.
I don't know if we'll last forever. I don't know if deep down, that is what I want. But we are united in raising and loving the kids. I don't believe life could be better for either of us right now.
And I am sure that many other people make sensible life decisions like this too. Those that meet the love of their life and it works out are extremely lucky, but I don't think any relationship is perfect.

Sceptre86 · 17/08/2019 07:30

He is most likely aware of your feelings or lack there of. I agree that love in a relationship isn't always constant, it can go through highs and lows however to make a marriage work it is essential in my opinion to actually like the person. I kind of feel sorry for your dh that he is with a woman who has just settled for him. How do you know that he is fulfilled or happy and not just getting on with it as you have kids? How would you feel if he said the same thing back to you? Or wanted to look elsewhere for the type of romantic love you can't give him?

I would be honest with him and see how he feels but I suspect that you have no intention of doing so, therefore not really sure about the point of your post? It sounds more like a realisation of your feelings or lack there of. What do you intend to do about it?

Fontofnoknowledge · 17/08/2019 08:06

*Halfwaythroughaugust
*
I look at the bazillion threads on here that begin;

'My dcs dad wants contact with our children. He is an abusive, drug addict and walked out when I was pregnant with my now 7 month old .... or some such equally feckless scenario where the woman decides not to take adequate contraception because she 'loves' this man and wants children..

.. and I fail to see why your logic driven decision to make a family with someone decent, kind and respectful gets such a hard time. !

Whereas the above based scenarios will be responded to with sympathy, empathy and understanding. Despite the fact that many women go on to have multiple children with men they KNOW to be lazy, feckless , emotionally , physically and sexually abusive to both the mother and sometimes the children.

I would suggest the OP is being far more responsible than the many many women on here who appear to breed with hugely unstable partners with very little thought for the long term consequences to children born from such ill considered relationships.

I doubt very much that your DH doesn't know the score. TBH you don't know that he doesn't feel the exact same way.

firstimemamma · 17/08/2019 08:28

"i see no point in causing needless hurt and pain"

Yet you think it's fine to deceive him and essentially let him live a lie - unless he knew what sort of arrangement he was entering into by marrying you (which I'm assuming he didn't / still doesn't as you keep avoiding giving a direct answer to that). Yabu.

atvh · 17/08/2019 09:07

I think posters are being a bit harsh here. I would say a large percentage of 'couples' fee the same they're just too afraid to admit it.

I disagree. I’m very happily married and my husband is the love of my life. I can say the same for most (not all) of my close friends too.